We decided after 5 months to go to counseling

[GuySimple]

It has been I while since I last posted here. Things have been going fairly well even given the difficult time of year. The holidays went fairly well.

 

The kids found it OK though they had their tough times. I actually went to my W’s house for 4 days and we were a real family again. It seemed different being there and I was glad to get back to my home.

 

So, I have made it through the spurned ego stage of separation I think. Like many I did the can’t believe this is happening to me (even though it was mutual) and went on a rampage to mend my bruised male ego. Then settled back and started to look inward and figure out why things happened the way they did.

 

I realized that I spent more time complaining about the way my W was than actually concentrating on being a good husband. I apologized to her for putting pressure on her to change during our marriage to be the perfect wife. I didn’t even know I was doing it. There was a litany of negative complaints that I think she quite frankly got tired to hearing. I wanted a better relationship and tried to get it by telling her what she wasn’t doing.

 

So on New Years the kids called to say hi. They were visiting friends with their mother in another city. They put my W on the phone and I wished her a happy New Years. We talked for a while about their trip and our soul searching. I asked if she wanted to see a councilor and she agreed.

 

Last night she drops by to deliver a belated family gift that arrived and the discussion was very pleasant and absolute no stress.

 

So today at work I called her about something that has come up in the past the use to really annoy me. I was very pleasant on the phone however I caught her at a bad time as she had someone just outside her office and couldn’t talk. So she emails me and absolutely unloads on me. I respond that I didn’t understand why she unloaded and she sends another zinger. I sit back and think…despite the what I was behaving this time she was expecting me to be annoyed and that is what she is hearing. So I responded to her by apologizing for the misunderstanding and that I recognized she was upset because of my past behavior and that I take full responsibility for that.

 

When I dropped the kids off tonight I mentioned this again and she asked what gave me the right to get pissy in an email. I explained to her that I was being nice. Once she replayed the whole email conversation thing she started to get emotional realizing that I was being nice and hadn’t blamed her.

 

It is amazing what the mind remembers and hears. In her mind she see’s me a certain way and it will take me a long time to mend that if I can at all.

 

I don’t know what will come out of counseling. As I described it to her, it will be like blowing on the ambers to see if there is a spark. She is afraid to go as she does not know what will happen. I know she is holding on by a thread some days and does not show much emotion. We will have to wait and see what next week brings I guess.

[Zetter]

GS,

 

Sounds like good news. I have realized that email and instant messaging is an awful way to converse, especially for 2 people who are in a relationship. I had IM at work, and my wife would fire off a question and I would respond curtly. Or she would misread what I wrote and it would completely change the complexion of my message, always to the negative. This caused so many issues and miscommunications that I vowed never to have IM again. My advice during counseling is to not try to "win." I unfortunately used counseling to try to get my wife to see my side of things, which is probably natural. Instead, i should have used it to ask her how i could change. Of course hindsight is 20/20, but that could have had a significant impact on my now-failed marriage. Best of luck to you.

[travellingman]

I don’t know what will come out of counseling.

 

I wouldn't place so much emphasis on it. Sounds like you guys have made some progress without it.

[jmargel]

One thing I have learned is there is a time & place for everything. While you are OUTSIDE of counseling don't discuss past issues. Don't get her into an emotional twine. That is for the counselor to ask her and for her to talk to the counselor. You are NOT her counselor so by talking to her about these issues right now is kinda like poking a rabid dog with a stick expecting it to lick your hand. It won't happen, trust me.

 

In counceling the first session is going to go by fast! You two will have alot to say once he/she gets the both of you to talk. Try to let her talk first and take the conversation from there. Sounds like she doesn't communicate well and by her going is a very good sign. Remember this isn't for the both of you to vent on each other, it's not a boxing match. When she talks don't interrupt her, let the counselor ask the big questions. When you respond to the counselor or her try to do it in a non-threatening manner or a way that doesn't make her seem like a bad person. That'll only make her clam up. Once you get a few sessions into it (Youll have good & bad sessions) then you can get a little more personal with her. The first session won't cure your problems, it'll be an ongoing process.

 

However please remember once you leave that counselor office you need to focus on the 'two' of you. Just being a good husband and fixing what you can inside yourself for her will help bring this relationship back. She will then WANT to work on herself thereby fixing alot of the problems you to have.

[Mz. Pixie]

Good news GS!

 

Perhaps you guys can still mend it!

[GuySimple]

I am not sure how things will go or what will happen. Honestly, I don't that about myself. I have been doing well these past few months and I don't want to screw things up for myself.

 

A strange and sad thing did happen during the Xmas holidays. On the Friday at work I wasn’t feeling that well. I had a really tight feeling in my chest. After work I did some running around (dry cleaners, tailors etc) and I really felt like something might be wrong.

 

I drove myself to the emergency and sat outside in my car feeling really sorry for myself. I didn't know what I would tell them. My closest "next of kin" was my wife and she was on holidays with the kids. The last thing I wanted was them calling her for fear of being accused of ruining her vacation if it turned out to be nothing. I have no family within 1000 miles of here and I didn't know what friends were home. Needless to say I felt a bit sorry for myself and frustrated just the same that I was in this situation of vulnerability.

 

As it turned out I left, didn’t go into see a doctor. Went out and bought myself some electronics and felt better. I am sure it was anxiety over the time of year etc.

 

It was yet another big wake-up call to me to take care of me first and everyone else whom I care about and cares about me will fall into place. If I feel good about myself I can’t help but convey that to others and improving my relationships with them.

 

I didn’t tell my wife about the experience as really it doesn’t matter at this point. I am sure she has had days like that as well.