Response times replying to messages

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

We were at a mutual friend's party. He came up to me and we ended up having a really nice conversation. I think I may have been a bit hasty initially, not that I still don't feel a bit iff about his long reply time but I've decided to let it go. 

So he did not get back to you for 15 days, you came across him this weekend?  You would have never heard from him again if not for this friend's party.

Yes you let this go.

Edited October 20 by Gaeta

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So he did not get back to you for 15 days, you came across him this weekend?  You would have never heard from him again if not for this friend's party.

Yes you let this go.

It was around 4 days that I didn't hear back from him. He did reach out to me several times since so that's why I thought maybe I was being a bit too hasty initially given it had been 4 days.

[Lotsgoingon]

Here's what I try to do these days. I ask myself if I REALLY like the person or like them enough or am curious enough, that I'd like to meet them. If the answer is a strong yes, then I don't worry about how quick or how slow they reply to me. I decide if I want to meet them. And I tell them I'd like to meet.

I try to avoid the morass of interpreting reply times. And if I want to go out with them, I say I want to go out. I focus on what I want for the next step. Now, I can do this because these days, I'm willing to go out with a person and decide very clearly that nope, this won't work for me. And I don't feel I've lost anything if we don't click. 

[Alpacalia]

Yes. It's bit different in this case because we had a date planned it's just he didn't reply for four days. I think that is a bit different then someone that you've been communicating with saying they want to take you on a first date but don't quite follow through. I think that's more indicative of interest, versus not responding for 4 days. At least that's how I see it. 

[Gaeta]

30 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Yes. It's bit different in this case because we had a date planned it's just he didn't reply for four days. 

Did you go on that date? I follow every updates but l feel I'm missing something.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Did you go on that date? I follow every updates but l feel I'm missing something.

I did not. We were supposed to but given his response time (the 4 days he took to reply) I felt iffy about it. But, when I saw him at the mutual friends party he said to me "We are going to go out, yes?". So I am kind of in a weird position because now, am I the one who has made the date not happen? Cause he did reach out again... after all. Trust me I went back and forth on this many a times.

[Gaeta]

Ok! I re-read from beginning, you cancelled the date.

I may have misinterpreted what you meant when you last said * you let it go*. Do you mean you let go of the guy or you let go of the 4-day-no-reply resentment?

If l were you l would not be embarassed by cancelling the date. You want to be treated with consideration and you spelled them out. If your interest is rekindled then go on that date. Let's see if he's got a clue this time around. Personally l would be wary that the on-and-off pattern is his regular pattern.

[Leihla_B]

7 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I try to avoid the morass of interpreting reply times. And if I want to go out with them, I say I want to go out. I focus on what I want for the next step. Now, I can do this because these days, I'm willing to go out with a person and decide very clearly that nope, this won't work for me. And I don't feel I've lost anything if we don't click. 

I'm with you. I see so many threads putting oodles of time and energy and focus and debate on dissecting every text with hyper-granularity, and it makes no sense to me.

Just meet the person. Then you'll have something tangible to consider. If the person is a dud, you can dash after some quick sips of coffee, and you can thank yourself for not wasting your valuable time and focus on trying to figure out a pfffft.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes you are right: your situation was different than the one I imagined because you and this guy had a date planned.

Hey, be kind to yourself here:

But, when I saw him at the mutual friends party he said to me "We are going to go out, yes?". So I am kind of in a weird position because now, am I the one who has made the date not happen?

Note: you can tell him (or could have told him), no I'm not interested in planning a meeting.. We had a meeting planned and you didn't respond.  So no, I don't think it's a good idea to plan anything else. 

Whenever you think "I'm in the weird position of" that just means you are sitting on a truth you need to say aloud to the other person.  Your only audience is you! If his lack of response turned you off, you can politely say that.  That's very important and specific and truthful information. BTW: saying that to someone gives them the chance to explain themselves and you know, 5 times out of a 100, the person might have a good reason why they went silent. 

 

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Yes you are right: your situation was different than the one I imagined because you and this guy had a date planned.

Hey, be kind to yourself here:

But, when I saw him at the mutual friends party he said to me "We are going to go out, yes?". So I am kind of in a weird position because now, am I the one who has made the date not happen?

Note: you can tell him (or could have told him), no I'm not interested in planning a meeting.. We had a meeting planned and you didn't respond.  So no, I don't think it's a good idea to plan anything else. 

Whenever you think "I'm in the weird position of" that just means you are sitting on a truth you need to say aloud to the other person.  Your only audience is you! If his lack of response turned you off, you can politely say that.  That's very important and specific and truthful information. BTW: saying that to someone gives them the chance to explain themselves and you know, 5 times out of a 100, the person might have a good reason why they went silent. 

 

Thanks LGO! Just to clarify, he didn't NOT respond to our date plans, he just asked a question while we were randomly chatting via text and took a few days to reply. If it was a text that I sent trying to firm up plans or something and he didn't reply, I def would not go through. I feel not replying for 4 days may be indicative of lack of interest but do I expect him to be glued to his phone and if he takes a few days to reply does this mean he is not interested? 

[Georgia46]

Some people are useless on their phone, others not so.  
 

Slow texters annoy me but I can see how I could be being unreasonable too.   

 

id go on the date, see how it went, and see what the texting/communication is like afterwards.  
 

😎

[Alpacalia]

So, we went on a first date, and it was nice... Albeit, he told me about how he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and was still adjusting to being single. He also mentioned that he was talking to other women but wanted to see where things go with me. I don't know how to feel about that. Should I continue to see him and see if things develop, or end it now before investing more time and emotions?

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Should I continue to see him and see if things develop, or end it now before investing more time and emotions?

Are you ready to find a serious dater or you are still getting over your last relationship?

If you are ready to date someone seriously l would drop this guy. You know how it is, he's emotionally unavailable and he's only interested in multi-dating. 

 

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Should I continue to see him and see if things develop, or end it now before investing more time and emotions?

If you’re interested in seeing him again, see him again. If you’re not, don’t. You can’t control his side of things so all you have to worry about is you.

[Marka]

I would pass 

[happyhorizons]

12 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

So, we went on a first date, and it was nice... Albeit, he told me about how he had just gotten out of a long-term relationship and was still adjusting to being single. He also mentioned that he was talking to other women but wanted to see where things go with me. I don't know how to feel about that. Should I continue to see him and see if things develop, or end it now before investing more time and emotions?

I would vote to continue with him. Hopefully, he will choose you over his other girls. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, happyhorizons said:

I would vote to continue with him. Hopefully, he will choose you over his other girls. 

Why would a woman ever put herself in this *pick me* position? @Alpacalia can easily find herself a better prospect.

[Alpacalia]

23 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Are you ready to find a serious dater or you are still getting over your last relationship?

If you are ready to date someone seriously l would drop this guy. You know how it is, he's emotionally unavailable and he's only interested in multi-dating. 

 

@GaetaI am over my last relationship. My worry is that I will have to move back to NJ and start all over again. So, I think I am okay with casually dating this guy for now. Is that wrong of me? Or, shall I just put dating on hold for now altogether. Aye!

Edited October 25 by Alpacalia