How not to escalate?

[seachange]

After reading wita's threads about confrontation, I've been thinking about how to avoid escalating a fight, as opposed to actually starting one.

 

I tend to be a defensive, rather than offensive, fighter - I rarely jab first (it can take a lot to get me riled enough to do that), but find it nearly irresistible to poke back when someone jabs at me.

 

And then, of course, I feel all remorseful.

 

And although it's annoying when someone does the initial jabbing, a truly lovely fight requires the active participation of at least two people. I gotta own my share in it. But the less hotheaded part of me believes it's just a lot of wasted energy that could be spent doing umpteen creative projects or, better yet, makin' sweet love.

 

Anyway, I'm wondering if any well-adjusted folks on here a) used to respond angrily but now b) have discovered some zen-like way to sidestep that.

 

And I'm looking for something beyond your basic "count to ten", people.

[Outcast]

You have to remember we are animals. 'Fight or flight' is inbred. In a confrontation, the adrenaline gets going and out animal brain 'fight or flight' mechanism is primed. Your response is clearly to fight. You sense threat and attack to defend. This is why 'count to ten', 'leave the room' or whatever else it takes to get you away from the adrenaline-producing situation is necessary. Until your autonomic nervous system calms down, you're all ready to defend yourself.

 

So maybe email your discussion. Possibly phone it. Do what you must to get yourself to a state where your 'fight or flight' response is in full flower.

 

Maybe you can zen yourself into it. Maybe you can try deep breathing or some sort of other physical trick to turn off the adrenaline response, but that's what must be accomplished.

[bluechocolate]

And although it's annoying when someone does the initial jabbing, a truly lovely fight requires the active participation of at least two people.

 

Is there such a thing as a 'truly lovely fight'?

 

I used to deal with anger by clamming up, which can be one of the most frustrating things for someone else to handle. I would say nothing & could turn the atmosphere sub-arctic within seconds. Not healthy.

 

Personally I hate yelling & screaming. Once an argument reaches that level it becomes pointless because neither party is really listening to the other and the whole things turns into an exercise about point scoring.

 

When I get angry or upset about something now I talk about it. I say things like, 'I'm upset with you because.....', 'We need to talk about this before resentment gets out of control....'.

 

It can be very frustrating when you're dealing with someone who just wants to lash out when you're trying to be calm & sensible about it, but the important thing is not to raise to the bait, 'I can see that you're not ready to discuss this right now, I'll come back when things are more calm'.

One of the most important things I've learned is that a lot of things are not even worth arguing over!

[seachange]

Is there such a thing as a 'truly lovely fight'?

 

Only in an ironic sense.

 

I used to deal with anger by clamming up, which can be one of the most frustrating things for someone else to handle. I would say nothing & could turn the atmosphere sub-arctic within seconds. Not healthy.

 

Personally I hate yelling & screaming. Once an argument reaches that level it becomes pointless because neither party is really listening to the other and the whole things turns into an exercise about point scoring.

 

When I get angry or upset about something now I talk about it. I say things like, 'I'm upset with you because.....', 'We need to talk about this before resentment gets out of control....'.

 

It can be very frustrating when you're dealing with someone who just wants to lash out when you're trying to be calm & sensible about it, but the important thing is not to raise to the bait, 'I can see that you're not ready to discuss this right now, I'll come back when things are more calm'.

One of the most important things I've learned is that a lot of things are not even worth arguing over!

 

Yes, I agree - the only way to win is not to play. But that's difficult to remember when you're in the middle of heated emotion and someone's saying incendiary things to you. I think Outcast's right - it's a matter of overcoming an instinctive biological response of sorts. Guess I'm looking for suggestions for how to "train" myself, in a way, to respond calmly rather than to get angry in response.

[Outcast]

Guess I'm looking for suggestions for how to "train" myself, in a way, to respond calmly rather than to get angry in response.

 

I was in a situation where my anger was inappropriate. I was dealing with someone with a disorder who could not help his behaviour. Like most other partners of this sort of person, I'd still get angry at the behaviour. None of us (partners) could find ways to control it. I knew rationally that he was not to blame, really, but my feelings still took front stage. After reading and researching, I found out about the three levels of development of the brain and how rationality lags behind instinct.

 

I have since asked several experts about how to short-circuit the anger in these situations. The short answer is there isn't really a way. I researched anger management techniques, even. What I wanted to learn was how to not react - but that requires that rationality trump instinct and jump in before instinct does. That's pretty hard. Which is why the best solution, IMHO, is to absent oneself to give oneself time for the rational bit of the brain to get mastery back - and adrenaline will impede that process.

 

And I wouldn't likely get involved with someone with that similar disorder again.

[witabix]

Yes Outcast is talking a lot of sense here.

 

We all have triggers to our anger guns.

 

Escalation is a real bummer, I can control it when I am going into a situation that I am aware of the possibility of major confrontation, which backs up Outcasts comments, rationality has time to get in front of instinctual behavior.

 

Unfortunately a surprise kind of confrontation always leaves rational thought back at the ranch, cooking breakfast!

 

The funny thing is I have been told that it is difficult to engage with me "when you seem so cold and emotionless" in a confontational situation.

 

I wonder if that is someone trying to goad me into escalation. I have managed to avoid the bait so far.

[Giselle]

One of the most important things I've learned is that a lot of things are not even worth arguing over!

 

This is exactly what I had to learn as well: to pick my fights and decide what I'm REALLY angry about--the situation or the person that I'm sparring with.

 

I used to have an incredible temper. I would blow up at my bf about EVERYTHING. When I realized that my anger was hurting both him and me, I had to reassess how I was living.

 

What works for me is to keep talking to myself--I tell myself that whatever happened wasn't *that* bad, remind myself about how bad I would feel afterwards if I blew up, and how my bf would feel. By keeping myself thinking, I don't switch over into adrenaline-raging-temper mode as easily.

[scobro]

You have to realise you are getting mad and just accept what the other part has done or said.Its resisting that causes the anger but if you catch yourself and just have the attitude "ok this is what it is" and calmly try and be rational without anger you will be better for it.