My boyfriend and the Mother of his children's relationship is too much for me to handle. What should I do?

[Imperfectlyme42]

Hi, So I have been talking to my boyfriend for abt 8 months now and we have been officially dating for about a 23 days... The whole relationship from day one has been a little rocky... With the mother of his children starting out by threatening to come to my house and blowing our phones up with calls and disrespectful messages, and even messaging 2 of my friends on fb disrespectfully. I have tried to be nice to her but it doesnt work. On the 16th she came to my house and broke my door and had him arrested for "making" her drop and crack her phone while trying to get her to stop hitting it. All while screaming that he is playing me for a place to stay and they are in love and were just previously having sexual relations. Mind you he was the one to call the police but the situation was turned back on him due to her lies. After that he said he was going to the court house for his visitation rights so he didnt have ti deal with that but abt 2 days after that he went back over there and came home with her named saved as "Always and Forever ❤ bm". My kids father is saved as his name...

I brought up my discomfort with it and he threatened to leave... Within our 23 day relationship he's threatened to leave 3 times, stating he doesnt want to and he loves me but if he is hurting me then he should just leave. Since then he has went there to take a nap while kids weren't there and went there from 9:30-11pm another day and both times didnt tell me about it, I found out. I tried to tell him we should take a break while he figures.out where he really wants to be and what he really wants. But he told me he loves me and apologized over and over and said he would work on it, so I decided to give it a chance...

Still, he also leaves the room when she calls stating she doesnt like him talking to her in front of me and he wants to respect her,  even though through all of this I have showed her nothing but respect. She calls him Z** bear, and frequently tells him "we miss you" not just the kids..., they talk about everything where he barely talks to me about anything...And when he isn't home we barely talk but when he is home they text almost all day. And last night he left to go somewhere with his sister then called to say his bm is in the hospital so he taking his kids to his sister's until she gets out. Which turned into he is staying the night at his bm house because the kids wanted him to and he will be home after her other 2 kids, that are younger and aren't his,  goes to daycare. When I brought up him possibly coming home when she got there he again acted like I was overreacting. 

*This is the second time since we have been together that she had to go into the "hospital" because of an immune system disease that he doesnt know the name of. That flares up when she is stressed (by him). And even though she lives with her mother he says she had no other friends and needs him to help her do almost everything...

Am I wrong for feeling any type of way? For believing that he isn't over her and it would be better if I just dismissed myself from the situation? 

I love him so much and I feel like it would hurt me more than anything but atp idk what to do...

[Gebidozo]

28 minutes ago, Imperfectlyme42 said:

Within our 23 day relationship he's threatened to leave 3 times, stating he doesnt want to and he loves me but if he is hurting me then he should just leave. 

There is no need for any further information. This man isn’t ready for a love relationship with you. Please break up with him.

[Imperfectlyme42]

😭 ok. Thanku

[Leihla_B]

Only 23 days, and he is living with you already? WTF?

I'd consider myself as inserting myself into the relationship of a couple who are in the throes of...whatever they're doing, and I'd exit immediately.

I'd tell BF that I"m walking away while we both still think highly of one another, and if 6 months from now he's living in a place of his own and is free and. clear of all drama with baby-momma, he can reach out. If I'm still available then, maybe we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

If you're unwilling to do that, then good luck with that.

[Imperfectlyme42]

We were talking for 8 months before he moved in... but I definitely understand and appreciate your response. Thanku

[semble]

4 minutes ago, Imperfectlyme42 said:

We were talking for 8 months before he moved in

As if that matters.

This problem (poor judgement and impulsivity in a new relationship) is far greater than the one you're dealing with regarding him and his "ex" who really isn't an ex.

 

[Gebidozo]

“I love you” after 23 days of relationship means nothing. Moving together after 23 days of relationship is insane. Getting emotionally entangled with a man who is still emotionally and factually entangled with his ex is pointless.

You’re inflicting completely unnecessary pain on yourself. You’re wasting time and energy and emotions on someone who is simply in no position to reciprocate. Let him go, heal and start dating someone who is truly into you, and only you.

[stillafool]

Why didn't you have her arrested for breaking into your home?  This is a mess that you need to exit yourself from.  Why hasn't he set up custody arrangements of his kids by now?  It isn't his job to manage his BM's emotions.  

[mark clemson]

This sounds like a ride on the dysfunction train.

When it comes to romantic dysfunction, like often like attracts like as there is an unconscious level of comfort and gravitation towards "turbulence". You should take some time and think about that for a while (really).

It sounds very much like this relationship will bring highs and lows, but little peace or peace of mind. Also most likely it will "end badly".

[basil67]

You've been together for only 23 days and you're already miserable....and for good reason.   I should think the answer is obvious

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, Imperfectlyme42 said:

I brought up my discomfort with it and he threatened to leave... Within our 23 day relationship he's threatened to leave 3 times, stating he doesn’t want to and he loves me but if he is hurting me then he should just leave. 

With respect, it’s been twenty three days. Not even a month.

This isn’t love - not after 23 days. Besides which, love can’t overcome a crazy ex. When you see red flags like this early in the relationship - you end the relationship. Full stop. 
 

[Lotsgoingon]

It's totally fine--as in moral and defensible--to break up with someone who has a violent and abusive ex. Your life is endangered by this woman. And no, he cannot control her. So you have no obligation to put up with someone who has a trouble-making ex. 

And this guy seems clueless about how to work with the ex. 

I don't mean to be mean here. You dated this guy for 8 months. You surely saw the crazy ex in that time. When you see a crazy ex, you stop! You don't move in. Moving in was utterly foolish. And you moved in after 8 months. That's not really enough time to learn what someone is like. People can fake a personality or quality for a good 8 months. You got to go longer to be sure the person is a good choice to live with. 

[ShyViolet]

You've been in this relationship for 23 DAYS and it already has this much drama and craziness?  Do you know how absolutely ridiculous this sounds?  If you don't recognize how toxic this relationship is and how it's not a good idea for you to continue it, then you need to not date again until you get some serious therapy to learn to recognize red flags.  This relationship is not normal and will never be healthy.

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you have a history of very terrible relationships or something?

I am wondering why anything about this tool appeals to you. This is a reflection of your own low standards and lack of self-respect, sis. Get rid of this person and do better for yourself. 

[brandonkothell]

It's heartbreaking to hear that you're still missing AP after two years. The loss of someone so significant can leave a lasting impact, and it's completely understandable to feel that way. Cherishing the memories and the bond you had is a beautiful way to keep their spirit alive. I hope you find comfort in sharing stories and connecting with others who understand your grief.

[smackie9]

They need more time to sort out their mess. If and when they finalize their breakup and can be cordial with each other, then you could revisit dating him again if this is what you choose to do. I know you are bummed out with what has all happened. IMO he used you, and hasn't been forthcoming about his relationship with her. It seems very toxic and TBH you should cut all ties for your own safety.