Gebidozo Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 2 hours ago, IslandGrl said: it’s also contradictory to fornicate and consider yourself a Christian Didn’t you describe yourself as “God-loving and fornicating”? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 (edited) 1 hour ago, IslandGrl said: He broke his own vow.. and had a jolly old time doing it in that moment.. Well, you both did. He is in a religion where that would be morally unacceptable and it might be weighing on his mind for that reason. Maybe before he decides to go further with you and he wants to make sure that it's the right choice and that he's really willing to deal with the consequences of going against his faith. Also, 2 people trying to control their desires and hormones is difficult and the fact that he seems like he is liking and trying to control himself might be appealing to you. So, it's like oh I must have him because he's so strong even though he's resisting. Edited October 4 by Alpacalia 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 1 hour ago, Leihla_B said: I can appreciate two people going in for the lust, then backing up and saying, "Wait. Anyone can take their clothes off, that's not difficult. I think you may mean a lot to me. Let's pull back on having sex and limit ourselves to getting emotionally naked with one another and expose our real-life practical selves to learn whether this attraction has real legs." That makes sense to me. What I'd avoid is turning this into a purity audition. Instead, I'd let my hair down and expose all my flaws, my dirty laundry--my real self. Because if he were to expect me to keep my phone on to prove who I'm meeting with, or he wants to track my locations, or check in all the time, or he believes that women 'should' be subservient and demure, or any other thing that I won't conform to or change about myself, I'd want to shake that out up front. I'd also put sex back on the table if we decide to form a committed relationship. In other words, I'd push toward failing such an audition rather than censoring myself to meet one's 'Godly' expectations. If he can roll with that, he'd have a shot. OTOH, the phone thing to prove who he met with would creep me out. I'd be focused on shaking out anything else that's controlling, which my autonomous self would not tolerate. Explore, and enjOy! The phone thing is bcz i asked if the client was a woman LOL🥴 and he did that willy nilly.. I didn’t ask. I promise you guys I’m enjoying this process. I overthink and worry a lot to the point I push people away. So now I’m choosing to vent to my friends and come on here for some advice instead of being annoying and push a potentially good man away. I’m the type of woman who needs reassurance every now and then and I do reciprocate that’s not an issue for me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 41 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Well, you both did. He is in a religion where that would be morally unacceptable and it might be weighing on his mind for that reason. Maybe before he decides to go further with you and he wants to make sure that it's the right choice and that he's really willing to deal with the consequences of going against his faith. Also, 2 people trying to control their desires and hormones is difficult and the fact that he seems like he is liking and trying to control himself might be appealing to you. So, it's like oh I must have him because he's so strong even though he's resisting. Understood Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 6 hours ago, Gebidozo said: How can that be? Real chemistry includes sexual chemistry. Otherwise it wouldn’t be romantic chemistry, it would be just chemistry between friends. lol I’ve had sexual chemistry with men I didn’t really like. I don’t do that anymore and I prefer my encounters to be meaningful. men separate love and sex all the time. It’s definitely a thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: One month is nowhere near enough to er through fake behavior. He can easily be putting up a fake persona right know than who he really is. exactly…. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 1 hour ago, Gebidozo said: Didn’t you describe yourself as “God-loving and fornicating”? I did whats your point?? I said I was used to people like myself saying they’re a Christian and fornicate. Now I’ve met a man who wants to repent and do things the proper way. If I didn’t like him, I wouldn’t consider it. This whole situation is also testing my own faith. Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 (edited) 19 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: ...I promise you guys I’m enjoying this process. I overthink and worry a lot to the point I push people away. So now I’m choosing to vent to my friends and come on here for some advice instead of being annoying and push a potentially good man away... Good! Overall, I'd take from this the message that I'm vetting him for MY future rather than squelching myself into an audition for him to not ghost me or dump me. Find out how hard-line he is. Ask questions. Challenge his expectations of a 'wife'. Learn where he stands on behaviors and point out where you will NOT conform to a given idea. While the goal is not to push him away, it's also not to keep him around based on gratitude for his willingness to stay. Flush out assumptions or expectations that he might otherwise fail to show to you until you've invested so much time, you'd rather conform than 'lose' him. Head high. Edited October 4 by Leihla_B 4 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 3 hours ago, IslandGrl said: Now I’ve met a man who wants to repent and do things the proper way. Except you won't let him. That is why you seduced him into sex. You must not want the proper way by your actions. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 (edited) Going back to the question at the start....Are there any red flags? I'm seeing a lot of them and coming from both of you. Of course the caveat is that I'm judging by what *I* would find acceptable in a relationship, but it's you in the relationship and it's your view that truly counts. My main piece of advice is to stop worrying about whether he's being genuine. Fact is, we all put our best foot forward at the start of a relationship and as we relax, our true selves start to show. It's only a month in and you barely know each other....so just focus on getting to know each other and time will tell if you're right for each other. You can't rush these things. Edited October 4 by basil67 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 11 hours ago, IslandGrl said: I ammmm LOL. I can’t type every single detail on here. He’s a great guy. The only thing I’m questioning is abstaining from sex. Everything else is pretty darn good and as I stated in the posts..nothing else has really changed except were trying Not to have sex and leave sex out of it as we continue to get to know each other. We have a lot in common and get along well. what noteworthy incompatibilities are you referring to?? My faith is also important to me so this whole situation is also having me question how deep my own relationship with God is. As far as thinking he’s the one, I don’t know that yet but he’s def a good prospect. Among other things, you spoke of his attitude towards Halloween, suggesting that he has a more rigid view than you do. You also seem to be more relaxed about the idea of having sex before marriage than he is. In addition, I seem to remember you wondering whether he was using his religiosity to control you. There are definite issues there. You would do well to pay attention to those details now because some or them might have implications for how you live your life, e.g., how you want to raise your kids in the future (if you choose to have kids). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 6 hours ago, IslandGrl said: lol I’ve had sexual chemistry with men I didn’t really like. I don’t do that anymore and I prefer my encounters to be meaningful. men separate love and sex all the time. It’s definitely a thing. I didn’t advocate having sex with people you don’t really like. I said that any romantic chemistry includes sexual chemistry by definition. It’s impossible to have romantic chemistry without having sexual chemistry. So I don’t see how abstaining from sex at this early stage will help you cultivate other types of chemistry in a romantic relationship. It’s not that you’ve been having sex thrice per day for several years and it occupies too much of your time and energy and prevents you from doing other things. Your view of men is rather stereotypical. Yes, as a rule, it’s easier for a man than for a woman to separate love and sex, although there are many exceptions. The really wrong part is “all the time”. When a man is really in love, he doesn’t separate love and sex. In that way he is not at all different from a woman. Your goal is to know whether your almost-BF is really in love with you. Stopping the already present sexual relationship between you is not a step towards that goal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 6 hours ago, IslandGrl said: I did whats your point?? I said I was used to people like myself saying they’re a Christian and fornicate. Now I’ve met a man who wants to repent and do things the proper way. If I didn’t like him, I wouldn’t consider it. This whole situation is also testing my own faith. My point is that everything in your initial posts indicated that you were at peace with your God-loving, fornicating persona. Now it turns out that you’re not and the “proper way” is now abstinence before marriage. And yet in the same paragraph, right after that, you say you wouldn’t consider abstinence if you didn’t like him. So you’re doing it for him and against your own conviction, after all? Also, that sentence appears to mean that you’re okay with sleeping with men you don’t like, but not okay with sleeping with a man you do like. Doesn’t it strike you as strange? OP, I might be old and dense and the way I practice my Christian faith might be unorthodox, but I feel there is a lot of confusion in what’s happening now between you and that young man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 5 Author Share Posted October 5 7 hours ago, stillafool said: Except you won't let him. That is why you seduced him into sex. You must not want the proper way by your actions. Lol we BOTH messed up oh well. Doing great now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 5 Author Share Posted October 5 4 hours ago, basil67 said: Going back to the question at the start....Are there any red flags? I'm seeing a lot of them and coming from both of you. Of course the caveat is that I'm judging by what *I* would find acceptable in a relationship, but it's you in the relationship and it's your view that truly counts. My main piece of advice is to stop worrying about whether he's being genuine. Fact is, we all put our best foot forward at the start of a relationship and as we relax, our true selves start to show. It's only a month in and you barely know each other....so just focus on getting to know each other and time will tell if you're right for each other. You can't rush these things. SoTrue! Thanks for input. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 5 Author Share Posted October 5 3 hours ago, Gebidozo said: My point is that everything in your initial posts indicated that you were at peace with your God-loving, fornicating persona. Now it turns out that you’re not and the “proper way” is now abstinence before marriage. And yet in the same paragraph, right after that, you say you wouldn’t consider abstinence if you didn’t like him. So you’re doing it for him and against your own conviction, after all? Also, that sentence appears to mean that you’re okay with sleeping with men you don’t like, but not okay with sleeping with a man you do like. Doesn’t it strike you as strange? OP, I might be old and dense and the way I practice my Christian faith might be unorthodox, but I feel there is a lot of confusion in what’s happening now between you and that young man. At peace? 😂😂😂😂 erm okay. Your perception is way off I’m sorry. I no longer sleep with men I don’t like. I USED TO. That was in my early 20s. Yep, If I didn’t like him his journey wouldnt matter to me. I wasnt all in the way he is trying to be all in and its actually strengthening my faith. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 Eh, both of you have red flags. Will it work together? Only time will tell. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 5 Author Share Posted October 5 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Eh, both of you have red flags. Will it work together? Only time will tell. true Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 He's allowed to "fornicate" but everyone else isn't allowed to do Halloween. I think this tells you all you really need to know about who you're dating. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 6 Author Share Posted October 6 On 10/5/2024 at 3:19 PM, mark clemson said: He's allowed to "fornicate" but everyone else isn't allowed to do Halloween. I think this tells you all you really need to know about who you're dating. Right now he’s trying to do what’s best for his spiritual beliefs. He suggested I refrain from it. He didn’t tell me not to do it.. he doesnt control me. I don’t celebrate Halloween anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 6 Share Posted October 6 39 minutes ago, IslandGrl said: I don’t celebrate Halloween anyway Of course you don't, you don't have kids. Holloween is a huge deal for kids and you do want children. See, l take this halloween thing at heart because l live with that dilemna. My bf's ex-wife is extremely religious and she doesn't want their kids (5&7) to dress in costums or trick or treat. It drives my boyfriend up the wall. He doesn't want his children to be left out and he wants them to just be children! That's just one exemple but the year has 365 days and many religious holidays. What else does he expect? Will he expect you to do 40 days of lent before Easter? Would he expect his children to do lent? How religiously rigid would he be with his children? Ask questions!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 7 Author Share Posted October 7 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: Of course you don't, you don't have kids. Holloween is a huge deal for kids and you do want children. See, l take this halloween thing at heart because l live with that dilemna. My bf's ex-wife is extremely religious and she doesn't want their kids (5&7) to dress in costums or trick or treat. It drives my boyfriend up the wall. He doesn't want his children to be left out and he wants them to just be children! That's just one exemple but the year has 365 days and many religious holidays. What else does he expect? Will he expect you to do 40 days of lent before Easter? Would he expect his children to do lent? How religiously rigid would he be with his children? Ask questions!! I have a 17 year old daughter and when she was younger she did “trunk or treat” at church. She didn’t dress up in anything demonic.. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 (edited) On 10/6/2024 at 2:21 PM, IslandGrl said: Right now he’s trying to do what’s best for his spiritual beliefs. That's fine. Really it's when people starting telling everyone else "what's best for their spiritual beliefs" that we run into religious tyranny. (And everyone else often starts at home.) Maybe you two are well-aligned enough that this wouldn't become an issue for you. "Reasonable compromises" are part of any LTR and of course what's "reasonable" varies quite a bit depending on who the people are. Edited October 10 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IslandGrl Posted October 11 Author Share Posted October 11 On 10/4/2024 at 10:44 AM, Gaeta said: Were they married? So I had got my info wrong. They were married. Link to post Share on other sites
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