Lee47

[Lee47]

My partner of 3 years has chosen to remain married. I don't understand why... At the begining of our relationship I disclosed to him that I would not want to start a relationship with someone who was seperated but still married. He then took it upon himself to ask for a divorce & proceed with an the legal seperation, sorted finances, kids, etc which she agreed to, prior to us meeting IRL. Since then I've relocated interstate to be with him so he could remain near his family. 

Only now after 3 years he refuses to go to the next stage & arrange divorce. We argue about this fairly regularly as I am uncomfortable with the ambiguity. 

I feel duped for being naive enough to take him at his word And although they remain friends I don't feel there's anything untoward going on between them. However it does feel like rejection of us & moving into the future, now we are buying a house together. What reasons could be have for backtracking staying married while living with me & talking about our future. Its weird right? How & why is it so uncomfortable, why do I feel it is important for us to have a clean slate. Are my feelings more important, if its just paperwork? 

[basil67]

Only he (or perhaps his lawyer) can tell you why he's refusing to get divorced.     

I would suggest you stop having regular arguments about it  - nagging and fighting over an issue isn't going to get it solved.  Instead, LISTEN to him and accept that this is his preference and then work out what this means for you.  Is it a dealbreaker?   

One thing's for sure though: actions have consequences.  Until he is divorced, you should refuse to buy a house with him.  (not out of spite, but because it would be nuts to do so).   

Edited September 28 by basil67

[Leihla_B]

On 9/28/2024 at 3:00 AM, Lee47 said:

At the begining of our relationship I disclosed to him that I would not want to start a relationship with someone who was seperated but still married.

Your gut instinct was right. The problem, as you've learned, is that a divorce petition is not a divorce, so the man was still only separated AND still married.

So here you are. This is the dead end you feared, so there's no time like the present to make a better decision for your own well-being.

I'd never invest in property with anyone but a legal spouse. Use your down payment money to go live wherever you want to live, even if that's your home country.

[Lee47]

Thanks. I want to clarify, this is my home country. I had previously known this guy when I was a young. So when I said met IRL, I meant as adults having lived a life. Covid isolation = more time on social media, we dated a year before I moved. 

I wouldn't say I nag him about divorce at all. But it does come up for me, we live next door to his family, proximity is stressful. Housing is an issue. 

I left once (because he made out like it wasn't a big deal that he'd only taken the initial steps in discussing divorce with her to advertise himself to me & meet my bare minimum), our compromise after he said he understood the difficulty I faced living next door was he said he would seek a divorce (date unspecified) & we would move..

Now he won't discuss with me his reasons for choosing to stay married. I know you can't force someone to do that, I haven't issued an ultimatum but there comes a time to make a choice for everyones sake. Isnt it about moving forward in your own life.

God even just reading back this I feel like a right dick head. 

 

[basil67]

@Lee47 Please don't issue an ultimatum - based on his history and poor communication, you can't trust him to follow his word.   Just look at who he is and how he acts and decide if this is the kind of man you want a future with.

Also, if you do decide to buy a house anyway.... before you sign on the bottom line, make sure your lawyer knows that he's still married and discuss whether this creates any financial risk for you.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Lee47 said:

Now he won't discuss with me his reasons for choosing to stay married.

This, in my opinion, is the part that should worry you. Unwillingness to communicate about something so crucial, which not only clearly involves you both but pertains to one of the conditions you have both agreed upon, is alarming.

Is there any way to gently insist on an explanation? There must be a reason for his refusal to divorce. Depending on what this reason is, your reaction is probably going to be different, ranging anywhere from full acceptance to breaking up.

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

...based on his history and poor communication, you can't trust him to follow his word.

I agree. Lee, this guy has been a waste of your time for 3 years. You will never get any of that time back to re-live over again.

I'd move away from him and never look back.

[Alpacalia]

I'm so sorry that you uprooted your life and moved to be with your partner, only to be faced with this kind of uncertainty and discomfort. Definitely do not feel silly or naive for believing him when he said that he was willing and ready to go through with a divorce. 

I would definitely not move forward with buying a house together. That is a major financial and legal decision, and if he's not willing to follow through with a divorce, then you need to protect yourself and your finances in case things don't work out.

[Gaeta]

Who initiated the divorce? I think he still has feelings for his wife. Let me explain.

When l left my marriage l first filed for a legal seperation. I found a job a couple hours away, started a new life. Life goes by so fast, a couple of years had gone and l had not filed for divorce yet. He had met another lady and they were moving in together. 

Anyway the following year l finally filed for divorce, by then his girlfriend is pregnant. I gave him a courtesy call to inform him he would receive divorce papers. To my "great" surprise he asked me why l wanted a divorce!! He wanted us to stay married but he could not clearly explain to me why but he did sign the divorce papers when he got them.

Fast forward 10 years. Sadly he died unexpedtedly and of course l was at his funeral, we have a daughter together. Two of his sisters confined in me that he had never stopped loving me.

[Lee47]

Actually I've come to realise it's about control & manipulation. After reflecting on all this I see I've given him too much credit, he has many narcissistic behaviours on the check list & the reason he doesn't make sense to me is that he keeps changing tactics.

I think too many people use the term narcissist and I know he has many redeeming qualities, but the behaviour he exibits seems designed to keep me off balance. I think there is a pattern of abuse here & I've fooled myself into thinking I'm not good enough and he's happy to reinforce that type of thinking by dismissing me and invalidating my opinion.

This is seems like a power struggle. 

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, Lee47 said:

Actually I've come to realise it's about control & manipulation. After reflecting on all this I see I've given him too much credit, he has many narcissistic behaviours on the check list & the reason he doesn't make sense to me is that he keeps changing tactics.

I think too many people use the term narcissist and I know he has many redeeming qualities, but the behaviour he exibits seems designed to keep me off balance. I think there is a pattern of abuse here & I've fooled myself into thinking I'm not good enough and he's happy to reinforce that type of thinking by dismissing me and invalidating my opinion.

This is seems like a power struggle. 

Labels mean nothing.  It doesn't matter if he's a narcissist or just a garden variety a**h***.  What matter is that you have the strength to walk away

[Goodguy05]

On 9/28/2024 at 5:00 PM, Lee47 said:

My partner of 3 years has chosen to remain married. I don't understand why... At the begining of our relationship I disclosed to him that I would not want to start a relationship with someone who was seperated but still married. He then took it upon himself to ask for a divorce & proceed with an the legal seperation, sorted finances, kids, etc which she agreed to, prior to us meeting IRL. Since then I've relocated interstate to be with him so he could remain near his family. 

Only now after 3 years he refuses to go to the next stage & arrange divorce. We argue about this fairly regularly as I am uncomfortable with the ambiguity. 

I feel duped for being naive enough to take him at his word And although they remain friends I don't feel there's anything untoward going on between them. However it does feel like rejection of us & moving into the future, now we are buying a house together. What reasons could be have for backtracking staying married while living with me & talking about our future. Its weird right? How & why is it so uncomfortable, why do I feel it is important for us to have a clean slate. Are my feelings more important, if its just paperwork? 

Will he have a big financial loss when he divorces? Weird I wouldn't feel comfortable buying property with someone who is still legally married. 

Edited October 9 by Goodguy05

[S2B]

If he wanted to divorce - he would.

if it bothers you that much - you would leave him.

consequences and actions are normally congruent when it looks healthy - true and correct.

you've stayed even though you say it bothers you. So leave him.

find a man that’s available! He is still a married man!

[Leihla_B]

5 hours ago, S2B said:

If he wanted to divorce - he would.

if it bothers you that much - you would leave him.

consequences and actions are normally congruent when it looks healthy - true and correct.

you've stayed even though you say it bothers you. So leave him.

find a man that’s available! He is still a married man!

I agree. You either respect yourself enough to walk away from this, or you don't.

I don't recall your age, but if these are your best fertility years, then this is tragic.

Head high, move forward, and trust that the right man for you is waiting to find you.

[Lee47]

All of you are correct. It was a bad relationship.

Last last week it ended after he became enraged when a client didn't pay an account & he was skint, there was some physical abuse in addition to the emotional. I have left.

I can't believe i put up with his behaviour for so long, i was convinced I was the problem, my over thinking, questioning, emotional responses. The good news is it could have been a much worse attack, I'm ok, plus it forced me to make a final decision I was procrastinating about, the bad news is that it took all that for me to realise I was correct in wanting a different relationship because it was so bad. 

The blinders have come off, I'm certain now he's just a creep & ashamed not to have followed my gut. Clearly my next relationship needs to be about self love. At least now i can see clearly. 

 

Edited October 20 by Lee47
Auto correct

[Leihla_B]

19 hours ago, Lee47 said:

...there was some physical abuse in addition to the emotional. I have left.

My heart goes out to you, Lee. I'm sorry you went through this.

Quote

I can't believe i put up with his behaviour for so long, i was convinced I was the problem, my over thinking, questioning, emotional responses.

Yes, you put yourself through a wringer to avoid facing a crucial fact. The guy was never divorced. Everything else was noise.

Quote

...The blinders have come off, I'm certain now he's just a creep & ashamed not to have followed my gut. Clearly my next relationship needs to be about self love. At least now i can see clearly. 

I hope you'll consider working through the shame and the attack with a professional who's trained to guide people through these very things. It's important because shame can be a real barrier to regaining the confidence you'll need to navigate screening for a new relationship in the future, as well as operating within it in a secure way.

Your local hospital's human services department can refer you to a domestic violence counselor who can offer you resources not commonly known to the public. These are often people who've been in your shoes and can empathize with your experience.

I hope you will freely write more here if it helps.

[S2B]

I’m sorry you are experiencing this. It’s not right.

Moving forward never break your boundary - any man should at the very least have his divorce final before seeing him. 

[Gaeta]

On 10/20/2024 at 2:12 AM, Lee47 said:

At least now i can see clearly. 

Life's lessons are never easy to learn. Please take the time to nurture yourself. Don't let anyone ever again be abusive toward you. Do not give them chances or benefits of the doubts. First offense they're out. 

[smackie9]

When a man is truly in it to win it, he will go to the ends of the earth to make sure you are happy, secure, taken care of and invest in a future together. Stop catering to a man in order to be appreciated. That's what you have been doing all this time. ...putting in so much effort and getting very little back.