Still missing AP after 2 years

[Sutton]

And it’s true who cares about the narcissist whatever- scumbag for sure and well beneath me. One of my therapists said to picture him as gum on the bottom of my shoe 

[Gebidozo]

9 minutes ago, Sutton said:

And it’s true who cares about the narcissist whatever- scumbag for sure and well beneath me. One of my therapists said to picture him as gum on the bottom of my shoe 

Really? I think it’s pretty terrible to compare a human being with gum on the bottom of a shoe.

Also, I don’t think any person should consider another person “beneath” themselves. There is pride in this kind of thinking.

I don’t understand your need to compare yourself to that man and to convince yourself that you’re “better” than him. This shouldn’t be your goal at all. Your goal is to forget about that man, not to think about him at all, and start working on yourself.

[S2B]

Try going one hour focused ONLY on your husband! Then try two hours of focused attention and thoughts that are ONLY of your husband!

increase the time each day that only focuses your thoughts and feelings on your husband.

try making ten posts here - ONLY about what you and your husband are DOING (actions) to be connected and sweet to each other.

no more talk about that other scumbag.

[ExpatInItaly]

Why the deseprate need to make him into the bad guy of this story, OP? 

 

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Sutton said:

I think I am posting here just to seek advice as to the OM true personality and why was I sucked in so badly.

Women can be attracted to different things. Despite the "moral misgivings" and his later words and actions, as chief of police and with multiple women being willing to be his romantic partners, it's clear he's a man with "alpha traits" which SOME women can find quite attractive. 

He is both "good guy" (as chief of police) and "bad boy" (in his personal dealings) which are both things women can sometimes find attractive and generate their romantic interest. Beyond that you've probably emotionally bonded with him during your affair. That will fade over time, hopefully after 2 years you are near the end of it.

Edited October 11 by mark clemson

[mark clemson]

As to his "true personality,"  I'm not entirely sure what that means, but his behaviors towards you, the rumor mongering, his quick reversals romantically, etc, tell you all you need to know WRT where things stand between you and him. You quickly went from being a positive to a "potential problem" in his book and he acted quickly and without much regard for you.

I don't think he is "romantically sincere" towards you OR IF he was at one point, he is the type of person who can swiftly change in their emotions/thought processes in that area. He did not "bond" with you the way you apparently did with him.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Sutton said:

My therapists- I have two both say:

He was a compulsive liar with narcissistic tendencies and used his position as Chief of Police to be charming and appear to be a man of true character. When I pushed back at him about his past affairs and negative behavior towards me, he lashes out by making me the problem and blaming his behavior on the fact that his wife didn’t love him the right way and life was short and he wanted to find someone to love him properly. I cracked his ego and he didn’t like it- hence the awful breakup and his since attempts to smear me even more.

Both therapists also say I have to love myself, forgive myself, and move on. I am lucky to be married to the man I have because he is willing to help me heal from what past traumas I have never dealt with. 
 

Both also say the OMs behavior won’t ever change no matter who he finds to marry again. 

 

KIndly, neither therapist has met him.  I don't think it's ethical to go diagnosing someone who they've never met or interviewed.

Does either therapist talk about you taking responsibility for your own actions?   Because from what I read, you're still hellbent on blaming him rather than reviewing your own contribution to this mess

Edited October 11 by basil67

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Sutton said:

Also in full disclosure, I wasn’t unhappy with my marriage. And if my husband were here rn he would say he knew I was cheating, knew I was suffering and was trying to help me figure myself out.

If you were not unhappy in your marriage, what was your reason for engaging in an extramarital affair? 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Sutton said:

Also in full disclosure, I wasn’t unhappy with my marriage.

You've written two highly conflicting reports of your marriage.   Are you sugarcoating how bad it really was?  Or is the quote below fictional?

"My husband was not treating me well and I had begged him to change his behavior or get help.. this went on for two years.. he was going thru his own issues with his career and truly if you asked him today- he was not hearing me and I felt invisible."

[Sutton]

Not fictional at all. Truly a very very rough time. I was also recovering from back to back spinal fusion surgeries. Nothing here is fictional.

i never intended to have an affair. I knew the OM and had started a foundation for our local police during Covid- the OM was who I dealt with in the department for the foundation. 
 
My situation at home was difficult. Never intended to leave it just was confused how to fix it. The OM and I spent long periods of time together with the foundation and became close. Unbeknownst to me at that time he was engaging in an affair with another officers wife. I had zero clue.

One therapist actually had met the OM- by pure coincidence, she is the therapist for our county’s first responders. 
 

I took full responsibility for my actions Ben before going to either therapist. I sat my husband down and told him all the facts. 
I knew it was wrong all along but some part of me didn’t I guess. 

[Sutton]

A cliche probably but as I just stated, never started out that way. As my situation at home worsened I felt alone and the OM had been my friend. That’s when I shared what was going on with him at home one day when I was quite upset. 

[Sutton]

Also to the comments about one of my therapists not knowing him but making suggestions about his personality etc, kindly no one here on this forum has met him either but I am very appreciative of the insights. 

[stillafool]

20 hours ago, Sutton said:

I am lucky to be married to the man I have because he is willing to help me heal from what past traumas I have never dealt with. 
 

Yes you are and I would suggest you keep your focus on him and stop trying to figure out what the affair partner is doing and why.

 

20 hours ago, Sutton said:

Both also say the OMs behavior won’t ever change no matter who he finds to marry again. 

They have no way of knowing what this man will do in his future, and I don't know why they told you this because it has nothing to do with you.

[Sutton]

Thank you for your insights 

[Leihla_B]

22 hours ago, Sutton said:

When I pushed back at him about his past affairs and negative behavior towards me, he lashes out by making me the problem and blaming his behavior on the fact that his wife didn’t love him the right way and life was short and he wanted to find someone to love him properly. I cracked his ego and he didn’t like it- hence the awful breakup and his since attempts to smear me even more.

An affair is an agreement to enjoy one another without accountability and with equal complicity in deception. Fighting over his past affairs broke that agreement and flipped that script, positioning you as one to whom AP must be accountable.

He disappointed you with his past and public humiliation, and his marriage ended. He had nothing left to lose by pursuing your shared fantasies, but you remained in your marriage, even while remaining unaccountable to anyone. So AP retaliated.

If you believe you 'must' assign a diagnosis of narcissism to the guy, then go ahead and do that. But plenty of people operate with narcissistic traits without meeting a clinical definition of a full-blown narcissist. If you want to keep torturing yourself and drilling a deeper hole to climb out of, you may regret the impact of such behavior on the marriage you claim to be so grateful for. That, to me, would be an even bigger regret.

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Sutton said:

Never intended to leave

This is what I don't get. 

If you never intended to leave, why are you so upset that this man renegged on his talk of marrying you or otherwise having a life with you? Or were you hoping he was going to stick around until you found the courage to tell your husband you wanted a divorce? 

[Sutton]

I’m not looking to put a label on him. He is what he is but that has been mentioned to me several times and I’m not sure if he fits any of that typical description. 
The reason I think part of way I was hurt he just discarded me was a month prior to that I sat him down and said what we are doing is wrong. You are now divorced and want to move on. I do not. I also said if you love someone set them free and if they come back it’s meant to be. I told him I did not want a divorce and that as much as it hurt he needed to move on. I knew we lived in the same town and I guess I stupidly thought I could end things with class and some of my dignity. This was also the same day I told my husband as well. 
He refused  request of no contact even though I blocked him and then asked to meet for coffee to talk. I went and that’s when he unleashed on me. 

[basil67]

So it turns out you strung him along?   Sounds like he's one to hold a massive grudge

[Sutton]

No. I did not string him along. After knowing that he cheated multiple times and had a sexual harassment case pending against him at work I realized I had to get my s*** together and let him go. He’d been married for 27 years and if he wasn’t 100 percent sure he wanted to be with me even though he took me to look at houses and asked to marry him multiple times a little voice in my head KNEW it was wrong. Plus all while he was telling me I was the love of his life, he was asking for multiple women’s phone numbers. 
It’s shocking that almost everyone who has replied to my posts have attacked me for my actions and not HIM. My actions led me to almost kill myself and ruin my family. His actions ? He is Chief of Police lied about sexual harassment claims and it’s ok to try and slander me. I tried to end this with a small shred  of dignity. I could have gone to the Police Comission and cost him his job but I didn’t. I just needed to know why someone would treat another individual so badly when they said they loved them. 

[basil67]

20 minutes ago, Sutton said:

It’s shocking that almost everyone who has replied to my posts have attacked me for my actions and not HIM.

Everyone is in agreement that his actions are wrong - there is no point in even discussing him and that's why nobody is.  But the reason you're getting pushback is because your focus is wrong.  Having everyone tell you what a cad he was isn't going to help you in your recovery.   What will help you is focussing on your own mistakes and learning from them. 

1 hour ago, Sutton said:

The reason I think part of way I was hurt he just discarded me was a month prior to that I sat him down and said what we are doing is wrong. You are now divorced and want to move on.

For instance, look at this ^   You broke up with him and then get upset that he "discarded" you a month later.   What was the alternative?  Even if he was a great guy, you couldn't have had him in your life AND come clean with your husband.   Going no contact with you was the correct response (of course, telling everyone stories about you was wrong)

Speaking of husband, have you worked out yet whether your marriage was great or terrible?   Why did you give us such different recounts of it?

Edited October 12 by basil67

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, Sutton said:

It’s shocking that almost everyone who has replied to my posts have attacked me for my actions and not HIM.

It does not serve you in any way if we focus on your married man as you so want to do - it is your life. He is his own person and he will make his own decisions. You have no control over him - only yourself. Thats why we focus on you and your decisions - what he does with his life going forward does not matter and whatever consequences he suffers are of no consequence to you.

Nobody here has any interest in discussing your affair partner. We are attempting to help you to move forward with your life. Hopefully one day you will come to understand what we have all been trying to tell you - it was never about him… 

 

[S2B]

He’s not here looking for input. You are.

yet you still stay so so focused on him - the OM… knowing full well you can’t heal your marriage u til you focus only on that marriage you say you are trying to improve!

and you purposely entered into the affair by sharing private info about your husband.

you had the affair. The OM wasn’t married to your husband! You disrespected him by focusing energy on the OM… and you STILL keep disrespecting your husband/marriage by staying too focused on the OM and not your husband!

stop talking about your OM and start talking about your husband!

when are you going to start DOING that?

[Gebidozo]

19 hours ago, Sutton said:

Also to the comments about one of my therapists not knowing him but making suggestions about his personality etc, kindly no one here on this forum has met him either but I am very appreciative of the insights. 

Exactly, no one here has met him, that’s why no one here is trying to diagnose him. In fact, no one here is talking about him at all. Everyone is advising you to stop thinking about him altogether. You are the only one obsessed with trying to “understand”  him.

I don’t think you’re going to feel better unless you stop fixating on him and painting him as the villain of the story. This is bad for two reasons: 1) You’re still obsessed with him instead of removing him from your thoughts; and 2) Making him the villain turns you into a victim, which is a very common and very wrong way of dealing with your guilt.

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Sutton said:

It’s shocking that almost everyone who has replied to my posts have attacked me for my actions and not HIM.

The fact that this shocks you tells us you still really lack insight. It shouldn't shock you. He isn't here. You are. Your focus is all wrong, and you evidently still need a reality check. You seem to think this would be an echo chamber for your (yes, valid) complaints about this man. Well, no. We are here to help you do better, not to enable your narrative of how evil this man is. 

11 hours ago, Sutton said:

I just needed to know why someone would treat another individual so badly when they said they loved them. 

You should know better than any of us. You did the same to your husband. 

11 hours ago, Sutton said:

His actions ? He is Chief of Police lied about sexual harassment claims and it’s ok to try and slander me.

Who said it was ok? Come on. Time to stop the pity-party. He's a creep  Nobody disagrees with that. There. And now? How does that help you? 

He can be a total scumbag, and still have been right to discard you. Both things can be true, you realize. He's gross. And he was right to let you go and move on. Slander you? No. Cut you off? Yes. Absolutely. You weren't available for more so he dropped you. That was a smart move on his part. 

 

 

[Leihla_B]

On 10/12/2024 at 3:52 PM, Sutton said:

I’m not looking to put a label on him. He is what he is but that has been mentioned to me several times and I’m not sure if he fits any of that typical description. 

Then what are you trying to do with all the narcissism talk? We get it. He's a bad, bad man. How does that help you in any way?

Quote

The reason I think part of way I was hurt he just discarded me was a month prior to that... I told him I did not want a divorce and that as much as it hurt he needed to move on.

This doesn't make sense. You dumped him, not the other way around. He got pissed off and retaliated. Nobody's saying that's okay. None of this was okay in the first place, and the fact that it didn't end well is no surprise to anyone BUT you.

On 10/12/2024 at 5:30 PM, Sutton said:

No. I did not string him along.

You both strung one another along. The future talk didn't happen in a vacuum. 

Quote

...even though he took me to look at houses and asked to marry him multiple times ...all while he was telling me I was the love of his life, he was asking for multiple women’s phone numbers. 

You didn't need to collect men's numbers, you just went home to the husband you claim you never intended to leave. So you either bought this whole fantasy of home-buying and marriage or not. If so, why claim now that you were never leaving your husband? If not, what was the point of engaging all this house and marriage nonsense?

Quote

It’s shocking that almost everyone who has replied to my posts have attacked me for my actions and not HIM.

Nobody's attacking you. We're questioning your incongruency. You can't have it both ways--you either loved the AP and intended to leave your husband for him, or you just engaged in fantasies with AP but knew those would need to end somehow.

Well, this is how they ended. You dumped him, he's mean about it, and you didn't get a fairy tale ending out of the deal. That's only as tragic as you WANT to make it. It's not an attack to warn you that if you WANT to drill yourself into a hole over it, you are likely to harm and possibly lose your marriage. 

Edited October 15 by Leihla_B