What to think. Need advice

[Justagirl999]

The situation is kind of complicated. So I had this person that I've been talking to for several months. At some point things changed drastically and we started talking a lot less - just text a bit on the evening which was different from before...but still never miss a day. He was going through some personal stuff and pointed that as a reason. Despite that, he would always tell me that he likes me, wants to see me, that I can call him at any time even if he's not texting at that moment, he was even getting irritated if I don't text him or don't respond to him when he does, showed signs of jelousy numerous times...and all that was up untill the last day we talked. Here comes the but... Despite all that I got some weird feeling that something else was going on. He would go online but not text me back for hours later, obviously ignoring my message...He seemed...odd...different in some way and that has been for two months maybe. At first I tried to not pay much attention,  we all have our lives and things to do, it's not like I was texting him constantly either. One day he was texting throughout the day but dissapeared in the evening and didn't text back until the next day which was not something he would usually do. He didn't explain anything and I didn't ask. A few days later he sensed that something was off and wanted to talk cause he felt it had something to do with what happened . We talked for a long time and what he said basically was that we don't have the right to think if the other person is talking to or seeing someone else /which even though was true felt scetchy to me especially considering the fact that he would never talk like that before/, that I'm important to him even thought we haven't met yet and dont know what would happen once we do, that he wants for me to talk to him when something is bothering me so we can fix it and that we are not together but he doesn't want me to think that he has others. A few days later he repeated the same stuff on the phone. So basically up until our last talk it was the same - everytime when there was a problem of some way or I was feeling bad about something he would call and try to make things right, he would act jelous if I am out with another guy... he would be sweet to me, even getting angry at me when I would say "IF we see each other one day" instead of "WHEN we see each other"...But...he still felt distant and different...I got this weird feeling so... I decided that if he really wanted to see me he would have for all this time, that maybe he met someone else or something along those lines so...I decided to end our conversations. I told him and wished him all the best. At first he wished me all the best as well and stopped texting me back. Meanwhile shared a sad video on social media of someone crying. An hour later texted me that he actually met someone else, he's has been with her for a few days and is inlove. That's how things ended. A few days later he texted someone we both know, knowing that that person would tell me, saying that he was inlove and very happy with "his girl" /that he has been with only for a few days accourding to his words/, that he wasn't texting us both at the same time /but he did text me while he was supposedly already with her talking all this nice things, getting jelous and sending me pictures/, and that I can block him so I don't see him /while he knew he was already blocked for days/. Is it just me...or this feels a bit weird? I know that anyone can say anything and I can't believe all the nice thing he said before and that is in fact possible that he had someone after all we were just talking but...I don't know, I just got this weird feeling and wonder...is it just me or maybe something with this "confession" is off...

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Justagirl999 said:

The situation is kind of complicated. So I had this person that I've been talking to for several months. At some point things changed drastically and we started talking a lot less - just text a bit on the evening which was different from before...but still never miss a day. He was going through some personal stuff and pointed that as a reason. Despite that, he would always tell me that he likes me, wants to see me, that I can call him at any time even if he's not texting at that moment, he was even getting irritated if I don't text him or don't respond to him when he does, showed signs of jelousy numerous times...and all that was up untill the last day we talked. Here comes the but... Despite all that I got some weird feeling that something else was going on. He would go online but not text me back for hours later, obviously ignoring my message...He seemed...odd...different in some way and that has been for two months maybe. At first I tried to not pay much attention,  we all have our lives and things to do, it's not like I was texting him constantly either. One day he was texting throughout the day but dissapeared in the evening and didn't text back until the next day which was not something he would usually do. He didn't explain anything and I didn't ask. A few days later he sensed that something was off and wanted to talk cause he felt it had something to do with what happened . We talked for a long time and what he said basically was that we don't have the right to think if the other person is talking to or seeing someone else /which even though was true felt scetchy to me especially considering the fact that he would never talk like that before/, that I'm important to him even thought we haven't met yet and dont know what would happen once we do, that he wants for me to talk to him when something is bothering me so we can fix it and that we are not together but he doesn't want me to think that he has others. A few days later he repeated the same stuff on the phone. So basically up until our last talk it was the same - everytime when there was a problem of some way or I was feeling bad about something he would call and try to make things right, he would act jelous if I am out with another guy... he would be sweet to me, even getting angry at me when I would say "IF we see each other one day" instead of "WHEN we see each other"...But...he still felt distant and different...I got this weird feeling so... I decided that if he really wanted to see me he would have for all this time, that maybe he met someone else or something along those lines so...I decided to end our conversations. I told him and wished him all the best. At first he wished me all the best as well and stopped texting me back. Meanwhile shared a sad video on social media of someone crying. An hour later texted me that he actually met someone else, he's has been with her for a few days and is inlove. That's how things ended. A few days later he texted someone we both know, knowing that that person would tell me, saying that he was inlove and very happy with "his girl" /that he has been with only for a few days accourding to his words/, that he wasn't texting us both at the same time /but he did text me while he was supposedly already with her talking all this nice things, getting jelous and sending me pictures/, and that I can block him so I don't see him /while he knew he was already blocked for days/. Is it just me...or this feels a bit weird? I know that anyone can say anything and I can't believe all the nice thing he said before and that is in fact possible that he had someone after all we were just talking but...I don't know, I just got this weird feeling and wonder...is it just me or maybe something with this "confession" is off...

Talking for several months and expressing feelings of liking and wanting to see each other can definitely lead someone on and create expectations. 

He was in love with someone after only a few days of being with them is also a little questionable. Seems like an awfully short amount of time to develop such strong feelings. Either he had a girlfriend all along, was pursuing someone else, or he just said that to try and hurt you for breaking things off with him. He told you to block him so you don't see him, yet he was the one who initiated the conversation with the person you both know. It's almost like he wanted to make sure you were aware of his new relationship and how happy he was.

Too much is unknown, and I don't mean to stir up any doubt on your part. I say, let it go. You ended communication, so move on. Chances are, you were headed that way anyhow. 

Edited October 8 by Alpacalia

[Justagirl999]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Talking for several months and expressing feelings of liking and wanting to see each other can definitely lead someone on and create expectations. 

He was in love with someone after only a few days of being with them is also a little questionable. Seems like an awfully short amount of time to develop such strong feelings. Either he had a girlfriend all along, was pursuing someone else, or he just said that to try and hurt you for breaking things off with him. He told you to block him so you don't see him, yet he was the one who initiated the conversation with the person you both know. It's almost like he wanted to make sure you were aware of his new relationship and how happy he was.

Too much is unknown, and I don't mean to stir up any doubt on your part. I say, let it go. You ended communication, so move on. Chances are, you were headed that way anyhow. 

Exactly! I don’t think he had a girlfriend all along cause we would talk everyday, most of the days throughout the whole day and until late at night. I think It’s more like he was either pursuing someone else for the past two months and that’s why he felt different and stopped texting so much /he also had some serious problems that I was aware of/ even though he would still say all the nice things and care if I was hurt by something even when I wasn’t saying anything or he would still get jealous…

Or he was mad that I broke things of /he posted the crying man right after I told him/ and decided to try and hurt me. Like…if you are so inlove…why would you at the same time tell me to call you whenever I like, that there was no one around you that attracts you and you want to meet me…

I’m so confused and don’t know what to think… 

Thanks for your comment! 

[Leihla_B]

All this with never even meeting in person? Why not?

Anyone who won't meet within a week or two has zero to offer you beyond a bunch of words that prompt fantasies 'around' them. That's nothing more than a scam.

[Justagirl999]

52 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

All this with never even meeting in person? Why not?

Anyone who won't meet within a week or two has zero to offer you beyond a bunch of words that prompt fantasies 'around' them. That's nothing more than a scam.

We live far away from each other. Apparently he had a plan to come and surprise me /that’s what I found out now from the person we both know, he contacted them back then to help with the surprise/ but then his problems happened. I don’t know if I was right but…still felt like for all this time if he wanted to he would…you know… 

[Leihla_B]

5 minutes ago, Justagirl999 said:

We live far away from each other. Apparently he had a plan to come and surprise me /that’s what I found out now from the person we both know, he contacted them back then to help with the surprise/ but then his problems happened. I don’t know if I was right but…still felt like for all this time if he wanted to he would…you know… 

How far away? Look, if meeting someone is this difficult, then what kind of relationship can you expect to have with them beyond words?

[Alpacalia]

19 minutes ago, Justagirl999 said:

We live far away from each other. Apparently he had a plan to come and surprise me /that’s what I found out now from the person we both know, he contacted them back then to help with the surprise/ but then his problems happened. I don’t know if I was right but…still felt like for all this time if he wanted to he would…you know… 

I get that when you live far away from someone that it might take a bit of planning and time to coordinate but then why seek you out initially?

😳 

[Justagirl999]

15 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

How far away? Look, if meeting someone is this difficult, then what kind of relationship can you expect to have with them beyond words?

You’re right! We live 4-…5 hours away which is not impossible distance. And eventually someone would have to move obviously. But taking this long to meet…I felt like we were just wasting time at this point /even though he would get mad every time I say that/

[Justagirl999]

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I get that when you live far away from someone that it might take a bit of planning and time to coordinate but then why seek you out initially?

😳

Right? He knew where I was from even before we started talking.

[Leihla_B]

30 minutes ago, Justagirl999 said:

You’re right! We live 4-…5 hours away which is not impossible distance. And eventually someone would have to move obviously. But taking this long to meet…I felt like we were just wasting time at this point /even though he would get mad every time I say that/

Even if you meet, how can this possibly get off the ground--I mean off the phone?

No point in telling someone you're wasting your time, just recognize it and stop doing it.

Head high, and date local men.

[Justagirl999]

20 minutes ago, Leihla_B said:

Even if you meet, how can this possibly get off the ground--I mean off the phone?

No point in telling someone you're wasting your time, just recognize it and stop doing it.

Head high, and date local men.

It could have…I’ve seen it happen, I guess that’s why I was optimistic about it. At some point I realised that apparently it could happen for others but not for me

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Justagirl999 said:

Right? He knew where I was from even before we started talking.

There's a reason when someone starts up LDRs that you become skeptical and you go to other things in your life. That people do that as a distraction with their real lives.

[MsJayne]

He's told you he's "in love". Take him at his word, even though you know it's BS, and respond accordingly - he has a girlfriend, it's no longer appropriate to keep your non-relationship going and a waste of time and energy wondering what happened. 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Justagirl999 said:

I felt like we were just wasting time at this point /even though he would get mad every time I say that.

He can get mad all he wants, but that doesn't mean you should stop listening to your commonsense. 

If you're in a relationship and it's feels like it's got no future, it's best to end it.  They may disagree, but you don't need their permission to break up

[Gebidozo]

OP, I don’t understand why you wasted so much of your time and emotions on that guy.

You’ve been talking for months and he still made no effort to meet you in person? Obviously, he isn’t really interested in you romantically.

His jealousy, anger, controlling and evasive behavior are even worse, of course. He basically got tired of his own emotional games, got himself a girlfriend, and is now bragging everywhere how much he is “in love” with her. In love? After only a few days? Following months of pseudo-romantic conversations with you?

This guy is an immature clown. I’m sure you can do so much better.

[Justagirl999]

14 hours ago, MsJayne said:

He's told you he's "in love". Take him at his word, even though you know it's BS, and respond accordingly - he has a girlfriend, it's no longer appropriate to keep your non-relationship going and a waste of time and energy wondering what happened. 

That's the thing that irritates me - you abviously can't be "in love" in only a few days. You're either lying about how long has it been since you've got that girl /in which case...what love...you were texting and calling me the whole time/ or you're just trying to make me feel bad - what for? I didn't do or say anything hurtful... 

[Justagirl999]

12 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

OP, I don’t understand why you wasted so much of your time and emotions on that guy.

You’ve been talking for months and he still made no effort to meet you in person? Obviously, he isn’t really interested in you romantically.

His jealousy, anger, controlling and evasive behavior are even worse, of course. He basically got tired of his own emotional games, got himself a girlfriend, and is now bragging everywhere how much he is “in love” with her. In love? After only a few days? Following months of pseudo-romantic conversations with you?

This guy is an immature clown. I’m sure you can do so much better.

My previous relationship started the same way only with someone a lot closer - only texting for a long time. We ended up in a long relationship. 

He was doing more than just texting and was long distance...so I guess that's why I thought that things might work out eventually untill I realized that they won't.

I guess you're right! I hope something better is coming!

[Justagirl999]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

He can get mad all he wants, but that doesn't mean you should stop listening to your commonsense. 

If you're in a relationship and it's feels like it's got no future, it's best to end it.  They may disagree, but you don't need their permission to break up

True! 

[ExpatInItaly]

You over-invested in someone you have never met. Don't do that again. 

If you can't meet reasonably soon after you start talking, and won't be able to meet very regularly, there's not much point in putting yourself on hold for the other person. Whether or not he is lying about being in love with someone else is beside the point. 

It's time you stopped wasting your time on this guy. 

[stillafool]

22 hours ago, Justagirl999 said:

I’m so confused and don’t know what to think… 

I think he already had a girlfriend all the while he was talking to you and then when you broke it off, he made sure you found out about her just to hurt you.  There's nothing to be confused about except why you spent so much time talking to a guy who wasn't interested enough to make plans to see you.  Don't spend that much time again before meeting and going on a date with a man.  As you can see it was a massive waste of your time.  Also don't stay quiet when you want to know something, ask questions.

[Justagirl999]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You over-invested in someone you have never met. Don't do that again. 

If you can't meet reasonably soon after you start talking, and won't be able to meet very regularly, there's not much point in putting yourself on hold for the other person. Whether or not he is lying about being in love with someone else is beside the point. 

It's time you stopped wasting your time on this guy. 

I realized that! My hopes to find a nice guy made me close my eyes for a lot of stuff that I souldn't have.

[Justagirl999]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I think he already had a girlfriend all the while he was talking to you and then when you broke it off, he made sure you found out about her just to hurt you.  There's nothing to be confused about except why you spent so much time talking to a guy who wasn't interested enough to make plans to see you.  Don't spend that much time again before meeting and going on a date with a man.  As you can see it was a massive waste of your time.  Also don't stay quiet when you want to know something, ask questions.

I did ask a lot of questions. And he would always calmly explain everything. That's part of the reason why I thought things might work out despite all the odds. I guess it was all a well rehearsed behavior...Who knows...

[smackie9]

Some people prefer the online fantasy relationship because they want the control. There are no stresses about performance, or money, or keeping up appearances, having to get along with people in your life, etc. They have their life and their little fantasy world where they can lose themselves, say whatever is fitting, sweet little lies, whatever. You will be just a text message away. That's why chatting with someone for months can turn out to be a loss cause. 

[Justagirl999]

On 10/9/2024 at 10:26 PM, smackie9 said:

Some people prefer the online fantasy relationship because they want the control. There are no stresses about performance, or money, or keeping up appearances, having to get along with people in your life, etc. They have their life and their little fantasy world where they can lose themselves, say whatever is fitting, sweet little lies, whatever. You will be just a text message away. That's why chatting with someone for months can turn out to be a loss cause. 

It makes sense, yeah...

I'm just mad at myself for waisting so much of my time on someone who was obviously good with words and nothing more. That's my problem - trying always to be so understanding of other people's problems and trying not to be rude to anyone or hurt anyone...Makes me look and feel stupid at the end. I should've stopped this comunication a long time ago but I felt bad for his problems and felt like it wasn't the time so decided to keep going and see..."who knows, maybe the problems really are the reason for everything". They obviously weren't but...I learned that the hard way. But...Life goes on. I hope I've learned my lesson and do things differently next time. 

[Leihla_B]

7 hours ago, Justagirl999 said:

It makes sense, yeah...

I'm just mad at myself for waisting so much of my time on someone who was obviously good with words and nothing more. That's my problem - trying always to be so understanding of other people's problems and trying not to be rude to anyone or hurt anyone...Makes me look and feel stupid at the end. I should've stopped this comunication a long time ago but I felt bad for his problems and felt like it wasn't the time so decided to keep going and see..."who knows, maybe the problems really are the reason for everything". They obviously weren't but...I learned that the hard way. But...Life goes on. I hope I've learned my lesson and do things differently next time. 

Try working backward from what you've been doing. You've been trying to accommodate the preferences of others instead of figuring out what YOU want a relationship to look like. Do you want to build a fantasy with someone from afar with low to zero odds, or do you want to experience a realistic in-person relationship where you get to know someone well. Not just their words, but their behaviors, their style, their demonstration of their morals, their work ethic, their beliefs, and how they treat people--all in front of your eyes?

Anybody can type messages. There are shifts of people who take over personas of created personalities to groom gullible people to fall in love with a fantasy. Read up on this.