Interaction during classes

[Throwaway19993]

I broke up with my ex a couple weeks ago. We have multiple classes together and even group projects together, so I can’t go full no contact. Instead, I have been doing strategic or limited no contact, which means greeting them in a friendly way when we run into each other, and in case of having to work on a project together only speaking about project matters. 

The thing is that we broke up in good terms, and even agreed to be friends in the future again (to which she even said “all I want is for us to connect as we did in the beginning and if we reconnect romantically, you’d be my first and only ex I’d go back to”), but during the first week after the break up she got mad at me for some reason (I think it is because I was a little too cold during classes but like what did she expect 💀) and blocked me on IG. 

While I’ve been mainly focusing on healing, moving on and transitioning my mindset from expecting her to come back to not expecting her to come back, I still didn’t want to sabotage my chances of it happening, so this week I tried to be warmer and properly followed limited no contact, greeting her and being open to talk about our projects ONLY if necessary, but now she’s extremely cold which doesn’t throw me off but I do want some advice on how to act. 

I think the most mature thing would be to keep being me and treating her as I would treat any other classmate, regardless of how cold she’s being right now, but at the same time I know a very important thing during no contact is matching the treatment that you get from them. 

(Some potential relevant data is that we used to be best friends before and suddenly caught feelings for each other, and that we dated for 9 months) 

[S2B]

It’s mean of her to give you reason to try and win her back.

you are broken up. Spend your time and energy on someone else or several other people. 

don’t play her silly games - try to get to a neutral frame of mind - neutral is going to be your friend.

don't look back - it’s over. She is toying with you because she can - and that’s just mean of her.

move forward. Only interact in class when you have to.

[ShyViolet]

You simply talk to her only when you have to, for school or group projects.  Beyond that you should be no contact.  

21 hours ago, Throwaway19993 said:

The thing is that we broke up in good terms, and even agreed to be friends in the future again (to which she even said “all I want is for us to connect as we did in the beginning and if we reconnect romantically, you’d be my first and only ex I’d go back to”),

See, this is why it's not a good idea to "stay friends" after a breakup.  This encouraged her to have fantasies in her head of rekindling the romantic relationship.  You are not "friends".  You are exes now and you need to let her move on.

[Throwaway19993]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

You simply talk to her only when you have to, for school or group projects.  Beyond that you should be no contact.  

See, this is why it's not a good idea to "stay friends" after a breakup.  This encouraged her to have fantasies in her head of rekindling the romantic relationship.  You are not "friends".  You are exes now and you need to let her move on.

I understand and I agree. However I'd like to add, in case it wasn't clear, that she was the one who initiated the breakup, and also the one who suggested to stay friends after, to which I agreed at the time. If anything, I'm the one who's encouraged to have fantasies of rekindling the romantic relationship ><. (Although I know her well and I'm fairly sure she'd very much like a universe where our issues didn't happen and we stayed together, which feedbacks my hope of her being open to connect romantically after enough time has passed, WHICH makes the genuinely moving on part extremely more difficult).

[ShyViolet]

18 minutes ago, Throwaway19993 said:

I understand and I agree. However I'd like to add, in case it wasn't clear, that she was the one who initiated the breakup, and also the one who suggested to stay friends after, to which I agreed at the time. If anything, I'm the one who's encouraged to have fantasies of rekindling the romantic relationship ><. (Although I know her well and I'm fairly sure she'd very much like a universe where our issues didn't happen and we stayed together, which feedbacks my hope of her being open to connect romantically after enough time has passed, WHICH makes the genuinely moving on part extremely more difficult).

It really goes both ways, it doesn't just apply to her.  Staying "friends" after a breakup is usually not a good idea and it just prevents you from moving on.  It creates a situation where you are still involved in each other's lives and either party may have those fantasies in their head of getting back together which is just unhealthy and preventing you from moving on.

[Leihla_B]

On 10/4/2024 at 3:45 PM, Throwaway19993 said:

(Although I know her well and I'm fairly sure she'd very much like a universe where our issues didn't happen and we stayed together, which feedbacks my hope of her being open to connect romantically after enough time has passed, WHICH makes the genuinely moving on part extremely more difficult).

What were the issues that prompted her to break up?

[Throwaway19993]

1 hour ago, Leihla_B said:

What were the issues that prompted her to break up?

In short, complacency and insecurity, specially towards the end of the relationship, made my naturally anxious tendencies come out, and instead of using self regulating resources to suppress them, I gave in to them and kept pushing her away.

She asked me for a break a few days before breaking up with me to reflect on what exactly she needed, but unfortunately emotional attraction had already fallen down enough for her to realize that despite the actually immaculate connection we had, she simply couldn't take my anxiety anymore. I didn't beg or anything, as I understood very well that she was right and that I had become too relationship focused and dependent, so I simply agreed and then took her home while we kept speaking and laughing about random things as we usually did. 

[Leihla_B]

10 hours ago, Throwaway19993 said:

I gave in to them and kept pushing her away.

What do you mean by this?

[Throwaway19993]

1 hour ago, Leihla_B said:

What do you mean by this?

I bombarded her with my needs for reassurance, to a point that would've gotten anyone frustrated and exhausted. While it's true it's healthy to ask for reassurance every now and then, when it reaches a certain level of frequency it becomes unhealthy and toxic. It was on me to deal with my anxious thoughts and calm down, but I kept putting that responsibility on her shoulders, and that was simply not her job.

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, Throwaway19993 said:

I bombarded her with my needs for reassurance, to a point that would've gotten anyone frustrated and exhausted. While it's true it's healthy to ask for reassurance every now and then, when it reaches a certain level of frequency it becomes unhealthy and toxic. It was on me to deal with my anxious thoughts and calm down, but I kept putting that responsibility on her shoulders, and that was simply not her job.

Okay, this is entirely different from deliberately pushing someone away. This plus the important detail that she was the one to initiate the breakup offers a clearer picture.

Speaking only from my own experience breaking from partners who behaved similarly, yes, I did use the "let's be friends" exit, but it was to deflect the onslaught of emotional drama that I feared would prevent me from walking away with a clean break.

I'm not proud of the fact that when I would see such exes later, I adopted the coldness that would stop them in their tracks from attempting to manipulate me with drama as they had in the past. So your best move is to demonstrate the professional restraint required to work together even while pretending not to notice the cold demeanor. In other words, do NOT call her out on this. You can't speak the right words to disabuse her of her fears--you need to walk it over t.i.m.e. instead.

In the future, she may lighten up, but that can only come from earning her trust that you can behave professionally without attempts to reconnect with her again. That choice needs to come from her, or neither of you can trust it. Head high, and time heals.

[Throwaway19993]

1 hour ago, Leihla_B said:

Okay, this is entirely different from deliberately pushing someone away. This plus the important detail that she was the one to initiate the breakup offers a clearer picture.

Speaking only from my own experience breaking from partners who behaved similarly, yes, I did use the "let's be friends" exit, but it was to deflect the onslaught of emotional drama that I feared would prevent me from walking away with a clean break.

I'm not proud of the fact that when I would see such exes later, I adopted the coldness that would stop them in their tracks from attempting to manipulate me with drama as they had in the past. So your best move is to demonstrate the professional restraint required to work together even while pretending not to notice the cold demeanor. In other words, do NOT call her out on this. You can't speak the right words to disabuse her of her fears--you need to walk it over t.i.m.e. instead.

In the future, she may lighten up, but that can only come from earning her trust that you can behave professionally without attempts to reconnect with her again. That choice needs to come from her, or neither of you can trust it. Head high, and time heals.

Thank you so much for the advice. That’s  pretty much what I’ve been doing these last couple of weeks, behaving entirely professionally around her and treating her like not more than an acquaintance. I really needed to hear this. 

[Leihla_B]

6 hours ago, Throwaway19993 said:

Thank you so much for the advice. That’s  pretty much what I’ve been doing these last couple of weeks, behaving entirely professionally around her and treating her like not more than an acquaintance. I really needed to hear this. 

Good way to handle this. You've acknowledged that she was exhausted. She doesn't have the bandwidth to handle anything further regarding your relationship. Keep modeling that you're capable of dealing with her without incident, and allow time to work in your favor. Head high.

[basil67]

12 hours ago, Throwaway19993 said:

While it's true it's healthy to ask for reassurance every now and then

I'm not sure I agree.  If your relationship is healthy, you shouldn't need reassurance.   Conversely, if a partner's behaviour is making you feel insecure, then you need to talk about the specific behaviour

[Throwaway19993]

On 10/6/2024 at 11:27 PM, Leihla_B said:

Good way to handle this. You've acknowledged that she was exhausted. She doesn't have the bandwidth to handle anything further regarding your relationship. Keep modeling that you're capable of dealing with her without incident, and allow time to work in your favor. Head high.

Quick update. She did lighten up. She unblocked me from IG yesterday, and today she was a lot warmer than other days. I stayed casual and again, treated her like nothing more than an acquaintance at first.

However, we had one class where we crazily got randomly assigned to work together, and she was not only warmer, but was being A LOT more friendly and playful, cracking jokes and having her dumb humor back with me as usual. I didn't give it that much thought, so I just acted accordingly to match the vibe, as being dumb and random together is like one big thing that we have always done and a big reason why we connected in the first place. I honestly felt that if I didn't act as I would normally do (cause having random humor myself is how I usually behave around anyone too), it would've made me look awkward and still rattled up about the breakup. I obviously didn't bring up anything relationship or emotions related, and made sure to always keep my focus mainly on the work, but I did crack some jokes with her every now and then that made us both laugh as usual. As soon as the class was over though, I casually said bye and left to mind my own business. 

The thing is this has now gotten me overthinking the situation a little bit. Part of me feels like this was bread crumbling and maybe I fell in the trap. Maybe I did give her the ego boost she was craving after me not begging after the breakup. But part of me also feels that interactions like these are positive to clean off that bad feeling she has regarding me and our relationship. I really don't want the vibe to be heavy and awkward, I would much rather it be lighthearted and fun, specially if we have to keep working together until the end of the semester. 

[Acacia98]

Gosh. This sounds exhausting. I'm so sorry. I hope you're not in the same class next semester. A clean break would be good for you.

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, Throwaway19993 said:

I obviously didn't bring up anything relationship or emotions related, and made sure to always keep my focus mainly on the work, but I did crack some jokes with her every now and then that made us both laugh as usual. As soon as the class was over though, I casually said bye and left to mind my own business. 

Perfect! You did great.

Quote

The thing is this has now gotten me overthinking the situation a little bit. Part of me feels like this was bread crumbling and maybe I fell in the trap. Maybe I did give her the ego boost she was craving after me not begging after the breakup.

Naaah. It's not breadcrumby to get along when you need to work together. This is what colleagues who break up need to be able to do.

Quote

But part of me also feels that interactions like these are positive to clean off that bad feeling she has regarding me and our relationship. I really don't want the vibe to be heavy and awkward, I would much rather it be lighthearted and fun, specially if we have to keep working together until the end of the semester. 

Yes! Excellent work. You've shown her that you're not going to exhaust her and can keep your focus away from the breakup. This will hopefully get easier for both of you over time.

[Foxhall]

Nine months I suppose is not that long and if you were friends before it is likely after a reasonable period of time that things can revert back to that,

 

it is different if say a five year relationship ends- friendship may be difficult to fall back on as there will be a certain amount of bitterness lingering at least from one side.

[Throwaway19993]

On 10/8/2024 at 3:16 AM, Leihla_B said:

Perfect! You did great.

Naaah. It's not breadcrumby to get along when you need to work together. This is what colleagues who break up need to be able to do.

Yes! Excellent work. You've shown her that you're not going to exhaust her and can keep your focus away from the breakup. This will hopefully get easier for both of you over time.

Hey! Not really an update as is but I wanted to ask a few things (Sorry for the long text 😣)

Thing's have remained basically the same. When we share classes we have been keeping things well away from the breakup and mostly focused on either the work or just random silly things. No serious or heavy talk at all. As soon as the class is over I go about my business. My problem is that whatever this dynamic is, it feels way too similar to what we have always been like together, whether it was before or after being a couple. The only difference is that we showed physical and verbal affection when we were a couple.

Since I'm unfortunately not over her yet, as it's been only a month, after these interactions I always end up overthinking about what the hell is going on in her mind. I REALLY don't want to misinterpret this as mixed signals. She treats me like she's always have and when we're together seems to be very attentive to whatever I'm saying and open to joke around with me and act silly with me cause we both eat that thing up. At the same time though she hasn't reached out or anything outside of the classes. 

As much as I agree this dynamic is good for the sake of our projects together, I don't think being just friends with her works for me right now. I don't want her to interpret these interactions as me settling for friendship. I may be looking too much into this, but how is she supposed to develop fear of missing out or curiosity and therefore attraction again if I'm constantly satisfying her needs for attention? 

There's a lot of advice online that suggest that when you have the necessity to speak to them always stick to the topic only and don't ever bring up the breakup. I think that's great advice, but it's very black and white. I don't ever think about talking about the breakup but we do go beyond the topic only, and I don't know if I'm doing good or wrong with this. 

I don't know if I should be blunt with my feelings and let her know that this is happening. I wouldn't ask her whether she wants to come back right away or anything crazy like that. It'd be something along the lines of "I'm starting to interpret our interactions as mixed signals. If you are open to the idea of going with the flow and seeing if we can connect again and make it work, then great, but if not and you would rather just be friends, then unfortunately that doesn't work for me right now and I would have to back down a bit and remain project focused only. If you change your mind and I'm available, let me know"

On a different note, I've been doing the work. I've been going to the gym all month, reading personal development books, still putting effort into figuring out everything I did wrong in the relationship and learning A LOT about attachment styles, relationships and attraction. Part of me still has a lingering feeling of me doing this because of her, but the more I get into it the more I come to terms with the idea that this is for me and the sake of my own future and happiness, regardless of her coming back or not. 

Thank you for reading and again, sorry for such a long text D;

Edited 14 hours ago by Throwaway19993

[Leihla_B]

14 minutes ago, Throwaway19993 said:

I don't know if I should be blunt with my feelings and let her know that this is happening.

Hell no. You've been doing well to get along in a forced environment. Keep it that way. If ex ever wants to cross the line, she's perfectly capable of doing so.

You're behaving in a way that she can respect and trust right now. If you deviate, you will reveal that you've been hiding an agenda, and you will regret that. And you can never take that back.

I understand hope, but you'd best put it on the back burner and respect that if ex ever wants to move beyond the boundaries of socially acceptable behavior during class, she'll make sure you're the first to know that. You can't force that or influence it without harming the trust and respect you've been building now.

[flitzanu]

none of this is mixed signals.  she dumped you and demoted you to "being friends" which you have now accepted.

she's treating you like her friend and now you're acting just like you did before the breakup, so you're giving her exactly what she wanted, she has your friendship and she has her freedom to date other people.

you are being dishonest by agreeing to "stay friends" because that's not what you want.

you're letting her have the best of both worlds right now.  of course you have classes so you can't just disappear, but i'd really consider how you treat her because she dumped you and you're giving her the image that it's totally ok for her to throw you away and you'll stand by for scraps.

[Throwaway19993]

40 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Hell no. You've been doing well to get along in a forced environment. Keep it that way. If ex ever wants to cross the line, she's perfectly capable of doing so.

You're behaving in a way that she can respect and trust right now. If you deviate, you will reveal that you've been hiding an agenda, and you will regret that. And you can never take that back.

I understand hope, but you'd best put it on the back burner and respect that if ex ever wants to move beyond the boundaries of socially acceptable behavior during class, she'll make sure you're the first to know that. You can't force that or influence it without harming the trust and respect you've been building now.

Okay, I understand. No going to her directly about this. Every potential escalation should be 100% on her so I don't harm the trust and respect I've been building. 

However what @flitzanusaid there is basically what I was afraid of. I don't want her to have the best of both worlds. I'm not okay with giving her my friendship while she has the freedom to date other people. There is a fine line between getting along for the sake of our projects together and giving the image that I'm letting her have the best of both worlds, and I honestly don't really know how to walk it.

I think it would be too rude and definitely not beneficial at this point to suddenly treat her freezing cold, but I think I should try turning our interactions down a bit and maybe keep them to necessary only.

[Leihla_B]

5 hours ago, Throwaway19993 said:

I don't want her to have the best of both worlds. I'm not okay with giving her my friendship while she has the freedom to date other people. There is a fine line between getting along for the sake of our projects together and giving the image that I'm letting her have the best of both worlds, and I honestly don't really know how to walk it.

Coworkers, teammates, fellow students all owe it to themselves and everyone around them to participate to their highest standard. That means leaving personal biases, grudges and agendas outside the room.

You've been doing well, and you've been staying inside the lines of a professional context, so your ex does NOT privately benefit from a friendship. Everyone involved benefits from your maturity in raising the energy and investment and professionalism in the room, and if you can add some joy to boot, go for it.

This isn't about benefitting your ex, it's about benefitting your own school work and your colleagues. If you want to harm yourself just to uphold a grudge or manipulate your ex, then you don't belong in the room. Take the class elsewhere, or continue performing your best regardless of who else benefits. 

Head high, you're not in high school anymore.

[Throwaway19993]

5 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Coworkers, teammates, fellow students all owe it to themselves and everyone around them to participate to their highest standard. That means leaving personal biases, grudges and agendas outside the room.

You've been doing well, and you've been staying inside the lines of a professional context, so your ex does NOT privately benefit from a friendship. Everyone involved benefits from your maturity in raising the energy and investment and professionalism in the room, and if you can add some joy to boot, go for it.

This isn't about benefitting your ex, it's about benefitting your own school work and your colleagues. If you want to harm yourself just to uphold a grudge or manipulate your ex, then you don't belong in the room. Take the class elsewhere, or continue performing your best regardless of who else benefits. 

Head high, you're not in high school anymore.

Okay yeah. Reading this gave me a lot of peace. I do need to interiorize this mindset so I don’t drift away from the right behaviors, and having it this clear helps an incredible lot. Thank you.