Any red flags? UPDATED

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

I certainly dodged a bullet but it did put a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to christian men

This man isn’t Christian. Christians don’t follow such cults and don’t recognize such charlatan “prophets” and their teachings.

Not to say that there are no gullible, stupid, or plainly evil Christian men, unfortunately there are, but he isn’t one of them.

 

2 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

I know what I deserve and it is just not finding me.

 

What do you think you deserve?

[Interstellar]

On 10/3/2024 at 9:15 PM, IslandGrl said:

He’s not my boyfriend, yet…we just started dating hence why I have some reservations. I like him a lot and willing to be on board. I’m just a big overthinker and thought he was using his faith to slowly ghost me. All I can do is take his word until his actions don’t align. Is it really forcing myself if i’m only interested in him right now? I dont want to have sex with a random person for gratification and have nothing else in common or real connection with them. But I can see what youre saying. 

Well, stop tempting him in that way you won’t have to go to this really, really hot place called hell.

[HazelBliss]

3 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

This man isn’t Christian. Christians don’t follow such cults and don’t recognize such charlatan “prophets” and their teachings.

Not to say that there are no gullible, stupid, or plainly evil Christian men, unfortunately there are, but he isn’t one of them.

 

What do you think you deserve?

I went down this rabbit hole looking up cults and cult like churches and they really do prey on desperate people. I questioned my ex and he said this man backs everything with scripture. Of course he does.. People like him twist and distort the scripture and the gullible believe it. He was so worried about helping the poor, visiting the sick in the hospital, and doing good deeds and I remember reading that cults teach salvation through works. He does not believe he is in a cult. When he went to Ghana I saw him in the crowd on youtube. The "church" streamed the 2 week retreat and saw him in the crowd when the man asked the congregation to stand. The people around him looked impoverished and there was ALOOOTTTTTTTT of people there. It was held outdoors in an arena-like space. 

I deserve honesty and trust. I also deserve to be with someone who shares the same belief. I deserve a peaceful relationship...and to be with someone who knows how to handle conflict. I deserve love and support..respect. These are basic qualities yet hard to come by.. for me at least. I have all this love to give and no one worth giving it to. I come across nothing but atheists and agnostics.. I'm willing to compromise on things but my faith isn't one of them. Our break up wasn't hostile.. but my blood was boiling on the inside because he thinks sounding respectful makes him a good man when his actions were not. He could've laid everything out from the beginning. It was all love bombing and manipulation. I deserve a good man.. not a man who pretends to be a good man. 

[HazelBliss]

1 hour ago, Interstellar said:

Well, stop tempting him in that way you won’t have to go to this really, really hot place called hell.

Old news. read the update.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

I have all this love to give and no one worth giving it to.

That’s a very strange and off-putting thing to say. We don’t “have love to give”, we either love or don’t love concrete people. The love that you might give to that concrete person isn’t your achievement or something to be proud about, it’s just there. It’s not some sort of a gift that you bestow upon the “worthy”. 
 

1 hour ago, HazelBliss said:

I come across nothing but atheists and agnostics

What do you mean “nothing but”? There are many wonderful people among atheists and agnostics. Being with an attractive, interesting, mature, caring atheist is much better than being with a dull, insecure, selfish Christian. Don’t discard good dating prospects on account of one’s intellectual convictions.

 

[HazelBliss]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

That’s a very strange and off-putting thing to say. We don’t “have love to give”, we either love or don’t love concrete people. The love that you might give to that concrete person isn’t your achievement or something to be proud about, it’s just there. It’s not some sort of a gift that you bestow upon the “worthy”. 
 

What do you mean “nothing but”? There are many wonderful people among atheists and agnostics. Being with an attractive, interesting, mature, caring atheist is much better than being with a dull, insecure, selfish Christian. Don’t discard good dating prospects on account of one’s intellectual convictions.

 

Sorry you took it that way but a lot of people have fallen in love and I haven't. There are different types of "love" with your parents, children, and your spouses. I love my parents and my daughter. Never been in love or experienced REAL romantic love with a partner and that's what I want. Don't know how else to explain it.

I obviously don't want to be with a selfish christian. You have deal breakers right? I respect all people but in terms of my partner, I WANT to be with someone who shares the same faith and principles as me. Is that too much to ask? And it's not like I am holier than thou.. I want to grow in faith with my partner, the foundation should be there. I will never be with an atheist. If that is what I want, why should I settle for that?. I never said the man has to be 6 feet, be model status, make a million dollars and have other supercial things. This one thing is important to me and I shouldn't have to settle for that.

Edited February 23 by HazelBliss

[basil67]

12 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

I deserve honesty and trust. I also deserve to be with someone who shares the same belief. I deserve a peaceful relationship...and to be with someone who knows how to handle conflict. I deserve love and support..respect.

You are not deserving nor undeserving of anything, not because you are unworthy, but because being deserving of something doesn't exist. It's a human narrative. Suffering is random and happens to anyone despite being a good or bad person. That's life. It's when we refuse to accept reality that we suffer more than we already do.

These are not my own words, but I think you would do well to think this through further.  In life, bad stuff happens to good people.  Or good people can make choices which mean they don't get treated as they ought to be treated.   That you are a good person doesn't mean that you get the things you want/need in a relationship.   When we get good things coming our way, it's generally a combination of good luck and good choices.  It's not because we deserve it

3 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

I WANT to be with someone who shares the same faith and principles as me. Is that too much to ask?

No, it's not too much to ask.  But having a goal of getting a thing doesn't mean it will be delivered. 

12 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

I come across nothing but atheists and agnostics

This is going to be a weird question, but does the census data for your area reflect this phenomenon?  I'm wondering if you should be living somewhere where folks are much more religious.   Or is it that the religious men got married young and there's not many on the market

Edited February 23 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

Never been in love or experienced REAL romantic love with a partner and that's what I want.

But you just said you had a lot of love to give, but everyone you loved turned out to be “unworthy”. That’s how I understood it. And now you’re saying you’ve never been in love? If so, then there is even less reason to see the problem in someone’s “unworthiness”.

 

6 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

You have deal breakers right?

Absolutely. It’s just that my life experience has shown that labels (“Christian”, “atheist”, etc.) normally mean much less than people think they do, and tell us only very little about the person in question and their true values. I’ve seen atheists who had great compassion to their fellow creatures, and Christians that were utterly cruel. Being a Christian myself, I simply can’t consider the Christianity of those people as something I can accept in my life partner. But if my life partner is kind, merciful, understanding, tolerant, then what does it matter if she holds the intellectual view that there is no God? Isn’t an atheist who imitates Christ more Christian than a Christian who doesn’t?

[HazelBliss]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

But you just said you had a lot of love to give, but everyone you loved turned out to be “unworthy”. That’s how I understood it. And now you’re saying you’ve never been in love? If so, then there is even less reason to see the problem in someone’s “unworthiness”.

 

Absolutely. It’s just that my life experience has shown that labels (“Christian”, “atheist”, etc.) normally mean much less than people think they do, and tell us only very little about the person in question and their true values. I’ve seen atheists who had great compassion to their fellow creatures, and Christians that were utterly cruel. Being a Christian myself, I simply can’t consider the Christianity of those people as something I can accept in my life partner. But if my life partner is kind, merciful, understanding, tolerant, then what does it matter if she holds the intellectual view that there is no God? Isn’t an atheist who imitates Christ more Christian than a Christian who doesn’t?

Because it’s important to me? Ive come across mean atheists and mean “christians”.. Atheists who spent their time challenging me about why God doesn’t exist and christians who were extreme bible thumpers. There are too many people in this world for me to settle for an atheist. I didn’t settle for an extremist christian I will not be settling for an atheist. If its not my time to meet my person then so be it. As I stated, I am seeing a therapist and focusing on  myself right now. 

 

[HazelBliss]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

No, it's not too much to ask.  But having a goal of getting a thing doesn't mean it will be delivered. 

 

This is going to be a weird question, but does the census data for your area reflect this phenomenon?  I'm wondering if you should be living somewhere where folks are much more religious.   Or is it that the religious men got married young and there's not many on the market

I mean.. I’m not looking for perfection.. and I’m not looking for someone to be overly religious. My mother is pentecostal and married my father who was catholic. They made it work because they shared similar beliefs and he was an overall good human. I am nondenominational.. I don’t subscribe to all the different sectors. All I want is someone to be on the same page as me spiritually. If I die alone then I guess that is what will be. At this point I’d rather be alone than miserable. Idk about the data.. I just know this is the worst time in history to date. But I am also in therapy for my overall mental health and to tackle some things that need correcting. I could very well be the problem and attracting the wrong people. 
 

 

[Gebidozo]

33 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

Because it’s important to me? Ive come across mean atheists and mean “christians”.. Atheists who spent their time challenging me about why God doesn’t exist and christians who were extreme bible thumpers. There are too many people in this world for me to settle for an atheist. I didn’t settle for an extremist christian I will not be settling for an atheist. If its not my time to meet my person then so be it. As I stated, I am seeing a therapist and focusing on  myself right now. 

 

Sure, I completely understand that you don’t want to settle for someone who has incompatible values. I’m just saying that you might just find a person with compatible values among atheists. It’s not uncommon.

 

[basil67]

7 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

I mean.. I’m not looking for perfection.. and I’m not looking for someone to be overly religious. My mother is pentecostal and married my father who was catholic. They made it work because they shared similar beliefs and he was an overall good human. I am nondenominational.. I don’t subscribe to all the different sectors. All I want is someone to be on the same page as me spiritually. If I die alone then I guess that is what will be. At this point I’d rather be alone than miserable. Idk about the data.. I just know this is the worst time in history to date. But I am also in therapy for my overall mental health and to tackle some things that need correcting. I could very well be the problem and attracting the wrong people. 

You've got your whole life infront of you yet, hang in there.  

Do you think your mental health issues are affecting your dating choices?  Have you talked about it with your therapist?

[HazelBliss]

16 hours ago, basil67 said:

You've got your whole life infront of you yet, hang in there.  

Do you think your mental health issues are affecting your dating choices?  Have you talked about it with your therapist?

Whole life?? I am almost 40 with nothing to show for relationship wise.. I don't stay in mess for long, that's for sure.. but I notice I tend to attract men who are very kind in the beginning and then they love bomb me.. when they realize I have low tolerance for certain things, they switch up. They aren't Mr. Nice guys after all. I am attracting men who expect women to suffer and then reward them with commitment. They want women to prove themselves meanwhile they give just enough to keep you around. I attract predators. I can be very reserved and quiet at times and I am thinking they perceive me as someone they can control and manipulate... until they see I have a voice. These are my observations over the years. The only thing I am aware of about myself is that I am an overthinker.. but overthinking can be good and bad. A lot of times it's intuition. As far as my mental health I cannot give a clear answer, I am still figuring things out. I don't carry myself as troubled person. So far, the therapist asked me to take baby steps to go out by myself and put myself out there and do activities I like. I rarely get out the house unless I run errands or I have visitors in town. 

[Gebidozo]

18 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

Whole life?? I am almost 40 with nothing to show for relationship wise.. 

Still very young. I’m pushing 50, have 3 divorces and all sorts of mental issues behind me. Got into the best relationship of my life only 2 years ago. Don’t lose hope.

 

19 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

I notice I tend to attract men who are very kind in the beginning and then they love bomb me.. when they realize I have low tolerance for certain things, they switch up. They aren't Mr. Nice guys after all. I am attracting men who expect women to suffer and then reward them with commitment. They want women to prove themselves meanwhile they give just enough to keep you around. I attract predators. I can be very reserved and quiet at times and I am thinking they perceive me as someone they can control and manipulate... until they see I have a voice.

Unfortunately, what you’re describing is the character of many men in general. Way too many men. The notion of viewing women as objects one can manipulate, obtain, and control has been deeply ingrained into our minds by certain social and cultural trends. I say that with great shame. I used to be much like that as well, and probably still haven’t gotten this patriarchal poison 100% out of my system.

My only advice to you here is to make sure as early as possible that the man you meet and like won’t turn into a controlling monster. You can do that by asserting your independence right away and above all not rushing into anything too serious (living together, getting married, etc.), before the man in question passes the test and earns your trust and respect.

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

I tend to attract men who are very kind in the beginning and then they love bomb me

If this is a pattern, then it is your picker that is off.  You are drawn to these men so you notice them and don't see the warning signs.

Have you considered counseling to help you identify and change your patterns? 

[stillafool]

11 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

but I notice I tend to attract men

 

11 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

I am attracting men

 

11 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

I attract predators.

No, it isn't the men you attract.  It's you who are attracted to these types of men.  You need to change your picker and seek therapy as to why you are attracted to these types of men.  All women get approached by these types but they know these aren't the type of men they want so they don't get involved with them.  You do and there lies your trouble.

[HazelBliss]

5 hours ago, introverted1 said:

If this is a pattern, then it is your picker that is off.  You are drawn to these men so you notice them and don't see the warning signs.

Have you considered counseling to help you identify and change your patterns? 

Yes I am in therapy now. I just started and only on session 3. 

[HazelBliss]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

 

 

No, it isn't the men you attract.  It's you who are attracted to these types of men.  You need to change your picker and seek therapy as to why you are attracted to these types of men.  All women get approached by these types but they know these aren't the type of men they want so they don't get involved with them.  You do and there lies your trouble.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. I’m attracted to their representative. It’s when they cannot keep up their facade I see the red flags and remove myself. I don’t chase men. I turn down the obvious douche bags. But men will play the role to serve THEIR purpose.. but they can only wear a mask for so long. I take pride in who enters my life. I give a bit of grace to make sure I’m making the right choice but one thing I can say confidently about myself is when things get weird, inconsistent, or if I was lied to I leave.

Edited February 25 by HazelBliss

[HazelBliss]

13 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

Still very young. I’m pushing 50, have 3 divorces and all sorts of mental issues behind me. Got into the best relationship of my life only 2 years ago. Don’t lose hope.

 

Unfortunately, what you’re describing is the character of many men in general. Way too many men. The notion of viewing women as objects one can manipulate, obtain, and control has been deeply ingrained into our minds by certain social and cultural trends. I say that with great shame. I used to be much like that as well, and probably still haven’t gotten this patriarchal poison 100% out of my system.

My only advice to you here is to make sure as early as possible that the man you meet and like won’t turn into a controlling monster. You can do that by asserting your independence right away and above all not rushing into anything too serious (living together, getting married, etc.), before the man in question passes the test and earns your trust and respect.

Thanks for your input. how can you tell if a man’s intentions are not genuine when he is treating a woman as a long term prospect? The red flags aren’t always in your face or are they? What are subtle red flags to look out for? Could it be me? I’m struggling big time and have no desire to be with a man right now. Its a weird feeling. 

[NuevoYorko]

19 minutes ago, HazelBliss said:

I’m struggling big time and have no desire to be with a man right now. Its a weird feeling. 

Well, that's probably what you should be going with, for a while.  Just move on from this rabbit hole and concentrate on other parts of your life.  What brings you joy, peace, inspiration?  Even for a bit of time;  they don't have to be earth-shattering passions.  Spend your energy making sure you are honoring those things and prioritizing them in your day to day life.  Take notice when you do not.  

Give your brain a rest from thinking about men, their intentions, etc.  

[basil67]

3 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

What are subtle red flags to look out for?

Start by acting when you see big red flags.   You sensibly felt concern and asked for advice about the guy this topic is about when you'd only been dating a month.  But you ignored our comments that a lot of what he was saying/doing didn't make sense.   Of course, this is your prerogative, but you did receive terrible consequences for not leaving him early on.

Quote

Could it be me? I’m struggling big time and have no desire to be with a man right now. Its a weird feeling. 

Given your list of all the terrible men you've seen, it could well be that you're not walking away quickly enough.   And while I respect that you want a Christian man, make sure to always remember that identifying as a Christian doesn't mean that one is a Christian or that you will agree with their practices and beliefs.  Some Christians truly live as Jesus would have wished, while others have practices which are the antithesis of that.  (Exclusionary, racist, collecting wealth, lacking in humility, judging those who don't share their beliefs, etc)

Take some time out.  You say you're a homebody, so do you have hobbies and interests which you could indulge in for a while?

 

Edited February 25 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, HazelBliss said:

how can you tell if a man’s intentions are not genuine when he is treating a woman as a long term prospect?

What are “genuine intentions”? The terms sounds very vague. Same with “long term prospect”. I thought that was a given anyway and the problem with those men wasn’t that they didn’t want a LTR, but that they were controlling and disrespectful of you. Such tendencies often manifest themselves in excessive enthusiasm for the relationship, too many big, important words, rushing into things, making big plans (even verbally) without asking your opinion, always assuming that your opinion is the same as theirs, having low tolerance for disagreement, and so on, and so forth. There are plenty of little red flags, you just need to learn to recognize them.

 

[HazelBliss]

On 2/25/2025 at 4:00 PM, basil67 said:

Start by acting when you see big red flags.   You sensibly felt concern and asked for advice about the guy this topic is about when you'd only been dating a month.  But you ignored our comments that a lot of what he was saying/doing didn't make sense.   Of course, this is your prerogative, but you did receive terrible consequences for not leaving him early on.

Given your list of all the terrible men you've seen, it could well be that you're not walking away quickly enough.   And while I respect that you want a Christian man, make sure to always remember that identifying as a Christian doesn't mean that one is a Christian or that you will agree with their practices and beliefs.  Some Christians truly live as Jesus would have wished, while others have practices which are the antithesis of that.  (Exclusionary, racist, collecting wealth, lacking in humility, judging those who don't share their beliefs, etc)

Take some time out.  You say you're a homebody, so do you have hobbies and interests which you could indulge in for a while?

 

 

22 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

What are “genuine intentions”? The terms sounds very vague. Same with “long term prospect”. I thought that was a given anyway and the problem with those men wasn’t that they didn’t want a LTR, but that they were controlling and disrespectful of you. Such tendencies often manifest themselves in excessive enthusiasm for the relationship, too many big, important words, rushing into things, making big plans (even verbally) without asking your opinion, always assuming that your opinion is the same as theirs, having low tolerance for disagreement, and so on, and so forth. There are plenty of little red flags, you just need to learn to recognize them.

 

Thanks. I am good on men for right now.