Boyfriend of 2 months, goes quiet and cold after spending two nights together.

[RosieFL]

I met a guy online, moved a little fast, said I love you within days, gave me present for my birthday that passed weeks before I met him, too attached first few weeks, introduced me to his mom and brother, he exhausted himself first couple weeks driving 35 mins to see me every night, then slowly withdrew from all the too much efforts, my problem is we spend two nights together most weeks Thursday after work I go there, go to work Friday morning from his place then spend Friday night and leave sat morning then he gets his kid Saturday thru Wednesday, we are both single parents in late 20s, I sleep over at his two nights when we don't have the kids but the first night he's super excited close and nice but the second night he acts cold, distant and kinda uncomfortable even tho he initiates the sleep overs. Also passed rude comments when we went out the second night, kinda like belittling me etc. we went bowling and he kept passing rude comments like "if u want we can leave before u further embarrass yourself" "what do u do at the gym your arms are so weak" I won't go bowling with u again" - I felt hurt but didn't wanna pick up a fight I like peace and no drama but he can be rude in general from time to time in other settings frequently too, also after I go back home from sleep overs he gets cold and communicates very little for 2 days or so. I like communication and closeness but I don't understand why he distances himself. Also he's into gaming and I believe he likes space, also he's always tired and easily bored. 
 

Im the anxious attachment type, i need some reassurance but i don't chase but suffer internally, he never calls he says he doesn't like calls. What does this look like to you ? He left his marriage 3 years ago and hasn't had a solid relationship and I've been only separated for 6 months or so. I see a bitter side of him now, being bored even with me around, passing rude comments, but he also mentions he loves and misses me after two days of being distant and less communication he comes around on Tuesday or something and chats about his feelings for me. Guys do u really need so much space ? or is he just uncomfortable to have me for over 1 night ? 

[Maldives]

On 9/27/2024 at 8:01 PM, Gaeta said:

.

 

On 9/27/2024 at 10:23 PM, BreakOnThrough said:

.

 

1 hour ago, RosieFL said:

I met a guy online, moved a little fast, said I love you within days, gave me present for my birthday that passed weeks before I met him, too attached first few weeks, introduced me to his mom and brother, he exhausted himself first couple weeks driving 35 mins to see me every night, then slowly withdrew from all the too much efforts, my problem is we spend two nights together most weeks Thursday after work I go there, go to work Friday morning from his place then spend Friday night and leave sat morning then he gets his kid Saturday thru Wednesday, we are both single parents in late 20s, I sleep over at his two nights when we don't have the kids but the first night he's super excited close and nice but the second night he acts cold, distant and kinda uncomfortable even tho he initiates the sleep overs. Also passed rude comments when we went out the second night, kinda like belittling me etc. we went bowling and he kept passing rude comments like "if u want we can leave before u further embarrass yourself" "what do u do at the gym your arms are so weak" I won't go bowling with u again" - I felt hurt but didn't wanna pick up a fight I like peace and no drama but he can be rude in general from time to time in other settings frequently too, also after I go back home from sleep overs he gets cold and communicates very little for 2 days or so. I like communication and closeness but I don't understand why he distances himself. Also he's into gaming and I believe he likes space, also he's always tired and easily bored. 
 

Im the anxious attachment type, i need some reassurance but i don't chase but suffer internally, he never calls he says he doesn't like calls. What does this look like to you ? He left his marriage 3 years ago and hasn't had a solid relationship and I've been only separated for 6 months or so. I see a bitter side of him now, being bored even with me around, passing rude comments, but he also mentions he loves and misses me after two days of being distant and less communication he comes around on Tuesday or something and chats about his feelings for me. Guys do u really need so much space ? or is he just uncomfortable to have me for over 1 night ? 

The rude comments and belittling you is a red flag. Unfortunately, this guy lacks awareness. He is immature, and his comments are disrespectful and hurtful. You should not tolerate that kind of behavior from him or anyone for that fact. 

Edited September 30 by Goodguy05

[Maldives]

Sorry I don't know how the other two comments came into the mix lol they were from my post. 

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, RosieFL said:

said I love you within days

Big red flag.

 

2 hours ago, RosieFL said:

Also passed rude comments

Sufficient reason to let him go, in my opinion.

 

2 hours ago, RosieFL said:

Guys do u really need so much space ?

Some guys might. But then they communicate their wishes openly and respectfully to their partners. This guy is being very rude for no reason and he rushed into this relationship like mad. Whatever his problems are, it doesn’t look like he’s a good match for you.

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, RosieFL said:

Guys do u really need so much space ? or is he just uncomfortable to have me for over 1 night ? 

Why do you still want to be with this guy after the way he mistreated you? Please do yourself a favor and block him. He is not a good person to have in your life. Eventually he will talk like that to your children, or talk to you like this in front of your children.

Also, next time a guy love-bombs you puts your guards up. You don't introduce someone in your life until they've proven themselves to you. That means taking you out on dates, being kind and considerate toward you, keeping communication with you. If a man doesn't properly court you then he doesn't deserve to be brought into your world, your home. Your home is the place where you feel the most safe, this is where you raise your children and they feel most safe. Someone has to be deserving to enter your (and your kids)'s sanctuary. 

Edited September 30 by Gaeta

[RosieFL]

I understand, but I've been ignoring the red flags and my intuitions because nobody in my existence treated me the way he did first couple of weeks, he basically treated me so good, cares and compliments me, takes me out to restaurants and I kept telling myself nobody ever wished so much for my existence asking me to come for sleep overs so this is something special that I can't let go, but now I feel a change in vibe here n there, I tried to address him being rude and he quickly got defensive and said I'm overthinking. It's going to take me a lifetime to come out of this heart break. This was a fantasy for me. Should I limit sleep overs? Should I only meet him for dinner outside etc ? Is there anyway I could see if things improve ? I'm not into gaming guys, but not into grumpy moody guys either he's always in pain because he works out everyday so easily irritable but first few weeks he was only showing his best side, he kinda pushes me away and cuts me off when I try to be affectionate sometimes but he comes around when he hasn't seen me for days. But never calling me on phone is a big no for me. But molded myself to fit his no call policy but I don't want to be the one messing things up if  this was going to be a good relationship for me. Sorry I've been up all night. I haven't texted him good night for two nights and he's acting super distant he's probably annoyed with that too but I can't just push away all my feelings and fake it.  Deep down the little girl inside of me is hurt. To me when I'm in love i adore the person not only the first night together but I try and be close and make the best out of the two nights because I don't see them for 3-4 days in a row after the sleep over, it feels like even tho he says he misses me he doesn't value having me around either.

 

I'm looking for answers from men who think like him 😔

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, RosieFL said:

I understand, but I've been ignoring the red flags and my intuitions because nobody in my existence treated me the way he did first couple of weeks, he basically treated me so good, cares and compliments me, takes me out to restaurants and I kept telling myself nobody ever wished so much for my existence

You need to spend some more time alone so that you are not searching for validation from others this way.

The fact that he love bombed you and you are still holding on, despite all the red flags, because the validation felt so darn good is a real problem for you.

Counselling would also help, if you can find someone. 
 

1 hour ago, RosieFL said:

I tried to address him being rude and he quickly got defensive and said I'm overthinking.

I’m other words, he gaslighted you. he shifted the blame for his disrespectful behavior to you. 
 

1 hour ago, RosieFL said:

It's going to take me a lifetime to come out of this heart break.

For goodness sake, it’s been two months. Get it together girl. 

Broken hearts heal, but if you build this story in your mind that you have lost the love of your life - that kind of distorted and grandiose thinking will delay your ability to move on from this… 
 

1 hour ago, RosieFL said:

Should I limit sleep overs? Should I only meet him for dinner outside etc ? Is there anyway I could see if things improve ?

No. When someone treats you badly and shows you that they are an unhealthy partner, you leave. You don’t reduce your contact. You don’t ask him to change. When you learn that you have serious incompatibilities and you see red flags early in a relationship - you leave. You need to end the relationship and go in search of a man who shows you that he values and respects you - consistently. 

Edited September 30 by BaileyB

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, RosieFL said:

I've been ignoring the red flags and my intuitions because nobody in my existence treated me the way he did first couple of weeks,

This is the goal and tactic of love-bombers. They are always prematurely loving because they are hiding something drastic. In this guy's case, it's that he's a douchebag. He wants pleasure on his own terms and doesn't care for you, or about you, or how his nasty behaviors impact you.

He laid the groundwork in the first few weeks, and your willingness to stick around and put up with his 'true' self have proven to him that he's already got you hooked. Now he can disregard you and mistreat you all he wants with no risk of losing you.

I'd slam the door shut on this guy--for good. Focus on stabilizing solo. This will build the confidence to screen men carefully, listen to red flags, and avoid exposing your children's mother to potential abuse. That's not a good model for them, and it will keep you on shaky ground, always seeking validation from any man, even the ones who will turn on you and treat you horribly. 

Edited September 30 by Leihla_B

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, RosieFL said:

he basically treated me so good, cares and compliments me, takes me out to restaurants and I kept telling myself nobody ever wished so much for my existence asking me to come for sleep overs so this is something special that I can't let go,

And then he turned into a monster. And because you had 2 weeks of fairy tale you will hold on to a bad man? Those 2 weeks will never ever come back. Men who think like him are abusers. They're all talk and no actions. 

You need to shut up that little girl deep down. You're a grown woman now with children. You see a bad man you eliminate him, it's your responsibility to not bring toxic men into your life. It's hard? Push through it!! It's 2 months dating, I would not even call that guy a boyfriend.

How would you like to find a man that treats you right & never stops treating you right & he still treats you right after months and years together? Well to find him you need to kick this one to the curb. 

[RosieFL]

3 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

This is the goal and tactic of love-bombers. They are always prematurely loving because they are hiding something drastic. In this guy's case, it's that he's a douchebag. He wants pleasure on his own terms and doesn't care for you, or about you, or how his nasty behaviors impact you.

He laid the groundwork in the first few weeks, and your willingness to stick around and put up with his 'true' self have proven to him that he's already got you hooked. Now he can disregard you and mistreat you all he wants with no risk of losing you.

I'd slam the door shut on this guy--for good. Focus on stabilizing solo. This will build the confidence to screen men carefully, listen to red flags, and avoid exposing your children's mother to potential abuse. That's not a good model for them, and it will keep you on shaky ground, always seeking validation from any man, even the ones who will turn on you and treat you horribly. 

I understand, should I wait till he invites me to sleep over again then explain how Im not happy with this and break up after an explanation without sleeping over, so he realizes he screwed everything up and start feeling guilty ? Because he keeps saying I'm his soul mate and how amazing I am and how much he misses and loves me after he takes all the space and time he needs and when he starts missing me mid week. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, RosieFL said:

I understand, should I wait till he invites me to sleep over again then explain how Im not happy with this and break up after an explanation without sleeping over, so he realizes he screwed everything up and start feeling guilty ? Because he keeps saying I'm his soul mate and how amazing I am and how much he misses and loves me after he takes all the space and time he needs and when he starts missing me mid week. 

No, text him and tell him "I don't like your insults and have decided that I don't want to see you again".  Then block him.   I'm being serious here: this guy is going to argue with your breakup and probably also further insult you for good measure

Proper explanations are only for people who you can trust to respond respectfully

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, RosieFL said:

I understand, should I wait till he invites me to sleep over again then explain...

NO! One of two things will happen if you meet with him in person. He'll either blow smoke up your ass to say whatever nice things will trick you into staying with him, OR, he'll insult you and possibly harm you.

Neither of those outcomes are good or necessary. Just phone him that you've decided you are prioritizing your children and won't be seeing him again. Don't give him another piece of information. Hang up the phone and block his number. If you can, have a male friend or family member stay with you at your home during this time, and also be ready to phone the police if he shows up. 

This is not a good guy, and he could be dangerous.

Edited September 30 by Leihla_B

[Maldives]

Should I limit sleep overs? Should I only meet him for dinner outside etc ? Is there anyway I could see if things improve ? 

The answer is a big resoundng NO. It's not your job to enlighten him or teach him nor make excuses for his bad behavior. Walk away from this. 

[ShyViolet]

What on earth are you thinking, staying with someone who is rude and disrespectful to you like that?  No one with a healthy amount of self-respect would spend another minute in a relationship with a person like that.  This is your cue to end the relationship.

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

No, text him and tell him "I don't like your insults and have decided that I don't want to see you again".  Then block him.   I'm being serious here: this guy is going to argue with your breakup and probably also further insult you for good measure

Proper explanations are only for people who you can trust to respond respectfully

I agree. I'd like to change my answer above to this ^^^.

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, RosieFL said:

Because he keeps saying I'm his soul mate

That's how he treats his soul mate?

Rosie, men like him do not change. He is full of s$!t. Men like him will destroy you.

You don't need to explain anything to him because he will never acknowledge his bad behavior and he will find a way to convince you it's because of you. Do not give him a chance to gaslight you. Text him it's over and block him.

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, RosieFL said:

should I wait till he invites me to sleep over again then explain how Im not happy with this and break up after an explanation without sleeping over, so he realizes he screwed everything up and start feeling guilty?

He doesn’t care nearly as much as you think he will, trust me. 

Just walk away…

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, RosieFL said:

Because he keeps saying I'm his soul mate and how amazing I am and how much he misses and loves me after he takes all the space and time he needs and when he starts missing me mid week. 

His words are meaningless when he treats you badly. 

[FredEire]

16 hours ago, RosieFL said:

I met a guy online, moved a little fast, said I love you within days, gave me present for my birthday that passed weeks before I met him, too attached first few weeks, introduced me to his mom and brother, he exhausted himself first couple weeks driving 35 mins to see me every night, then slowly withdrew from all the too much efforts, my problem is we spend two nights together most weeks Thursday after work I go there, go to work Friday morning from his place then spend Friday night and leave sat morning then he gets his kid Saturday thru Wednesday, we are both single parents in late 20s, I sleep over at his two nights when we don't have the kids but the first night he's super excited close and nice but the second night he acts cold, distant and kinda uncomfortable even tho he initiates the sleep overs. Also passed rude comments when we went out the second night, kinda like belittling me etc. we went bowling and he kept passing rude comments like "if u want we can leave before u further embarrass yourself" "what do u do at the gym your arms are so weak" I won't go bowling with u again" - I felt hurt but didn't wanna pick up a fight I like peace and no drama but he can be rude in general from time to time in other settings frequently too, also after I go back home from sleep overs he gets cold and communicates very little for 2 days or so. I like communication and closeness but I don't understand why he distances himself. Also he's into gaming and I believe he likes space, also he's always tired and easily bored. 
 

Im the anxious attachment type, i need some reassurance but i don't chase but suffer internally, he never calls he says he doesn't like calls. What does this look like to you ? He left his marriage 3 years ago and hasn't had a solid relationship and I've been only separated for 6 months or so. I see a bitter side of him now, being bored even with me around, passing rude comments, but he also mentions he loves and misses me after two days of being distant and less communication he comes around on Tuesday or something and chats about his feelings for me. Guys do u really need so much space ? or is he just uncomfortable to have me for over 1 night ? 

Maybe I'm way off here but sounds to me like he was teasing you, but you interpreted badness in it. Has there been more outright stuff that making fun of your bowling skills?

Either way as you've said yourself the problem is obviously that you moved way too fast. If he's becoming distant it may be because you went 0 to 100 and he's suddenly having doubts. It sounds like you are, as well.

Edited October 1 by FredEire

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, FredEire said:

but sounds to me like he was teasing you, but you interpreted badness in it.

It's called negging.

It's a type of teasing meant  to undermine her confidence, throw her off balance so he can better manipulate her.

That type of humour may be popular between guys but it's toxic toward a girlfriend.

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

It's called negging.

It's a type of teasing meant  to undermine her confidence, throw her off balance so he can better manipulate her.

That type of humour may be popular between guys but it's toxic toward a girlfriend.

I agree if it's done as a PUA thing to intentionally get inside a girls head and make her more vulnerable.

But in certain parts of the world, especially in Europe, sarcastic humour is a sign of endearment more than anything. You'd use it with you friends, family, etc and definitely your partner, and they'll give it back to you.

Context matters, I personally don't think ribbing your girlfriend playfully for missing a bowling shot is anything that awful. It's different obviously if he was being dead serious but that's what I'm wondering.

[Gebidozo]

2 hours ago, RosieFL said:

I'm looking for answers from men who think like him 😔

I really hope there aren’t men like him here.

He is a bad partner, period. He lured you in with his love-bombing. In retrospect, him professing love to you after such a short time should have been a huge warning to you. Next time, you’ll know better.

[basil67]

17 hours ago, RosieFL said:

but he can be rude in general from time to time in other settings frequently too,

@FredEire You may have missed this ^    It's not just the bowling. 

Broadly speaking, sarcasm can work if the whole group is sarcastic.  But if the others don't share that humour then it's just rude.  So at worst, we've got abuse and at best, we've got a guy who can't read that his humour is not shared by her.   Either way, it's not working. 

Personally, I'd advise avoiding sarcasm unless you've already seen your partner using it with others

 

Edited October 1 by basil67

[MsJayne]

I'd cut this one loose. Everything's on his terms, and do you see how he did that without you even realising what's going on? Don't be sucked in by his 'I love you' and 'you're my soul-mate' horses**t, in just two months he's got you confused and unsure where you stand. He'd secretly prefer it if you only stayed over one night a week, except then it would be too obvious that you're just a weekly sexual convenience. Stick around if you choose, but I'd put fifty bucks on him gradually turning into the abuser that his ex-wife divorced. It may not be so gradual, he's already started devaluing you. 

[RosieFL]

16 hours ago, FredEire said:

Maybe I'm way off here but sounds to me like he was teasing you, but you interpreted badness in it. Has there been more outright stuff that making fun of your bowling skills?

Either way as you've said yourself the problem is obviously that you moved way too fast. If he's becoming distant it may be because you went 0 to 100 and he's suddenly having doubts. It sounds like you are, as well.

Well, he was grumpy the whole second night, after we finished work and gym separately we met Friday evening after spending Thursday night together, after dinner I said let's try bowling, he was nagging about how he's tired (he has adhd and sleep apnea but these are things I can always support with because when I love I understand and take care of my person), I've told him many times just communicate with me I will be here for you) but these aren't reasons to be cold towards me because I have my own issues and tiredness but when I'm w him I'm happy, the same night I was like "ru okay if u are too tired we can just stay home" he was like u are acting weird today can u go shower before I fall asleep, he wasn't being affectionate or loving, he was looking bored and sleepy, but he always is all day, I asked him before bowling if u feel crowded I can just go home, he said "is that what u want to do" I asked what do u want and he said do what u want. During the bowling it felt like I was with a grumpy angry person the whole time no hugs no affection just rude comments after every shot I missed I went bowling only few times in life I'm not a pro I felt ashamed of his comments tbh I thought he's my safe space. Then back home and I asked for a bandaid because I broke my nail he said I'll go down n find one, I said no it's okay he goes if u want something just say yes or no. Idk nobody speaks to me this way but I feel like why miss someone but when they are around act annoyed and uncomfortable ???? Then communicate super less for 2-3 days when he has the kid I understand when u are parenting u have less time but he made all the time the first weeks to text and call,  because when I have the kids I still make time if i wanted to text or call someone- when kids are asleep, playing independently, watching tv etc - he likes to play games after his kid sleeps and not even check up on me about my day etc when he clearly has time and he did in the first weeks, but even tho he says he doesn't like calling he did call me the first weeks. Thank god I still haven't introduced him to my kids.

Edited October 1 by RosieFL