Still missing AP after 2 years

[mark clemson]

OP, you might research the concept of internal (vs external) locus of identity. Some people with an internal locus of identity may have a hard time understanding how people with an external locus of identity experience things. Generally being aware of such things can help make one more self-aware and able to see where someone else may be coming from.

At any rate though, however sad you may feel about it, TBQH and from everything you wrote, it really doesn't seem like this particular man was sincere in his feelings or words towards you, unfortunately.

Edited October 10, 2024 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

On 10/6/2024 at 3:14 PM, Sutton said:

He now tells anyone in town that we know that I am mentally unstable and that I harrassed him

This is the excuse all married men who are serial cheaters tell their wives, employers and friends when caught in or after the affair with another woman.  People know the rumors about him, so he isn't making himself look good by saying those things about you.  However, now you have a reputation around town of being a cheating wife.  It's good you told your husband so he will know how to handle it if someone tells him what was said by the OM.  This will put any woman who has an interest in your husband on alert that they should go for him because he's married to a cheater.

[stillafool]

On 10/6/2024 at 3:14 PM, Sutton said:

In full disclosure, he got a divorce because his wife found out about the two affairs he had prior to mine and also a sexual harassment claim against him as Chief of Police in our town. He was accused of and admittted to having sex with two women from his gym in the back of his city issued police vehicle. This was prior to my involvement with him and when I found out about it ( he only told me after he got caught) I was doubting having a life with him based on his not being truthful.

Personally after finding this out about this man even before getting involved I'm surprised you would touch him with a 10 ft. pole.  He sounds sleazy as hell.  

[BreakOnThrough]

If you weren't still emotionally invested, you wouldn't care, let your husband go, he deserves better.

[Sutton]

You are 100 percent correct and I am working on that.

i think I am searching for other insights as to how did I miss the red flags ? And did the OM have red flags ? All I’m doing by posting here is asking for help and insights into the OM behavior and why I felt I could either change him and why I tolerated it and how to change that 

[Sutton]

I agree. When he had to tell

me about his other affairs it wasn’t out of full disclosure it was because he got caught, with another policeman’s wife, one of many women. 
and I tried to break it off multiple times as I’ve said in other posts. I think I am posting here just to seek advice as to the OM true personality and why was I sucked in so badly.

i am living in shame hell and deserve it all. I am just trying to dissect the red flags that I missed and need help with that. 

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, Sutton said:

why was I sucked in so badly.

I imagine that the reason you were sucked in so badly was because you were miserable in your marriage and he told you the things you wanted to hear

[Gebidozo]

17 minutes ago, Sutton said:

I think I am posting here just to seek advice as to the OM true personality and why was I sucked in so badly.

The consensus is that the OM’s true personality can be accurately described as “lying, cheating, manipulating, sleazy, mean, petty, vengeful, delusional douchebag”. 

As for why you were sucked in so badly, the answer is simple. You lack self-respect and are therefore attracted to men who don’t respect you. Basically, in spite of your defensive tone in the thread, it is clear that deep down you don’t love yourself much.

Your mistake is that you are confusing your actions with your essence. There is a wise Christian saying that goes, “Hate the sin, but love the sinner”. This advice on how to be moral yet tolerant and understanding also applies to our relationship with ourselves.

Based on what I’ve read from you so far, you don’t “hate your sin” enough. The first step to true remorse is assuming full responsibility, but you keep shifting the blame onto the OM. I know you say that you did a terrible thing, but I don’t think you truly feel this way. It seems that you’re still thinking of that as “a terrible thing that has happened to me”.

On the other hand, you also don’t “love the sinner” enough. If you loved yourself more, you’d never let this pathetic excuse for a man to even touch you, let alone prolong the affair and still obsessing with him after two years. If you loved and respected yourself as a free individual, image of God, one who acts out of her own free will and cannot be “made” to do anything or be anything, things would have been different.

Edited October 11, 2024 by Gebidozo

[BaileyB]

34 minutes ago, Sutton said:

I am just trying to dissect the red flags that I missed

Gebidozo has hit the nail on the head.

In terms of your previous question, than answer is fairly obvious… the red flag was the fact that the man was married and having sex with his coworker’s wife - among others. Why you didn’t run when he disclosed that information to you is difficult to comprehend… but, you didn’t. You didn’t run because you were miserable in your marriage and you wanted to believe what he was telling you - you still want to be believe what he has told you. And, the reason why you want so desperately to believe his words is because you don’t love the sinner, as was so eloquently said above… If you had more self respect, if you loved yourself rather than seeking love and validation from men, you would have crossed the street when you saw this married man coming… He told you before you even got together that he was trouble with a capital “T.”

Edited October 11, 2024 by BaileyB

[Sutton]

No defensive tone- I apologize if that’s how it came across- more a searching for what I missed- red flags- how I can better myself and love myself more- all who stated that 100 percent correct - but also a bit of frustration that I am still searching for answers. Therapy helps but also I am a thinker and fixer but also kind of have to dissect the problem, and then fix it. 
I did not see a side of the OM except what he showed me which during that time was he basically said all the right things. But also, knowing what I knew and but feeling like my brain was split- knowing I was horrible and wrong and the sinner- yet thinking, ok besides this one transgression, I have never even gotten a parking ticket- why did I think I was different and could change him. 
Also in full disclosure, I wasn’t unhappy with my marriage. And if my husband were here rn he would say he knew I was cheating, knew I was suffering and was trying to help me figure myself out. That’s true love to me. Yes was he angry- enraged- especially since the OM was supposedly his friend- also the other man’s role as Chief of Police- my thoughts and my husbands too were looking back- great guy- position of power but very humble, nice helpful etc etc- I know now there was another person there. So I k ow the consensus form most replying is I need more work and I thank you for that and will do that. No more energy to the OM 

From a therapists viewpoint or anyone replying that has background in this- was he narcissistic?!?! Or just a friggin scum bag who I fell for 
 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Sutton said:

how did I miss the red flags ?

Williful blindness. You found out whar he was about. And you didn't do anything but support him. You didn't miss anything. You just didn't want to believe it. 

50 minutes ago, Sutton said:

And if my husband were here rn he would say he knew I was cheating, knew I was suffering and was trying to help me figure myself out. That’s true love to me.

What I see is a man with who was desperately trying to hang on to you despite your red flags - just like you tried to do with MM despite knowing he had behaved terribly. That speaks more to a shattered soul than true love. 

57 minutes ago, Sutton said:

was he narcissistic?!?!

Ask yourself this: why is this such an important question for you? 

 

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Sutton said:

You are 100 percent correct and I am working on that.

i think I am searching for other insights as to how did I miss the red flags ? And did the OM have red flags ? All I’m doing by posting here is asking for help and insights into the OM behavior and why I felt I could either change him and why I tolerated it and how to change that 

Red flags?  You've mentioned nothing but red flags that were flying with lights and glitter all through this thread.  You didn't miss any red flags you just chose to ignore them because you wanted him.  Still, you are asking for insight into the OM's behavior instead of what you can do to reconnect with your husband and put this affair behind you.  You would do better to try to divert your thoughts to your husband when OM pops into your mind. Thinking and talking about him will keep you stuck.  I'm curious, what is your therapist telling you.

[Sutton]

I agree with all posts. I am no victim- did it to myself. 

[Gebidozo]

4 hours ago, Sutton said:

From a therapists viewpoint or anyone replying that has background in this- was he narcissistic?!?! Or just a friggin scum bag who I fell for 

And yet again, in spite of our advices, you’re asking questions about the OM.

You’re missing the entire point of what different people are telling you in this thread. The whole idea is to stop talking, worrying, analyzing, thinking about the OM. Yet you keep doing just that.

On a side note, I generally don’t understand the desire to put labels on exes. Suppose a therapist gives you an official confirmation that he was narcissistic. How is that different from him being a scumbag? Maybe he was a narcissistic scumbag. Who cares?

 

[Sutton]

My therapists- I have two both say:

He was a compulsive liar with narcissistic tendencies and used his position as Chief of Police to be charming and appear to be a man of true character. When I pushed back at him about his past affairs and negative behavior towards me, he lashes out by making me the problem and blaming his behavior on the fact that his wife didn’t love him the right way and life was short and he wanted to find someone to love him properly. I cracked his ego and he didn’t like it- hence the awful breakup and his since attempts to smear me even more.

Both therapists also say I have to love myself, forgive myself, and move on. I am lucky to be married to the man I have because he is willing to help me heal from what past traumas I have never dealt with. 
 

Both also say the OMs behavior won’t ever change no matter who he finds to marry again. 

 

[Sutton]

And it’s true who cares about the narcissist whatever- scumbag for sure and well beneath me. One of my therapists said to picture him as gum on the bottom of my shoe 

[Gebidozo]

9 minutes ago, Sutton said:

And it’s true who cares about the narcissist whatever- scumbag for sure and well beneath me. One of my therapists said to picture him as gum on the bottom of my shoe 

Really? I think it’s pretty terrible to compare a human being with gum on the bottom of a shoe.

Also, I don’t think any person should consider another person “beneath” themselves. There is pride in this kind of thinking.

I don’t understand your need to compare yourself to that man and to convince yourself that you’re “better” than him. This shouldn’t be your goal at all. Your goal is to forget about that man, not to think about him at all, and start working on yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why the deseprate need to make him into the bad guy of this story, OP? 

 

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Sutton said:

I think I am posting here just to seek advice as to the OM true personality and why was I sucked in so badly.

Women can be attracted to different things. Despite the "moral misgivings" and his later words and actions, as chief of police and with multiple women being willing to be his romantic partners, it's clear he's a man with "alpha traits" which SOME women can find quite attractive. 

He is both "good guy" (as chief of police) and "bad boy" (in his personal dealings) which are both things women can sometimes find attractive and generate their romantic interest. Beyond that you've probably emotionally bonded with him during your affair. That will fade over time, hopefully after 2 years you are near the end of it.

Edited October 11, 2024 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

As to his "true personality,"  I'm not entirely sure what that means, but his behaviors towards you, the rumor mongering, his quick reversals romantically, etc, tell you all you need to know WRT where things stand between you and him. You quickly went from being a positive to a "potential problem" in his book and he acted quickly and without much regard for you.

I don't think he is "romantically sincere" towards you OR IF he was at one point, he is the type of person who can swiftly change in their emotions/thought processes in that area. He did not "bond" with you the way you apparently did with him.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Sutton said:

My therapists- I have two both say:

He was a compulsive liar with narcissistic tendencies and used his position as Chief of Police to be charming and appear to be a man of true character. When I pushed back at him about his past affairs and negative behavior towards me, he lashes out by making me the problem and blaming his behavior on the fact that his wife didn’t love him the right way and life was short and he wanted to find someone to love him properly. I cracked his ego and he didn’t like it- hence the awful breakup and his since attempts to smear me even more.

Both therapists also say I have to love myself, forgive myself, and move on. I am lucky to be married to the man I have because he is willing to help me heal from what past traumas I have never dealt with. 
 

Both also say the OMs behavior won’t ever change no matter who he finds to marry again. 

 

KIndly, neither therapist has met him.  I don't think it's ethical to go diagnosing someone who they've never met or interviewed.

Does either therapist talk about you taking responsibility for your own actions?   Because from what I read, you're still hellbent on blaming him rather than reviewing your own contribution to this mess

Edited October 11, 2024 by basil67

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Sutton said:

Also in full disclosure, I wasn’t unhappy with my marriage. And if my husband were here rn he would say he knew I was cheating, knew I was suffering and was trying to help me figure myself out.

If you were not unhappy in your marriage, what was your reason for engaging in an extramarital affair? 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Sutton said:

Also in full disclosure, I wasn’t unhappy with my marriage.

You've written two highly conflicting reports of your marriage.   Are you sugarcoating how bad it really was?  Or is the quote below fictional?

"My husband was not treating me well and I had begged him to change his behavior or get help.. this went on for two years.. he was going thru his own issues with his career and truly if you asked him today- he was not hearing me and I felt invisible."

[Sutton]

Not fictional at all. Truly a very very rough time. I was also recovering from back to back spinal fusion surgeries. Nothing here is fictional.

i never intended to have an affair. I knew the OM and had started a foundation for our local police during Covid- the OM was who I dealt with in the department for the foundation. 
 
My situation at home was difficult. Never intended to leave it just was confused how to fix it. The OM and I spent long periods of time together with the foundation and became close. Unbeknownst to me at that time he was engaging in an affair with another officers wife. I had zero clue.

One therapist actually had met the OM- by pure coincidence, she is the therapist for our county’s first responders. 
 

I took full responsibility for my actions Ben before going to either therapist. I sat my husband down and told him all the facts. 
I knew it was wrong all along but some part of me didn’t I guess. 

[Sutton]

A cliche probably but as I just stated, never started out that way. As my situation at home worsened I felt alone and the OM had been my friend. That’s when I shared what was going on with him at home one day when I was quite upset.