Gebidozo Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 2 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: Sex can overshadow real chemistry. How can that be? Real chemistry includes sexual chemistry. Otherwise it wouldn’t be romantic chemistry, it would be just chemistry between friends. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 (edited) 46 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: Huh? You seem very negative and blowing things out of proportion. Someone tells me they want to wait until marriage which is a long term decision, and I shouldnt be concerned if they would even see me long term? I date with a purpose and I didn’t say I would marry anyone after a month.. so I think you need to pipe down. No disrespect. Whether or not he sees you as a long term option depends on your compatibility. And recognising compatibility can only happen after you've spent a significant amount of time together....if you're at the point where you're no longer on your best behaviour and still love each other warts and all I am old. I have been with my partner for 30 odd years.....I know how this works Edited October 4 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 9 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: Are you saying that a potential partner whom you suspect of using religion in order to justify his lack of desire to have a relationship with you is compatible with your vision of a romantic connection? my vision of a romantic connection doesnt HAVE to include sex. Im just hoping he’s being genuine and only time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 4 minutes ago, basil67 said: Whether or not he sees you as a long term option depends on your compatibility. And recognising compatibility can only happen after you've spent a significant amount of time together....if you're at the point where you're no longer on your best behaviour and still love each other warts and all I am old. I have been with my partner for 30 odd years.....I know how this works Agreed. I guess I need to slow down and enjoy the process and figure out if we’re right for each other. I get in my head way too much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 14 minutes ago, Gebidozo said: No. This is what I literally said: Start dating exclusively first = become a couple. You keep saying you aren’t a couple yet, he isn’t your boyfriend. Then you say you are dating exclusively. Which makes you a de facto couple, right? Dating exclusively doesnt mean there is a bf/gf title. Thats not couple status.. Its potentially leading to that but not quite there yet. We might be of a different generation lol I’m assuming. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 32 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: Agreed. I guess I need to slow down and enjoy the process and figure out if we’re right for each other. I get in my head way too much. You should put your hope in finding a compatible partner, not put your hope in a guy you've just dated 1 month. You need to be on observation mode to make a good judgement call on him. Right now you sound a bit infatuated and ready to ignore red flags. When l was dating l assumed the man could up and go with no warning until 3-6 months dating. It happenned l dated a lovely man 3 months to then discovered he was hoping to take advantage of me financially. Another lovely man l dated disappeared after 6 months dating without a word. All this to tell you that at 1 month you should be on your guards, not dreaming of wedding guests. Also history tends to repeat, what's this guy relationship history? He just returned to his faith? What if it doesn't last. He reminds me of someone going on a diet and and only eating rabbit food, that never last right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: You should put your hope in finding a compatible partner, not put your hope in a guy you've just dated 1 month. You need to be on observation mode to make a good judgement call on him. Right now you sound a bit infatuated and ready to ignore red flags. When l was dating l assumed the man could up and go with no warning until 3-6 months dating. It happenned l dated a lovely man 3 months to then discovered he was hoping to take advantage of me financially. Another lovely man l dated disappeared after 6 months dating without a word. All this to tell you that at 1 month you should be on your guards, not dreaming of wedding guests. Also history tends to repeat, what's this guy relationship history? He just returned to his faith? What if it doesn't last. He reminds me of someone going on a diet and and only eating rabbit food, that never last right? He didn’t return to his faith per say.. He’s trying to do things the right way this time around for a better outcome. I am infatuated but I’m not completely stupid and do have a time limit. He hasn’t necessarily done anything wrong… yet. When it comes to faith God is the center… in everything. I realize now after these posts that I have to decenter man. His salvation is a priority as it should be. I’m venting on here because I know how I am and probably have that anxious-attachment style. I haven’t pressured him about anything as its still early and to be fair still getting to know each other so I do need to simmer down and observe. This is the best dating experience i’ve had aside from the abrupt change in the physical part. He’s so sweet and respectful, caring, considerate.. His character is top notch. I don’t meet a lot of men like him. and there hasn’t been a day we did not communicate. but of course the overthinker in me tries to find things or think the worst to prepare myself as a defense mechanism if that makes sense. But I’m going to get it together and relax. I’ve never been stuck in a situation that wasnt for me which is good. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 17 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: He’s so sweet and respectful, caring, considerate.. His character is top notch. I don’t meet a lot of men like him. That's nice but that needs to last in time. It means nothing if it last 2 months and then he becomes controlling, evasive, unreliable. What is his dating history? You're saying he's not returning to his faith and at the same time you're saying he wants to do things right *this time*. It's contradictory. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: That's nice but that needs to last in time. It means nothing if it last 2 months and then he becomes controlling, evasive, unreliable. What is his dating history? You're saying he's not returning to his faith and at the same time you're saying he wants to do things right *this time*. It's contradictory. it’s also contradictory to fornicate and consider yourself a Christian, but there are people on here saying that some christian’s do that and its “okay”… returning to Faith sounds drastic to me. He already believed in God he’s just trying to do better and be ALL IN.. not have one foot out and one foot in.. As far as his dating history, he’s dated here and there nothing serious/no spark..his last relationship he was in it for 10 years. Thats all I know Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 13 minutes ago, Gaeta said: That's nice but that needs to last in time. It means nothing if it last 2 months and then he becomes controlling, evasive, unreliable. you can only fake it for so song so we shall see. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 11 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: his last relationship he was in it for 10 years Were they married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Were they married? No. He was married before though in his early 20s. The last relationship its been over for 3 or 4. I didn’t really ask about every person. I asked questions about the ex wife and why the 10 year one didn’t work. Edited October 4 by IslandGrl Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 13 hours ago, IslandGrl said: I like him a lot and willing to be on board. Okay then why did you cross boundaries and initiate sex with him when he had told you that was not what he wanted to do? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 11 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: it’s also contradictory to fornicate and consider yourself a Christian English is not my first language but the word fornicate seems a bit extreme here. Between a man and a woman that are in love it's called <intimacy>. By the way, premarital sex is not forbidden in the 10 commandments, and it's also not mentioned once in the New Testament. It's a rule made up by the Church. And we know the Church came up with a bunch of mumbo jumbo rules. I know, I was raised Catholic. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 5 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: The last relationship its been over for 3 or 4 He was in a relationship, unmarried, for 10 years! and now he doesn't believe in premarital sex. You don't see the hypocrisy here? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 Just now, Gaeta said: English is not my first language but the word fornicate seems a bit extreme here. Between a man and a woman that are in love it's called <intimacy>. By the way, premarital sex is not forbidden in the 10 commandments, and it's also not mentioned once in the New Testament. It's a rule made up by the Church. And we know the Church came up with a bunch of mumbo jumbo rules. I know, I was raised Catholic. The bible literally says is better to be married if youre in lust and talks about premarital sex somewhere in Hebrews.I grew up in a catholic private school and don’t agree with a lot of their teachings. We’re both nondenominational and don’t subscribe to religion/sectors. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 11 hours ago, IslandGrl said: This is exactly what it is and guess what.. I’m going to fall back a teenie bit. We get a long reaaalllllyyyyyyyyy well. I don’t agree with everything he says by any means but everything is flowing as it should aside from the sex thing. He’s been doing a lot of things to prove himself. For example he’s fixed things in my home, keeps me posted on where he’s at, he stayed on the phone with me to show me he was with a male client for work, he accidentally left his phone at work one day and called me on instagram from his tablet and explained what had happened every detail. As corny as that is, the simple things matter to me. Any other guy would have called it a night and explained the following day. SO I feel like I’m a bit too excited.. not that I shouldnt be.. but I’m getting all in my head. I just wanna make sure he isn’t a walking red flag and not missing something. This is the most respectable man I’ve ever dated BUT the overthinker in me thinks he could be using his faith to manipulate me. Thankfully, I have not said anything crazy to him to push him away. I just vent to my friends to prevent that. Well, those heavily into religion take it very seriously, a decision like sex is even more important to them and the come to Jesus conversations. I don't know, not saying he's right, but people who are serious about their religion is in the state of being celibate and he sees that this is counterproductive to his faith and goals. You're going to be the woman he sees as the woman he broke his vow of sex before marriage. You as a female aren’t supposed to be initiating and he as a male doesn’t want to have sex with someone he isn’t married to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: He was in a relationship, unmarried, for 10 years! and now he doesn't believe in premarital sex. You don't see the hypocrisy here? No I don’t. No matter what I say, You will most likely find a rebuttal 😂… I’m pretty sure if I told you he was married. You would probably say something like “that’s a long time to be married. He most likely needs time to himself to figure things out” LOL.. cant win here. Either way.. I don’t judge him for that. It takes years for drug addicts to become sober. When theyre finally sober are you going to hold their past againt them for eternity? The man I’m dating had time to reflect on his relationship with God and I happened to catch him during this whole process. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Well, those heavily into religion take it very seriously, a decision like sex is even more important to them and the come to Jesus conversations. I don't know, not saying he's right, but people who are serious about their religion is in the state of being celibate and he sees that this is counterproductive to his faith and goals. You're going to be the woman he sees as the woman he broke his vow of sex before marriage. You as a female aren’t supposed to be initiating and he as a male doesn’t want to have sex with someone he isn’t married to. He broke his own vow.. and had a jolly old time doing it in that moment.. I didnt put a gun to his head. There was some conviction on both ends afterwards and here we are now. Nothing else has changed aside from that. in a way I don’t feel bad about it because at least we’re still getting to know each other and if it doesn’t work out I wont feel guilty about sharing my body with him all this time. he keeps mentioning how hard this is for him and it’s hard for me as well, but this is what I’m choosing to deal with right now. Edited October 4 by IslandGrl Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 (edited) 26 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: No I don’t. No matter what I say, You will most likely find a rebuttal 😂… I’m pretty sure if I told you he was married. You would probably say something like “that’s a long time to be married. He most likely needs time to himself to figure things out” LOL.. cant win here. Either way.. I don’t judge him for that. It takes years for drug addicts to become sober. When theyre finally sober are you going to hold their past againt them for eternity? The man I’m dating had time to reflect on his relationship with God and I happened to catch him during this whole process. If he had been married I would have thought that yes he's always been trying to live by his religious belief. The point I am trying to make is exactly that, you are arriving in his life exactly when he's making a religious reflection, it's new. You've dated in ONE month. He never applied the no-premarital sex before, right? This can all go out the window because for the past 15 years that was not important and suddenly he makes it a rule. Stay with me I am getting to my point. I would not hold someone's past against them but I would not date someone that is newly sober. For me to date an ex addict he would have to be sober at least 5 years. Because under that amount of time people can fall back in their old habits anytime. Don't go I am not done! 🙂 You want a man of God, your guy may not be a man of God in 6 months. Change is hard. Again, you said he had time to reflect on his relationship with god, then you say you happened to catch him during this process. He can't have spend THAT much time reflecting on it. He met you and had sex several times. When did that reflection started exactly. Edited October 4 by Gaeta Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 13 minutes ago, Gaeta said: If he had been married I would have thought that yes he's always been trying to live by his religious belief. The point I am trying to make is exactly that, you are arriving in his life exactly when he's making a religious reflection, it's new. You've dated in ONE month. He never applied the no-premarital sex before, right? This can all go out the window because for the past 15 years that was not important and suddenly he makes it a rule. Stay with me I am getting to my point. I would not hold someone's past against them but I would not date someone that is newly sober. For me to date an ex addict he would have to be sober at least 5 years. Because under that amount of time people can fall back in their old habits anytime. Don't go I am not done! 🙂 You want a man of God, your guy may not be a man of God in 6 months. Change is hard. Again, you said he had time to reflect on his relationship with god, then you say you happened to catch him during this process. He can't have spend THAT much time reflecting on it. He met you and had sex several times. When did that reflection started exactly. The important thing here is that we are both believers and that’s what I want. The degree of Godliness is irrelevant to me but will be supportive as it also strengthens my faith. Sex before marriage isn’t the only sin. There’s other aspects of following Gods word that hes been working on.. HIS REASONING for wanting to abstain was for multiple reasons already mentioned lol. He Overall wants to do what he feels is right, and remove sex to really get to know me and if it turns out to be something long term, it would be even more special. If we are only having sex what else do we have? According to him we are exclusive meaning we are only dating each other right now. This is very intentional and I care about him enough to be supportive until his actions show me different. I’m still preparing for the worst but also hoping for the best as we get along really well. His parents are pushing him to have more children but he wants to make sure he’s choosing the right woman Im sure. No matter which way this goes I want him to be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Okay then why did you cross boundaries and initiate sex with him when he had told you that was not what he wanted to do? 🥱… Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 (edited) I can appreciate two people going in for the lust, then backing up and saying, "Wait. Anyone can take their clothes off, that's not difficult. I think you may mean a lot to me. Let's pull back on having sex and limit ourselves to getting emotionally naked with one another and expose our real-life practical selves to learn whether this attraction has real legs." That makes sense to me. What I'd avoid is turning this into a purity audition. Instead, I'd let my hair down and expose all my flaws, my dirty laundry--my real self. Because if he were to expect me to keep my phone on to prove who I'm meeting with, or he wants to track my locations, or check in all the time, or he believes that women 'should' be subservient and demure, or any other thing that I won't conform to or change about myself, I'd want to shake that out up front. I'd also put sex back on the table if we decide to form a committed relationship. In other words, I'd push toward failing such an audition rather than censoring myself to meet one's 'Godly' expectations. If he can roll with that, he'd have a shot. OTOH, the phone thing to prove who he met with would creep me out. I'd be focused on shaking out anything else that's controlling, which my autonomous self would not tolerate. Explore, and enjOy! Edited October 4 by Leihla_B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 18 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: 🥱… Is that a giggle? As a religious person you should know that in the eyes of God what is worse than sinning is to have another believer commit a sin. You seem to find this funny. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ami1uwant Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 2 hours ago, IslandGrl said: you can only fake it for so song so we shall see. One month is nowhere near enough to er through fake behavior. He can easily be putting up a fake persona right know than who he really is. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts