BaileyB Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 Your story remind me of my experience in middle school. My childhood best friend got “in” in with the “cool” girls and together, the three of them made my life miserable for a year or two. Every day, I would come home and cry to my mom - “Why does she not want to be my friend anymore? Who are they so mean?” And my mom’s answer was always the same - “She has made her decision and you need to accept that. Ignore them. Find some new friends, invest in other relationships. It will get better.” But the simple truth was - I cared - and that is what allowed them to hurt me. That was their intention. It was their entire purpose at that time. You need to get to the point where do you don’t care - that is when the hurt will stop. Until then, he has you right where he wants you. But, in order to stop caring, you will need to let go of the fantasy that you created about this man and this relationship… the fantasy that you still hold even if now it only exists in the way that you want to hear from him that you mattered, that he is sorry that he hurt you and that he still thinks of you. Rather than pining for something that you are not going to get, you would be wise to turn the focus to yourself and figure out why you ignored all the red flags and went all-in to this relationship. And as others have said, you need to figure out what this means for your marriage. Your husband didn’t deserve this. If you stay in the marriage, he deserves a safe partner - one who he can trust, someone who will treat him with respect, decency, and kindness. In short - all the things that you long for and are not getting from your affair partner… think about how desperate and depressed that makes you feel. And then, consider the situation your husband’s point of view. I hope you can turn this around. Keep working, you are trying to find your way out of this affair fog but you have a ways to go yet. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 7 Author Share Posted October 7 After a two year affair, I still have so much shame and feelings of self loathing. The person I cheated with is now divorced and getting married again. I stayed in my marriage thank God but still working thru a lot to make it better. The OP cheated with others prior to me and has had 2 relationships in less than two years and is now engaged. Why do I feel angry ? Do these women know his past ?? Will he change ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 Do you still want to be with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 7 Author Share Posted October 7 No. I wouldn’t be able to trust him. He was also horrible when we split and has since then spread horrible rumors about me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 7 Author Share Posted October 7 You nailed it … I care. I cared about his feelings even when he told me he’d cheated before. I thought I was different or special. I wasn’t, I was just a woman he lied to and used. That makes it all even worse. To think I damaged my own marriage and my good husband to feel this way every day. While he now has someone new who is clearly better than me ?!? Or makes me feel less than because he dumped me. And funnily enough, as I said I knew it was wrong and that I wanted my marriage. It’s almost like I wish he could suffer the way I am right now. It’s horrible Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 So you need to work on you, concentrating on yourself and trying to stop wondering about if he’ll change/ what women think of him. it’s harder said than done but out of sight out of mind, make sure he’s blocked and off social media. then it’s just baby steps until you feel better again. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 7 Author Share Posted October 7 Oh I did all that day one. The problem is he is the Chief of Police in our town. Some of my closest friends are officers. It’s like I can’t get away from it. I can sometimes pass him on the street multiple times a day/week- he looks right thru me. He’s also had two sexual harassment claims made against him from other women, women I found out he was having sex with in his car after meeting them at his gym. All while seeing me and promising me the world. It’s like I am carrying all the pain and shame and he is not accountable- meets another woman and proposes to her. Not even two years after asking me to marry him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 Why do you know so much about him? This is destructive. When people start telling you about his business stop them and say you don't want to know. I would be so firm on this no one would dare talk to me about him. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 1 hour ago, Sutton said: he now has someone new who is clearly better than me ?!? Or makes me feel less than because he dumped me. She is only better than you and you only feel “less than” if you allow it. It’s entirely your decision. Either you decide that you are worth more than this or you don’t. The only power he has over you is whatever you decide to give him/them. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 1 hour ago, Sutton said: You nailed it … I care. I cared about his feelings You cared about his feeling when you shouldn’t have - he cares only about himself. And the man that you should care about is your husband. The other thing you care about is what he thinks/feels for you. You want the validation. You want him to tell you that you matter. You matter to him. That your feelings are important - you want to hear him tell you that he is sorry that he hurt your feelings. That he really wanted to be with you. Your need for validation is also evident in the comments about the other woman - she must be better than me. He must like her more. He chose to be with her. I am less than her - You care about his feelings but more than that. His rejection hurts - both the feelings and the self confidence. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 7 Share Posted October 7 The grass is ONLY greener where YOU water it! ficus only and mainly on your husband. Only put thought and energy in him! start doing things that prove you are thinking of only him. actions. Hand him peace of mind on a silver platter if you want to set things right for him. You owe him that if you intend to make the marriage work! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 8 Author Share Posted October 8 I’ve tried to take the higher road. He is also now spreading horrible rumors about me. I just wanted a peaceful closer to the whole thing and try to remain civil but it’s been very hard and triggering Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 8 Author Share Posted October 8 I am showing my husband every day how grateful I am for him and our marriage. The rejection has been almost life threatening for me Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 8 Share Posted October 8 1 hour ago, Sutton said: I am showing my husband every day how grateful I am for him and our marriage. The rejection has been almost life threatening for me What, exactly, do you believe is the most ideal outcome of this that would help you to heal? Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted October 8 Share Posted October 8 14 hours ago, Sutton said: Oh I did all that day one. The problem is he is the Chief of Police in our town. Some of my closest friends are officers. It’s like I can’t get away from it. I can sometimes pass him on the street multiple times a day/week- he looks right thru me. He’s also had two sexual harassment claims made against him from other women, women I found out he was having sex with in his car after meeting them at his gym. All while seeing me and promising me the world. It’s like I am carrying all the pain and shame and he is not accountable- meets another woman and proposes to her. Not even two years after asking me to marry him. Unfortunately he sounds like a player and he messed you about. It’s heartbreaking, to find out you wasted all your feelings and time on someone like this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 8 Author Share Posted October 8 I will try and give you some background on the relationship to see why I come to the conclusion- probably wrong- that I do- This affair went on for almost two years. My husband was not treating me well and I had begged him to change his behavior or get help.. this went on for two years.. he was going thru his own issues with his career and truly if you asked him today- he was not hearing me and I felt invisible. This lead me to the OM- whom I had known for awhile as a friend and first responder to my house from a first marriage that was abusive. We had been friends. That led to the relationship going further- my mindset was- it made me happy to be with the OM and hear allll the wonderful things he said to be about me etc- tha attention- it also made me happier at home where my husband was difficult and drinking too much. The other man then got caught cheating by his wife with a woman before me- he had to come clean to me that he had a previous relationship and had lied to me about it- I had asked him if he had ever cheated before. He said, but he and his then wife were just friends and planning to divorce after their youngest went to school. At that point, I stopped seeing him. And felt relief and also had evidence he wasn’t a good person. Fast forward to a few months later, my husband was worse at home , the OM was pursuing me.. I was resisting- then the OM was accused of sexual harassment by two women at his gym who claimed he pressured them to have sex with him in his police vehicle ( he is the Chief of Police ) - he was put on leave while being investigated and his wife than filed for divorce. Instead of running for the hills then and fixing my marriage I supported him and helped him thru the time of leave- after he came back to work he told me he was getting divorced, wanted to spend his life with me and wanted me to move faster- this pressure went on for months but something was telling me to stay with my husband- I didnt want to hurt the OM feelings because I thought I loved him by telling him to please go ahead and find someone- I am still married. He kept pressuring and I felt I needed a plan B- home life was bad. At this point I had an small stroke due to the stress of the situation. The OM dumped me two days later- told me I was toxic and mentally unbalanced and full of red flags-, however I found out that he had already started seeing someone else-refused to speak to me and continues to treat me as if I don’t exist- he is now engaged to someone else - I think I needed him to say he was wrong and sorry and that I was beautiful and good and he made a mistake. THEN I could’ve said, I am to good for you. Instead I begged and pleaded and had a breakdown. Now I have to pick up my pieces. I feel like he got away with something and now can be happy and he literally left me in pieces. My husband knows everything, knew everything and was waiting for me to come back to him. He explained his behavior as his reaction to knowing he was losing me. I told him I felt like he wasn’t fighting for me . Neither man was. I guess I wanted to feel like I was worth fighting for. perhaps I’m not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 8 Author Share Posted October 8 Does his behavior sound bad ? Like he’s a serial womanizer or narcissist? yes I have been in turmoil for two years and completely broke mentally. I have never even had a parking ticket let alone had an affair. I just don’t know how I got here. And it does tbh make me angry that he moves on and takes no accountability for his actions. Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 8 Share Posted October 8 I wouldn't worry about the rumors. Think back on all the gossip you've heard over your lifetime about other people. It's pretty difficult to do, because you can't really recall. And you can't remember because none of it stuck with you, because it didn't matter to you beyond your next sip of wine. Whenever someone speaks badly of another, it reflects on them, not the person. The people who know you either like you based on your own merits, or not. Some blowhard with a bad reputation isn't even credible, and anyone who knows him knows that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 8 Share Posted October 8 (edited) It sounds to me that you have a history of unhealthy relationships - not one, not two, but three unhealthy relationships. It also sounds to me that you are looking to these men for validation. And you continue to post - a new thread, more of the background, because you are not getting the validation that you want from the posters here. I’m not saying this as a criticism, just an observation. You can continue to ask the same question, offering more information as you go, and the response from posters is going to be more of the same… You made a very poor decision. There is literally no way to justify the decision to cheat on your husband with a man who was waving so many red flags, you should have seen him coming a mile down the road… If your husband was not a healthy partner for you, the better decision would have been to separate - it may in fact still be the better decision to separate. The only person who can offer the validation that you seek is you. The man who “fights for you” should not be the winner. That’s not an emotionally healthy way to choose or be in a relationship. You need to know that you are worthy - regardless of whether a man chooses to be with you. You have asked the same question in several different ways - 1 hour ago, Sutton said: I guess I wanted to feel like I was worth fighting for. perhaps I’m not. Perhaps, I’m not worthy. Perhaps, I’m not enough. Perhaps, you need to stop assessing your worth by the fact that your truly awful affair partner chose another woman over you. Perhaps, you need to love yourself. Edited October 8 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 8 Author Share Posted October 8 You’re so right. Thank you so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 8 Author Share Posted October 8 You are correct. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 8 Share Posted October 8 It sounds like you have a very special husband. Count your blessings. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 8 Author Share Posted October 8 But I’m also not posting more info to get validation per se it’s to get help and advice. So the OMs behavior was full of red flags ? I was used ? Everything he said was a lie ? I feel I am a good person who made a mistake and clearly needs to work on myself, I think giving more information helps others to see how I fell into the hole I’m trying to get out of. Also, is it so rare that someone hurts me that I thought I had feelings for, I now know my feelings were not real, I was hurting.. he wasn’t .. very easy for him to use and dump me- perhaps that was more red flags. Also being naive I suppose to try and end a relationship or whatever it was on a positive note since we both live in the same town. However that seems impossible since he is bent on spreading rumors about me. I have not said anything at all let alone bad or lies. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted October 9 Share Posted October 9 You're angry because he appears to have found happiness, but I doubt he has so don't let it eat at you. That woman he's marrying, you should be grateful every day that it's not you, because he'll make her very unhappy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 9 Author Share Posted October 9 Yes and also angry because he treated me horribly at the end and kind of discarded me. He had told me multiple times he would never hurt me or leave me. And he did. If he’s happy great, but please recognize the destruction you’re behavior caused to someone that you supposedly loved. Link to post Share on other sites
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