What would you do if your partner told you that you were not attractive

[woman54]

I am in a really weird situation. I have been in a relationship for 7 years, engaged for the last 2 years. We have a deep spiritual connection and we do have fun together and things in common. We have also struggled too though because of different communication styles: he tends to be silent and stonewall during conversations and I tend to want to talk things out. It has made things difficult but we haven't given up trying. We are in therapy right now to work on the communication because the next step is obviously marriage. The therapist gave us a homework assignment to write down any fears we have about getting married as my partner seems to have been slow at moving forward. He says he wants to get married and we talk about places to get married but then he doesn't quite follow through. 

Anyway, recently in a conversation it came up that he doesn't feel physically attracted to me. At first I thought it was because of libido problems but now I am wondering if it is a deeper issue. He says he finds other women attractive. He then confused me more and said I was pretty or he would say I have a beautiful spirit. I am confused how a man can find a woman pretty yet not attractive. I need some guidance here. Also, I then asked him if he just saw us as friends or did he just want to be friends, and then he confused me more by saying that he thinks I should be with another man who finds me more attractive, etc. But here comes the weirder part, I tried to clarify with him what he was saying and he then claimed he didn't want to end the relationship. 

He tends to confuse me with his words a lot. I am starting to feel emotionally abused a bit because he goes back and forth a lot. So, he wants me to be with another man, yet he wants to be with me. 

Can someone clarify what they think is going on here? I feel like I went I am going crazy because what he is saying makes no sense to me. 

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, woman54 said:

I am confused how a man can find a woman pretty yet not attractive. I need some guidance here.

I can only speak for myself. I had a boyfriend who was gorgeous. However, after a few years, I had remained too long in the relationship and no longer found him sexually attractive. I could still appreciate his beauty, but I was no longer attracted to him.

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... he confused me more by saying that he thinks I should be with another man who finds me more attractive, etc.

Yes, he knows that it would be better for you to be with someone who feels the attraction you deserve.

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But here comes the weirder part, I tried to clarify with him what he was saying and he then claimed he didn't want to end the relationship. 

He's too cowardly to be the bad guy and end this thing. He wants you to be the one to do it.

[Gebidozo]

10 hours ago, woman54 said:

I am confused how a man can find a woman pretty yet not attractive.

It’s quite common and normal. I find a lot of women pretty, but I’m not attracted to them.

 

11 hours ago, woman54 said:

Can someone clarify what they think is going on here?

I’m sorry, he isn’t attracted to you anymore, he likes other women, but he is too much of a coward to just end things with you. I’m afraid you’ll have to be the brave and honest one and end it. Let him go so that you’re able to find a man who is truly attracted to you. 

[Els]

11 hours ago, woman54 said:

I have been in a relationship for 7 years, engaged for the last 2 years.

This sounds more like cold feet than anything else, IMO. If you've been engaged for 2 years, he probably realizes that an actual marriage is imminent. And it sounds like he doesn't want that, for whatever reason. It could be the attraction issue... or it could also be something else entirely. It might not even be a "you" problem.

I think you just have to accept that he's trying to say that he wants to leave.

[BaileyB]

I can’t say that I know what to he meant by that comment, but I would not marry a man who is telling me that he’s not attracted to me and that I should be with another man who is more attracted to me. I fear that this relationship may have run its course…

[Leihla_B]

3 hours ago, Els said:

I think you just have to accept that he's trying to say that he wants to leave.

Yes, but the thing that's hanging you both up is, he won't say this ^^^. He wants you to be the one to say it. If you corner him, he'll cop out--he already has. However, if you break up with him, he might be sad, but he'll also be relieved.

You deserve a love that includes attraction. This man might love you as family, but not as a lover.

[spiritedaway2003]

That's a hard stop for me.  He's conflict avoidant and wants you to be "the bad guy" and do the breakup. 

I would not date/marry someone who is not attracted to me.  I've been with my partner/bf for a number of years now.  I don't need words of affirmation to be assured of his love; yet he still tells me with regularity (whether in words or in his affections) how much he is attracted to me and what a lucky man he is.  It goes both ways - I let him know how much I love and appreciate him.  You deserve someone who is attracted to you and if he's saying that another man can do that better than your own partner -- you really only have two real options.  You need to have those tough conversations to clarify what he means and he wants for this relationship.  That way, you have no confusion on deciding where the two of you go next.  If you continue down the path of engagement, the odds of it working out is going to be low -- especially when he's admitted he's attracted to other women.

[ExpatInItaly]

Nope. 

He knows he doesn't want to marry you but he is too much of a coward to end it himself. He is trying to get you to do it. 

I'm sorry. Please set yourself free. He isn't into you anymore and doesn't know how to come out and say it.