Stay-at-home wife/mom duties

[dnm1010]

well im finishing my phd in biophysical chemistry but i want to be a stay home mom/wife.. my FH knows that and is ok with it.. of course i dont want to do that unless we can finanicially so well see... but ultimately its my goal...

 

but even if it is, he will still have some chores. not because i want to be mean but simply because there are some things i just cannot stand.

 

i am very weak and so taking out the garbage is real tough on me. or things like carrying the laundry to the other room.. so he does that stuff. other than that i have eczema on my hands and doing too much dishes makes them break out- so i will probably have a dishwasher.

 

he cooks sometimes but not often and i dont mind it cos i love to cook. and i hate folding socks so he knows if he wants them folded he can do that himself. i currently do the laundry simply because im a small girl and waiting for the whole laudry to be full for the different loads can take a long time.. so id rather combine our laundry and do it once a week... if that makes sense..

 

of course we dont have children yet so i cant really sit here and say this is how its gonna be in the future.. but the key thing is were going to try to talk about things if they bug us.

[Roo-bie2]

It should be team work.

 

I have been a working mom and a stay at home. You should both pitch in and get work done.

 

But one thing I have notice from a lot of my female friends is they don't look at what the guy does. He never washes dishes but you never change the cars oil or mow the lawn. The sahp tend to forget that the working parent is working for them, not just him/herself and often not working just 40 hrs a week. The working partner forgets how hard it can be staying home and trying to get it all done.

 

The house hold chores might not be a 50/50 split.

[lilmoma1973]

well im finishing my phd in biophysical chemistry but i want to be a stay home mom/wife.. my FH knows that and is ok with it.. of course i dont want to do that unless we can finanicially so well see... but ultimately its my goal...

 

but even if it is, he will still have some chores. not because i want to be mean but simply because there are some things i just cannot stand.

 

i am very weak and so taking out the garbage is real tough on me. or things like carrying the laundry to the other room.. so he does that stuff. other than that i have eczema on my hands and doing too much dishes makes them break out- so i will probably have a dishwasher.

 

he cooks sometimes but not often and i dont mind it cos i love to cook. and i hate folding socks so he knows if he wants them folded he can do that himself. i currently do the laundry simply because im a small girl and waiting for the whole laudry to be full for the different loads can take a long time.. so id rather combine our laundry and do it once a week... if that makes sense..

 

of course we dont have children yet so i cant really sit here and say this is how its gonna be in the future.. but the key thing is were going to try to talk about things if they bug us.

 

 

Good to know that you will keep the lines of communication open ,because that is very important in a marriage ,if not can cause make major conflict!! Always ,always talk things through ,me and my h can't communicate well ,that is why i go on here to help vent!! H has a very short fuse so i have to watch how i say things.. THANK GOODNESS FOR LS!!!!!!!!!

[dnm1010]

Good to know that you will keep the lines of communication open ,because that is very important in a marriage ,if not can cause make major conflict!! Always ,always talk things through ,me and my h can't communicate well ,that is why i go on here to help vent!! H has a very short fuse so i have to watch how i say things.. THANK GOODNESS FOR LS!!!!!!!!!

thats really a shame.. communication seems to be the answer regarding a lot of problems.. just ot be able to talk things through. i mean lets say H is supposed to do something every thursday and he had a really bad day at work.. i wouldnt have a problem doing it instead. i dont really see the point in designating jobs.. i mean i do laundry now and sometimes if he wants his favourite pair of jeans and i havent dont laundry he will just do it. but again, some of you have been married for a long time and i do know realistically things change, especially when u have kids. but overall we dont keep tabs on who did what how many times. were just sensitive to each other.

[dnm1010]

oh yes! and i dont do yard work either.. i dont know why im just so terrified of all the bugs out there! im terribly allergic to even mosquitos (the bites swell up to a diameter of about 4 inches.. its terrible) and ants and theres so many here in FL... so he deals with the yard stuff.

he hates to paint though so if we need to paint anything im all up for it:)

[trixyfirecracker]

I'm right here!

 

Hey I posted under justpassingby! Finally got registered!

 

That is impressive!

 

I've done it all "alone" for so longI feel like a single mom.

[lilmoma1973]

thats really a shame.. communication seems to be the answer regarding a lot of problems.. just ot be able to talk things through. i mean lets say H is supposed to do something every thursday and he had a really bad day at work.. i wouldnt have a problem doing it instead. i dont really see the point in designating jobs.. i mean i do laundry now and sometimes if he wants his favourite pair of jeans and i havent dont laundry he will just do it. but again, some of you have been married for a long time and i do know realistically things change, especially when u have kids. but overall we dont keep tabs on who did what how many times. were just sensitive to each other.

 

I don't keep tabs either ,but they both his kids and only one is mine why is all the responsibilty of parenting and taking care of them as long as he bringing home a paycheck~!!

[It's all good]

Yes but you don't give the maid shelter and food and pay her bills so you SHOULD pay her.

 

 

Of cource, but if the husband chooses for the wife to be a stay at home mom, and she is doing everything why can't she get a paycheck? Oh yeah, the roof over her head, the food she eats, the clothing on her back...blah blah blah. I'm just saying it feels like she should get a pay check. When you read it, it sounds like a stay at home mom is a live in maid with no pay check of her own. Sometimes doing the chores and looking after the kids doesn't FEEL like your contributing to the overall money situation (which your not).

 

H's should not be exempt from chores because their job is outside of the house, or because they get the only paycheck.

[janet2006]

It should be a team effort I feel.

 

I have been a stay at home mom since my son was born. He is ten now. We have three children the youngest being 3. My husband and I made the decision for me to stay home because child care costs are just more than we could handle. It made sense for me to be here with the kids. My husband works full time, but at home, he helps with dishes, the kids, the kids homework, anything that he feels needs to be done.

 

He is very intuned to what needs to be completed here. I too do a lot around here, but felt I needed to contribute money wise also. He was working and doing household chores, so why wasn't I? He NEVER questioned it by the way, I did. So I started doing daycare, and was bringing in a nice supplement to my husbands paycheck along with being here with the kids and keeping up the house.

 

I grew tired of daycare because I needed adult conversation LOL! But what about contributing, my husband said "I do fine for the both of us, don't worry" But I did worry. We were a team, both bringing in money and both keeping up with the house. So we decided to open a shop here on our property. We saved, built and now I run it. So now not only do I do household chores, raise the kids but I also work 14 hour days! But you know what, the shop is right here with the house, I can work those hours and still be a stay at home mom.

 

I am dead tired at night, hubby helps a lot! He does the grocery shopping because I can no longer leave, he takes the kids on weekends fishing, parks, movies because I work weekends LOL! But he does that to give me time away from them and he gets his free time, I don't pitch a fit when he wants to fish, hunt or golf. We do as a team, he works very hard and he works overtime a lot. I give him a lot of credit to be able to come home and do dishes and laundry on top of it, but he gives me a lot of credit in return.

 

So I guess what I am babbling on about is, just because someone stays home or doesn't work outside of the home, doesn't make them respondsible for ALL household chores, kid raising and what not. If the stay at home parent isn't bringing in pay by working from home; they still need help with chores. It is a team effort all the way.

 

Take care all!

[Guest 2255]

I see it this way.

 

Shana, you have no kids meaning YOU CANNOT TALK.....EVERY SITUATION IS DIFFERENT. IF YOUR BABIES ARE "GOOD BABIES" NOT COLICKY, SPITTING UP MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF PUICK ALL OVER YOUR RUGS, MESSING THEIR CLOTHES AND MOMS CLOTHES, ETC...THEN OK, YES YOU SHOULD DO MOST OF THE WORK..

 

BUT, IF YOU ARE LIKE ME, HAVE ONE BABY, VERY HARD TO HANDLE...CRIES ALOT, SPITS UP, HATES TO BE PUT DOWN, TEETHING, NEVER SLEEPS, WHICH MEANS I NEVER SHOWER!!! YES THE HUSBAND NEEDS TO HELP OUT. I WOULD LOVE LOVE LOVE TO GO TO WORK, BRING HOME THE BACON AND SIT ON MY ASS!!! PEOPLE THINK HOME MOMS WATCH SOAPS, JERRY SPRINGER, AND WHATEVER ELSE...WRONG WRONG WRONG...THEY HAVE A 24 HR 7 DAY A WEEK JOB...NOW YOU TELL ME, WOULD YOU RATHER WORK 40 HRS A WEEK OR AROUND THE CLOCK?

 

AND OH YES, ANOTHER BABY ON THE WAY WHEN WE HAVE A 5 MONTH OLD!!! REASON BEING: MY HUSBAND IS ALMOST 40 AND HE WANTS TWO KIDS BEFORE THEN, WHICH THEN DEFINITELY MEANS...HE NEEDS TO HELP.

 

THE PROBLEM IS, HE HARDLY DOES....MEN SUCK THESE DAYS...WHERE ARE ALL THE GOOD ONES??? GAY OR ALREADY MARRIED!! I THOUGHT MINE WAS THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD BUT THINGS DO CHANGE ONCE MARRIAGE HAPPENS..MEN THINK ITS THE WOMEN WITH NO SEX, ETC..MANY TIMES THE MEN ARE TOO DARN TIRED, ETC...SO I STILL THINK FOR ALL THE WOMEN AND MEN OUT THERE WHO HAVE HAPPY FAMILIES AND GREAT KIDS..YOU ARE TRULY BLESSED...

 

I LOVE MY SON SO MUCH AND WOULD NOT TRADE HIM FOR THE WORLD...BUT LET ME TELL YOU SHANA, NO COOKED MEALS ON MY TABLE..MY JOB IS MY SON...CLEANING AND COOKING, NOW THAT IS 50/50

[whichwayisup]

Guest 2255, you need a night out with the girls!! Holy cow! Get a sitter or a family member to help, and have a night to yourself!

 

See, that is the thing. The hubby goes to work...Ofcourse staying home is just as much a fulltime job too with kids. The main difference is, MOM's don't get a break much, they don't get adult talk, any real stimulation with people, it's all about the baby. And ofcourse it should be all about the baby but a break inbetween would be nice.

 

I don't have kids but I have enough family who do have kids, friends and neighbours with kids so I see how exhausting it is.

 

You're right, your husband has to help you, no choice. And if he can't, he better hire a maid to help out as you can't do it all on your own. It's crazy to expect the house to be neat and tidy, and look after kids, let alone if you're planning on afew more. He's nuts!

[Curmudgeon]

"MEN SUCK THESE DAYS"

 

Being one I find that generalization most unfortunate and not at all true. Of course, I'm a man AND married but I believe a lot of us pull our own weight around the house, even those with stay at home wives.

 

I'm sorry yours is a disappointment to you but please don't paint us all with the same brush.

[JayKay]

2255

 

 

You sound pretty resentful and you're right.....your husband SHOULD help you with the baby and housework.

 

His job is done the minute he leaves the office. In the meantime, your job is non-stop, 24/7.

 

I am curious though....why is it so important for him to have kids by a certain age?

Why the time-table?

 

It's certainly very hard on your body to have pregnancies so close together. And it's not HIM who has to be pregnant and go through labor!

 

I think if he pushes for more kids after this one, you need to put your foot down and tell him that until he's willing to be more than a paycheck provider, 'the factory is closed' (one of my friends said that to her husband!)

[Stay at home mommy]

It is hard to understand until you have walked in a moms shoes.

 

I am a stay at home of a 10 month old little girl. Since the day she was born, feeding myself, brushing my teeth, showering and just combing my hair became hard tasks to accomplish. Much less applying any makeup or straightening my hair without careful careful plotting and planning around nap times and meal times.

 

I guess it can all depend on ones parenting style, i've seen and heard of some moms just being totally neglectful in the fact that they let their children cry, whine, fuss, etc while ignoring it for an hour or 2. There are also moms who never get the house completely clean, which I try my best to do. I have read a child raised in chaos (meaning messy homes as well) is not a good thing as you can imagine, it sends the wrong message. So I do my best.

 

There is more to being a mom than just sticking a bottle in your childs mouth. You have to sit down and do playtime daily, you must read to your child, you must take the time out to explain things to your child, feedings, bathing, brushing gums/teeth, washing their laundry, changing their linens, comforting time when they cry, patting them or rocking them for a few combined hours daily, hugs, smiles, stopping what you're doing and attending to them because they don't want to be left alone at that very moment, even if they can see you. The list does go on.. but I say the last one is the hardest. There are so many developmental stages, like the seperation anxiety one. It's a stage where some parents find it almost impossible to get ANYTHING done.

 

For some parents it could be getting the child to stay in their own bed, or chasing them around because they refuse to stop playing with the blinds, walls, toilet seat, night lights, plug covers, shoes, biting furniture legs, etc. No matter how much you child proof you still can find yourself spending half your day chasing the little one. They get into EVERYTHING!!

 

Then, like I stated above, a lot of it has to do with your parenting style. How you think you should raise your kids also in the end is the deciding factor of how much extra free time you have. I'm pretty self-less right now because i'm molding a human being to be a good person,to have good character, intelligence and values. This means I have less time to do things for myself now.

 

Now, take this and combine that with everything else you must do. If you believe in being a good stay at home mom, you have other things to take care of as well. Cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner. Doing your husbands laundry to make sure he has clothes to wear to work, taking care of bills and other misc things that pop up in life like shopping, scheduling appointments, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning baths, scouring floors for choking hazards, picking up after baby, meal planning, clipping coupons or looking for bargains, doctors appointments, getting baby's shots and THEN dealing with fussy baby who crys for 2 days afterwards because of fever resulting in no sleep), putting all clothes away, including husbands that is, constantly picking up after husband so one can keep the house "neat" and not let the mess take over, taking care of any home issues like small repairs, etc.

 

Ok, there's more. Lots more. But let's move on. So, with all of that going on how does one find time to even watch tv? I'm home all day and barely watch more than 1 hour, and it's never a full show. I don't even know why I bother because I can't keep track of what's going on. Here's the clincher too, my house is never filthy, pretty kept up but some areas are ALWAYS a constant work in progress. There are papers strewn all over my desk, things that need to be put up, and scrapbooks that need to be finished, worked on, feet that need a pedicure, clothes that need mending, formula and medicine that needs its own seperate trip to be bought tomorrow, pictures that need to be printed, home mortgage papers that need to be signed and sent, cars that need to be washed and detailed, ebay that needs to be done (I do that to make extra money) dusting, more laundry, tile that needs to be sealed, a shower that needs to be redone.. and in the end I end up making sure it all gets done.

 

My husband helps with the dishes and takes his daughter for the most part when he gets off of work. He also gets to "fiddle" in the garage on the weekends.. which I also envy. I wish I had time for my hobbies.

 

When he steps out of the office his day is over. Mine never is. Someone said their day is over when they go to bed, well i'm not there yet. If my child cries, or needs me during the night (she always does) I am the one to make her bottle and comfort her for as long as it takes. I never get a solid night of sleep, yet I am the one who needs it most.

 

For those who ask if the man should help, or debate it..quite simply, yes. If you don't think so, trade places with a SAHM of a infant. Then come back here and let me know how goes it.

 

[Cecelius]

I've been wondering what other people think of this. If a woman is a stay-at-home wife/mother and her husband works full-time, do you think the husband should be obligated to help with any household chores? (By the way, same question would apply in reverse if it's the husband who stays home.)

 

So what does everything think?

 

Yes and no. I regard the work involved in keeping a household afloat as a single pie. If one is doing all the economic working (40 hours, 60 hours, etc) then it's hardly fair to ask them to put in extra time where the other one has all the time to do the housework.

 

It does not take 40 hours to do housework (including parenting, cleaning, cooking, etc) for a normal person with normal work speeds.

 

On the other hand, the working person still is in charge of certain parts of their lives (picking up after themselves, etc.)

[Guest33433]

you're right, it doesn't take 40 hours if do it half a**ed.

[Ladylay]

I've been wondering what other people think of this. If a woman is a stay-at-home wife/mother and her husband works full-time, do you think the husband should be obligated to help with any household chores? (By the way, same question would apply in reverse if it's the husband who stays home.)

 

So what does everything think?

 

Whoever is in the home, should do more imo only because they are not out working.

That does not mean that the working partner should do nothing.

If you work you should still contribute to household chores, simple things like emptying a dishwasher,picking up after yourself. Cooking dinner occasionally.!

 

Being a "Homemaker" is hard work, and in my opinion "Homemakers don't get enough credit.

[Guest5]

I actually think it depends on the work load each has already. Does the wife mope around the house all day and watch soap operas? I mean, you can say "being a mom is a 24/7 job" but after 4-5 years, the kids are in school six hours a day which leaves you doing what? Being a couch potato? The house should be spotless by the time they got back home from school imo. Got well enough time to keep the house clean.

Time would be better spent doings some housework while the tv is on. Is the husband working so many hours and breaking his back every day that he is absolutely exhausted and falls asleep as soon as he gets home?

Just both partners should put as much effort as possible into the relationship as a whole without asking. Clean up messes without asking if there is time for it.

 

But if it's a simple desk job and you have a vibrant husband home at 5 pm, you might want him to help out. Unless he's under a lot of stress. It all depends.

[Guest5]

MWC..I used to listen to Dr. Laura..agreed with her a lot but not always of course. What did she mean by splitting chores based on household income. Not sure I understand. Does she mean if both make the same money, split chores equally but if one makes 70% of combined income and the other 30% then one the one who makes 30% should do 70% of the chores? Is that what she meant?

 

You said that's a load of crap but you're basically saying that the person who stays home should do pretty much all the housework (I'm not counting the man's maintenance work) except for maybe helping with the dishes sometimes.

 

That loon has a DOCTORATE in PHYSIOLOGY.... yeah... PHYSIOLOGY, not psychology... I wouldn't put much weight into her banter.

The person putting in 30% of the income might be the one doing back breaking labor all day and have no time for chores.

 

That would be great for me... I have a work at home business which is very easy for me but I make 80% of the income and pretty much can sit on my azz all day if i wanted to according to her theory.

[Guest2222]

It really depends on the type of person in which you would expect certain chores etc to be done. Was this person ever doing chores as a child and taking care of the home? If not, likely this male won't think it's his job later in life either and it's not easy for him to adjust to it either. A male relative on the other hand was always doing dishes since a child and cooking and has been ever since. Instill good habits in your child's behavior so they don't end up being a slacker.

[silktricks]

I remember once hearing Dr. Laura say that the chores should be split based on household income...what a load of crap!

 

I bet she wouldn't have said the same thing when the wife was making the most money. Dr. Laura is nothing if not a chauvinist.

 

On the subject of helping or not helping. My opinion is that both people should work together. I am not a stay at home mom. My husband is.

[Touche]

Silk, does your husband do most of the household chores since he stays home?

[Fairandbalanced]

In many of the comments it seems that there are assessments about what is fair and what is not fair, or about whether one persons job is harder than anothers. I believe most would agree as a starting point, that both partners time should be valued equally. Second, unless there is an agreement otherwise, it makes sense that the partner that has a higher earning potential would be the one working on the outside world.

 

Based on the assumption that both partners time is equally valued, then the stay at home partner should spend an equal amount of time doing house chores (and indeed that includes cleaning up the working partners mess) as the working partner spends earning a living (50% which goes to the stay at home partner). Once again the working partner literally spends half their time working for their partners benefit, why is it so unfair that the stay at home partner would spend some time cleaning the working partners mess? If early in a marriage, the stay at home partner spends over 8 hours a day taking care of children and cleaning, then by all means the working partner should help.

[silktricks]

Silk' date=' does your husband do most of the household chores since he stays home?[/quote']

 

No. For the most part we share the cooking and clothes washing. I generally do the dishes and we share house cleaning. He does most of the yard work.

[Guest]

I've been wondering what other people think of this. If a woman is a stay-at-home wife/mother and her husband works full-time, do you think the husband should be obligated to help with any household chores? (By the way, same question would apply in reverse if it's the husband who stays home.)

 

So what does everything think?

My wife stays at home with our son, and we believe in division of labor. She doesn't come to my office, draft pleadings, and conduct hearings at the court. Similarly, I don't do laundry.

 

That doesn't mean that I do not pick up after myself; that would just be rude. But, we maintaint the division of labor.