Am I Overreacting? Will this relationship ever work?

[Dididi]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently feeling really frustrated and confused about my relationship (me 33, him 39), and I could use some advice. I’m 6 months pregnant with our first child, which could be influencing my emotions, but I also feel like my concerns are valid, so I’d love some perspective.

We have had a lot of arguments the past weeks, mostly because I just feel like he doesnt care about our relationship or how Im feeling while being pregnant. He doesnt read into pregnancy and is only focused on his business 99% of the time. I feel taken for granted and maybe also a bit alone in this, while trying for a baby and being in it for 100% was both our intention. I do everything for him, cleaning, cooking, giving love and attention even when he is not around, helping him with his business. I just feel like he takes it all for granted and doesnt really care about how I am feeling or what I need from him in our relationship. Anytime I bring something up he disagrees and makes a big fuss about whatever it is what I need. He also says that all of the arguments are because I start them, not because of him because he is fine with everything, its all me.
 

Fast forward to yesterday—we had another fight. He went to his first football training at 8:30 pm, which was supposed to last about an hour. I assumed he’d come home after or at least message me, but by 10:15 pm, I still hadn’t heard from him. He had told me his mobile data had run out (but then you could still make regular calls/texts). I tried calling him once but got no answer. By this point, I was feeling stressed and angry. He’s always on his phone when we’re together (mostly for work), so I don’t understand why he can’t send a simple message when he’s out, especially when I’m pregnant and worried about him driving home late or something happening. I always send him updates when I’m out, just to keep him in the loop, but he doesn’t seem to care. He came home at 11:30 pm, much later than I expected, and he got irritated when I told him I was upset. He said he didn’t want to feel like messaging me was an “obligation” and that I’m overreacting. He thinks I worry too much, but from my perspective, it feels like he doesn’t care and is taking me for granted.
 

I don’t know if I’m overthinking because of the pregnancy hormones, or if this is genuinely a problem in our relationship. I just feel like I’m asking for basic communication and consideration, but he thinks I’m being too controlling or needy. Has anyone else experienced this? How do I approach this without it turning into another fight? I’m starting to feel really drained and unsure of how to handle things moving forward. Thanks for any advice.

[Els]

Never mind.

Edited October 4 by Els

[Gaeta]

It's probably a little bit of both. You feel very vulnerable while you're pregnant and that's normal, and your need for more reassurance feels like control to him. You both fail to see how this pregnancy affect the both of you. 

Jumping to your boyfriend's face because he gets home later than planned is not communicating, that's shedding your anger on him and 100% he will dismiss you.

You need to have a calm conversation. You express how you feel NOT accusations like you do this and you do that! FIRT you tell him you love him and what you love about him then Explain you feel vulnerable, you need his reassurance more than usual, it's probably hormonal, and you need that type of support from him during this pregnancy. Then ask him how he feels and LISTEN and acknowledge how he feels. If he says he feels you're trying to control him, don't dismiss how he feels, even if you don't think you're being controlling this is how he feels. Ask him what he needs from you to not feel controlled. If he needs you to not call him several times when he's out then don't! 

 

 

[Leihla_B]

While I agree with the above, you might need to make a temporary change that will get his attention rather than try to launch into a talk about your feelings while he's riding a tight focus on dismissiveness.

I'd pull back on the care you offer, which he takes for granted. I'd cheerfully stop cooking his meals, doing his laundry, or offering any other comfort. Don't confuse this with cold-shouldering, as that's a shutdown that does the opposite of encouraging open discussion. Instead, going on a friendly work strike at home will position him to fend for himself even while you are kind and open to RECEIVING communication from him. When he notices the change and asks you what's up, there's your opening to his receptivity. You can gently tell him, "I'm glad you've asked..." and request that he sit for a minute.

Proceed with @Gaeta's suggestion to lovingly explain that you're a bit vulnerable at this time, and your feelings of solitude in this pregnancy could use some attention and tender care. Then be quiet and listen. 

Edited October 4 by Leihla_B

[Gaeta]

7 hours ago, Dididi said:

I do everything for him, cleaning, cooking

Do you work on top of that?

[Dididi]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Do you work on top of that?

Yes, we pay bills etc also 50-50

 

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Do you work on top of that?

 

[Dididi]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

It's probably a little bit of both. You feel very vulnerable while you're pregnant and that's normal, and your need for more reassurance feels like control to him. You both fail to see how this pregnancy affect the both of you. 

Jumping to your boyfriend's face because he gets home later than planned is not communicating, that's shedding your anger on him and 100% he will dismiss you.

You need to have a calm conversation. You express how you feel NOT accusations like you do this and you do that! FIRT you tell him you love him and what you love about him then Explain you feel vulnerable, you need his reassurance more than usual, it's probably hormonal, and you need that type of support from him during this pregnancy. Then ask him how he feels and LISTEN and acknowledge how he feels. If he says he feels you're trying to control him, don't dismiss how he feels, even if you don't think you're being controlling this is how he feels. Ask him what he needs from you to not feel controlled. If he needs you to not call him several times when he's out then don't! 

 

 

Thank you🩷

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Dididi said:

Yes, we pay bills etc also 50-50

A long time ago I was the type of wife that did it all. I worked full time,  I cooked, cleaned, ironed his shirts, reminded him of his appointments etc. After our divorce 15 years  later, my mother told me something I never forgot. A man does not want to lay down in his bed next to his mother. You are not his mother, you should not do all the cleaning and cooking, pregnant or not. You are starting a very unhealthy dynamic in your marriage. Those chores should be shared. Instead of using your free time to clean go out and see your friends and family, go places you enjoy. 

Now, don't get me going on that 50-50. Bills should be paid pro-rata. Who earns more, pays more. 

[Leihla_B]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Now, don't get me going on that 50-50. Bills should be paid pro-rata. Who earns more, pays more. 

Yes. A three account method, His, Hers, and Ours. The Ours account is all shared expenses, savings, and investments. Each contributes to the Ours account based on a percentage of income rather than 50-50. The remainder of income goes into the account of the earner. This allows for each to have discretionary money that doesn't require approval from the other to save or spend as one wishes.

This is the most successful method, according to experts, to avoid fights over finances.

Edited October 4 by Leihla_B