Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 23 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You need to have a good image of how religious he wants to lead his life and if this will interfere with your freedom of making your own choices. How long he wants to date before marrying. Is he against contraceptive, how many children he wants, does he beleive in equal power between men and women or he'll consider himself above you. Is he religious to the point of seeing sins in everything. You may think not celebrating halloween is ok but one day you'll have children and all the kids in the class will be in costums on that day but not yours, all the kids will go collect candies but not yours. When you want to attend a halloween party with your colleagues will it become a big fight. Etc etc etc Great points. The only thing I said two weeks ago was “you’ll know where we stand in a few months, right?” 🤦♀️ and he said yes. I’m terrible. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 1 hour ago, IslandGrl said: This is a VERY big deal because Ive been praying to meet a man who loves God. BUT i’ve always been used to people like myself who “loves God” yet fornicates.. Haha, I like the way you phrase this, “loves God yet fornicates”. I could use it as my signature😊 On a serious note, my life experience has shown me that there is a huge variety of ideals, norms, beliefs, behaviors, and characters that fall under the umbrella term “Christian”. A person can describe himself as Christian and be anything ranging from a morbid, violent, pleasure-hating ultra-conservative fanatic to a tolerant, liberally minded, flexible, understanding person. One thing is certain, it’s better to stay away from Christians who think their Christianity is the only right one and everyone who disagrees is a heretic or a heathen or an unbeliever or whatnot. So it’s completely okay if you define yourself as a God-loving fornicator. Just bear in mind that it doesn’t mean that all other Christians will agree with you. And try to find someone who would be on the same page as you in these matters. Also, there are many gradations within that attitude as well. For example, some would be okay having sex before marriage within a committed relationship, but not okay with casual sex. Make sure you discuss these things and come to an agreement before there is confusion and misunderstanding. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 19 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Did you ask him why he had sex with you before he committed to be your boyfriend? That isn’t very Christian. I mean, I’d totally understand if he were a very liberal Christian and he’d be okay with casual sex. That is possible. What’s strange is that after being so liberal with having sex with you without commitment he suddenly becomes ultra-conservatives and is willing to abstain from sex before marriage. We both knew it was wrong and fell into temptation. I can’t sit here and say it may not happen again as we are imperfect creatures and we literally tried not to do it and it still happened.. the problem according to him is knowing an act is wrong and doing it anyway. So there’s a bit of conviction there. We also haven’t seen each other in a few days so its probably easy for him right now to stand on what he saying. I respect his decision right now but its super hard. We haven’t made not one sexual remark in a few days. Talked for 1-2 hours with no mention of sex on either end. I like him enough to see where things go but I do have a time limit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 6 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Haha, I like the way you phrase this, “loves God yet fornicates”. I could use it as my signature😊 On a serious note, my life experience has shown me that there is a huge variety of ideals, norms, beliefs, behaviors, and characters that fall under the umbrella term “Christian”. A person can describe himself as Christian and be anything ranging from a morbid, violent, pleasure-hating ultra-conservative fanatic to a tolerant, liberally minded, flexible, understanding person. One thing is certain, it’s better to stay away from Christians who think their Christianity is the only right one and everyone who disagrees is a heretic or a heathen or an unbeliever or whatnot. So it’s completely okay if you define yourself as a God-loving fornicator. Just bear in mind that it doesn’t mean that all other Christians will agree with you. And try to find someone who would be on the same page as you in these matters. Also, there are many gradations within that attitude as well. For example, some would be okay having sex before marriage within a committed relationship, but not okay with casual sex. Make sure you discuss these things and come to an agreement before there is confusion and misunderstanding. Well said, thanks for the input. I’m so over this stage of dating. Its too much and i’ve never been good at it. I’m severely introverted and finally able to be myself around this guy but of course theres a flippin catch. if its not one thing it’s another Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 32 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: The only thing I’ve done so far is tell him when I arrived at a venue, when I’m leaving and when I get home safely. Is that bad? How would you build trust with a potential partner? Did he ask you to do this? If so, keeping tabs on you is another red flag. You should be able to go about your day without telling him of each movement from place to place. The only concession I'd make is to send an "arrived safely" when I reached a destination after driving all day. Or if I was in treacherous weather conditions. You don't build trust in a partner. Instead, you should expect to be trusted unless you give them good reason not to 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 13 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: We both knew it was wrong and fell into temptation. I can’t sit here and say it may not happen again as we are imperfect creatures and we literally tried not to do it and it still happened.. the problem according to him is knowing an act is wrong and doing it anyway. So there’s a bit of conviction there. We also haven’t seen each other in a few days so its probably easy for him right now to stand on what he saying. I respect his decision right now but its super hard. We haven’t made not one sexual remark in a few days. Talked for 1-2 hours with no mention of sex on either end. I like him enough to see where things go but I do have a time limit. What's the point in abstaining in the future if you've already done the deed? You can't unring a bell 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 19 minutes ago, basil67 said: Did he ask you to do this? If so, keeping tabs on you is another red flag. You should be able to go about your day without telling him of each movement from place to place. The only concession I'd make is to send an "arrived safely" when I reached a destination after driving all day. Or if I was in treacherous weather conditions. You don't build trust in a partner. Instead, you should expect to be trusted unless you give them good reason not to No, I felt it was appropriate because it was late. Also, the incident I mentioned where he stayed on the phone. He stayed on the phone until he got to his destination and let me hear his male colleague that was in the background. We weren’t on the phone the entire time just to clarify. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 (edited) 28 minutes ago, basil67 said: What's the point in abstaining in the future if you've already done the deed? You can't unring a bell He said he thought it would be more special after marriage🤷♀️ I don’t think he’s trying to be a virgin again lol. He basically feels convicted about committing the same act over and over again knowing its wrong. That’s all I can really tell you. And only time will tell if he’s being genuine or not 😕 Edited October 4 by IslandGrl Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 (edited) 8 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: He said he thought it would be more special after marriage🤷♀️ I don’t think he’s trying to be a virgin again lol. He basically feels convicted about committing the same act over and over again knowing its wrong. That’s all I can really tell you. And only time will tell if he’s being genuine or not 😕 What are you referring to in the bolded? Edited October 4 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 2 minutes ago, basil67 said: What are you referring to in the bolded? His reasoning for wanting to abstain from sex until marriage. He explained himself and tried to reassure me but only time will tell if everything he said was real, and if he actually sees me long term. Right now we’re exclusive but in no relationship yet. I’m not going to pressure him after a month either.. So I guess we shall see.. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 (edited) 10 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: His reasoning for wanting to abstain from sex until marriage. He explained himself and tried to reassure me but only time will tell if everything he said was real, and if he actually sees me long term. Right now we’re exclusive but in no relationship yet. I’m not going to pressure him after a month either.. So I guess we shall see.. You've only been together for a month! You're not in a relationship but concerned as to whether he actually sees you long term? This is nuts! I get that marriage would be discussed in the abstract because it pertains to sex. But it's far to early to be talking about or hoping for long term I'm starting to think this whole situation is one giant red flag, and it's not all him. The overthinking on your end is also a red flag. Edited October 4 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 (edited) OP, shouldn't you also be assessing this man to figure out whether he is right for you? In some of your statements, you sound like you have decided he's the one and are impatiently waiting for him to choose you. But there already seem to be noteworthy incompatibilities between you. I think you should be glad that you're no longer having sex because that makes it easier for you to take a step back and consider whether you two are a good match. In connection to this, I think you need to take some time to figure out for yourself, independently of this dating situation, how you want your faith to play a role in your life. He seems to know what he wants. I think, in an ideal world, he should be able to see how you want to live your faith so that he can see for himself whether you two would be able to make a life together. Edited October 4 by Acacia98 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 1 hour ago, IslandGrl said: His reasoning for wanting to abstain from sex until marriage. He explained himself and tried to reassure me but only time will tell if everything he said was real, and if he actually sees me long term. Right now we’re exclusive but in no relationship yet. I’m not going to pressure him after a month either.. So I guess we shall see.. You've only been together for a month. It's far too early to be even considering if marriage is in your future yet! I understand that discussion of marriage is there because it pertains to sex, but long term discussions are ridiculous at this point. Further, I didn't realise that you're not even in a relationship yet. This guy who preaches Christianity and chastity just had sex with you (twice!) and you're not even in a relationship yet. I'd take him seriously if you were engaged and struggling to wait for marriage, but this guy is full of BS. All talk of what he should do and no follow up 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 4 hours ago, basil67 said: You've only been together for a month! You're not in a relationship but concerned as to whether he actually sees you long term? This is nuts! I get that marriage would be discussed in the abstract because it pertains to sex. But it's far to early to be talking about or hoping for long term I'm starting to think this whole situation is one giant red flag, and it's not all him. The overthinking on your end is also a red flag. Huh? You seem very negative and blowing things out of proportion. Someone tells me they want to wait until marriage which is a long term decision, and I shouldnt be concerned if they would even see me long term? I date with a purpose and I didn’t say I would marry anyone after a month.. so I think you need to pipe down. No disrespect. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 6 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: Someone tells me they want to wait until marriage which is a long term decision, and I shouldnt be concerned if they would even see me long term? But that someone isn’t even in a relationship with you. What are his talks of marriage even worth if he hasn’t been able to commit to you yet? He had sex with you and he still doesn’t call himself your boyfriend. Don’t you think he should do that before anything else? Before you are committed to each other, before you become boyfriend and girlfriend, any discussion of a long-term relationship, let alone marriage, is meaningless. Start dating exclusively first, become a couple. Then, after some time has passed, you’ll see whether a long-term relationship is possible and desirable. And only then, after that long-term relationship has stood the test of time, you can discuss marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 3 hours ago, Acacia98 said: OP, shouldn't you also be assessing this man to figure out whether he is right for you? In some of your statements, you sound like you have decided he's the one and are impatiently waiting for him to choose you. But there already seem to be noteworthy incompatibilities between you. I think you should be glad that you're no longer having sex because that makes it easier for you to take a step back and consider whether you two are a good match. In connection to this, I think you need to take some time to figure out for yourself, independently of this dating situation, how you want your faith to play a role in your life. He seems to know what he wants. I think, in an ideal world, he should be able to see how you want to live your faith so that he can see for himself whether you two would be able to make a life together. I ammmm LOL. I can’t type every single detail on here. He’s a great guy. The only thing I’m questioning is abstaining from sex. Everything else is pretty darn good and as I stated in the posts..nothing else has really changed except were trying Not to have sex and leave sex out of it as we continue to get to know each other. We have a lot in common and get along well. what noteworthy incompatibilities are you referring to?? My faith is also important to me so this whole situation is also having me question how deep my own relationship with God is. As far as thinking he’s the one, I don’t know that yet but he’s def a good prospect. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 2 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Start dating exclusively first, become a couple. Then, after some time has passed, you’ll see whether a long-term relationship is possible and desirable. And only then, after that long-term relationship has stood the test of time, you can discuss marriage. Thats actually the goal here. We’re dating exclusively right now. We had a little hiccup and trying to get back on track and get to know each other more to see if it’s deeper than sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 7 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: what noteworthy incompatibilities are you referring to? What do you mean? In your OP you’re questioning his motives for suddenly abstaining from sex after having had it. You doubt whether he is using that abstinence to avoid getting into a relationship with you. Even assuming that his motives are honest and he is interested in a relationship with you, you describe yourself as someone who “loves God and fornicates”, while he appears to see those things as mutually exclusive. These are all noteworthy incompatibilities, aren’t they? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 4 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: Thats actually the goal here. We’re dating exclusively right now. We had a little hiccup and trying to get back on track and get to know each other more to see if it’s deeper than sex. Sorry, I’m confused again. So you are a couple? On the first page of this thread you told me you were not. Which is it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: What do you mean? In your OP you’re questioning his motives for suddenly abstaining from sex after having had it. You doubt whether he is using that abstinence to avoid getting into a relationship with you. Even assuming that his motives are honest and he is interested in a relationship with you, you describe yourself as someone who “loves God and fornicates”, while he appears to see those things as mutually exclusive. These are all noteworthy incompatibilities, aren’t they? Questioning someone’s motive isn’t an incompatibility 😂… theyre concerns lol… Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 9 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: We had a little hiccup and trying to get back on track and get to know each other more to see if it’s deeper than sex. Why it is necessary to abstain from sex that you have already had in order to find out whether you suit each other in other aspects of a relationship is hard to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Sorry, I’m confused again. So you are a couple? On the first page of this thread you told me you were not. Which is it? Now I’m confused..You literally said date exclusively, THEN BE A COUPLE (which is a relationship) then think about long term stuff when time passes. As of now, we are dating exclusively. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 1 minute ago, IslandGrl said: Questioning someone’s motive isn’t an incompatibility 😂… theyre concerns lol… Are you saying that a potential partner whom you suspect of using religion in order to justify his lack of desire to have a relationship with you is compatible with your vision of a romantic connection? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 3 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Why it is necessary to abstain from sex that you have already had in order to find out whether you suit each other in other aspects of a relationship is hard to understand. Sex can overshadow real chemistry. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 1 minute ago, IslandGrl said: Now I’m confused..You literally said date exclusively, THEN BE A COUPLE (which is a relationship) then think about long term stuff when time passes. No. This is what I literally said: 25 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Start dating exclusively first, become a couple. Then, after some time has passed, you’ll see whether a long-term relationship is possible and desirable. Start dating exclusively first = become a couple. You keep saying you aren’t a couple yet, he isn’t your boyfriend. Then you say you are dating exclusively. Which makes you a de facto couple, right? Link to post Share on other sites
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