Sutton Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 I had an affair for almost two years. My husband found out and we have been working on ourselves and our marriage and I am so lucky. BUT two years have gone by and I still love my AP, he is now engaged and I am crushed even though I found out prior to cheating with me he had three other women, when my divorce was taking longer and his was final, he gave me an ultimatum and said he would be getting lonely by himself waiting for me, didn’t want a secret relationship anymore and cheating was not the man he really was. This was the same man who called me his everything, looked at houses together and even sent me ring pictures. Now if I see him he looks right thru me and has also spread horrible rumors about me. Why do I need closure ?? Why do I miss him and think I’m missing out or the new fiancé is pretty better etc? I am haunted by all this. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 (edited) Our brains and emotions are strange and sometimes contradictory, and that can be as true in romance as it can be in other arenas. It's possible to be in love with someone who is completely wrong for us. It actually happens quite frequently. It sounds like this guy is your "one that got away." You should recognize that just because of your feelings it does NOT mean that things would have gone well for you or that you two would have been compatible outside of an affair-type relationship. In fact given that he had other women while you were in your affair, he would likely cheat on you as well. Some people just (feel they) "need" multiple partners. He may be charming and so forth but it certainly sounds like he's not right for the monogamous relationship you probably wish you could have had with him. C'est la vie, count the blessings you DO have and move on. Edited October 5 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 20 minutes ago, Sutton said: Why do I need closure ?? Why do I miss him and think I’m missing out or the new fiancé is pretty better etc? Because you had feelings for him, but likely also because things still aren't great at home. In your heart of hearts, do you really want to stay married to your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 5 Author Share Posted October 5 38 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Because you had feelings for him, but likely also because things still aren't great at home. In your heart of hearts, do you really want to stay married to your husband? Yes. I know deep down that my AP used me and will probably do the same with his new finances. He cheated 3 times with his first wife. I felt invisible in my marriage and needed more from my husband. We have both come so far getting thru this and I have his forgiveness and understanding. I just wonder if my AP ever misses me ? Did he care at all ? I feel so used Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 5 Share Posted October 5 54 minutes ago, Sutton said: Yes. I know deep down that my AP used me and will probably do the same with his new finances. He cheated 3 times with his first wife. I felt invisible in my marriage and needed more from my husband. We have both come so far getting thru this and I have his forgiveness and understanding. I just wonder if my AP ever misses me ? Did he care at all ? I feel so used I cannot see how he used you - you were as much a participant in this as he was. You were both married. He got divorced relatively quickly and was ready to be with you. But you didn't support that by leaving your marriage in a timely manner. If he'd written a thread to us about that situation, we would have advised him to end it because lots of cheaters talk about leaving but never do. Given he has since met someone and is engaged, I'm sure he's moved on and rarely thinks of you. He's probably very happy that he found a new love who is able to start a life with him. It is on you now to work out why you're thinking of him when your focus should be on your husband. Are you in individual therapy? I suspect you need to start by questioning whether or not you really love your husband 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 6 Share Posted October 6 7 hours ago, Sutton said: Why do I need closure ?? Closure is the gift that you give yourself. You have more work to do. If you haven’t found a counsellor, you would be wise to find someone who can help you to deal with the things that you need to deal with to get right with yourself and your marriage. Once that happens, you won’t be thinking about your former affair partner anymore… 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 6 Share Posted October 6 Don’t you wonder if you really love your husband and are committed to the marriage? it doesn’t look like you respect your husband and it certainly doesn’t seem like you love him if you are pining over your affair person while pretending to work on the marriage. my best suggestion to to get honest with your husband. Then do a ton of long term individual therapy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
happyhorizons Posted October 6 Share Posted October 6 20 hours ago, mark clemson said: Our brains and emotions are strange and sometimes contradictory, and that can be as true in romance as it can be in other arenas. It's possible to be in love with someone who is completely wrong for us. It actually happens quite frequently. It sounds like this guy is your "one that got away." You should recognize that just because of your feelings it does NOT mean that things would have gone well for you or that you two would have been compatible outside of an affair-type relationship. In fact given that he had other women while you were in your affair, he would likely cheat on you as well. Some people just (feel they) "need" multiple partners. He may be charming and so forth but it certainly sounds like he's not right for the monogamous relationship you probably wish you could have had with him. C'est la vie, count the blessings you DO have and move on. What possible RUMORS could this clown spread? Sorry but he sounds like a TOOL Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 6 Share Posted October 6 (edited) Clearly lots of women find him attractive, regardless. I'm confused why you are quoting me to give your own opinion that has nothing to do with what I wrote. If you automatically hate people who cheat or something, I suppose that's fine, but no reason to quote me about it... Appreciate it if you quote OP or maybe say something relevant to what I wrote if you quote me. Thank you. Edited October 6 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 6 Share Posted October 6 23 hours ago, Sutton said: Now if I see him he looks right thru me and has also spread horrible rumors about me. He can look right through you because he did what you wouldn't do and that's divorce his wife and find the woman he's meant to be with. He's over you. What horrible rumors is he spreading about you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 6 Author Share Posted October 6 In full disclosure, he got a divorce because his wife found out about the two affairs he had prior to mine and also a sexual harassment claim against him as Chief of Police in our town. He was accused of and admittted to having sex with two women from his gym in the back of his city issued police vehicle. This was prior to my involvement with him and when I found out about it ( he only told me after he got caught) I was doubting having a life with him based on his not being truthful. He now tells anyone in town that we know that I am mentally unstable and that I harrassed him. No truth to that at all. Yes I made a mistake and I have owned that. I have been the bigger person and never said anything disparaging about him. I have also been truthful with my husband who is the person I am supposed to be with. Sometimes when you are in a crisis mode you think the grass is greener. It’s not and I thank God for that eveyday. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 6 Share Posted October 6 (edited) 27 minutes ago, Sutton said: This was prior to my involvement with him and when I found out about it ( he only told me after he got caught) I was doubting having a life with him based on his not being truthful. Yeah… not being truthful. That is the very least of his indiscretions. Let’s say a man does not tell you that he has previously beat a woman and put her in the hospital - do you doubt your relationship because he was not truthful with you about the event? Or, because he is a dangerous abuser? Do you see what I’m saying. Sexual harassment claim aside, I hope he lost his job because this is highly unprofessional. You should not only judge his truthfulness, you should seriously be concerned about the lack of judgment and anything resembling personal or professional ethics. This is a dangerous man. He shows little regard for his marriage, little regard for his job, and little regard for you - your feelings, your reputation, or your well being. This is a man to be avoided at all cost. On 10/5/2024 at 2:11 PM, Sutton said: two years have gone by and I still love my AP Please, if you haven’t found a counsellor, find yourself a counsellor because you have confused love with what is a very unhealthy attachment. Simple truth, a man who has four affairs during his marriage is not capable of having a committed, monogamous relationship. Had the woman who had the unfortunate distinction of wearing his ring not divorced him, he would still be cheating on her today… He is now single and ready to mingle… and very sadly, he has found another woman who has hitched her wagon to his - with time, he will drive her life into the ditch as well. Be very grateful that it’s not you. He has hurt you enough… Edited October 6 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 6 Author Share Posted October 6 Sadly he was not fired, placed on unpaid leave for six weeks. And resumed his job. I am seeing a counselor and learning that he did in fact use me. I think what bothers me is I tried to break it off four times and he kept coming back and my situation at home worsened as well. When he did dump me, it was two weeks after he said he wanted to marry me, but my house and have a new life together. I was his queen. Then he became cold and distant summoning me to his house and saying he no longer wanted to wait for me, didn’t want a secret relationship or wait for me and he had already started seeing someone else. I fell for all of it. And he never had the decency to even say sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 6 Share Posted October 6 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Sutton said: Sadly he was not fired, placed on unpaid leave for six weeks. And resumed his job. Sad. 25 minutes ago, Sutton said: I am seeing a counselor and learning that he did in fact use me. I’m glad that you are seeing a counsellor, hopefully she is telling you the following - People can’t use you without your consent. You knew that you were in an affair with a married man. You have some responsibility here… I read in your comments that you seem to have a bit of an external locus of control (vs. an internal locus of control). These things don’t happen to us - more often than not, we have more control than we sometimes want to admit - because then, we have to take responsibility for our decisions and our own pain. 25 minutes ago, Sutton said: I think what bothers me is I tried to break it off four times and he kept coming back A boundary is not his responsibility to enforce - it’s yours. If you were firm in your decision to break it off, it wouldn’t have mattered how many times he came back or what he said. You had a weak boundary, and that allowed him to come and go from your life. Ultimately, it was your decision to invite him in when he showed up at your door time and time again… 25 minutes ago, Sutton said: And he never had the decency to even say sorry. This is a man who has shown you that he has no problem hurting a woman. He has lied to his wife, he betrayed her trust and he was unfaithful to her. He has hurt her - for years. And yet you expect kindness, consideration, and decency from him? I’m not sure why… it was a little naive to think that he would treat you with honesty and respect when he has demonstrated - both is his relationship with his wife and his employer - that this is not who he is - I’m very sorry that this has happened to you. I’m sorry if my blunt delivery is hard to hear. I support you in continuing to challenge the fantasy that you have created about this man and this relationship… You are on the right road but you have more work to do. Best wishes. Edited October 6 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 6 Author Share Posted October 6 You are correct and I appreciate your honesty. I have learned that I am a people pleaser and didn’t stand firm in my boundaries. I take full responsibility for my actions and carry a very heavy coat of shame for what I did. Good people make mistakes. I thought I could change him. He discarded me like used gum. I was under the assumption we could remain friends and be pleasant since we are in the same town. But he has now chosen to try and spread horrible rumors about me. I think he fears I can expose him and maybe this time lose his job. Or he’s angry I’m trying to be better. Not sure what locus of control means. In less than two years he got a divorce from his wife of 28 years has had three girlfriends and now has a fiancé. Who I am sure knows nothing about his past. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 6 Share Posted October 6 (edited) 25 minutes ago, Sutton said: I take full responsibility for my actions and carry a very heavy coat of shame for what I did. Good people make mistakes. Good people do make mistakes - the only shame would be if you didn’t learn from this experience. An external locus of control means that one has the belief that bad things happen to them in life - they have no control. Ie. He kept coming back, I wanted to end it but he told me what I wanted to hear and that was the reason why I was hurt. Someone who has an internal locus of control has the belief that they have control over their own decisions and their own life. Ie. I had the choice to believe his words and let him back into my life when he appeared at the door or to ask him to leave, it was my decision that brought me here. 25 minutes ago, Sutton said: I am a people pleaser and didn’t stand firm in my boundaries. I thought I could change him. He discarded me like used gum. These are the lessons that you were meant to learn. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but you need to show better judgment and be more discriminating in choosing who you let into your life, you need to enforce stronger boundaries, and you need to understand that one does not change their character - you were never going to change him. 25 minutes ago, Sutton said: I was under the assumption we could remain friends and be pleasant since we are in the same town. He has shown you that this is not who he is - best to keep a wide berth from him. He is not to be trusted. 25 minutes ago, Sutton said: I think he fears I can expose him and maybe this time lose his job. In less than two years he got a divorce from his wife of 28 years has had three girlfriends and now has a fiancé. Who I am sure knows nothing about his past. You would think if he was concerned about his reputation or the security of his new relationship or his job he would want to avoid you so that you would stay quiet. That doesn’t seem to be the case. It seems to me that he believes himself to be untouchable - and that makes him dangerous. He is vengeful and unrepentant, I would stay far away with the hope that he moves on with his life and forgets about you. It’s not so much a matter of taking the high road - that is emotional reasoning. This is a matter of protecting yourself from a man who wants to hurt you… Edited October 6 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 6 Share Posted October 6 On 10/5/2024 at 1:22 PM, Sutton said: Yes. I know deep down that my AP used me and will probably do the same with his new finances. He cheated 3 times with his first wife. I felt invisible in my marriage and needed more from my husband. We have both come so far getting thru this and I have his forgiveness and understanding. I just wonder if my AP ever misses me ? Did he care at all ? I feel so used You used him. You also used him to cause harm to your marriage instead of just divorcing your husband. own the way YOU participated (and still continue to participate). You, even now - are causing even more harm to your marriage by pretending to do the work when you aren’t all in! you get what you give! You are still giving more energy to thinking about your affair partner than your husband. quit pretending (a form of lying) and be honest with your husband! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 6 Author Share Posted October 6 I never wanted a divorce to begin with. That’s the funny part. I would come home from being with the AP and be what the f*** am I doing? It’s all on me not my husband. He knows everything even that I still have thoughts about what I did. He is committed to me and helping me get thru this which is HUGE and not the typical outcome. you are 100 percent correct. My affair partner is to be avoided at all costs. Whatever he tries to say about me or make up- let him. He’s trying to deflect from his own behavior. If I could change what I did I would. Yes and super naive to think that he would be considerate. Whomever he is with now will find out what he’s truly like. But none of that is my business. How he appears to others and the role that he has as Police Chief is everything to him. He’s probably lied to the finance about his divorce too. Very dangerous and thank you for your insights. They have been very helpful 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 6 Author Share Posted October 6 And to reply to mark clemson - I am new to this sight and not sure what you meant by me quoting you. If I did it was a mistake. Please read thru the threads and respond if you would like. Apologies for any confusion, I am not technical nor am I familiar with this sight Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 This is so backwards! Your husband is the one who is betrayed! HE shouldn’t have to be in a position to help YOU through this! YOU should be doing ALL the work to help HIM! and the amount of time you spend focused talking about your OM shows you aren’t really committed to honoring your husband. you are STILL disrespecting him. And you certainly aren’t doing what is necessary to earn the trust back while you are hyper focused still on the OM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 (edited) On 10/6/2024 at 3:11 AM, Sutton said: two years have gone by and I still love my AP So you love your AP and you don’t love your husband. I think that instead of torturing yourself over the appalling, toxic behavior of your AP, you might want to focus on yourself and what causes you to fall for such men so deeply and so irrationally. Perhaps you could set your husband free. You’re saying that he forgave you and even helped you through your emotional turmoil. But you don’t love him, you still love your AP. Is your husband even aware of that? If he is, and he is still willing to forgive you and to keep being together with you, then there is something very wrong with the whole attitude to love and relationship here. No sane man who loves his partner would accept that the partner loves another man. Edited October 7 by Gebidozo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 I'm having trouble understanding so much of this. You talk about how you still love him and miss him....whether he still thinks of you. Then you write about his appalling behaviour towards you and others. How do you reconcile this conflict in your description? I also think you're being over dramatic by saying that he used you when you were a willing participant. And he didn't throw you away like 'used gum' - he ended his relationship with you. The only victim in all of this is your husband 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 7 Author Share Posted October 7 My husband and I are both working on our selves and marriage and I am very lucky that I still have him and I do love him. I believe now the “love” for the OM isnt truly love. It’s a need for closure on my end that would be actually polite and decent. But in a way I got closure. My marriage imploded, the OM dumped me as soon as he had his divorce after cheating not only with me but 3 other women, and he found new supply. I served his purpose and clearly I was wrong thinking I meant anything to him. And full disclosure, time is spent on my part thinking about the affair and WHY I did what I did how to never do it again and how I could be so stupid to think the OM really meant alllll those things and what he so called promised. the position I am in emotionally is torture everyday. Also before you all judge please read all the threads - Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 1 hour ago, Sutton said: And full disclosure, time is spent on my part thinking about the affair and WHY I did what I did how to never do it again and how I could be so stupid to think the OM really meant alllll those things and what he so called promised. selfish as to go lying and cheating on my husband who loved me. I realise now that I deserve all of what happened to me, but my husband really deserves so much better. Fixed it for you ^ Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 (edited) 2 hours ago, Sutton said: It’s a need for closure on my end that would be actually polite and decent. You are waiting for something that you are not going to get. In much the same that that you couldn’t change his character, you have no control over whether he will provide the “closure” that you want in the way that you want to receive it. He has clearly demonstrated that he is not going to provide the closure that you seek. In fact, he has demonstrated the absolute opposite - he knows what you want from him and it gives him a thrill to hurt you. That has been his supply as much as the attention and adoration of an affair partner has been his supply. You now need to accept that for what it is. THAT is your closure. 2 hours ago, Sutton said: the MM dumped me and he found new supply. I served his purpose and clearly I was wrong thinking I meant anything to him. This is the reality of the situation - it was all about him. You were a pawn in the game that this man has been playing - your feelings matter less than his… he has demonstrated this to you in so many ways. Does it hurt? Yes. But - if you want a partner that is concerned with your feelings and treats you with respect and decency… you will need to pick someone better than a married man who has had multiple affair partners and has clearly demonstrated to you that his needs and his feelings are the only thing that matter to him. Lesson learned. Edited October 7 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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