Boyfriend of 2 months, goes quiet and cold after spending two nights together.

[FredEire]

3 minutes ago, RosieFL said:

Well, he was grumpy the whole second night, after we finished work and gym separately we met Friday evening after spending Thursday night together, after dinner I said let's try bowling, he was nagging about how he's tired (he has adhd and sleep apnea but these are things I can always support because when I love I understand and take care of my person), I've told him many times just communicate with me I will be here for you) but these aren't reasons to be cold towards me because I have my own issues and tiredness but when I'm w him I'm happy, the same night I was like "ru okay if u are too tired we can just stay home" he was like u are acting weird today can u go shower before I fall asleep, he wasn't being affectionate or loving, he was looking bored and sleepy, but he always is all day, I asked him before bowling if u feel crowded I can just go home, he said "is that what u want to do" I asked what do u want and he said do what u want. During the bowling it felt like I was with a grumpy angry person the whole time no hugs no affection just rude comments after every shot I missed I went bowling only few times in life I'm not a pro I felt ashamed of his comments tbh I thought he's my safe space. Then back home and I asked for a bandaid because I broke my nail he said I'll go down n find one, I said no it's okay he goes if u want something just say yes or no. Idk nobody speaks to me this way but I feel like why miss someone but when they are around act annoyed and uncomfortable ???? Then communicate super less for 2-3 days when he has the kid I understand when u are parenting u have less time but he made all the time the first weeks to text and call,  because when I have the kids I still make time if i wanted to text or call someone- when kids are asleep, playing independently, watching tv etc - he likes to play games after his kid sleeps and not even check up on me about my day etc when he clearly has time and he did in the first weeks, but even tho he says he doesn't like calling he did call me the first weeks. Thank god I still haven't introduced him to my kids. 

Well by the sound of it the whole thing is full to the brim with tension. You're rubbing each other up the wrong way and getting on each other's nerves big time.

If that's happening after such a short time together it doesn't say much for the long term.

[Georgia46]

My advice is to RUN!

 

especially if you have anxious attachment!

 

I have a bit of experience with the hot/cold thing and it will eventually mentally destroy you. 
 

I also don’t like what he’s saying to you .. and I feel like you could do so much better.

 

there are some lovely men out there, ones who know how to communicate properly and would never want to go 2 days without talking to you. 
 

big massive red flags 🚩

[RosieFL]

15 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Well by the sound of it the whole thing is full to the brim with tension. You're rubbing each other up the wrong way and getting on each other's nerves big time.

If that's happening after such a short time together it doesn't say much for the long term.

Well one day he accidentally said, I'm an a**h*** in nature but I'm an a**h*** who loves you. Idk by the time he takes all his space (2-3 days) he does communicate but very minimal and short msgs , I'm left hanging and confused and I don't have the reassurance when I need him the most. But he comes back loving and affectionate couple days after and express his emotions, say he misses me and wants to see me etc I don't care if he does quiet after spending good quality time with me but even when I'm around if he can't be nice and loving then I don't see a point, if he can only Be loving one night and the second night is s***, I don't know how the future looks, I know I'm already attached to him, he's all I want to hang out w I find no happiness hanging out w anyone else, I check my phone all the time but In general I dont have friends and family here anyway. I hit the gym that's it. 

Edited October 1, 2024 by RosieFL

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, RosieFL said:

Well one day he accidentally said, I'm an a**h*** in nature but I'm an a**h*** who loves you. Idk by the time he takes all his space (2-3 days) I'm left hanging and confused and I don't have this reassurance when I need him the most. I don't care if he does quiet after spending good quality time with me but even when I'm around if he can't be nice and loving then I don't see a point, but I have attachment issues I know I'm already attached to him, he's all I want to hang out w I find no happiness hanging out w anyone else, I check my phone all the time but I'm general I dont have friends and family here anyway. I hit the gym and feel lonely easily because my childhood was very traumatizing with no parents around to show affection etc. so even w my mom my relationship ain't great. Now im starting to feel I'm better to live alone and just parent my kids.

As someone who very likely has undiagnosed ADD himself and has it in his family disorganization and mood swings are pretty typical. It's not an excuse though, he has to take accountability for that.

I wouldn't jump to saying it's anyone's "fault", it just sounds like you don't bring out the best in each other unfortunately and are appealing to each other's doubts and traumas and it's resulted in more spiteful than loving behaviour.

IMO its probably best to just let it go.

Edited October 1, 2024 by FredEire

[RosieFL]

Part of me doesn't even want to respond to him, I feel like im slowly losing interest. But it is what it is. But from how it looks these are clear signs. 

[Georgia46]

I’m also going to be blunt because I don’t want you to go through this I’d rather you get out early -

 

someone who cares about you will not write you blunt messages or leave you hanging. 

[RosieFL]

Is this more like he's losing interest and want to let me go but in a nice way so I leave naturally after seeing his coldness ?? Does this have a name too lol 

[ShyViolet]

42 minutes ago, RosieFL said:

Well one day he accidentally said, I'm an a**h*** in nature but I'm an a**h*** who loves you. Idk by the time he takes all his space (2-3 days) he does communicate but very minimal and short msgs , I'm left hanging and confused and I don't have the reassurance when I need him the most. But he comes back loving and affectionate couple days after and express his emotions, say he misses me and wants to see me etc I don't care if he does quiet after spending good quality time with me but even when I'm around if he can't be nice and loving then I don't see a point, if he can only Be loving one night and the second night is s***, I don't know how the future looks, I know I'm already attached to him, he's all I want to hang out w I find no happiness hanging out w anyone else, I check my phone all the time but In general I dont have friends and family here anyway. I hit the gym that's it. 

Ok it's already been thoroughly established that this guy treats you really badly.  Now the question is what are you going to do about it.  Are you going to continue a relationship with someone who is mean and rude to you on a regular basis and treats you horribly, or are you going to put an end to this situation?  

[Alpacalia]

All this looks like is someone that came on strong in the beginning. A few days and already saying "I love you" is him being caught up in the excitement of a new relationship and this guy is full of it. He gave you presents because he knew it was leading to sex. That's about it. It was just part of the game to try and get in your pants.

[Leihla_B]

13 minutes ago, RosieFL said:

Is this more like he's losing interest and want to let me go but in a nice way so I leave naturally after seeing his coldness ?? Does this have a name too lol 

Naah, it's more like he bamboozled you the first two weeks, so now he doesn't need to lift a finger beyond one well-worded compliment to get you there, sleep with you, and then he's done.

He's already got you hooked. Now he can mistreat you and avoid you whenever he wants, and he knows you'll just stick around for the next time he crooks a finger and calls you 'soul mate'.

If you want to keep this, good luck with that.

[Georgia46]

26 minutes ago, RosieFL said:

Is this more like he's losing interest and want to let me go but in a nice way so I leave naturally after seeing his coldness ?? Does this have a name too lol 

It’s certainly not a nice way. 
 

I want to know why you aren’t running miles???

yes… narcissistic behaviour springs to mind 

[RosieFL]

6 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

Ok it's already been thoroughly established that this guy treats you really badly.  Now the question is what are you going to do about it.  Are you going to continue a relationship with someone who is mean and rude to you on a regular basis and treats you horribly, or are you going to put an end to this situation?  

It's hot n cold, some days he's very accomadating and loving, looks into my eyes, bakes food for me, asks if I wanna go out says he misses me etc, I see this side and the other side so idk but I understand if so many of you say this is what's going on, it can't be wrong. My heart aches but seems like this is the reality I may have to put up w if I chose to stay which I wouldn't, I'm already losing interest even tho part of me says all this is normal in relationships. I know that's a foolish way to look at it. It could be he grew up in a household talking and treating eo that way !!? But that's no excuse I want someone who's connected even when we are apart and someone who's excited to see me everyday, which he was initially until it faded.

[ShyViolet]

5 minutes ago, RosieFL said:

I'm already losing interest even tho part of me says all this is normal in relationships.

Oh my goodness.  No this isn't normal in relationships.

 

6 minutes ago, RosieFL said:

 It could be he grew up in a household talking and treating eo that way !!?

This is probably the case.  But who cares, don't make excuses for him.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, RosieFL said:

I dont have friends and family here anyway

Why haven't you got any friends? 

Part of your problem is that you made this man the centre of your whole life, which is never wise. But when you have only been dating 60 days., and he treats you like manure, it's even worse. You have started to depend on him to feel good about yourself. 

This man is snuffing out your shine. It shouldn't be like this. Please, see this for the dead-end relationship it is and get out now before you're hurt any further. 

[RosieFL]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why haven't you got any friends? 

Part of your problem is that you made this man the centre of your whole life, which is never wise. But when you have only been dating 60 days., and he treats you like manure, it's even worse. You have started to depend on him to feel good about yourself. 

This man is snuffing out your shine. It shouldn't be like this. Please, see this for the dead-end relationship it is and get out now before you're hurt any further. 

I didn't grow up here, I only moved here about 5-6 years ago, I have co workers but they are always booked every weekend, it's just that I barely vibe w people because everytime I say no to hanging out they never really ask again. I don't know I'm just not good at keeping strong friendships or checking up on people at the right time because nobody really checks up on me either. Or I moved too much throughout my life due to my parents being divorced and I had a hard time maintaining friendships. I have a good friend in a different country friends for about 10 years we chat and talk sometimes that's it.

[basil67]

1 minute ago, RosieFL said:

people because everytime I say no to hanging out they never really ask again.

You've got to hold up your end of the friendship by making invitations in return.  If you can't make one event (and that event can't be done at a different time) then you should be able to ask them to something which you'd mutually enjoy

[Gebidozo]

23 minutes ago, RosieFL said:

I didn't grow up here, I only moved here about 5-6 years ago, I have co workers but they are always booked every weekend, it's just that I barely vibe w people because everytime I say no to hanging out they never really ask again. I don't know I'm just not good at keeping strong friendships or checking up on people at the right time because nobody really checks up on me either. Or I moved too much throughout my life due to my parents being divorced and I had a hard time maintaining friendships. I have a good friend in a different country friends for about 10 years we chat and talk sometimes that's it.

Wow, I could have signed my name under this paragraph…  What you wrote really resonates with me. Except I’ve been living in a foreign country for 20 years. Still feel like a foreigner due to some deep cultural differences, but also because I’m not the same race as the local people and if I go to a smaller town people will literally stare at me and little kids will point fingers.

I also can’t stand hanging in groups, I much prefer one on one meetings with friends, and I also have refused to hang too many times, to the point that nobody asks anymore. And it’s worse because my work is extremely social and not hanging and drinking together till 2am is perceived as weird.

So I really understand how you’re feeling. You were feeling lonely and this guy suddenly appeared and told you how amazing you were and how much he loved you. You’ve become dependent on him to feel loved and valued.

That is actually never good, but of course it’s much worse when the guy in question is treating you badly. You’re now clinging to him because you have begun to believe that a bad relationship is better than being alone.

I hope you’ll be able to cultivate at least a few friendships. Your romantic partner should never be the whole world to you. 

Edited October 2, 2024 by Gebidozo

[Gebidozo]

1 minute ago, Gebidozo said:

Wow, I could have signed my name under this paragraph…  What you wrote really resonates with me. Except I’ve been living in a foreign country for 20 years. Still feel like a foreigner due to some deep cultural differences, but also because I’m not the same race as the local people and if I go to a smaller town people will literally stare at me and little kids will point fingers.

I also can’t stand hanging in groups, I much prefer one on one meetings with friends, and I also have refused to hang too many times, to the point that nobody asks anymore. And it’s worse because my work is extremely social and not hanging and drinking together till 2am is perceived as weird.

So I really understand how you’re feeling. You were feeling lonely and this guy suddenly appeared and told you how amazing you were and how much he loved you. You’ve become dependent on him to feel loved and valued.

That is actually never good, but of course it’s much worse when the guy in question is treating you badly. You’re now clinging to him because you have begun to believe that a bad relationship is better than being alone.

I hope you’ll be able to cultivate at least a few friendships. Your romantic partner should never be the whole world to you. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, RosieFL said:

I didn't grow up here, I only moved here about 5-6 years ago

5 or 6 years ago is not so recent that you couldnt have made friends by now. I grew up on a different contient altogther, and made friends within the first few months of moving here. I get that it's not always easy but we can't hide behind excuses either. Growing up elsewhere and moving years ago is not the reason you haven't made friends. 

This likely has something to do with it, though: 

4 hours ago, RosieFL said:

it's just that I barely vibe w people because everytime I say no to hanging out they never really ask again

Do you ask them? Or do you wait for them to ask you again? 

[RosieFL]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

5 or 6 years ago is not so recent that you couldnt have made friends by now. I grew up on a different contient altogther, and made friends within the first few months of moving here. I get that it's not always easy but we can't hide behind excuses either. Growing up elsewhere and moving years ago is not the reason you haven't made friends. 

This likely has something to do with it, though: 

Do you ask them? Or do you wait for them to ask you again? 

Well last 4 years or so I was stuck in the bad marriage just focusing on raising my two young kids by myself, but I'm okay not hanging out w friends it doesn't bring me joy or connection I just keep checking my phone to go back home, they all just hang out then not talk again for weeks or months till it's a random meet up to drink again so I'm not missing out on much I've had groups years ago but now I find peace just being alone, thank you though appreciate all the comments. I wasn't sure if the guy's behaviors are acceptable or not because I do see a sweet side too he bakes for me etc bbqs for me and asks if I wanna go out but then there is the cold side, anyway it is what it is and I haven't responded to him in a day. Hopefully it will just end for good. 

[RosieFL]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

5 or 6 years ago is not so recent that you couldnt have made friends by now. I grew up on a different contient altogther, and made friends within the first few months of moving here. I get that it's not always easy but we can't hide behind excuses either. Growing up elsewhere and moving years ago is not the reason you haven't made friends. 

This likely has something to do with it, though: 

Do you ask them? Or do you wait for them to ask you again? 

 

Edited October 2, 2024 by RosieFL

[Georgia46]

Take care of yourself Rosie. I hope your ok 😎

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, RosieFL said:

but now I find peace just being alone,

I also love my alone time. I understand that completely. 

However, having no social life is working against you here.  It has meant you have little to do but centre your life around a man - and in this case, a crappy and inconsistent one. 

3 hours ago, RosieFL said:

Hopefully it will just end for good. 

What do you mean, hopefiully? You can end it for good right now if you want. You seem to take a very passive role in your own life, Rosie. Take the steering wheel and decide for yourself that this isn't good enough for you.