18 Years - Mortgage - Child -

[luresilky]

Hi all,

I'm going to try to keep this as short and detailed as possible because there is a lot to unpack. I left out gender as I feel sometimes we judge people differently based on what gender we think they are because we relate it more to ourselves rather than objectively. 

Background:
My partner and I have been together for 18 years. We were high school sweethearts and are now in our 30s. We have a mortgage and a toddler together, and we're working on a new joint business venture. We both love being parents, and everything we do is to ensure our child has a happy, healthy family life. We don’t argue much. Most of the time, we communicate openly, compromise, and work through any issues. Even when problems arise, they’re usually resolved within minutes. Overall, we’re a good couple.

Past Issues:
When we were in our early 20s (about 9 years ago), we had some issues. My partner withdrew from the relationship. We stopped being intimate, conversations dried up, and dates became non-existent. I felt more like a friend than a partner. I brought it up several times, explaining that I was concerned, but after each argument, things would improve temporarily and then revert back to how they were. They started spending more time with friends, going to parties, and ignoring my calls—things that were out of character. Example would be they went to a party and said they were going home after it around 11pm (Last text message). Usually they would call when they got home. This is something they always insisted on when I was out to make sure I was home safe. After several calls and texts I got a call from them drunk in a taxi around 5am. Said the went back to their friends Aunts house. (This was who hosted the original party) With some family. They had fun. People doing Karaoke the usual party antics then midway though a story said "Someone kept followed me around all night trying to get me to sleep with them but they had a weird jacket" I left the conversation there and spoke the next day once they was hangover free and asked about the party again. They got defensive stating they should have text but just forgot. I said i get that then moved onto the person who was following them around. They got annoyed with this line of questioning saying i didn't even speak to them and i told you about it so don't have to worry. I interjected stating I have known many sleezy people in my time but no one would propose having sex to a complete stranger they have never met before in a family members house. Filled with family.... They said maybe it was a few times. What did it matter the were only there an hour or so. I interjected again stating you were at the party until 5am. You left the hall at 11pm. its a 10 minute walk. To which I was told well I don't remember exactly what was said but I didn't do anything so what does it matter ? I asked if they wanted to end the relationship as clearly we were on a different pages. But they begged me for another chance, things like this repeated over and over until I felt completely broken. My self-esteem and confidence were shattered. I cried myself to sleep many nights, sometimes drinking just to cope.

One night during a conversation about celebrity crushes, I insecurely asked if there was anyone in real life they found attractive. They mentioned a colleague they thought was "hot" but insisted it was nothing more. A week later, during an another argument, they got very vindictive saying things just to hurt me. They blurted out that they had thought about this person during intimacy with me and on their own. As the last word left their mouth. I said "Get Out". I remember the silence of the room as I opened the door and again said "Get out". I refused all calls and texts and ignored all house calls for a few weeks.

During this time, a friend who i knew wanted to be more than just a friends reach out. We talked all night until the sun came up. It was nice to have someone hang on every word. Share their ambitions and passions in life. Laugh at my jokes. Take time to just be with me in the present. No phones ect Although we didn’t do anything, I felt relieved to have someone listen to me. Spend time with me. I continued to see this person for a few months, knowing it was wrong as I hadn't officially ended my previous relationship. Eventually, I ended it because I realized I was doing to them what my partner had done to me—using someone without giving anything in return. They wanted a relationship and i just wanted someone to take the emptiness away. I was far to damaged to committee to anything or risk getting hurt again.

After the dust settled from all this, my partner and I talked and decided to start fresh. We acknowledged our past mistakes and moved on. It was difficult, but after two years of dating and taking things slow, we got back to our old selves. We went on trips, had dates, and became inseparable again. We both worked on ourselves and our careers. I supported them through university, helping them earn a degree and push for a well-deserved promotion. Now, we have a 2-year-old, and we continue to support each other. We split everything 50/50, with no traditional gender roles in our household. If one of us has a bad day, the other picks up the slack without complaints. There’s no scorekeeping or silly arguments over chores or work. We just make it work.

The Problem:
If you’ve made it this far, thank you for listening to my ramblings. Lately, our relationship has become stagnant again—unsurprising after 18 years together, full-time jobs, and parenthood—but it’s falling apart quickly, like our connection disappeared overnight. Conversations have turned into one-word answers, and they’re constantly on their phone. When I try to start a conversation, I’m met with a feeling like I’m interrupting and annoying them. Like when someone talks through a movie. Our sex life has disappeared as well. At first, they said they were too tired or felt self-conscious about their body after gaining some weight, so I helped with their diet, meal-prepped, and cooked for them. They lost 8 pounds, but still, there was no change in our intimacy. We did it once after a family gathering. They were drunk and it was horrible. No passion. No eye contact. Staring away. I felt disgusted with myself as it seemed they were repulsed by me. I have a very athletic body. I look after myself and I get attention from the opposite and same sex. So its not like I let myself go as we got older but i do look different from when we were younger. With intimacy its not just sex. No touching. No kissing. No fliting ect.

This distance and resentment have spread into every part of our relationship, like a cloud hanging over us. I’ve talked to them several times, and they acknowledged the issue, but nothing changes. I suggested they see a doctor or talk to a friend, but they refused, insisting everything is fine. There’s no apparent issue at work, and nothing else seems out of the ordinary in our lives. I manage all the finances and bills, so that’s not a stressor.

For months, I’ve been going out of my way to improve things. I ordered their favourite takeout, made a cosy bed fort with snacks and TV shows they love, even found a discontinued candy they like, but all I got was a simple “nice.” It all came to a head recently when we were watching a TV series they wanted to see because everyone at their work was talking about it. It wasn’t my kind of show, but I watched to have something to bond over. During the last episode, I asked what they thought, but they were glued to their phone. I said, “I don’t even feel like you’re listening to me.” They got angry, claiming they could listen and use their phone at the same time. So, I tested them by mentioning something completely unrelated, and sure enough, they weren’t listening. When I pointed this out, they huffed and said,

“Well, sometimes I just don’t like what you have to say, so I don’t listen.”

I lost it. I cursed, packed a bag, and left without answering their calls or texts. I came back before our child woke up, but I’m done. I can’t do this anymore. 

I’ve been dealing with so much that I can’t think straight. I haven’t eaten or slept properly in over a week.

I love my partner but I want to feel confident. Happy. Loved. Wanted. Respected.

Can we fix this ? What can i do to help fix this ? I just need an outside perspective as I am far to emotionally invested to think of this objectively or with any logic. 

 

 

 

Side Notes:

• They can’t remember why we broke up before. They admit to neglecting my needs but insist no one else was involved. When I bring up the situation mentioned earlier, they say it doesn’t matter because they don’t remember doing anything physical with anyone.
• They told me they had a dream about their boss confessing undying love for them. Their boss is new as his family bought over the business they are really nice. When my partner's father was hospitalised they granted them 4 weeks paid leave. They don't work closely together but they are always supportive of my partner. My partner is a key member of the team so always put this attention due to the fact if they leave it would be disastrous to the business.  I know dreams don’t mean anything and that it's just our subconscious running wild, but this is the only dream they remember in over a year. I brought it up because I sometimes read into dreams, and 99% of the time, they mean the opposite. I mentioned an interesting article that suggested a dream like this might mean they don’t feel loved in their relationship, and the dream about their boss could be related to that. To say I had my head ripped off was an understatement. In 18 years, they have only spoken to me like that twice. Even when I tried to explain that they brought it up, it didn’t matter. I had to leave. They have since apologized and said they’re confused about why they reacted like that. 
• They mentioned feeling insecure and lost, suggesting that might be why they’re pushing me away (based on a YouTube video about push-pull relationships). They told me they can't understand why someone like me would be with them. I said it’s funny because I ask myself the same thing.
• They admitted to completely neglecting me in the relationship and desperately want to try and fix things, as they realize how bad things have become."

[Acacia98]

Honestly, I would give up at this point. You seem way more invested than them. And then there's the fact that you've been here before. Seems to me you'll keep finding yourself in this place again and again because they will keep making the choice to return there. If your partner cannot learn from what happened between you in the past and cannot find the motivation deep within themselves to address issues when it's still early enough to minimize the damage, then it seems pointless to keep fighting for the relationship. What really clinches it for me is the impact on your self-esteem. It's taken a hit, hasn't it? And your kid is watching all of this and internalizing it without necessarily understanding it. Do you want your kid growing up with the idea that your dynamic is normal/acceptable?

[Leihla_B]

My heart goes out to you. You can emotionally pretzel yourself 'around' the fact that this relationship may not be tenable, or you can learn realistic facts for negotiating wiser decisions based on good information. I'd start by seeking legal advice to learn my best practical options, along with the best steps to take for each option. 

While all of this may sound premature and undesirable, learning potential outcomes would give you 'real' information for your location as opposed to operating on emotions alone. From there you can make decisions based on your partner's level of willingness to resolve issues. You can offer an opportunity to salvage the relationship through couple's counseling, even while you already know other options, should they say no to that.

[introverted1]

Are you married? In a legal civil union?  Is the toddler biologically both of yours?  If not, has the toddler been legally adopted by one or both of the parents? 

Other than the mortgage, what are the legal ramifications if you split?