DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 (edited) Hi Everyone. I am Daniel from Argentina. I would like to know your viewpoint regarding some issues I have. I am 40 years old and I have never been in a relationship. Actually, I never got intimate with a woman and don't even kissed or touched a woman. Now, I want to marry and settle down with a woman for life but I don't know how to begin. It just seems a colossal task to find the right one not having social skills at all. I have been struggling with social anxiety and anxiety disorders since my childhood and I am a psychiatric patient. To make things worse my mother is 80 and although she is in good health I can't help being scared because I am an only child and I will be totally alone. The cherry on top is that I really fear failing in my relationship because I have some kind of old-fashioned values and divorce is not an option for me. Also, I am worried that if I get older it will be harder for me to find a woman to have children. I want to find a partner and stay with her for life. I don't want to have multiple partners. I only want to be with one woman. If this matters, my lifestyle is healthy: I don't smoke, don't drink alcohol, don't do drugs, eat healthy, don't party. This is not all. To make things even worse my country is sunk in a massive economic crisis. There is no job, no money, no opportunities for anyone. How will I be able to settle down with a woman without a job or money? This really anguishes and tormented me. Thank you everyone. Edited October 2 by DanielKla1984 Add new things Link to post Share on other sites
semble Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 Divorce not being an option is probably the least of your problems. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 Have you ever worked and supported yourself? How do you live every month? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 10 hours ago, DanielKla1984 said: I have some kind of old-fashioned values and divorce is not an option for me Are you religious? South America is known to be very Catholic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: Are you religious? South America is known to be very Catholic. I come from a Christian family although I don't go to church many years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 12 hours ago, S2B said: Have you ever worked and supported yourself? How do you live every month? My mother is retired and we live with her retirement income. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 When we marry we always want it to last for life. No one enters a marriage thinking it's a part time commitment. But life happens and sometimes couples have to divorce. It's very unrealistic of you to think this way. If you marry a woman and she mistreat your mother, robs her pension and drinks it, you really think you should stay married to this person? Have you tried to meet someone through activities, sports, etc? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: When we marry we always want it to last for life. No one enters a marriage thinking it's a part time commitment. But life happens and sometimes couples have to divorce. It's very unrealistic of you to think this way. If you marry a woman and she mistreat your mother, robs her pension and drinks it, you really think you should stay married to this person? Have you tried to meet someone through activities, sports, etc? Great observation. That is what anguishes me the most. But I can't help answering myself if the first relationship fails how many women will I have to be with until find the right one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 13 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Have you tried to meet someone through activities, sports, etc I am not an extrovert guy because as I said I have been struggling with social anxiety. Now, I am fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 5 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said: Great observation. That is what anguishes me the most. But I can't help answering myself if the first relationship fails how many women will I have to be with until find the right one. What is the problem with having a 2nd wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: What is the problem with having a 2nd wife? Because I don't like blended families. If the other person has children and I have children etc. I hate that model of family. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 14 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said: Because I don't like blended families. If the other person has children and I have children etc. I hate that model of family. Why do you hate it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Why do you hate it? It seems unnatural to me. My parents were married 43 years, that's the background I come from. I know that there are many failed and horrible families. I am not judging personal decisions. I respect them but I don't want that life for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 12 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Why do you hate it? I come from a conservative background. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 3 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said: My parents were married 43 years We celebrated my parents 60th wedding anniversary this summer. I am the eldest of my family and I was raised very strict and very Catholic. We can also call it a conservative background. We are humans, we make mistakes, we make bad choices. No one expects us to be perfect. Even the most conservative people divorce and start over. It's called the pursuit of happiness. Also, concerning the blended families. It's not because something is different that it's bad. Do you also expect to meet a woman who's never been intimate with someone? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Gaeta said: We celebrated my parents 60th wedding anniversary this summer. I am the eldest of my family and I was raised very strict and very Catholic. We can also call it a conservative background. We are humans, we make mistakes, we make bad choices. No one expects us to be perfect. Even the most conservative people divorce and start over. It's called the pursuit of happiness. Also, concerning the blended families. It's not because something is different that it's bad. Do you also expect to meet a woman who's never been intimate with someone? I was raised by Protestant parents. They were never too much strict. I always had total freedom to do what I wanted but I never wanted to do the things that other people did. Of course, At home we never drank alcohol, never smoked, never did drugs, never use swear words but I had a pretty normal childhood. I played, I read books ( I am a bookworm) I listened to music, I went for walks, I watched movies etc but without engaging in certain activities. The second question: I gave up on finding a woman who's never intimate with someone. Edited October 2 by DanielKla1984 Add new things Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 19 minutes ago, Gaeta said: We celebrated my parents 60th wedding anniversary this summer. I am the eldest of my family and I was raised very strict and very Catholic. We can also call it a conservative background. We are humans, we make mistakes, we make bad choices. No one expects us to be perfect. Even the most conservative people divorce and start over. It's called the pursuit of happiness. Also, concerning the blended families. It's not because something is different that it's bad. Do you also expect to meet a woman who's never been intimate with someone? I don't want to be perfect. I am not. But I consider this to be too much important to fail. Why do not find happiness in one woman? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 3 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said: Why do not find happiness in one woman? Because you overlook a big variable, life. It's very honorable to want to spend the rest of your life with only 1 woman but life may decide otherwise. All you can do is chose wisely and do your best. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 16 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said: I am a bookworm My boyfriend and I share the love of books. This is an excellent place to start. About joining a book club to interact with other book lovers? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 15 minutes ago, Gaeta said: My boyfriend and I share the love of books. This is an excellent place to start. About joining a book club to interact with other book lovers? Yes. I thought about joining a book club. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 22 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Because you overlook a big variable, life. It's very honorable to want to spend the rest of your life with only 1 woman but life may decide otherwise. All you can do is chose wisely and do your best. I am deeply indentified with these values. They are a part of my individual identity. If it were other way I will not be me anymore. I would be someone different and I don't want to be someone else and live like someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 6 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said: I am deeply indentified with these values. They are a part of my individual identity. If it were other way I will not be me anymore. I would be someone different and I don't want to be someone else and live like someone else. I am not trying to change your mind on your plans. I am trying to hit you with some reality. We decide how to lead our lives BUT there are exterior variables we have no control over. If you don't understand that then, with all due respect, you've spent the last 40 years in a bubble. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I am not trying to change your mind on your plans. I am trying to hit you with some reality. We decide how to lead our lives BUT there are exterior variables we have no control over. If you don't understand that then, with all due respect, you've spent the last 40 years in a bubble. When I was younger I didn't think like this. When I grew older I became a hard conservative but I am not in a bubble. If I were in one I wouldn't be so worried. Link to post Share on other sites
Author DanielKla1984 Posted October 2 Author Share Posted October 2 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Also, concerning the blended families. It's not because something is different that it's bad. It's bad for me. I respect everyone's decisions but I don't want it for me at all. 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: What is the problem with having a 2nd wife? The idea of having to sleep with another woman is disgusting for me. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 2 Share Posted October 2 (edited) There are all sorts of women with all sorts of preferences. However, generally you want to have the odds in your favor. If you are not something close to what women tend to find attractive, most will simply ignore you. That is what gets you to 40 and never had a partner. Women tend to be attracted to a handsome, confident, socially-skilled go-getter who also has an emotionally interesting "sensitive" side (or at least is those first 4 things I mentioned and also very interested in them). They generally will be a lot less interested in a man who isn't at least one of those things, and preferably most of them. They will tend to NOT be interested in a man who bemoans his problems and issues, particularly I think romantic and financial ones, and has not made much out of himself. They tend to want a partner who they can be proud of and who will make their lives easier. They are willing to put work into someone/a relationship, but only if they see potential and/or something to find attractive there to begin with. The good news is that, at 40, you still have a decent shelf-life in the romantic world, so all is NOT lost. From what you seem to present, if you want to improve your changes land a woman, you're going to have to make substantive changes in how you come across. While it's easier said than done, do what you can to: - make yourself more handsome - this included haircut and facial grooming, physical fitness, and wearing nice clothes - come across as confident and energetic - this will include both what you say and how you say it, also your posture/mannerisms/body language - develop a a PLAN of SOME kind for improving your financial situation. There are only so many men to choose from. If much of your country is in an economic wreck, a person with at least a plan to become financially independent is one step up from someone who is static and simply complains about their "fate". IF you can make whatever your plan is work - even better You will know you are doing the handsome and come-across-as-confident parts right, when women in your environment start to show some initial indications of interest. This includes things like smiling at you, having unnecessary but friendly conversations, mild flirting, and/or being willing to do you small favors. Women tend to develop an initial "connection" by these things, particularly the conversation part. DO NOT jump into romantic or particularly sexual overtures too quickly or appear TOO interested. You can keep things "casual" but if a woman shows sustained mild interest she is a bit like a fish nibbling at bait and it's ok to ask her on a date. If she says no, don't worry about it - some women "flirt socially" with attractive men, but without a serious intent of it becoming romantic. Also, once you are attractive enough, more will be along sooner or later... A date and/or more sustained conversations is where it's ok to mention your ACTIVE plan to improve your financial situation, how your the kind of guy who wants one "right" woman to be committed to in your life and other things that will accentuate what is attractive about you. Do NOT bash women generally or indicate misogynistic views of the kinds spouted on some social media in longer conversation - they are wrong headed to begin with and will also keep you single forever if you start to espouse them. I would note that your chances of finding a virgin partner (if that's what you are looking for) are likely not very good once you are dealing with adults, so if that's what you're hoping for it may not be realistic. GL Edited October 2 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
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