blahblahqueen Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 Why is it that if you keep good friendships with your exes, some guys see it as a good thing, a sign that you're not a psycho biatch and that you don't flip out and screw people over in the breakup and that you're a person worth being friends with, in other words a stable individual... and other guys see it as a threat? My man gets jealous because I am good friends with my exes and still watch out for them and speak to them and call them to wish them happy birthday and such... but it makes no sense to me, because with most of my exes, we were always friends first and foremost... the "lovers" thing was only a part of my relationships; to me friendship is the most important thing, and I'm not going to stop being someone's friend just because we didn't work out romantically... but he hates it... what, does he want a psycho chick who storms off from a relationship and badmouths the people she had chosen as her partners in the past? To me, when a chick has a habit of doing that, it shows a lack of character, not to mention emotional instability and bad taste in men... I am confused... my man is wonderful and we have this magical bond with each other, but the jealousy is killing me! He does not trust me because of my still being on speaking terms with my exes. But I have no interest in rekindling old romances if they didn't work out in the first place, and he just doesn't understand this. He thinks I'm gonna get back with my exes! Help! What are your opinions on this? Link to post Share on other sites
Alteezza Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 You say that your exes are no longer lovers and are now friends. My man gets jealous because I am good friends with my exes and still watch out for them and speak to them and call them to wish them happy birthday and such... but it makes no sense to me, because with most of my exes, we were always friends first and foremost... the "lovers" thing was only a part of my relationships However these past lovers started out as the type of friend that you are still commiting to. this is why it is a threat. If you guys are having a rough time in the relationship then you can always go back to these friends and talk. You can talk and then find what you saw in them romantically. "I'm not going to stop being someone's friend just because we didn't work out romantically" So what do you mean by romantically? the sex? The way that they said you were smart, beautiful, sexy? What is this romantically part mean. This is probably where where the threat to him comes in. Friendship leads to sex. The most shallow physically attractive person will bed the first person that honestly says and shows affection. You having friends on the side is most likely a threat for the above reasons. Guys are possessive, it's in our nature to be that way. It's disgusting but isn't something to shy away from in conversation. None of the above examples were pertaining particualy to you. Harrieth Link to post Share on other sites
blahblahqueen Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 what i mean by not working out romantically is that, for whatever reason, we decided we could not be in a relationship... whether it be because of differences in opinion, too much arguing, inability to commit, whatever... just not being compatible for making a life together... that's how it's been... but does that mean I should not offer my friendship to these people? I mean, if I once saw them as people worth giving a shot, then they must not be such bad guys, so why should I pretend like they're crap and I shouldn't talk to them? are you suggesting I tell these intrinsically good people that I can't talk to them anymore because my boyfriend doesn't approve? that somehow doesn't seem fair to me... bros before hoes, pardon my French... these are people who have always been there for me and vice versa... i know guys are possessive by nature, but am I property to be possessed??? do you think i should cave in and cut off my friendships? also, I have dated a lot, and to cut off my exes would be to cut off half of all my friends, LOL... Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 I am just curious but how do you honestly think you would feel if the roles were reversed? Be totally honest. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 He does not trust me because of my still being on speaking terms with my exes. But I have no interest in rekindling old romances if they didn't work out in the first place, and he just doesn't understand this. He thinks I'm gonna get back with my exes! Help! What are your opinions on this? how would you honestly feel BLAHBLAHQUEEN if your man had a bunch of his ex-girlfriends still in his life? you'd probably be much more jealous than him. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 It's a dangerous thing, I think. I am on good terms with MOST of my ex's - as phenomenally bad as my taste is in men - my exhusband and I still talk occassionally, but I've made it clear that I don't wish to persue a close friendship. Emotional infidentliy occurs very frequently - more frequently than people think. It happens when you seek out emotional intimacy or support from other people, ex-lovers, male friends, that can over time grow like a weed. When it gets to the point where it starts to strangle your relationship, it's too late. Not to say you shouldn't have friends, but it's a behaviorism thing. You became habituated to a certain type of emotional intimacy with your ex-lovers, when you were romantically involved. It's easy to slip back into those patterns of interaction, without consciously realizing that you are eroding your CURRENT relationship. Although I do believe it's possible, close friendships with ex's requires constant attention to how you're interacting with them, making sure those casual intimacies in speech or touch don't occur accidentally. To me, this is too much effort for a simple friendship. Although in the past I've passionately agreed with you...I now feel like, I have enough platonic friends and hanging on to past romantic interactions in any way is a dangerous game. Even if YOU don't catch feelings for your ex, you may very well be doing them a disservice..THEY may catch feelings for you, and regardless of how many conversations you have to convince them otherwise, you can't control how others feel. Also, consider the fact that your romantic relationships began as friendships. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 It's a dangerous thing, I think. I am on good terms with MOST of my ex's - as phenomenally bad as my taste is in men - my exhusband and I still talk occassionally, but I've made it clear that I don't wish to persue a close friendship. I have found that usually when the women dumps the man it is her who wants to pursue a "friendship". When the man dumps the woman he usually wants no part of a friendship thing with her. This is mainly becuase women are more relationship oriented and for whatever reasons (lame or not) they like to foster and keep their ties to people. Men on the other hand don't really give a shyt. This is why I always say staying "friends" is unrealistic and not advised unless you have kids together. It only causes trouble. So let me guess, B_0... you dumped most of your ex-boyfriends, right? Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 I don't know. I don't really want to be friends with my ex's, they're ex's for a reason. I have past bfs that I just lost touch with but there were no hard feelings. There's one that I just left on bad terms with (the one that brought me to LS) and one that I left on good terms but he was screwing with my head afterwards so I really don't want anything to do with him anymore. I don't think that makes me psycho because I'm now no longer in touch with my ex's. My ex that I left on bad terms with, was constantly talking about how wonderful his ex's were and how special and blah blah blah and I just didn't want to hear it. I'm glad he had some good girls in his past but to me, keep them in your past. I'm sure they're lovely people but I don't want to have to socialize with these women. These two ex's where things went bad both kept in close contact with their ex gfs. They were the two worst guys I've dated. I dated another guy that had some really bad luck and didn't have many nice things to say about his ex's, he was one of the nicer more relationship worthy people that I've come across. And some people inbetween. IME, your contact with your ex's doesn't amount to a hill of beans. And if I had to base it on my experiences only then I would say that the ones that don't keep in touch with their ex's are better. I don't think that the amount of people that I've dated are enough to pass judgment one way or the other, so I say it doesn't really matter. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted January 5, 2006 Share Posted January 5, 2006 This is why I always say staying "friends" is unrealistic and not advised unless you have kids together. It only causes trouble. So let me guess, B_0... you dumped most of your ex-boyfriends, right? Yep. All except one, who cheated on me with my roommate and moved in with her, down the hall from me. I remember pouring KY all over her bedspread. Good times, good times. I have so many ex's, if I were friends with all of them I would never have time to socialize with my platonic friends. Oh man, I was thinkin', my ex had to talk to his exW all the time because they had a kid. But though he was courteous and friendly with her when they spoke or saw each other, her name was listed as "Big Bitch" in his cellphone. Link to post Share on other sites
blahblahqueen Posted January 9, 2006 Share Posted January 9, 2006 Well to answer someone's question up there, no, I've never been the jealous type. Probably because I've never been dumped or cheated on, so I don't have that emotional baggage. If the situation were reversed, though I might feel a tinge of uncertainty, I really wouldn't let it get to me. I lived in a town for a year which was so small that everyone had dated each other and there was no choice but to be friends with your exes. Me and my then-hubby would visit and party and drink with his exes, and there was never an issue. I guess that kinda led me to feel it's a normal thing. But I'm back home now in the big city, where you can walk around for ten years and never encounter the same person twice, and people just don't feel the same about this whole thing. Like Blinded Otter or whatever, I've always been the dumper, never the dumpee... I think she and I can relate, and I can see the wisdom in her advice. Link to post Share on other sites
filarena Posted January 26, 2006 Share Posted January 26, 2006 You may not like this answer, but the reason he doesn't believe your ex's are just that is because so many girls say not to worry when the guy sure as hell should have worried. You're thinking well that's not fair, I'm not them. But every guy who ever believed a gf he shouldn't have believed sure thought she was trustworthy too. It's not fair, but when a perfectly well-behaved and trustworthy person does the same things someone who ISN'T trustworthy would also do, it's not easy to know for sure that there's nothing to worry about. As for seeing good relations with exs as a positive thing, in my mind that all depends on how good the relations are. Neither party hates the other, good sign. They consider each other the closest of friends, precisely the way the relationship started in the first place, not such a good sign. My current gf is on friendly terms with all of her exs, but doesn't speak to any of them frequently. To me, that's the ideal situation. Link to post Share on other sites
turningsoft Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 Is it just Ex's or Guy friends in general? The reason your BF is worried is because he is a guy. It is so hard for us to see it from that perspective and I couldn't understand it until I finally realized that the difference between my guy friends, Ex's included, and my girl friends is that the Guys would probably say yes to sleeping with me. Not in a perverted/conceited way, just that I think it is in their nature. I always felt I was treated as a little sister and they always respected me, but if pressed I think they would easily say F*** the friendship, let's get it on. I think it is those lustful thoughts your BF knows that other guys have and the fact that they already had you that makes him not like it. How friendly is friendly? Do u just talk like once a month, hang out by yourselves? It is also that your BF probably doesn't want you to prefer the company of other men over his. hope this helps- Link to post Share on other sites
Sal Paradise Posted February 1, 2006 Share Posted February 1, 2006 I personally wouldn't date any woman who was friends with an exe. Nor do I remain friends with my exe's. Its unfair to whomever you're with. And usually one of the persons still has feelings for the other. I can tell you personally I'd have no desire to stay friends with ex-girlfriend unless I wanted to occasionally have sex or to re-establish the relationship. I think most guys are like that. It doesn't make you insecure to not want your SO's exe's around. Its called being intelligent. Its playing with fire to get yourself into that mess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
J.R Posted February 2, 2006 Share Posted February 2, 2006 these guys ****ed you, had their way with you, you told them you loved them WHAT GUY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD BE OK WITH STILL BEING FRIENDS WITH EM? GET A MIND GIRLIE! Link to post Share on other sites
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