Still missing AP after 2 years

[Sutton]

You nailed it … I care. I cared about his feelings

even when he told me he’d cheated before. I thought I was different or special. I wasn’t, I was just a woman he lied to and used. That makes it all even worse. To think I damaged my own marriage and my good husband to feel this way every day. While he now has someone new who is clearly better than me ?!? Or makes me feel less than because he dumped me. And funnily enough, as I said I knew it was wrong and that I wanted my marriage. It’s almost like I wish he could suffer the way I am right now. It’s horrible 

[Georgia46]

So you need to work on you, concentrating on yourself and trying to stop wondering about if he’ll change/ what women think of him. 

it’s harder said than done but out of sight out of mind, make sure he’s blocked and off social media. 
 

then it’s just baby steps until you feel better again.

 

 

[Sutton]

Oh I did all that day one. The problem is he is the Chief of Police in our town. Some of my closest friends are officers. It’s like I can’t get away from it. I can sometimes pass him on the street multiple times a day/week- he looks right thru me. He’s also had two sexual harassment claims made against him from other women, women I found out he was having sex with in his car after meeting them at his gym. All while seeing me and promising me the world. It’s like I am carrying all the pain and shame and he is not accountable- meets another woman and proposes to her. Not even two years after asking me to marry him. 

[Gaeta]

Why do you know so much about him? This is destructive. When people start telling you about his business stop them and say you don't want to know. 

I would be so firm on this no one would dare talk to me about him. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Sutton said:

he now has someone new who is clearly better than me ?!? Or makes me feel less than because he dumped me.

She is only better than you and you only feel “less than” if you allow it. 

It’s entirely your decision. Either you decide that you are worth more than this or you don’t. 

The only power he has over you is whatever you decide to give him/them.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Sutton said:

You nailed it … I care. I cared about his feelings

You cared about his feeling when you shouldn’t have - he cares only about himself. And the man that you should care about is your husband. 

The other thing you care about is what he thinks/feels for you. You want the validation. You want him to tell you that you matter. You matter to him. That your feelings are important - you want to hear him tell you that he is sorry that he hurt your feelings. That he really wanted to be with you. 

Your need for validation is also evident in the comments about the other woman - she must be better than me. He must like her more. He chose to be with her. I am less than her - 

You care about his feelings but more than that. His rejection hurts - both the feelings and the self confidence. 

[Sutton]

I’ve tried to take the higher road. He is also now spreading horrible rumors about me. I just wanted a peaceful closer to the whole thing and try to remain civil but it’s been very hard and triggering 

[Sutton]

I am showing my husband every day how grateful I am for him and our marriage. 
The rejection has been almost

life threatening for me 

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, Sutton said:

I am showing my husband every day how grateful I am for him and our marriage. 
The rejection has been almost

life threatening for me 

What, exactly, do you believe is the most ideal outcome of this that would help you to heal?

[Georgia46]

14 hours ago, Sutton said:

Oh I did all that day one. The problem is he is the Chief of Police in our town. Some of my closest friends are officers. It’s like I can’t get away from it. I can sometimes pass him on the street multiple times a day/week- he looks right thru me. He’s also had two sexual harassment claims made against him from other women, women I found out he was having sex with in his car after meeting them at his gym. All while seeing me and promising me the world. It’s like I am carrying all the pain and shame and he is not accountable- meets another woman and proposes to her. Not even two years after asking me to marry him. 

Unfortunately he sounds like a player and he messed you about.   It’s heartbreaking, to find out you wasted all your feelings and time on someone like this.  

[Sutton]

I will try and give you some background on the relationship to see why I come to the conclusion- probably wrong- that I do-

This affair went on for almost two years. 
My husband was not treating me well and I had begged him to change his behavior or get help.. this went on for two years.. he was going thru his own issues with his career and truly if you asked him today- he was not hearing me and I felt invisible.

This lead me to the OM- whom I had known for awhile as a friend and first responder to my house from a first marriage that was abusive.

We had been friends. That led to the relationship going further- my mindset was- it made me happy to be with the OM and hear allll the wonderful things he said to be about me etc- tha attention- it also made me happier at home where my husband was difficult and drinking too much. 
The other man then got caught cheating by his wife with a woman before me- he had to come clean to me that he had a previous relationship and had lied to me about it- I had asked him if he had ever cheated before. He said, but he and his then wife were just friends and planning to divorce after their youngest went to school. 
At that point, I stopped seeing him. And felt relief and also had evidence he wasn’t a good person.

Fast forward to a few months later, my husband was worse at home , the OM was pursuing me.. I was resisting- then the OM was accused of sexual harassment by two women at his gym who claimed he pressured them to have sex with him in his police vehicle ( he is the Chief of Police ) - he was put on leave while being investigated and his wife than filed for divorce. Instead of running for the hills then and fixing my marriage I supported him and helped him thru the time of leave- after he came back to work he told me he was getting divorced, wanted to spend his life with me and wanted me to move faster- this pressure went on for months but something was telling me to stay with my husband- I didnt want to hurt the OM feelings because I thought I loved him by telling him to please go ahead and find someone- I am still married. He kept pressuring and I felt I needed a plan B- home life was bad. At this point I had an small stroke due to the stress of the situation.

The OM dumped me two days later- told me I was toxic and mentally unbalanced and full of red flags-, however I found out that he had already started seeing someone else-refused to speak to me and continues to treat me as if I don’t exist- he is now engaged to someone else -

I think I needed him to say he was wrong and sorry and that I was beautiful and good and he made a mistake. THEN I could’ve said, I am to good for you. Instead I begged and pleaded and had a breakdown. Now I have to pick up my pieces. I feel like he got away with something and now can be happy and he literally left me in pieces.

My husband knows everything, knew everything and was waiting for me to come back to him. He explained his behavior as his reaction to knowing he was losing me. I told him I felt like he wasn’t fighting for me . Neither man was. I guess I wanted to feel like I was worth fighting for.

perhaps I’m not.

[Sutton]

Does his behavior sound bad ? Like he’s a serial womanizer or narcissist?

yes I have been in turmoil for two years and completely broke mentally. 
 

I have never even had a parking ticket let alone had an affair. I just don’t know how I got here. And it does tbh make me angry that he moves on and takes no accountability for his actions. 

[Leihla_B]

I wouldn't worry about the rumors. Think back on all the gossip you've heard over your lifetime about other people. It's pretty difficult to do, because you can't really recall. And you can't remember because none of it stuck with you, because it didn't matter to you beyond your next sip of wine.

Whenever someone speaks badly of another, it reflects on them, not the person. The people who know you either like you based on your own merits, or not. Some blowhard with a bad reputation isn't even credible, and anyone who knows him knows that.

[BaileyB]

It sounds to me that you have a history of unhealthy relationships - not one, not two, but three unhealthy relationships.

It also sounds to me that you are looking to these men for validation.

And you continue to post - a new thread, more of the background, because you are not getting the validation that you want from the posters here. I’m not saying this as a criticism, just an observation. You can continue to ask the same question, offering more information as you go, and the response from posters is going to be more of the same…

You made a very poor decision. There is literally no way to justify the decision to cheat on your husband with a man who was waving so many red flags, you should have seen him coming a mile down the road… If your husband was not a healthy partner for you, the better decision would have been to separate - it may in fact still be the better decision to separate. 

The only person who can offer the validation that you seek is you. The man who “fights for you” should not be the winner. That’s not an emotionally healthy way to choose or be in a relationship. You need to know that you are worthy - regardless of whether a man chooses to be with you.

You have asked the same question in several different ways  - 

1 hour ago, Sutton said:

I guess I wanted to feel like I was worth fighting for.

perhaps I’m not.

Perhaps, I’m not worthy. Perhaps, I’m not enough. 

Perhaps, you need to stop assessing your worth by the fact that your truly awful affair partner chose another woman over you. 

Perhaps, you need to love yourself.
 

Edited October 8, 2024 by BaileyB

[Sutton]

You’re so right. Thank you so much. 

[Sutton]

You are correct. 

[Bryanp]

It sounds like you have a very special husband. Count your blessings.

Good luck.

[Sutton]

But I’m also not posting more info to get validation per se it’s to get help and advice. So the OMs behavior was full of red flags ? I was used ? Everything he said was a lie ? 
I feel I am a good person who made a mistake and clearly needs to work on myself, I think giving more information helps others to see how I fell into the hole I’m trying to get out of. 
Also, is it so rare that someone hurts me that I thought I had feelings for, I now know my feelings were not real, I was hurting.. he wasn’t .. very easy for him to use and dump me- perhaps that was more red flags. 
Also being naive I suppose to try and end a relationship or whatever it was on a positive note since we both live in the same town. However that seems impossible since he is bent on spreading rumors about me. I have not said anything at all let alone bad or lies. 

[MsJayne]

You're angry because he appears to have found happiness, but I doubt he has so don't let it eat at you. That woman he's marrying, you should be grateful every day that it's not you, because he'll make her very unhappy. 

[Sutton]

Yes and also angry because he treated me horribly at the end and kind of discarded me. He had told me multiple times he would never hurt me or leave me. And he did.

If he’s happy great, but please recognize the destruction you’re behavior caused to someone that you supposedly loved.

[stillafool]

55 minutes ago, Sutton said:

If he’s happy great, but please recognize the destruction you’re behavior caused to someone that you supposedly loved.

I imagine your husband could say the same about you if he knew you were having an affair with this guy while married to him.   So, if you've now changed and realized you love your husband and not this man then perhaps, he has met the woman he loves and has changed and will do better.  I agree to forget about any rumors because people usually forget or half believe things they don't see with their own eyes.  Just hope no rumors get back to your husband.

[Sutton]

My husband knows everything- including rumors. He has chosen to work on us as he has recognized he played a part in my infidelity by his actions at that time as well. He even called the OM and his wife at the time. 
I do love my husband and will probably suffer with shame for the rest of my life. 
If the OM has found his happy great, however I’m guessing his now finance does not know about his past infidelities based on his behavior pattern and position of power as a law enforcement officer. 

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Sutton said:

I do love my husband and will probably suffer with shame for the rest of my life. 
If the OM has found his happy great, however I’m guessing his now finance does not know about his past infidelities based on his behavior pattern and position of power as a law enforcement officer. 

It's good that your husband knows it all and if he's forgiven you then let the shame die.  You know you will never make the choice to have an affair again.  I wouldn't worry about, nor care what the other man is telling his now fiancé as that is their business and it will keep your thoughts on them rather than your husband and your lives.

[Sutton]

You are correct and I appreciate your insights and help. 

[Sutton]

Making someone feel even worse about their situation is mean. 
I am aware of my shortcomings and are working on many.

Men are not the enemy. I am my own enemy 

Perhaps practicing empathy before responding would be kinder.