Boundaries with coworker

[bluegirl88]

I recently started a new job and am developing a friendship with an older colleague. I (30w) am in a training program position, and my colleague (50s?m) is full time staff. After a few days on the job, I began feeling attracted to him. He offered lots of help as I got acclimated, and from those interactions I began getting to know him. We then started coming across common interests and life experiences. 

Though we are at different stages in life, we are both single and relatively new to the area, looking to find and plug into community here. Our texting, which began with work topics, has expanded to include non-work topics (initiated by him)—playful and full of emojis. I should mention though that we are both artistic-type people, emotionally expressive and accustomed to communicating this way. 

It would be inappropriate for me to pursue any kind of romantic involvement with him at this time, given both the smallness of our department and the difference in our roles. I am wondering if I am reading correctly that he is attracted to me as I am to him. He has shared that he is attracted to women; I have shared that I am attracted to men—so sexuality is not a mystery. 

I find myself flushed, nervous and giggly around him (bring on the middle school dance vibes). He is gifted at reading energy and I’m almost positive he can sense something. I also feel a hint of awkwardness from him. 

I want to continue getting to know him over these topics we find mutually enriching, but I also need to learn how to set boundaries since a romantic connection is out of the question at this time. 

Thoughts or advice? 

[spiritedaway2003]

If you're already attracted to him but want to set boundaries, the only thing that can help you here is keep your distance.  Be more aloof around him.  Spend less time together and discuss ONLY professional topics.  Those are the most effective way to not send mixed signals.  Otherwise, you have your work cut out for you. 

 

[Leihla_B]

15 hours ago, bluegirl88 said:

I want to continue getting to know him over these topics we find mutually enriching, but I also need to learn how to set boundaries since a romantic connection is out of the question at this time. 

Congrats on your new job and your new friendship. This is too vague for comment. What kind of boundaries do you want to set?

[bluegirl88]

3 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Congrats on your new job and your new friendship. This is too vague for comment. What kind of boundaries do you want to set?

Thank you for such a helpful question. I appreciate that you asked, because I need to clarify this within myself. In general, for as long as I can remember, I have struggled with boundaries because I am prone to seeking validation from men. The attention from him is flattering and perhaps even addicting. As much as I enjoy our conversations, I think I will benefit from taking more space in responding to him. Yes, I enjoy the conversations as intellectually stimulating and as building a friendly connection. But more than that, I am addicted to getting attention from him, and will in some ways do whatever that takes—and the recognition of that fills me with panic. It feels inescapable and honestly is something I need to continue working on in therapy

One part of the boundary is talking myself down from the panic and anxiety. I start fearing I have done something majorly wrong by responding to his texts with enthusiasm, and feeling ashamed, even though there has not been anything overtly sexual between us. Separating my anxiety snowball from the reality of what has transpired so far: which is some conversations at work and over text, with some awkwardness and definitely some curiosity about one another, but nothing I find inappropriate. 

Back to your question, what kind of boundaries… I’m confused whether I can be friends with him. Again, back to my theme about seeking attention from men, my own problems and my own history. When I take a more compassionate stance toward my listening to him talk about his life, I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. He’s told me about his past relationship, about areas of his life he feels are lacking—and immediately I feel this implicates me in helping to “fill in” or “fix something.” This doesn’t have to be the case. He could honestly want to just get to know me, share things with me, and build a friendship. I have a dual attraction and dread that all of this “means something!” and that he wants something from me sexually… which is both exciting and scary, and not necessarily what I want, though I’m attracted to him. I’m reading a ton into what has happened, and part of the boundary is just wanting space from the mental overwhelm. 

I don’t want to lose the connection we are building, especially because I really respect him as a colleague and find our collaboration beneficial. We have a lot in common regarding how we approach the job and that connection is an asset. 

I don’t know how well I have answered your question, but your question has helped me tease out some of the issues that I need to continue working through. 🙏 

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, bluegirl88 said:

I don’t want to lose the connection we are building, especially because I really respect him as a colleague and find our collaboration beneficial. We have a lot in common regarding how we approach the job and that connection is an asset. 

Okay. This is the only place where you've mentioned your job. It might do your head some good to prioritize your job as a valid reason to back off a bit and slow your roll. Take a break from the head-spins and take confidence in the idea that good work friendships can retain enough distance for dignity--and avoiding the kind of gossip you don't need while starting a new position.