Cheated on what do I do? It's been an escalating pattern of lies.

[Henzalorian]

I have been with my partner for just over 4 years. Last year whilst moving house my dad unexpectedly passed away from a very short cancer battle. I didn't get to say goodbye and it's fair to say I struggled to grieve as this was during a house move and we were doing it ourselves and she has 6 children, so alot of stuff. In the several months after, bearing in mind I work full time in an emergency services job, and she is at home on disability and running about after the kids when I'm not home. We had a hell of a time, the roof caved in during winter and for 6 months we had to house 8 of us with only 2 functional bedrooms. Her youngest child has type 1 diabetes and would always have us up in the night for his care needs. Our sex life suffered, we weren't getting into bed until midnight most nights, I was super tired , stressed and in emotional troughs. I wanted some emotional support from my partner who I could see supporting her own friends with their own breakups and things, and when I even said I wish she would support me like she does them she just told me she wasn't able to because  she can't handle the situation having been taught herself to show now emotion when her own parents died when she was young. Regarding our sex life I since had noticed things not working as they should and now take ED medication which dramatically improved things for us which I will come back to.

I then started to notice my partner on her phone alot more, she would be typing messages on social apps but as soon as I walked in the room she would hold her phone to her chest, quicky go to home screen or black screen it. There was even an occasion I woke up in the night and pretended to be asleep and could see she was texting an ex of hers. Each time I tried to confront her about this she denied it and that I was being paranoid.  

We then went on a holiday, just the two of us for a week in turkey, the majority I paid for with what little estate money I got from my dad passing as I wanted to give us a break from the crap we had put up with. We stayed at a spa hotel and immediately booked a massage package for the week which started with deep tissue massage. Being my first time ever have this it crippled my body and I was in excruciating pain the whole week. Despite this I let loose and tried to enjoy our holiday but my partner didn't want to drink much or dance together. We were intimate on a sole occasion.

We returned from holiday and the phone usage was crazy, my partner would take it everywhere with her and even if she went out to the landing to turn the lights off she would stand there on her phone before continuing to come to bed. Long story short I caught her out on adult fetish hookup sites. She told me she was looking at doing some anonymous cam work and was purely just researching. I told her I really don't buy it but she was adamant and that we needed the extra income for her kids.

Our growing stress then mounted as our landlord then stated he wanted the house back and we had to leave. We had a month's notice to find somewhere for a family of 8 and I had to seek legal advice and all sorts.

I then discovered my partner had joined an online community I liken to a cult called brothers of Odin. I confronted her about this and she said she didn't want to tell me incase I would judge her. Looking into it though they seem harmless.

With further suspicions mounting I joined a particular fetish website I knew I had seen my partner using. I found her account and it stated she was single and looking for NSA. I challenged her to this with the evidence of a screenshot and she stated she put that initially as she was seeking some validation and didn't intend to meet up with anyone. I told her enough was enough and she agreed to delete the app. We had a big discussion about everything and then I sought medical ED intervention realising, from her finally communicating with me what she needed intimately from me and made me realise I needed to sort this out.

My partner then asked me if she could attend a couple of days out with some girls from one of her groups and obviously I had no issue with that. She then said would I mind if she went to Birmingham for a night out with her girlfriends and again I saw no issue in that. She told me some names of people I now know don't exist and gave a rough location. On returned she told me about a jazz bar they went to which was in hindsight a fabrication.

Following the night out I then saw my partner messaging a male who I will refer to as P on WhatsApp, a picture of what looked like her cleavage, she did it infront of me. She then laughed at me and said it's just P and I'm showing him my tan line, we just click as friends and there's nothing to it having chatted from the brother of Odin group. I believe her as I didn't want to distrust her as she had deleted stuff as I had already asked.

We then moved again and it was an absolute physical killer but we seemed to work well as a team. Thing got back on track.

P was being messaged throughout in front of me. Which from what I could see appeared to be normal messaging. And this continued until a couple of days ago, she would be sending messages to P whilst we were at the dinner table and I believed it was just a friend she clicked with. There were no kisses and there text seemed quite blunt.

Then since being medicated for ED our intimate life improved to a point it was occuring every other night since we moved and my labido was back and she was satisfied. Our relationship seemed to be back on track. And then my partner received a Snapchat from an ex she knew I didn't approve off as at the very start of our relationship they were sexting still until we got serious. Anyhow she told me he had just sent her a pic of his bus he drives and stating starting a night shift. This didn't seem right and my stomach churned with suspicion.

For some reason I don't know that night she went to bed and left her phone which wast locked on charge next to me. I couldn't help but have a look. I discovered she was still sending this ex nudes and he was telling her to leave me. I also found the chat with P and discovered she had sent him nudes and spoken about sex. I only looked at this specific chats as they've were the people that concerned me.

I then confronted her about this and she told me she wanted me to find out. She told me with P she met him on occasion for an hour and they went for a walk around a castle on a day she said she was seeking the girls group, the nudes and messages were about validation as she felt I wasn't interested and stayed they weren't recent, although from backgrounds they were within a year old. She told me that she felt I was perhaps gay in denial because her distant family members who had never met me had told her that was probably the case based on my looks and that we hadn't been as intimate as often as she wanted given that historically she never had an issue getting what she wanted when she wanted it. I asked her if there was more to this as I couldn't deal with anymore skeletons and had thought our relationship was back on track. She agreed we were back on track and she stopped everything. Again she stated it was about knowing other guys wanted her and she still was desirable. With P it started that way but she was growing distant from him and saw him now as a friend.

I had also taken the number of P and sent him a message as I could tell he had no idea I existed, particularly as her WhatsApp pic of the two us disappeared around the time she started talking to others. He then apologised and said we'd both been played as he thought she was single having met on an adult website. He apologised and said she made the move on him and he was sorry he slept with her. He told me the location they met in Kenilworth and she had driven 76 miles to see him. I confronted my partner to this and she was adamant P was just saying they had sex to be spiteful and that they did just walk around a castle and chat, no hugs or kisses. I accepted her account as difficult as it was but for just sending nudes and messaging I was prepared to box that off as damage limitation given our relationship was now back on track intimately since this was meant to have occured.

The following day curiosity got the better of me and I asked P when they actually had sex. He told me it was second time he met my partner and it was the same date as she told me she was going on a girls night in Birmingham. I then asked if protection was used and he said it wasn't as she told him it wasn't needed. He again apologised and stated he would now be getting a sexual health test and suggest perhaps I should to.

I then confronted my partner and initially she denied it until I hit her with the evidence and she told me it was all true and that she did it but it was quick sex and she didn't enjoy it. She stated she regretted it but justified it as we were about to move and with the kids being in different schools, she wouldn't have much of a life and as our intimate life was having issues she wanted one last encounter to make her feel good which she stayed backfired on her.

I was livid, I've been an absolute wreck since and I don't know how I can move on. I've booked in for a sexual health test but all I can picture in my mind is her with this guy from the picture ejaculating inside of her and her telling him he didn't need protection like she did the first time we were ever intimate. I can't sleep. And all I think of is how we've been so intimidate since and she was keeping that secret. At any point she could have made a disclosure to me or even said things had got that far she was considering meeting someone else. She had no regard for my sexual health. In the past I had offered in two occasions we could explore an open relationship if she felt she wasn't getting what she needed as I am aware of her past BDSM preferences which I'm quite novice with but as long as we both knew what each other was doing and it was practiced safely and our emotional connecti didn't suffer it would be ok. Both times she said no because she felt I'd get lots of women and she wouldn't get anyone. She couldn't bare the thought of me with another woman.

So this is where I now am. It's not as easy as just moving out as we are financially on the breadline, our savings used up to move and pay for another house deposit. I recently changed me car and it's been a financial drain on me ever since as things keeping going wrong. I can't sleep. I feel numb and I've started vaping. I don't know what to do.

 

[S2B]

If I were you I would find a room to rent by yourself. You are supporting 8 people, why?

and she isn’t respecting you. She’s treating you like trash and you are allowing it. Leave - start fresh and don’t choose another gal unless they truly respect and honor you.

she’s just not a nice partner. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know how you are going to manage the logistics of the split, but this relationship is clearly over. 

There is just no coming back from this. I am really sorry this happened to you, OP. 

[semble]

Why do you continue to confront her, what do you expect to accomplish by doing so?

You think she'll say "oh you got me, it won't happen again" and you'll live happily ever after?

[Bryanp]

Time to move on. She clearly has no respect for you.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?