Leihla_B Posted October 16 Share Posted October 16 (edited) 2 hours ago, stillafool said: What I would do if I were you at this point is to start chatting up and dating other girls and I wouldn't try to hide if from her. I'd still be friendly to her in class. I'd avoid using your common classrooms for this. If you want to start seeing other people, that's your prerogative, but I'd avoid breaking from professional conduct inside of places where you're being graded as a professional. That can bite you from many directions. Quote Show her what it's like to just be friends since that is what you accepted from her in the first place. I wouldn't attempt a friendship right now. Being kind during class or any workplace is forced socialization. If you can bring humor and good work into those interactions, that's a benefit to you and all involved. But it's not a friendship, it's a good working relationship that serves your own best interests. Quote If she does have lingering feelings for you, seeing you with other girls will trigger them and if she doesn't want to reconcile after that, you will know it's not going to happen and to move on for good. I agree that cultivating a good social life for yourself beyond circles that include your ex is a great idea. It's healthy for you to build good bonds and an independent focus on that. But ethics enter here. Doing so only for the purpose of prompting someone else to be jealous is juvenile, usually obvious, and a misuse of the people with whom you socialize. That's a way to build enemies, not lasting friendships or potential romances. Remember where you are, and it's not grade school. Seeing you with other people might be something your ex interprets with relief, especially if she holds a fondness for you and wants the best for you. This doesn't mean she may never reflect on you in the future further down the road and reach out to reconnect--so I wouldn't try to impact or read 'immediate results' from any of this. Quote You'll never be able to "nice" a girl back. Remember that. This is true, yet there are other reasons to play 'nice' whenever you're forced to be on the same campus. Those reasons build goodwill and benefit you beyond attempts to manipulate an ex. Use your own inner compass. If something feels manipulative, trust that it will be obvious to more people than yourself. Avoid embarrassment by operating kindly, ethically, and without an agenda. You can't go wrong, and you'll avoid the anxiety that comes with trying to manipulate results from another person. Edited October 16 by Leihla_B Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted October 16 Share Posted October 16 On 10/15/2024 at 10:10 PM, Throwaway19993 said: I think I should try turning our interactions down a bit and maybe keep them to necessary only. I think so too. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 17 Share Posted October 17 (edited) 3 hours ago, Leihla_B said: I'd avoid using your common classrooms for this. If you want to start seeing other people, that's your prerogative, but I'd avoid breaking from professional conduct inside of places where you're being graded as a professional. That can bite you from many directions. Sorry, but I didn't mean in the classroom. Outside of the classroom should be fine. I don't see why you shouldn't meet and get to know new friends. That's good for you and will help you move on. Edited October 17 by stillafool Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Throwaway19993 Posted October 17 Author Share Posted October 17 (edited) I think I’m the most in peace knowing that I’m being friendly and keeping the vibe lighthearted during our classes and work together. Maybe not over doing it as I feel I have been doing, but matching the energy for the sake of our grades. What do you think I should do though in case she does reach out to me outside of the classroom in attempt of privately benefiting of a friendship with me? Should I then be explicitly clear about not being okay with that? Also, I would be open to casually meet other people, but I won’t rush into dating as I feel I haven’t completed my grieving process and I’m not emotionally available yet. I did want to add an update too. My therapist yesterday figured out that she actually has BPD. When he said it, I recalled her mentioning something about it well before being a couple and both of us acting as if it probably wasn’t a big deal and relevant (God we were WRONG). It doesn’t really matter at this point, as the relationship is over, but it does explain a lot of things about the ENTIRE dynamic of our time as a couple, which gave me a sense of closure that I very much needed, and helps me to put the whole situation in the back burner more. I don’t think she’s aware, but it’s not my responsibility anymore to let her know or help her with it. Edited October 17 by Throwaway19993 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 17 Share Posted October 17 2 hours ago, Throwaway19993 said: What do you think I should do though in case she does reach out to me outside of the classroom in attempt of privately benefiting of a friendship with me? Should I then be explicitly clear about not being okay with that? I think the kindest decline would be in your best interest to avoid suffering another cold shoulder spell from her while you still need to work with her. That would be more stressful for you than necessary. So I'd just nicely explain that I'm still processing the breakup, but I appreciate the offer and maybe someday that could work out. Hopefully, that could be a win/win. You duck the pressure of a friendship you don't want to reward her, but you also avoid insulting her. What do you think? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Throwaway19993 Posted October 17 Author Share Posted October 17 14 hours ago, Leihla_B said: What do you think? Yes, that does sound pretty good in general actually. I agree that it’s the closest thing to a win/win. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author Throwaway19993 Posted November 27 Author Share Posted November 27 Quick update. We ended up getting closer as time went by, and 2 days ago we finally decided to try again and build up a new relationship from a place of mental health and better understanding of healthy relationship dynamics for both of us. We are going to go slow for now to see if the chances and improvements remain consistent, and see where things go from there. Thanks a lot to everyone for their help during such a confusing and overall hard time (: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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