Response times replying to messages

[FredEire]

5 minutes ago, Marka said:

But in my understanding he didn't leave her on read? the conversation was over. He asked question, she replied, didn't ask question back. He left it. If I ask guy question, he replies back bit not asking anything, I would probably think, he is busy or prefers to get to know people in person. I guess we are all different.

Ah ok, I think I misread the early posts as I thought she asked a question and he just left it on seen for four days.

That changes things quite a bit for me actually, I'd be more in your camp. Maybe he could have shown a bit more interest but I think there's not that much you can read into it in that case without going on a first date and seeing what happens.

Anywho no big deal, just a first date that wasn't to be.

[Gaeta]

@Alpacaliawas his question related to your up coming date?

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, happyhorizons said:

He should’ve been more assertive for sure but I wonder if that would’ve put you off and assertive male ?

I might have been. I went on a first date with someone once and he was pretty assertive initially and it kind of put me off. But I've also been in situations where he was assertive and I enjoyed it.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

@Alpacaliawas his question related to your up coming date?

No, it was a "get to know" you more type-question.

[Marka]

7 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

No, it was a "get to know" you more type-question.

I guess you were just not feeling it. Sometimes I also looking for excuses not to go on a date. Just kinda dont feel it.

[Alpacalia]

On 10/11/2024 at 3:18 AM, Marka said:

I guess you were just not feeling it. Sometimes I also looking for excuses not to go on a date. Just kinda dont feel it.

True. Another reason is because he lives in this area and I am moving back to the east coast (most likely) next year. So, I didn't wanna start seeing someone and then have to leave but I also want to date so it's a bit of a double-edged sword.

[Alpacalia]

He is very settled in this area. He knows I have plans to relocate. Him relocating is not really an option at the moment.

[Acacia98]

On 10/11/2024 at 2:19 AM, Marka said:

But in my understanding he didn't leave her on read? the conversation was over. He asked question, she replied, didn't ask question back. He left it. If I ask guy question, he replies back bit not asking anything, I would probably think, he is busy or prefers to get to know people in person. I guess we are all different.

Maybe it also depends on what the question was. The silence could seem awkward or perfectly normal depending on what they were discussing.

[Justagirl999]

On 10/4/2024 at 10:05 PM, Alpacalia said:

This man that I am talking to (it's early stages) reached out to me first. We have been in touch off and on and the last message I sent he didn't reply for a few days. He just reached out but I am not sure I want to respond at this point. We are supposed to go on a date, but I am hesitant given his inconsistent communication. Would you reply back right away, or wait a few days to respond to show that you are not just sitting around waiting for him to reach out?

Hard to tell, honestly. I've had this guy who would text me every four-five days. And to be honest he was probably the best out of them all I've been talking to so far. He called everytime he said he would, he showed he was interested but he was very respectful at the same time. We stopped talking due to the fact he was away at that time and we couldn't meet. Two or three months later without even a word he sent me a huge surprise...Very sweet guy. 

On the other hand...I've had guys who would text me every day, all they long, telling me they keep looking at their phone waiting for my text and sounded really obssesed with me. They always text first, saying all the right things... At some point they change and start acting different and you're left wondering what happened.

So I think it's not so much about "how often" someone text you...It's more about "how consistent" with the comunication he is. Everyone has different style of comunication. The important thing is.. is he consistent or things started one way and now they're going backwards insted of forward in which case there's definitely soemthing wrong. 

[Alpacalia]

We were at a mutual friend's party. He came up to me and we ended up having a really nice conversation. I think I may have been a bit hasty initially, not that I still don't feel a bit iff about his long reply time but I've decided to let it go. 

[Alpacalia]

2 minutes ago, happyhorizons said:

This is definitely heartwarming to read

Thanks. I am digging him so we'll see what happens 🤗

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

We were at a mutual friend's party. He came up to me and we ended up having a really nice conversation. I think I may have been a bit hasty initially, not that I still don't feel a bit iff about his long reply time but I've decided to let it go. 

So he did not get back to you for 15 days, you came across him this weekend?  You would have never heard from him again if not for this friend's party.

Yes you let this go.

Edited October 20, 2024 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So he did not get back to you for 15 days, you came across him this weekend?  You would have never heard from him again if not for this friend's party.

Yes you let this go.

It was around 4 days that I didn't hear back from him. He did reach out to me several times since so that's why I thought maybe I was being a bit too hasty initially given it had been 4 days.

[Lotsgoingon]

Here's what I try to do these days. I ask myself if I REALLY like the person or like them enough or am curious enough, that I'd like to meet them. If the answer is a strong yes, then I don't worry about how quick or how slow they reply to me. I decide if I want to meet them. And I tell them I'd like to meet.

I try to avoid the morass of interpreting reply times. And if I want to go out with them, I say I want to go out. I focus on what I want for the next step. Now, I can do this because these days, I'm willing to go out with a person and decide very clearly that nope, this won't work for me. And I don't feel I've lost anything if we don't click. 

[Alpacalia]

Yes. It's bit different in this case because we had a date planned it's just he didn't reply for four days. I think that is a bit different then someone that you've been communicating with saying they want to take you on a first date but don't quite follow through. I think that's more indicative of interest, versus not responding for 4 days. At least that's how I see it. 

[Gaeta]

30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes. It's bit different in this case because we had a date planned it's just he didn't reply for four days. 

Did you go on that date? I follow every updates but l feel I'm missing something.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Did you go on that date? I follow every updates but l feel I'm missing something.

I did not. We were supposed to but given his response time (the 4 days he took to reply) I felt iffy about it. But, when I saw him at the mutual friends party he said to me "We are going to go out, yes?". So I am kind of in a weird position because now, am I the one who has made the date not happen? Cause he did reach out again... after all. Trust me I went back and forth on this many a times.

[Gaeta]

Ok! I re-read from beginning, you cancelled the date.

I may have misinterpreted what you meant when you last said * you let it go*. Do you mean you let go of the guy or you let go of the 4-day-no-reply resentment?

If l were you l would not be embarassed by cancelling the date. You want to be treated with consideration and you spelled them out. If your interest is rekindled then go on that date. Let's see if he's got a clue this time around. Personally l would be wary that the on-and-off pattern is his regular pattern.

[Leihla_B]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I try to avoid the morass of interpreting reply times. And if I want to go out with them, I say I want to go out. I focus on what I want for the next step. Now, I can do this because these days, I'm willing to go out with a person and decide very clearly that nope, this won't work for me. And I don't feel I've lost anything if we don't click. 

I'm with you. I see so many threads putting oodles of time and energy and focus and debate on dissecting every text with hyper-granularity, and it makes no sense to me.

Just meet the person. Then you'll have something tangible to consider. If the person is a dud, you can dash after some quick sips of coffee, and you can thank yourself for not wasting your valuable time and focus on trying to figure out a pfffft.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes you are right: your situation was different than the one I imagined because you and this guy had a date planned.

Hey, be kind to yourself here:

But, when I saw him at the mutual friends party he said to me "We are going to go out, yes?". So I am kind of in a weird position because now, am I the one who has made the date not happen?

Note: you can tell him (or could have told him), no I'm not interested in planning a meeting.. We had a meeting planned and you didn't respond.  So no, I don't think it's a good idea to plan anything else. 

Whenever you think "I'm in the weird position of" that just means you are sitting on a truth you need to say aloud to the other person.  Your only audience is you! If his lack of response turned you off, you can politely say that.  That's very important and specific and truthful information. BTW: saying that to someone gives them the chance to explain themselves and you know, 5 times out of a 100, the person might have a good reason why they went silent. 

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes you are right: your situation was different than the one I imagined because you and this guy had a date planned.

Hey, be kind to yourself here:

But, when I saw him at the mutual friends party he said to me "We are going to go out, yes?". So I am kind of in a weird position because now, am I the one who has made the date not happen?

Note: you can tell him (or could have told him), no I'm not interested in planning a meeting.. We had a meeting planned and you didn't respond.  So no, I don't think it's a good idea to plan anything else. 

Whenever you think "I'm in the weird position of" that just means you are sitting on a truth you need to say aloud to the other person.  Your only audience is you! If his lack of response turned you off, you can politely say that.  That's very important and specific and truthful information. BTW: saying that to someone gives them the chance to explain themselves and you know, 5 times out of a 100, the person might have a good reason why they went silent. 

 

Thanks LGO! Just to clarify, he didn't NOT respond to our date plans, he just asked a question while we were randomly chatting via text and took a few days to reply. If it was a text that I sent trying to firm up plans or something and he didn't reply, I def would not go through. I feel not replying for 4 days may be indicative of lack of interest but do I expect him to be glued to his phone and if he takes a few days to reply does this mean he is not interested? 

[Georgia46]

Some people are useless on their phone, others not so.  
 

Slow texters annoy me but I can see how I could be being unreasonable too.   

 

id go on the date, see how it went, and see what the texting/communication is like afterwards.  
 

😎

[Alpacalia]

So, we went on a first date, and it was nice... Albeit, he told me about how he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and was still adjusting to being single. He also mentioned that he was talking to other women but wanted to see where things go with me. I don't know how to feel about that. Should I continue to see him and see if things develop, or end it now before investing more time and emotions?

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Should I continue to see him and see if things develop, or end it now before investing more time and emotions?

Are you ready to find a serious dater or you are still getting over your last relationship?

If you are ready to date someone seriously l would drop this guy. You know how it is, he's emotionally unavailable and he's only interested in multi-dating. 

 

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Should I continue to see him and see if things develop, or end it now before investing more time and emotions?

If you’re interested in seeing him again, see him again. If you’re not, don’t. You can’t control his side of things so all you have to worry about is you.