Teenage daughter is choosing sides during break up

[Yellowrose2026]

I used to post here years ago when I was in a verbally abusive relationship.  Other than my therapist at the time I got the best advise here, So, I'm back for advice.

I'm in my 50's and after fourteen years I"m finally leaving the same verbally abusive relationship I posted about here yrs ago.  We never lived together because I always knew that would be a mistake as well as other issues we had.  

I was divorced when I met him and have an adult daughter. The ex I am posting about and I have a teen daughter. 

I broke up with him in February of this year but we still went on a family trip with out daughters in May. In restrospect I should not have gone. We slept in the same bed.  and there were times when we walked and held hands. So, of course it appeared we were a couple. We did not have a conversation with our daughter about our breakup before we left-another mistake. I know I have an issue with boundaries and I"m working on that. 

We got back from the vacation and I moved on. I'll admit I should not have started seeing someone. However, in all the years we were in this toxic relationship whenever we broke up I would come back to him.

So, this time I knew if I started seeing someone right away I would not be so tempted to go back. I also figured he would not continue to beg me to come back-wrong! 

I have no intention of introducing my younger daughter to the new guy. He is a rebound man that I actually really like but I don't want to upset my daughter. She did hear me on the phone with him once. I have gone out with him and not told her who I was going with. She is upset that when she asks who I"m going out with I say "a friend". How else am I supposed to answer her?

Ever since I left my ex my daughter has stopped hugging me or telling me she loves me. She blames me for the breakup. She said what I did to her dad is "disrespectful".  My ex had to cancel a trip we were to take in December. We  would take this trip every other year out of the country. I told him I'm absolutely not traveling with him anymore. He was disappointed but I cancelled this same trip years ago when I had broken up with him. My daughter  was too young to remember that.  

How should I proceed with my daughter? I want her to know I love her and she will always be first. But she is really angry with me.  I should add that she has an eating disorder for which she is getting treatment for and this is her first year of high school. So, I know I know I need to be gentle with her. 

 

Edited September 26 by Yellowrose2026

[tzorno]

You need to sit down with your daughter and be honest with her.  I mean everything.  All she see's now is her mother who left her father is seeing somebody else already.  What is she supposed to think?  Also, I don't know why you would jump into a relationship so soon when your true relationship isn't even over yet.  I read what you wrote, but that's a weak answer.  

Be careful how you tread.  My ex-wife lost her son, daughter, and granddaughter when she left.  Different situations, but it can happen.

[Yellowrose2026]

Thank you Tzorno. I know I haven't handled this quite as well as I should have.  I did talk to her and let her know I have a new friend. But that is it. I also told her she has nothing to worry about as far as me getting engaged or married.

Emotionally I left this relationship years ago. But I was afraid to physically  leave her dad because of his anger issues.  He scares me sometimes. I have almost called the cops on him three times during those long fourteen years. 

But I want to do what is best for her.  So, I will do whatever it takes to make her happy. But I will continue to decompress by hanging out with friends. I'll revaluate the new guy situation though. 

[tzorno]

I know situations happen and things can't be explained, but the only thing I don't quite understand is the handholding on the vacation.  Why?  That sent messages to the partner and the daughter.  Did you just get caught up in the moment or something?  It's just confusing to me.

[Leihla_B]

Where is daughter living now, with you?

Speaking only for myself, I'd tell my daughter that she's the most important person in my life, and she won't need to deal with any new men from me while we are all learning how to stabilize in this new situation.

I would NOT explain the demise of my marriage, that's not her problem. She only knows that the rug is pulled out from under her, and the stable family life she knew is over. If you add a new lover to that mix, you'd be sending the message that she's secondary to the love life you want to pursue. It reduces her from your priority to nowhere near that level of importance, and she may never forgive you for that.

I'd wait on the dating until long after you've established a solid relationship with daughter, and she's on her feet enough to handle it.