IslandGrl Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 Hello everyone! Well… I’ve been dating this guy for a month now. Everything has been great. He is a strong believer in God which I love and just a pleasure to be around. We text throughout the day and talk 1-2 times a day on the phone. We’ve been on several dates in such a short time, got me a gift on my birthday and took me out. He always checks on me throughout the day and we always have something to talk about. So I think its safe to say he likes me.. but how much?.. I didn’t realize how deep he was into his faith until a few dates in. We were intimate a few times..and back to back 🥴yes I know.. Should have waited 😢..He asked me to promise him that when he came over this particular day we would refrain from sex. Of course that went out the window. Although it takes two to tango, I initiated it and we both felt guilty about it. He said he wanted to wait until marriage for spiritual reasons and that he felt it would be more special if we held off on that. In addition, he said removing sex and continuing to get to know each other will show if the connection is deeper than sex. Of course in my mind I was thinking “whos to say he’s going to actually marry me?”..and went into this rabbit hole of thinking something must be wrong with me. (I played it cool and vented to a friend about it) He told me to try not to overthink and that he wasn’t going anywhere. I felt like that was false reassurance because we’re still getting to know each other and anything can happen.. but I kept those thoughts to myself. I respected his decision and have also been working on my faith with God.. after all.. I’ve been praying for a Godly man to come into my life but didn’t think it would be this extreme.. or am I just a heathen? My concern is that he is using his faith to get away from me. The crazy thing is that nothing has actually changed. He wants to have a bible study one day which I don’t mind doing. He stated the other day that he felt weird and that its been really hard for him due to his attraction to me and prefers not to be in an enclosed space aka at each other homes as a preventative. He’s really serious about his faith and calling. But now I’m left worrying about the unknown. He just reached out as I’m typing this.. if he only knew LOL… Should I be concerned about anything??? Red flags? Thanks for reading my little rant. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 I don’t think he is using his faith to get away from you. He seems to be very serious about both his faith and this relationship. People have various degrees of commitment to a spiritual system, different interpretations of its moral principles, and different levels of strictness concerning its rules. He attempts to follow the Christian ideal of having sex only within marriage very literally. However, you don’t appear to be onboard with that. There is nothing wrong with that, you aren’t a “heathen”. I’m a Christian too and for various reasons I have decided that abstaining from sex before marriage would not be feasible for me. Keep in mind that the rule of sexual abstinence before marriage was made at a time when neither condoms nor pills existed and girls were given away in arranged marriages at the age of 13. It made a lot of sense back then. Today, a very strict, literal interpretation of it appears to be more harmful than helpful. But that’s just my opinion. You should voice your concerns to your BF, speak with him openly about these issues. Forcing yourself to abstain from sex just to accommodate his beliefs isn’t a very good idea. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 (edited) He’s not my boyfriend, yet…we just started dating hence why I have some reservations. I like him a lot and willing to be on board. I’m just a big overthinker and thought he was using his faith to slowly ghost me. All I can do is take his word until his actions don’t align. Is it really forcing myself if i’m only interested in him right now? I dont want to have sex with a random person for gratification and have nothing else in common or real connection with them. But I can see what youre saying. Edited October 4 by IslandGrl Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 I'm really confused. He says he wants to get to know you better but you're concerned he's ghosting you. But both things can't be happening at the same time. How long has it been since he was in contact with you? As far as you being a 'heathen', if you believe in God then you're not a heathen. Unlike my family who have no god or spiritual beliefs and are the very definition of a bunch of heathens Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 55 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: He’s not my boyfriend, yet…we just started dating hence why I have some reservations. Oh, so he had sex with you outside of a committed relationship? And now he suggests to wait till marriage but he still doesn’t consider you his girlfriend? Well, yes, of course it’s suspicious. I thought you were officially together. If he isn’t committed to you then all his talk about faith and abstinence is just… well, talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 31 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Oh, so he had sex with you outside of a committed relationship? And now he suggests to wait till marriage but he still doesn’t consider you his girlfriend? Well, yes, of course it’s suspicious. I thought you were officially together. If he isn’t committed to you then all his talk about faith and abstinence is just… well, talk. Exactly. So my feelings are valid. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 Was it his first time having sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 55 minutes ago, basil67 said: I'm really confused. He says he wants to get to know you better but you're concerned he's ghosting you. But both things can't be happening at the same time. How long has it been since he was in contact with you? As far as you being a 'heathen', if you believe in God then you're not a heathen. Unlike my family who have no god or spiritual beliefs and are the very definition of a bunch of heathens Again, I tend to overthink.. ALOT. We talk every day as mentioned and just got off the phone with him. I feel conflicted because you can’t really say youre a christian and not be all in. That’s why he wanted to stop having sex and do things “the right way”.. my fear is that i’m withholding myself and we never end up together long term lol. That’s certainly a possibility. Link to post Share on other sites
Goodguy05 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 2 hours ago, IslandGrl said: Hello everyone! Well… I’ve been dating this guy for a month now. Everything has been great. He is a strong believer in God which I love and just a pleasure to be around. We text throughout the day and talk 1-2 times a day on the phone. We’ve been on several dates in such a short time, got me a gift on my birthday and took me out. He always checks on me throughout the day and we always have something to talk about. So I think its safe to say he likes me.. but how much?.. I didn’t realize how deep he was into his faith until a few dates in. We were intimate a few times..and back to back 🥴yes I know.. Should have waited 😢..He asked me to promise him that when he came over this particular day we would refrain from sex. Of course that went out the window. Although it takes two to tango, I initiated it and we both felt guilty about it. He said he wanted to wait until marriage for spiritual reasons and that he felt it would be more special if we held off on that. In addition, he said removing sex and continuing to get to know each other will show if the connection is deeper than sex. Of course in my mind I was thinking “whos to say he’s going to actually marry me?”..and went into this rabbit hole of thinking something must be wrong with me. (I played it cool and vented to a friend about it) He told me to try not to overthink and that he wasn’t going anywhere. I felt like that was false reassurance because we’re still getting to know each other and anything can happen.. but I kept those thoughts to myself. I respected his decision and have also been working on my faith with God.. after all.. I’ve been praying for a Godly man to come into my life but didn’t think it would be this extreme.. or am I just a heathen? My concern is that he is using his faith to get away from me. The crazy thing is that nothing has actually changed. He wants to have a bible study one day which I don’t mind doing. He stated the other day that he felt weird and that its been really hard for him due to his attraction to me and prefers not to be in an enclosed space aka at each other homes as a preventative. He’s really serious about his faith and calling. But now I’m left worrying about the unknown. He just reached out as I’m typing this.. if he only knew LOL… Should I be concerned about anything??? Red flags? Thanks for reading my little rant. I find some things about Christianity like no sex before marriage strange but anyway, him being a male I find that odd too that he can abstain from the urge. I have male friends who are Christian and heavily into ithe religion and that rule went out the window right from the start. The main thing here is how do you feel about this? Are you compatible with your views on this because this is a big deal. You may not be compatible if you have different views on sex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 1 minute ago, IslandGrl said: That’s why he wanted to stop having sex and do things “the right way What's the right way? You will never use contraceptive, you will only have sex for procreation? You better ask a lot of questions. This man may end up being way too religious for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 He's dialing back on the sex because he wants to make sure there's a deeper connection between you two, beyond just physical intimacy. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to end things with you, nor marry you, just yet. I know it's weird when it's the male who wants to dial things back while the female is ready so to speak, but that's what's going on here. From the sound of it, you're the one that has upped the ante with each date and each night together like the month or so couple as in the midst of the honeymoon. This pacing is making it a little hard for him to figure out if his perception of you he has will last because his idea of a girlfriend isn't one who is so obviously ready to sleep with him it seems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 4 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said: I find some things about Christianity like no sex before marriage strange but anyway, him being a male I find that odd too that he can abstain from the urge. I have male friends who are Christian and heavily into ithe religion and that rule went out the window right from the start. The main thing here is how do you feel about this? Are you compatible with your views on this because this is a big deal. You may not be compatible if you have different views on sex. This is a VERY big deal because Ive been praying to meet a man who loves God. BUT i’ve always been used to people like myself who “loves God” yet fornicates.. He didn’t say it was easy and we havent actually been tempted again as this discussion happened few days ago. The first time we said we wouldnt and ended up doing it. But he seems more serious about it this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 5 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: He's dialing back on the sex because he wants to make sure there's a deeper connection between you two, beyond just physical intimacy. It doesn't necessarily mean he wants to end things with you, nor marry you, just yet. I know it's weird when it's the male who wants to dial things back while the female is ready so to speak, but that's what's going on here. From the sound of it, you're the one that has upped the ante with each date and each night together like the month or so couple as in the midst of the honeymoon. This pacing is making it a little hard for him to figure out if his perception of you he has will last because his idea of a girlfriend isn't one who is so obviously ready to sleep with him it seems. This is exactly what it is and guess what.. I’m going to fall back a teenie bit. We get a long reaaalllllyyyyyyyyy well. I don’t agree with everything he says by any means but everything is flowing as it should aside from the sex thing. He’s been doing a lot of things to prove himself. For example he’s fixed things in my home, keeps me posted on where he’s at, he stayed on the phone with me to show me he was with a male client for work, he accidentally left his phone at work one day and called me on instagram from his tablet and explained what had happened every detail. As corny as that is, the simple things matter to me. Any other guy would have called it a night and explained the following day. SO I feel like I’m a bit too excited.. not that I shouldnt be.. but I’m getting all in my head. I just wanna make sure he isn’t a walking red flag and not missing something. This is the most respectable man I’ve ever dated BUT the overthinker in me thinks he could be using his faith to manipulate me. Thankfully, I have not said anything crazy to him to push him away. I just vent to my friends to prevent that. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 3 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: I don’t agree with everything he says Don't ignore these. Those will come back and bite you. Was it his first time having sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 (edited) no lol 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Don't ignore these. Those will come back and bite you. Was it his first time having sex? No lol.. he’s been on this spiritual journey to get back right with God. it’s stupid stuff like for instance today we spoke about Halloween and he made a comment like Halloween is coming up and I suggest you don’t get into all of that because of XYNZ he went on this rant about whats in the Bible and the history of Halloween. I don’t agree with his idea of what Halloween is but then again I don’t celebrate it either. That’s not my favorite holiday. Edited October 4 by IslandGrl Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 Just now, IslandGrl said: no lol So....he had sex before, he had casual sex with you and all of a sudden he's a virgin again. How convenient. Looks like he wants to do things right sometimes and sometimes not. It's the new way of loving God. You need to get down from your cloud 9 and observe and ask questions. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 I appreciate everyone’s input by the way this really helps. I do have a question though. We just made it to a month of dating. When should I actually throw in the towel?? When is an appropriate time for him to ask me to be his gf? I get hes probably studying me and trying to see if i’m a good fit for him but it shouldn’t take that long for him to decide, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: So....he had sex before, he had casual sex with you and all of a sudden he's a virgin again. How convenient. Looks like he wants to do things right sometimes and sometimes not. It's the new way of loving God. You need to get down from your cloud 9 and observe and ask questions. Youre right. What questions would you ask?? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 Just now, IslandGrl said: Youre right. What questions would you ask?? You need to have a good image of how religious he wants to lead his life and if this will interfere with your freedom of making your own choices. How long he wants to date before marrying. Is he against contraceptive, how many children he wants, does he beleive in equal power between men and women or he'll consider himself above you. Is he religious to the point of seeing sins in everything. You may think not celebrating halloween is ok but one day you'll have children and all the kids in the class will be in costums on that day but not yours, all the kids will go collect candies but not yours. When you want to attend a halloween party with your colleagues will it become a big fight. Etc etc etc 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 (edited) 29 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: he made a comment like Halloween is coming up and I suggest you don’t get into all of that because He's telling you what to think. It's one thing for him to have his personal beliefs, but he has no business telling you what to believe - Red Flag Edited October 4 by basil67 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 21 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: When should I actually throw in the towel?? If/when you decide that he's not right for you. Could be tomorrow ....could be never....or anywhere inbetween 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 40 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: keeps me posted on where he’s at, he stayed on the phone with me to show me he was with a male client for work Here's another red flag ^ You say it's corny, but I think he's going to expect you to be on the phone with him whenever you go out so that he knows exactly what you're doing and who you're with. He's got no space for trust Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 1 hour ago, IslandGrl said: Again, I tend to overthink.. ALOT. We talk every day as mentioned and just got off the phone with him. I feel conflicted because you can’t really say youre a christian and not be all in. That’s why he wanted to stop having sex and do things “the right way”.. my fear is that i’m withholding myself and we never end up together long term lol. That’s certainly a possibility. Did you ask him why he had sex with you before he committed to be your boyfriend? That isn’t very Christian. I mean, I’d totally understand if he were a very liberal Christian and he’d be okay with casual sex. That is possible. What’s strange is that after being so liberal with having sex with you without commitment he suddenly becomes ultra-conservatives and is willing to abstain from sex before marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: Here's another red flag ^ You say it's corny, but I think he's going to expect you to be on the phone with him whenever you go out so that he knows exactly what you're doing and who you're with. He's got no space for trust Yep! It's one of those things we find endearing at first then we become prisoner of it ourselves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 9 minutes ago, basil67 said: Here's another red flag ^ You say it's corny, but I think he's going to expect you to be on the phone with him whenever you go out so that he knows exactly what you're doing and who you're with. He's got no space for trust The only thing I’ve done so far is tell him when I arrived at a venue, when I’m leaving and when I get home safely. Is that bad? How would you build trust with a potential partner? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts