. So it starts [updated]

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

I was in an abusive relationship many years ago. My exes were the complete opposite. So, I don't know how I fell into the one abusive relationship considering my other choices were good relationships.

Yes, one abusive relationship can be a fluke. A string of relationships ending up abused is not a fluke, it's a pattern. Working with a therapist for 6 years who has not helped you to identify the pattern and learn how to screen out potentially abusive men is a waste of your time and money--that's an ineffective therapist.

Quote

Even IF your last guy was upset because you didn't want to get married, a normal reaction to that would be talking to you first and if he wasn't happy with your timeline, then he needed to end the relationship, not assault you. 

Exactly. OP, you don't need to be assaulted to identify a potentially abusive partner. If you've been afraid to share your truth with this guy for so long, that means something warned you it wasn't safe to confide in him. Those were signals that you did not trust the guy, and if your therapist had been competent, he or she would have recognized this and taught you how to Pay Attention to this warning and get out of this relationship safely.

None of this is haphazard or coincidental. Your upbringing has conditioned you to regard certain aggressive aspects of personality to be acceptable when they are not. They are signs that control will escalate, possibly into abuse, and the skill of recognizing these signs is learnable with the right therapist.

Consider contacting a Domestic Violence Prevention site on the Internet or your local hospital for a referral to local counseling services that specialize in the field of violence prevention. You need the services--you are not getting them from your current therapist.

[ms.stressed]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Sounds like you have a pattern of choosing abusers.  Have you gone to therapy?

I'm still in therapy. That's the sad part.

[ms.stressed]

2 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Yes, one abusive relationship can be a fluke. A string of relationships ending up abused is not a fluke, it's a pattern. Working with a therapist for 6 years who has not helped you to identify the pattern and learn how to screen out potentially abusive men is a waste of your time and money--that's an ineffective therapist.

Exactly. OP, you don't need to be assaulted to identify a potentially abusive partner. If you've been afraid to share your truth with this guy for so long, that means something warned you it wasn't safe to confide in him. Those were signals that you did not trust the guy, and if your therapist had been competent, he or she would have recognized this and taught you how to Pay Attention to this warning and get out of this relationship safely.

None of this is haphazard or coincidental. Your upbringing has conditioned you to regard certain aggressive aspects of personality to be acceptable when they are not. They are signs that control will escalate, possibly into abuse, and the skill of recognizing these signs is learnable with the right therapist.

Consider contacting a Domestic Violence Prevention site on the Internet or your local hospital for a referral to local counseling services that specialize in the field of violence prevention. You need the services--you are not getting them from your current therapist.

My therapist told me it's okay to try to date. Then she said I could bring him to the sessions if I feel comfortable doing so.

He came to two appointments but I wasn't ready for him to come inside.

I don't know anything about this. 

I see my therapist Monday to talk about what happened. I told her about the abuse. 

I'm glad I shared this because maybe I an getting the wrong information. 

She told me it was OK if I didn't feel comfortable going Monday.

Is that something a therapist does?

My insurance doesn't give ratings on my therapist. 

Thanks for the advice.

 

 

[Leihla_B]

5 hours ago, ms.stressed said:

I see my therapist Monday to talk about what happened. I told her about the abuse. 

I'm glad I shared this because maybe I an getting the wrong information. 

She told me it was OK if I didn't feel comfortable going Monday.

Is that something a therapist does?

It's not something I'd consider good practice, given the assault. I'd expect her to have offered to see you right away or at least before Monday. I'd contact your local hospital for a referral to someone who can counsel you on the assault and the best steps to take for your safety. Your therapist sounds lame.

[ms.stressed]

I went to see her. I've been seeing her a lot. 

 

We talked about red flags and what I used to see as "protective" and "territorial" to be abusive qualities.

 

I also learned that aggressiveness is a red flag for me. 

I also learned to avoid reading certain type of Alpha Male romance booms because they gave me a distorted reality.

 

So yeah. Very eye opening and I went through a roller coaster of emotions.

[basil67]

8 minutes ago, ms.stressed said:

I also learned that aggressiveness is a red flag for me. 

Aggressiveness should be a red flag for everyone.   I'd also be looking for how it sneaks out in every day life - such as do they yell at other drivers?  Are they rude to service staff?   

And you're dead right about 'protective' and 'territorial' as being abusive qualities.   With the caveat that it's OK for your partner to see you safely home if it's dark and late or the area you're travelling through is risky.   Protection where it's actually warranted is a good thing

[Leihla_B]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Aggressiveness should be a red flag for everyone.   I'd also be looking for how it sneaks out in every day life - such as do they yell at other drivers?  Are they rude to service staff?   

And you're dead right about 'protective' and 'territorial' as being abusive qualities.   With the caveat that it's OK for your partner to see you safely home if it's dark and late or the area you're travelling through is risky.   Protection where it's actually warranted is a good thing

I agree. There's a difference between a man recognizing a need for a woman's safety versus protecting his ego by trying to keep her under his thumb.

One observation when meeting a new man who is a stranger to you is whether he can appreciate your need to meet him in public, using your own transport, for as long as it takes to build rapport and trust.

If a man invites you into his car or his home prematurely, that's questionable. If he's offended that you'd turn him down, that's a red flag that says he's more invested in his own agenda than considering your reasonable caution for your safety.

Gentlemen respect women.

[Leihla_B]

55 minutes ago, ms.stressed said:

So yeah. Very eye opening and I went through a roller coaster of emotions.

This is natural, and I'm so glad you're getting your therapist's attention and care.

My heart goes out to you.