stillafool Posted October 9 Share Posted October 9 55 minutes ago, Sutton said: If he’s happy great, but please recognize the destruction you’re behavior caused to someone that you supposedly loved. I imagine your husband could say the same about you if he knew you were having an affair with this guy while married to him. So, if you've now changed and realized you love your husband and not this man then perhaps, he has met the woman he loves and has changed and will do better. I agree to forget about any rumors because people usually forget or half believe things they don't see with their own eyes. Just hope no rumors get back to your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 9 Author Share Posted October 9 My husband knows everything- including rumors. He has chosen to work on us as he has recognized he played a part in my infidelity by his actions at that time as well. He even called the OM and his wife at the time. I do love my husband and will probably suffer with shame for the rest of my life. If the OM has found his happy great, however I’m guessing his now finance does not know about his past infidelities based on his behavior pattern and position of power as a law enforcement officer. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 9 Share Posted October 9 1 minute ago, Sutton said: I do love my husband and will probably suffer with shame for the rest of my life. If the OM has found his happy great, however I’m guessing his now finance does not know about his past infidelities based on his behavior pattern and position of power as a law enforcement officer. It's good that your husband knows it all and if he's forgiven you then let the shame die. You know you will never make the choice to have an affair again. I wouldn't worry about, nor care what the other man is telling his now fiancé as that is their business and it will keep your thoughts on them rather than your husband and your lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 9 Author Share Posted October 9 You are correct and I appreciate your insights and help. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 (edited) He didn’t leave you in pieces - you did that to yourself. its not a man’s job to make you feel important, pretty or fixed. its your job to do that FOR YOURSELF! look in the mirror - there’s your closure. Your forgiveness and acceptance. it’s all on you - not anyone else. no one used you - you volunteered. The only one to blame is yourself - same with forgiveness and validation. stop blaming men for any and ALL of the way YOU feel! If you can’t then see a skilled therapist (a new one) at least once a week for a year. Edited October 10 by S2B 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 10 Author Share Posted October 10 Making someone feel even worse about their situation is mean. I am aware of my shortcomings and are working on many. Men are not the enemy. I am my own enemy Perhaps practicing empathy before responding would be kinder. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 (edited) This is not about making anyone feel any certain way. You missed the point. this is the same mindset that has you stuck. NO ONE can MAKE you feel a certain way. That is the whole point - and you would normally pay a ton of therapy money to come to that conclusion. so I ask you - why are you doing this to YOURSELF? What is the value in victimizing yourself? How can you let go of this misconception of being the victim? he made you feel a certain way? It is only up to you to make yourself feel that way…not the affair person. the victim here is your husband! Edited October 10 by S2B 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 (edited) OP, you might research the concept of internal (vs external) locus of identity. Some people with an internal locus of identity may have a hard time understanding how people with an external locus of identity experience things. Generally being aware of such things can help make one more self-aware and able to see where someone else may be coming from. At any rate though, however sad you may feel about it, TBQH and from everything you wrote, it really doesn't seem like this particular man was sincere in his feelings or words towards you, unfortunately. Edited October 10 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 On 10/6/2024 at 3:14 PM, Sutton said: He now tells anyone in town that we know that I am mentally unstable and that I harrassed him This is the excuse all married men who are serial cheaters tell their wives, employers and friends when caught in or after the affair with another woman. People know the rumors about him, so he isn't making himself look good by saying those things about you. However, now you have a reputation around town of being a cheating wife. It's good you told your husband so he will know how to handle it if someone tells him what was said by the OM. This will put any woman who has an interest in your husband on alert that they should go for him because he's married to a cheater. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 On 10/6/2024 at 3:14 PM, Sutton said: In full disclosure, he got a divorce because his wife found out about the two affairs he had prior to mine and also a sexual harassment claim against him as Chief of Police in our town. He was accused of and admittted to having sex with two women from his gym in the back of his city issued police vehicle. This was prior to my involvement with him and when I found out about it ( he only told me after he got caught) I was doubting having a life with him based on his not being truthful. Personally after finding this out about this man even before getting involved I'm surprised you would touch him with a 10 ft. pole. He sounds sleazy as hell. Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 If you weren't still emotionally invested, you wouldn't care, let your husband go, he deserves better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 As long as you are still focusing on the OM - and what he is or isn’t doing - you are keeping your betrayal alive and growing it bigger. work with a therapist to become completely neutral about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 10 Author Share Posted October 10 You are 100 percent correct and I am working on that. i think I am searching for other insights as to how did I miss the red flags ? And did the OM have red flags ? All I’m doing by posting here is asking for help and insights into the OM behavior and why I felt I could either change him and why I tolerated it and how to change that Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 10 Author Share Posted October 10 I agree. When he had to tell me about his other affairs it wasn’t out of full disclosure it was because he got caught, with another policeman’s wife, one of many women. and I tried to break it off multiple times as I’ve said in other posts. I think I am posting here just to seek advice as to the OM true personality and why was I sucked in so badly. i am living in shame hell and deserve it all. I am just trying to dissect the red flags that I missed and need help with that. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 13 minutes ago, Sutton said: why was I sucked in so badly. I imagine that the reason you were sucked in so badly was because you were miserable in your marriage and he told you the things you wanted to hear Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Sutton said: I think I am posting here just to seek advice as to the OM true personality and why was I sucked in so badly. The consensus is that the OM’s true personality can be accurately described as “lying, cheating, manipulating, sleazy, mean, petty, vengeful, delusional douchebag”. As for why you were sucked in so badly, the answer is simple. You lack self-respect and are therefore attracted to men who don’t respect you. Basically, in spite of your defensive tone in the thread, it is clear that deep down you don’t love yourself much. Your mistake is that you are confusing your actions with your essence. There is a wise Christian saying that goes, “Hate the sin, but love the sinner”. This advice on how to be moral yet tolerant and understanding also applies to our relationship with ourselves. Based on what I’ve read from you so far, you don’t “hate your sin” enough. The first step to true remorse is assuming full responsibility, but you keep shifting the blame onto the OM. I know you say that you did a terrible thing, but I don’t think you truly feel this way. It seems that you’re still thinking of that as “a terrible thing that has happened to me”. On the other hand, you also don’t “love the sinner” enough. If you loved yourself more, you’d never let this pathetic excuse for a man to even touch you, let alone prolong the affair and still obsessing with him after two years. If you loved and respected yourself as a free individual, image of God, one who acts out of her own free will and cannot be “made” to do anything or be anything, things would have been different. Edited October 11 by Gebidozo 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Sutton said: I am just trying to dissect the red flags that I missed Gebidozo has hit the nail on the head. In terms of your previous question, than answer is fairly obvious… the red flag was the fact that the man was married and having sex with his coworker’s wife - among others. Why you didn’t run when he disclosed that information to you is difficult to comprehend… but, you didn’t. You didn’t run because you were miserable in your marriage and you wanted to believe what he was telling you - you still want to be believe what he has told you. And, the reason why you want so desperately to believe his words is because you don’t love the sinner, as was so eloquently said above… If you had more self respect, if you loved yourself rather than seeking love and validation from men, you would have crossed the street when you saw this married man coming… He told you before you even got together that he was trouble with a capital “T.” Edited October 11 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 When you eliminate that OM from your vocabulary - and simply place the blame only on yourself - you will begin to make progress. your actions are only on you. Take a close look at only your actions. Take full responsibility for how you participated. How ONLY you participated! then you will see a perspective that you need to look at. be kind to yourself and be gentle - but be completely honest with yourself about everything you did and thought during that time. id be willing to bet your thoughts and actions were hyper focused on the aspect of cheating/getting time and attention for the OM. So take a look at what you did during that time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 11 Author Share Posted October 11 No defensive tone- I apologize if that’s how it came across- more a searching for what I missed- red flags- how I can better myself and love myself more- all who stated that 100 percent correct - but also a bit of frustration that I am still searching for answers. Therapy helps but also I am a thinker and fixer but also kind of have to dissect the problem, and then fix it. I did not see a side of the OM except what he showed me which during that time was he basically said all the right things. But also, knowing what I knew and but feeling like my brain was split- knowing I was horrible and wrong and the sinner- yet thinking, ok besides this one transgression, I have never even gotten a parking ticket- why did I think I was different and could change him. Also in full disclosure, I wasn’t unhappy with my marriage. And if my husband were here rn he would say he knew I was cheating, knew I was suffering and was trying to help me figure myself out. That’s true love to me. Yes was he angry- enraged- especially since the OM was supposedly his friend- also the other man’s role as Chief of Police- my thoughts and my husbands too were looking back- great guy- position of power but very humble, nice helpful etc etc- I know now there was another person there. So I k ow the consensus form most replying is I need more work and I thank you for that and will do that. No more energy to the OM From a therapists viewpoint or anyone replying that has background in this- was he narcissistic?!?! Or just a friggin scum bag who I fell for Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 13 hours ago, Sutton said: how did I miss the red flags ? Williful blindness. You found out whar he was about. And you didn't do anything but support him. You didn't miss anything. You just didn't want to believe it. 50 minutes ago, Sutton said: And if my husband were here rn he would say he knew I was cheating, knew I was suffering and was trying to help me figure myself out. That’s true love to me. What I see is a man with who was desperately trying to hang on to you despite your red flags - just like you tried to do with MM despite knowing he had behaved terribly. That speaks more to a shattered soul than true love. 57 minutes ago, Sutton said: was he narcissistic?!?! Ask yourself this: why is this such an important question for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 13 hours ago, Sutton said: You are 100 percent correct and I am working on that. i think I am searching for other insights as to how did I miss the red flags ? And did the OM have red flags ? All I’m doing by posting here is asking for help and insights into the OM behavior and why I felt I could either change him and why I tolerated it and how to change that Red flags? You've mentioned nothing but red flags that were flying with lights and glitter all through this thread. You didn't miss any red flags you just chose to ignore them because you wanted him. Still, you are asking for insight into the OM's behavior instead of what you can do to reconnect with your husband and put this affair behind you. You would do better to try to divert your thoughts to your husband when OM pops into your mind. Thinking and talking about him will keep you stuck. I'm curious, what is your therapist telling you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 So after all that talk of not thinking about the OM - you ask more questions about the OM. This is detrimental and you CAN control it. Most of why people have affairs is because the affair partner feeds your ego! focus on your marriage now. You got a chance to make the marriage better - take it! do you see the misstep? Just don’t do the questioning. At this point it is NOT productive for your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 11 Author Share Posted October 11 I agree with all posts. I am no victim- did it to myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 4 hours ago, Sutton said: From a therapists viewpoint or anyone replying that has background in this- was he narcissistic?!?! Or just a friggin scum bag who I fell for And yet again, in spite of our advices, you’re asking questions about the OM. You’re missing the entire point of what different people are telling you in this thread. The whole idea is to stop talking, worrying, analyzing, thinking about the OM. Yet you keep doing just that. On a side note, I generally don’t understand the desire to put labels on exes. Suppose a therapist gives you an official confirmation that he was narcissistic. How is that different from him being a scumbag? Maybe he was a narcissistic scumbag. Who cares? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sutton Posted October 11 Author Share Posted October 11 My therapists- I have two both say: He was a compulsive liar with narcissistic tendencies and used his position as Chief of Police to be charming and appear to be a man of true character. When I pushed back at him about his past affairs and negative behavior towards me, he lashes out by making me the problem and blaming his behavior on the fact that his wife didn’t love him the right way and life was short and he wanted to find someone to love him properly. I cracked his ego and he didn’t like it- hence the awful breakup and his since attempts to smear me even more. Both therapists also say I have to love myself, forgive myself, and move on. I am lucky to be married to the man I have because he is willing to help me heal from what past traumas I have never dealt with. Both also say the OMs behavior won’t ever change no matter who he finds to marry again. Link to post Share on other sites
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