Mike1990 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 My wife and I have two children together and a step son. We have known each other for 10 years and been to their 4 years. We started having bad issues back in December. I kept feeling like she was intentionally trying to start fights with me over small stuff and she started saying she felt like I didn’t give her enough affection but there were times where she got mad when I tried to kiss, hug or even gave sex with her, so sometimes I literally felt confused about what to do. I started to not even like to be around her. I also suspected her of talking to other men on the phone and actually seen men popping up on her Snapchat. She also started going out to bars and coming home late. I caught her in a bunch of lies etc. This went on until August. We almost got divorced and split up for a week. She ended up admitted to having sex with a guy I excused her if talking to literally two days after we were talking about getting divorced. I ended up taking her back after she said I was wrong for trying to end our marriage and not work on things. This has happened to me atleast 5 times where I ended up taking her back because she comes home crying saying I need to think about the kids our marriage etc. So the problem now is I agreed to an open marriage and she is pretty much having sex with everyone. I lied and told her I was ok with it because I felt like it was only way to save marriage but now I just feel hurt all time. I hate feeling like I’m not good enough. I feel like an idiot but I do hate the thought of my kids having to go through a divorce and be split up between us. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 Hi Mike, Your wife was already cheating on your for years and opening up the marriage didn’t stop that behavior, it just made it easier. That was the intention. It’s typically the intention of someone who wants to open a relationship, and it’s also the intention of someone who wants a divorce but is scared to ask for it. It allowed her to leave you without any remorse and also threw the gauntlet down to you. ‘If you love me, you’ll play by my rules.” But this is no longer about your children and the marriage, it’s about you. She has lied to you, cheated on you, manipulated you and used the children as a way to place emotional blackmail on you. It is not a marriage built on love, trust, and mutual respect. You are not wrong for trying to end a marriage that is not working, and she is not right for constantly bringing the children into the conversation when it is clear it’s not what she actually cares about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mike1990 Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Hi Mike, Your wife was already cheating on your for years and opening up the marriage didn’t stop that behavior, it just made it easier. That was the intention. It’s typically the intention of someone who wants to open a relationship, and it’s also the intention of someone who wants a divorce but is scared to ask for it. It allowed her to leave you without any remorse and also threw the gauntlet down to you. ‘If you love me, you’ll play by my rules.” But this is no longer about your children and the marriage, it’s about you. She has lied to you, cheated on you, manipulated you and used the children as a way to place emotional blackmail on you. It is not a marriage built on love, trust, and mutual respect. You are not wrong for trying to end a marriage that is not working, and she is not right for constantly bringing the children into the conversation when it is clear it’s not what she actually cares about. Things have been better since I agreed to that as far as us fighting. She tells me how she loves me and the sex with other men doesn’t mean anything. She told me I could go be with other women but I choose not to and have no intentions of doing so. She never wanted a divorce but she always brought up us separated for a year but still living together. Which in my opinion was just a way for her to go have sex with whoever. I just wish I had someone who only wanted me 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 Mike, while that may work for some couples… it’s not for you. she isn’t for you Your Children will be fine. Think of yourself now & get out of that nightmare Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mike1990 Posted October 4 Author Share Posted October 4 27 minutes ago, Georgia46 said: Mike, while that may work for some couples… it’s not for you. she isn’t for you Your Children will be fine. Think of yourself now & get out of that nightmare I was hoping when I agreed to open marriage that she would end up not doing it and say I was enough but instead she loves it. It really hurts me so much to know she’s so happy doing that because I could never go be with someone else and feel ok with it. I feel grossed out even having sex with her now and it just feels like we arnt even married. She still buys me gifts and does all kind of stuff for me. It’s so weird because she acts like I’m the love of her life but I’ll get home from work and she will leave to go havevsex with someone else. I feel like I got myself into a huge mess Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 It’s so hard, but it sounds like one person will never be enough for her, and that’s through no fault of your own. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 4 Share Posted October 4 This will destroy your selfworth till you're a fraction of the man you used to be. You need to leave. The children will be fine. Children can feel your distress and it's unconsciously affecting them. What they need are happy parents, not miserable parents together. When they grow up they will hear about their mothers sleeping around. We learn everything about our parents later in life. Do you want them to be sad you stood by and lived miserably for years, or you want them to be glad you got out and found another lady that made you happy like never before. Link to post Share on other sites
spiritedaway2003 Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 Your marriage, as you want/need it, is already over. It's just whether you want to stay where you are or go through the formality of a divorce. Open relationship isn't for everyone and it clearly isn't what you want. It's possible you could "find someone else" in this open relationship but why muddle the water even more? You fear the complications and the impact from a divorce; but the impact is already at your door, whether you choose to see it or not. It's just coming at you in the form of destroying your self-worth and blurring all the boundaries that you value and want in a "committed relationship". Work with a therapist if you need to talk out your fears. It isn't so much about preserving your marriage as much as it is how you can move forward in a relationship that is no longer working for you. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 I’m sorry, but your marriage is over. You have to divorce her. Your kids will be better off with divorced parents than with an openly, gleefully cheating mother and a father who is constantly suffering because of that. Your mistake was thinking that your marriage could be saved by “opening” it. I believe that this is generally impossible, but even if I’m wrong, it is surely 100% impossible in your case. You’re hurt, as you should be if you have any self respect. If this continues, one of the two things will happen. Either your pain will keep mounting and eating at you, until you can’t stand it any longer and something terrible happens, possibly even violent, at any rate a much uglier breakup, with much less dignity, than you can have now. Or you’ll get used to it and won’t care, and that’s even worse. You’ll become a shadow of yourself. A person who doesn’t respect himself, constantly humiliated in an outrageous way, living in a loveless marriage. Do you really want to subject your children to this? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mike1990 Posted October 5 Author Share Posted October 5 15 hours ago, Gebidozo said: I’m sorry, but your marriage is over. You have to divorce her. Your kids will be better off with divorced parents than with an openly, gleefully cheating mother and a father who is constantly suffering because of that. Your mistake was thinking that your marriage could be saved by “opening” it. I believe that this is generally impossible, but even if I’m wrong, it is surely 100% impossible in your case. You’re hurt, as you should be if you have any self respect. If this continues, one of the two things will happen. Either your pain will keep mounting and eating at you, until you can’t stand it any longer and something terrible happens, possibly even violent, at any rate a much uglier breakup, with much less dignity, than you can have now. Or you’ll get used to it and won’t care, and that’s even worse. You’ll become a shadow of yourself. A person who doesn’t respect himself, constantly humiliated in an outrageous way, living in a loveless marriage. Do you really want to subject your children to this? I understand what you are saying. I really just worry about kids and don’t want anymore relationships when this is over. I feel like she’s eventually going to leave me anyway. She love bombs me all the time by saying I’m the best and all this stuff but makes me out to be this horrible husband to her friends. I know she talks bad because I was told by one of her coworkers. They informed me of the three guys she was sending nudes too and talking too while she was working. I’ve literally caught her cheating before and by end of the day I would be the one saying sorry. It’s like everything gets twisted around, so much and I get made to feel like her cheating is my fault and she says I need to learn her love language and that I’m insecure with myself.. There’s stuff she said I needed to do for her that she hardly ever does for me. I know the marriage is over and I need to end it. I just havnt made the steps yet but I’m sure it will come. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 1 hour ago, Mike1990 said: . I really just worry about kids and don’t want anymore relationships when this is over. It's normal you feel that way but it will pass. All childhood specialists will tell you it's hurtful to children to remain in a destructive marriage. It's better to divorce and they will adjust. If l were you l would go see a lawyer and get all the info you need. Request 50% custody. Link to post Share on other sites
Just Jason Posted October 6 Share Posted October 6 Damn dude, I'm sorry. I can understand staying together for the kids, but this sounds pretty unhealthy. Maybe try going to a site like meetup.com and try to just make friends. As soon as I found out she was cheating, I would have filed for divorce. If you can afford to move, I would. Why put yourself through that? If you didn't do anything wrong, the kids will respect you for that. Link to post Share on other sites
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