. So it starts [updated]

[ms.stressed]

My boyfriend (technically fiancé) has been discussing us moving in together and, to be honest, I'm scared.

 

I'm scared about him cheating on me, abusing me, basically my ex all over again...and I know he hasn't shown any of my exes traits, I still worry that it'll happen.

 

He doesn't know everything about my past, just enough to know my ex abused me and I don't want my dear to damage what I have with him. 

And I havea therapist a talk to, but I hate having to revisit the past to sort out my present...and this sucks.

I don't wish what I've been through on anyone.

But this new relationship is awesome and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

I am so happy and confident and in love.

 

That's it.

 

Y'all be blessed 

Edited October 6 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Gebidozo]

If you need more time to process your feelings and dealing with your past trauma, you absolutely have to tell that to your BF. Don’t move in with him until you’re certain you’ve solved your problems and aren’t scared anymore. If he truly loves you, he will understand you and be patient.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long have you been dating your boyfriend?

[Lotsgoingon]

Postpone moving in. 

[Gaeta]

You said *new boyfriend*. 

Why do you call him new when you've been dating 3 years?

Edited August 28 by Gaeta

[Gaeta]

14 hours ago, ms.stressed said:

I'm scared about him cheating on me, abusing me, basically my ex all over again...and I know he hasn't shown any of my exes traits, I still worry that it'll happen.

Anything is possible. Maybe he'll be the best fiancé and husband to you, maybe he'll turn into another abuser. The thing is you've been through this before so you'll be able to recognize the signs right? As soon as you see the red flags you leave. There is nothing else to do. At some point you need to trust someone and you need to trust YOURSELF that IF EVER you find yourself in another abusive situation like this you will leave. You don't delay or give him chances,  you know what doesn't work with abusers.

[Els]

If you've been together for 3 years and he hasn't given you any indicators of being abusive, then it does sound like something that you need to work out with your therapist. It's hard and painful for sure, but you can't let the past destroy your future.

There are lots of healthy hetero marriages or live-in relationships where there is no abuse or cheating. You should always be aware and assert your boundaries and take steps to protect yourself (for instance, do you have a bank account that only you can access if you need to leave immediately? it's good to make that a practice regardless of who you are with), but at the same time you also have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and take that step. I'd liken it to climbing - you need to have your safety harness and take all the relevant precautions, but at the same time you also need to face your fear and carry on doing the thing that you want to do in spite of the fear.

All the best.

Edited August 28 by Els

[Mrin]

On 8/27/2024 at 8:24 PM, ms.stressed said:

He doesn't know everything about my past,

Hey OP: just wanted to address this item. I know you're probably trying to protect him or protect yourself. But by not letting him know the details of your past you're really setting him up to trigger you. Let's face it, all trauma creates "soft spots" that can easily trigger the trauma recipient that wouldn't trigger someone else who hadn't had the trauma. By sharing the details of your past, you're setting him up to successfully navigate these soft spots and be the best relationship partner he can be. 

Just think it over. 

 

Mrin 

[Gforce77i]

Communication is vital.

[jasonblackheart01]

Try communicating with your BF/fiance. It was the most important in a relationship, second is TRUST.

You cant keep your secret forever, sooner or later signs of trauma will appear. TRUST him to take care of you, 

Better warn you hubby so he wont panic. TRUST that he will protect you. 

 

[ms.stressed]

On 9/2/2024 at 11:31 PM, Mrin said:

Hey OP: just wanted to address this item. I know you're probably trying to protect him or protect yourself. But by not letting him know the details of your past you're really setting him up to trigger you. Let's face it, all trauma creates "soft spots" that can easily trigger the trauma recipient that wouldn't trigger someone else who hadn't had the trauma. By sharing the details of your past, you're setting him up to successfully navigate these soft spots and be the best relationship partner he can be. 

Just think it over. 

 

Mrin 

You're right. I guess I'm protecting myself more than him. I fear judgement. But when I get the courage I might tell him. I think I should, I just want it to be natural and not a big production...like, "hey...this happened to me. I hope this doesn't change how you feel about me."

[ms.stressed]

On 8/27/2024 at 11:58 PM, Gebidozo said:

If you need more time to process your feelings and dealing with your past trauma, you absolutely have to tell that to your BF. Don’t move in with him until you’re certain you’ve solved your problems and aren’t scared anymore. If he truly loves you, he will understand you and be patient.

You're right...I figured as much.

[ms.stressed]

On 9/18/2024 at 9:27 AM, jasonblackheart01 said:

Try communicating with your BF/fiance. It was the most important in a relationship, second is TRUST.

You cant keep your secret forever, sooner or later signs of trauma will appear. TRUST him to take care of you, 

Better warn you hubby so he wont panic. TRUST that he will protect you. 

 

Thank you. 

[ms.stressed]

On 8/28/2024 at 1:21 PM, Els said:

If you've been together for 3 years and he hasn't given you any indicators of being abusive, then it does sound like something that you need to work out with your therapist. It's hard and painful for sure, but you can't let the past destroy your future.

There are lots of healthy hetero marriages or live-in relationships where there is no abuse or cheating. You should always be aware and assert your boundaries and take steps to protect yourself (for instance, do you have a bank account that only you can access if you need to leave immediately? it's good to make that a practice regardless of who you are with), but at the same time you also have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and take that step. I'd liken it to climbing - you need to have your safety harness and take all the relevant precautions, but at the same time you also need to face your fear and carry on doing the thing that you want to do in spite of the fear.

All the best.

That's good advice. I do have my own bank account. These comments and other events made me sure than ever we should wait before taking the next steps. 

[ms.stressed]

On 8/28/2024 at 12:24 PM, Gaeta said:

Anything is possible. Maybe he'll be the best fiancé and husband to you, maybe he'll turn into another abuser. The thing is you've been through this before so you'll be able to recognize the signs right? As soon as you see the red flags you leave. There is nothing else to do. At some point you need to trust someone and you need to trust YOURSELF that IF EVER you find yourself in another abusive situation like this you will leave. You don't delay or give him chances,  you know what doesn't work with abusers.

True. I like to see the brightside of everything, I never focus on the fear and that's my problem.

[ms.stressed]

I spoke to my boyfriend about my past...I told him my ex sexually assaulted me...and abused me...I got pregnant and had to get an abortion.

He started going to my doctor appointments with me and I thought everything was great and one day when we were coming from the doctor, he says, "let's get married now in City Hall" and I wanted to wait. 

Then he became mean and got abusive and I had to run away call the police on him yesterday and he's in jail for assault.

I'm so upset and I partly think it's my fault, because I told him what happened to me and I didn't want to get married so soon. I need time. 

[ ] 

 

Edited October 6 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
identifying content

[ms.stressed]

We ended up breaking up. I told him about my past last month. He seemed okay and wanted to get married but I wasn't ready. 

He became abusive and I had to call the police on him 10/5/2024. Yesterday.

Why is it that every relationship I share or talk about ends up with a break up?

Edited October 6 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
identifying content

[S2B]

Please don’t post private info. You need to find a way to stay away from his abuse.

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, ms.stressed said:

Why is it that every relationship I share or talk about ends up with a break up?

There might be something about potentially abusive men that unconsciously attracts you. I'm glad you're working with a therapist, but you mention not wanting to do the work of dissecting your past. It makes no sense to hire someone who is trained to help you identify what attracts you to men who carry the capacity for abuse without a willingness to dig deep in the safety of THAT relationship.

You're asking a bunch of strangers on the Internet to weigh in on something we can't know about you. Lean in and do the unpleasant work with your therapist. It will feel lousy before it can get better, but you will thank yourself later.

[ShyViolet]

Sounds like you have a pattern of choosing abusers.  Have you gone to therapy?

[Alpacalia]

No, it's not your fault that you were assualted. I'm sorry this happened to you. Your last partner was abusive and you've ended up in another abusive relationship. It's good that you pumped the breaks and said "no" to the marriage. Please get into counseling and keep up your efforts to leave these controlling guys. Be careful and safe, ok.

[Gebidozo]

Nothing of what happened to you was your fault. There is nothing wrong either with sharing your past with your partner or needing time to get married. You are not to blame. You did right when you reported the horrible behavior of your ex-BF.

That said, I highly suggest that you get therapy, because you seem to be falling for abusive men. A good therapist will help you recognize the pattern, find the reasons for its existence, and get rid of it.

Please take care and be safe.

[ms.stressed]

1 hour ago, Leihla_B said:

There might be something about potentially abusive men that unconsciously attracts you. I'm glad you're working with a therapist, but you mention not wanting to do the work of dissecting your past. It makes no sense to hire someone who is trained to help you identify what attracts you to men who carry the capacity for abuse without a willingness to dig deep in the safety of THAT relationship.

You're asking a bunch of strangers on the Internet to weigh in on something we can't know about you. Lean in and do the unpleasant work with your therapist. It will feel lousy before it can get better, but you will thank yourself later.

I've done the work. 6 years. I don't know. I didn't know my first relationship was abusive, police, counselors and therapist had to tell me what it was. I was raised in a Christian home by both parents. I don't smoke, I only drink red occasionally, and I definitely don't do drugs. I go to church. 

My therapist had to tell me that what I'm doing now is good, because I wasn't taught boundaries in my last relationship. I have a good family and my ex took advantage of my kindness and innocence. 

Idk if my next guy was mad because I was hesitant to get married, I opened up about my past too late, I don't know. But it sucks.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

I was in an abusive relationship many years ago. My exes were the complete opposite. So, I don't know how I fell into the one abusive relationship considering my other choices were good relationships. Even IF your last guy was upset because you didn't want to get married, a normal reaction to that would be talking to you first and if he wasn't happy with your timeline, then he needed to end the relationship, not assault you. 

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, ms.stressed said:

I've done the work. 6 years.

Find a better therapist. You haven't progressed to the point of understanding why you are attracted to men who eventually abuse you. Six years of status quo is a waste of your time. There are warning signs about the men you choose that you aren't seeing clearly enough. Unless you learn how to identify these, you can't develop the confidence to move forward with an ability to screen out bad matches. instead, you'll retain a victim mentality that believes you are at the mercy of the lousy judgment of abusive men.

That's not progress, honey, I'm sorry.