Loneliness

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, DanielKla1984 said:

I am not against meeting a lady. But I don't want to sleep with her until a life commitment. And most women wouldn't wait. 

Of course they wouldn’t. Why should they? Women have desires and passions just like men do, and they want to know that they are sexually compatible with their partner before they commit to a long-term relationship.

Don’t you want to know that? Imagine that you meet a woman, date her, and keep delaying sex until you’ve known each other so we’ll in every other aspect and feel so great with each other that you both feel you’re ready to stay together for life. You move together, get married, and have sex.

And then you discover that sex between you two isn’t great at all. And with time, it only gets worse. What are you going to do then? Do you know how many marriages crash and burn because of sexual problems? Do you know how many couples marry as virgins and then they discover that their partner doesn’t satisfy them sexually, so they suffer, get depressed, cheat, and go through horrible divorces? Just check this forum, a large percentage of the topics here are about sexual incompatibility. 

[DanielKla1984]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course they wouldn’t. Why should they? Women have desires and passions just like men do, and they want to know that they are sexually compatible with their partner before they commit to a long-term relationship.

Don’t you want to know that? Imagine that you meet a woman, date her, and keep delaying sex until you’ve known each other so we’ll in every other aspect and feel so great with each other that you both feel you’re ready to stay together for life. You move together, get married, and have sex.

And then you discover that sex between you two isn’t great at all. And with time, it only gets worse. What are you going to do then? Do you know how many marriages crash and burn because of sexual problems? Do you know how many couples marry as virgins and then they discover that their partner doesn’t satisfy them sexually, so they suffer, get depressed, cheat, and go through horrible divorces? Just check this forum, a large percentage of the topics here are about sexual incompatibility. 

Because if I had sex before marriage and then the relationship doesn't work I will lost what I consider one of my most beloved treasures that I am keeping for my life partner which is my virginity. Maybe you don't view it as a valuable thing but for me it is extremely important because if I have sex with a woman then she will have my heart forever and I can't be with another woman. The woman who takes my virginity takes also my heart. As childish as it sounds. And if we are not compatible how many women will I have to sleep with until find my life partner? I don't want to have sex with multiple partners. And I think the compatibility can be built together if there is good communication. 

Edited October 4, 2024 by DanielKla1984
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[DanielKla1984]

16 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course they wouldn’t. Why should they? Women have desires and passions just like men do, and they want to know that they are sexually compatible with their partner before they commit to a long-term relationship.

Don’t you want to know that? Imagine that you meet a woman, date her, and keep delaying sex until you’ve known each other so we’ll in every other aspect and feel so great with each other that you both feel you’re ready to stay together for life. You move together, get married, and have sex.

And then you discover that sex between you two isn’t great at all. And with time, it only gets worse. What are you going to do then? Do you know how many marriages crash and burn because of sexual problems? Do you know how many couples marry as virgins and then they discover that their partner doesn’t satisfy them sexually, so they suffer, get depressed, cheat, and go through horrible divorces? Just check this forum, a large percentage of the topics here are about sexual incompatibility. 

My virginity is important for me and it's important when, where, who and how it will be taken. It's a sacred thing for me. It's a symbol of a life union. 

[DanielKla1984]

34 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

Of course they wouldn’t. Why should they? Women have desires and passions just like men do, and they want to know that they are sexually compatible with their partner before they commit to a long-term relationship.

Don’t you want to know that? Imagine that you meet a woman, date her, and keep delaying sex until you’ve known each other so we’ll in every other aspect and feel so great with each other that you both feel you’re ready to stay together for life. You move together, get married, and have sex.

And then you discover that sex between you two isn’t great at all. And with time, it only gets worse. What are you going to do then? Do you know how many marriages crash and burn because of sexual problems? Do you know how many couples marry as virgins and then they discover that their partner doesn’t satisfy them sexually, so they suffer, get depressed, cheat, and go through horrible divorces? Just check this forum, a large percentage of the topics here are about sexual incompatibility. 

And what do you do? Just end up the relationship and meet another woman and the history begins again?

Edited October 4, 2024 by DanielKla1984
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[Gaeta]

Sounds to me you are afraid of sex and you are hiding behind some sacred virginity excuses. 

Almost sounds like you want to marry first so she's stuck with you.

 

[DanielKla1984]

9 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Sounds to me you are afraid of sex and you are hiding behind some sacred virginity excuses. 

Almost sounds like you want to marry first so she's stuck with you.

 

I am not afraid of sex. I long for it. But I don't want to turn myself into a "sexual tester" because I want a genuine, emotional connection. And what will I do if after the "test" I am not compatible with her. End the relationship and jump to the next relationship? And if that relationship doesn't work either? 

Edited October 4, 2024 by DanielKla1984
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[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, DanielKla1984 said:

I am not afraid of sex. I long for it. But I don't want to turn myself into a "sexual tester" because I want a genuine, emotional connection. And what will I do if after the *test" I am not compatible with her. Jump to the next relationship? And if that doesn't work either? 

What's the alternative? You stay 40 years in a sexless marriage?

Sex is very important in a relationship, it's the difference between being room-mates or being a couple. No sex = no emotional connection. 

There are incompatibilities that cannot be fixed no matter how you try. 

You seem to think couples discards their marriages easily, they don't. When couples divorce it's because the incompability runs too deep to be fixed.

[DanielKla1984]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

What's the alternative? You stay 40 years in a sexless marriage?

Sex is very important in a relationship, it's the difference between being room-mates or being a couple. No sex = no emotional connection. 

There are incompatibilities that cannot be fixed no matter how you try. 

You seem to think couples discards their marriages easily, they don't. When couples divorce it's because the incompability runs too deep to be fixed.

And what is the solution? Try and test till you find the person you are most compatible with? And what will you do if you are not compatible? End the relationship?

[Gebidozo]

37 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said:

Because if I had sex before marriage and then the relationship doesn't work I will lost what I consider one of my most beloved treasures that I am keeping for my life partner which is my virginity.

But if you don’t have sex before marriage and later the marriage fails because of that, won’t it be much worse?

 

39 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said:

And if we are not compatible how many women will I have to sleep with until find my life partner?

As many as you need to in order to know and understand yourself, your own desires, what you truly want from a woman sexually, what you can give to a woman sexually. Do you think these things are simple? People sometimes go through a lifetime of multiple relationships to truly understand what they need sexually.

I’m 48 years old, I was married multiple times, had many relationships, and I only began to understand recently what my true sexual needs are and what kind of partner I would be truly compatible with. Why are you so sure of getting so incredibly lucky that you don’t need to go through this process and, without having any experience, just magically find a fully compatible sexual partner on the very first try?

 

45 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said:

And I think the compatibility can be built together if there is good communication. 

Sexual compatibility cannot be “built”. Not from scratch. It can be increased, improved, enriched. But for that to happen, the initial compatibility has to be strong. And you won’t know whether it’s strong or not unless you have sex multiple times with that person, over the course of a considerable time period.

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said:

And what is the solution? Try and test till you find the person you are most compatible with? And what will you do if you are not compatible? End the relationship?

This is what dating is about. You date long enough to make sure you have common goals, commun interests, commun values. If you come across major incompabilities like they have addictions, anger problems, they lie, they cheat.....yes you stop dating them because they are not suitable for you....and yes you find someone better suited for you

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said:

I am not afraid of sex. I long for it. But I don't want to turn myself into a "sexual tester" because I want a genuine, emotional connection. And what will I do if after the "test" I am not compatible with her. End the relationship and jump to the next relationship? And if that relationship doesn't work either? 

A woman who's not waiting for marriage probably won't match with you anyway, so you have to look for a woman who is waiting for marriage.  There's no guarantees that you'll be sexually compatible, but that's simply a risk you must take if being a virgin is important to you. 

I think the bigger issue is your lack of independence.  Let's say you do find the perfect woman and marry her: how will you contribute to finding your own home?   I realise that finding work is tough in your country...but how many jobs have you applied for and what type of roles were they?

 

[Gebidozo]

46 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said:

And what do you do? Just end up the relationship and meet another woman and the history begins again?

I wish it were that simple. Unfortunately, I was a little bit like you when I was young, I thought some abstract “love” was the most important thing and sexual compatibility was just something that works itself out. I wish I knew back then that sexual compatibility is a very basic requirement for a relationship to work.

So yes, of course if there is no sexual compatibility it’s better to end the relationship than to be stuck in it and be miserable and make your partner miserable. Life is too short for that.

[DanielKla1984]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This is what dating is about. You date long enough to make sure you have common goals, commun interests, commun values. If you come across major incompabilities like they have addictions, anger problems, they lie, they cheat.....yes you stop dating them because they are not suitable for you....and yes you find someone better suited for you

I am talking about sexual incompatibilities. Of course dating is important to know the character and habits of the other person. But why not date without having sex? 

[DanielKla1984]

5 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I wish it were that simple. Unfortunately, I was a little bit like you when I was young, I thought some abstract “love” was the most important thing and sexual compatibility was just something that works itself out. I wish I knew back then that sexual compatibility is a very basic requirement for a relationship to work.

So yes, of course if there is no sexual compatibility it’s better to end the relationship than to be stuck in it and be miserable and make your partner miserable. Life is too short for that.

That is not for me. The idea of having multiple partners is insulting. And If the destiny is to have multiple partners I prefer to be alone and die virgin. 

[basil67]

Just now, DanielKla1984 said:

That is not for me. The idea of having multiple partners is insulting. And If the destiny is to have multiple partners I prefer to be alone and die virgin. 

So look for a woman who's happy to wait until marriage.  And accept the risk that they two of you may not find out that you're sexually incompatible till after you're married.  It's certainly an option

 

[Gaeta]

Just now, DanielKla1984 said:

I am talking about sexual incompatibilities. Of course dating is important to know the character and habits of the other person. But why not date without having sex? 

Because sex is a very important part of marriage. It is so important that if sex is not satisfying, with time, your feelings will die. 

Couples that have sex problems are miserable.

There is a man that posted his story here a couple of times. He married a lady and turns out she doesn't like sex. She says no to him most times and now he's miserable. We told him about the importance of sex compability before he got married, he thought everything can be fixed, well no! Not everything can be fixed.

[DanielKla1984]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

A woman who's not waiting for marriage probably won't match with you anyway, so you have to look for a woman who is waiting for marriage.  There's no guarantees that you'll be sexually compatible, but that's simply a risk you must take if being a virgin is important to you. 

I think the bigger issue is your lack of independence.  Let's say you do find the perfect woman and marry her: how will you contribute to finding your own home?   I realise that finding work is tough in your country...but how many jobs have you applied for and what type of roles were they?

 

I have my own house so no problem with that. 

[Gebidozo]

4 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said:

That is not for me. The idea of having multiple partners is insulting. And If the destiny is to have multiple partners I prefer to be alone and die virgin. 

I understand, but you named this thread “Loneliness” and it seems that you are quite unhappy with your current predicament.

Instead of stubbornly and rigidly following a principle that has already made you miserable, why not try to be a little bit more flexible and broad-minded to make yourself happier?

Nobody is forcing you to sleep with 20 women per year and change partners the moment anything goes wrong. Just try to enter a relationship with an open mind. Accept the possibility of failure and see things realistically. The reality is that marrying a person without knowing them sexually is a huge risk. 

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said:

That is not for me. The idea of having multiple partners is insulting. And If the destiny is to have multiple partners I prefer to be alone and die virgin. 

I don't know where this obsession with virginity comes from but at 17 it's cute....at 40, from a man that says he's not religious, it's highly disturbing.

Nobody tells you to have multiple partners. We're telling you you have unrealistic expectations, zero experience at relationships, zero experience in the intimicy department, it's not far fetched to think your first time around may not work but usually on our second time we make better choices.

[DanielKla1984]

3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I understand, but you named this thread “Loneliness” and it seems that you are quite unhappy with your current predicament.

Instead of stubbornly and rigidly following a principle that has already made you miserable, why not try to be a little bit more flexible and broad-minded to make yourself happier?

Nobody is forcing you to sleep with 20 women per year and change partners the moment anything goes wrong. Just try to enter a relationship with an open mind. Accept the possibility of failure and see things realistically. The reality is that marrying a person without knowing them sexually is a huge risk. 

Well. I wouldn't say unhappy but I think it's the moment to settle down and having a family. I wouldn't say I was always miserable because I had a pretty good life until my father's death.

[Gebidozo]

8 minutes ago, DanielKla1984 said:

Well. I wouldn't say unhappy but I think it's the moment to settle down and having a family. I wouldn't say I was always miserable because I had a pretty good life until my father's death.

“Settle down”? You’ve been settled down your whole life. You have no relationship experience, no sexual experience, and you want to”settle down” as though you were a repentant Don Juan weary of his innumerable exotic conquests all over the globe.

It’s your choice, of course, but you said yourself that you’re suffering from depression. Perhaps living a fuller life will alleviate your depression sooner and more efficiently than waiting for the remote chance of finding a woman who wouldn’t have sex before marriage and then risk everything and marry her while still being inexperienced, jobless, and frankly having the mindset of a young boy.

Edited October 4, 2024 by Gebidozo

[DanielKla1984]

12 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

“Settle down”? You’ve been settled down your whole life. You have no relationship experience, no sexual experience, and you want to”settle down” as though you were a repentant Don Juan weary of his innumerable exotic conquests all over the globe.

It’s your choice, of course, but you said yourself that you’re suffering from depression. Perhaps living a fuller life will alleviate your depression sooner and more efficiently than waiting for the remote chance of finding a woman who wouldn’t have sex before marriage and then risk everything and marry her while still being inexperienced, jobless, and frankly having the mindset of a young boy.

Maybe settle down is not the most appropriate word to use in this case. 

[DanielKla1984]

23 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

“Settle down”? You’ve been settled down your whole life. You have no relationship experience, no sexual experience, and you want to”settle down” as though you were a repentant Don Juan weary of his innumerable exotic conquests all over the globe.

It’s your choice, of course, but you said yourself that you’re suffering from depression. Perhaps living a fuller life will alleviate your depression sooner and more efficiently than waiting for the remote chance of finding a woman who wouldn’t have sex before marriage and then risk everything and marry her while still being inexperienced, jobless, and frankly having the mindset of a young boy.

Unhappiness 

 

23 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

“Settle down”? You’ve been settled down your whole life. You have no relationship experience, no sexual experience, and you want to”settle down” as though you were a repentant Don Juan weary of his innumerable exotic conquests all over the globe.

It’s your choice, of course, but you said yourself that you’re suffering from depression. Perhaps living a fuller life will alleviate your depression sooner and more efficiently than waiting for the remote chance of finding a woman who wouldn’t have sex before marriage and then risk everything and marry her while still being inexperienced, jobless, and frankly having the mindset of a young boy.

Unhappiness increased after my father's death. 

[DanielKla1984]

43 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

I understand, but you named this thread “Loneliness” and it seems that you are quite unhappy with your current predicament.

Instead of stubbornly and rigidly following a principle that has already made you miserable, why not try to be a little bit more flexible and broad-minded to make yourself happier?

Nobody is forcing you to sleep with 20 women per year and change partners the moment anything goes wrong. Just try to enter a relationship with an open mind. Accept the possibility of failure and see things realistically. The reality is that marrying a person without knowing them sexually is a huge risk. 

Don't think I am not worried about this. I am not jumping merrily to the waters of love. I want to know. I think it is always better to know. 

[SurfCity]

1 hour ago, DanielKla1984 said:

I have my own house so no problem with that. 

There are no property taxes where you live?

Even if there aren't, maintenace and repairs are expensive. You're counting on the government giving you free money to make repairs to your house, feed and clothe you and the children that you plan to have, and pay for everything else that you'll ever need FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. That's insanity. And you expect some young woman to want to join you in this by marrying you...it literally makes no sense. 

You should watch the movie Grey Gardens because you're halfway there already.