How do I win her back after initially rejecting her?

[Kitchen]

    I travel for work, I met her at my travel gig, it's not permanent. We met 6 months ago, but I haven't been there or seen her in 2+ months. We started flirting and got close relatively quickly, and it turned physical. She was (perhaps still is) into me. But she was going through a divorce and has kids. I have no kids and never saw myself being with someone who does, so I told her that I don't see this ever getting serious. We continued talking, hanging out, it was always flirty. And over the last 2 months our talks continued: like 6 hours a week on the phone. Then I found myself really falling for her, and I told her so 3 weeks ago. I told her I've changed my mind and am ok with kids. She doesn't believe me after being so firm initially. I did a lot of soul searching and concluded that, if I am happy with someone else, what the hell does it matter whether they have kids or not. I know it won't be easy, but I am willing to work through it, for her. I told her I want her, all of her, her whole life, including her kids. I'm ready to commit and be serious.

Like I said, she doesn't believe that I'm serious, but also now she says she's not sure what she wants. I'm offering to fly back there just to see her for an hour. I offered to fly her to her favorite city together. I want to move mountains to be with her. But she told me she's not ready to see me. I told her I can't continue talking on the phone this much because it will be hurtful if we don't have a future together. She's upset that I am walking away now, only after knowing I like her. Whereas she stuck around and still does, as "friends". 

I think she's still into me, but I can feel her pulling away somewhat now that I've opened up. Maybe she's pulling away because now she doesn't have the chase anymore, or maybe because she doesn't want to get hurt again. I've decided that the only way I can salvage is by somehow trying to get work there again. I can strike up the spark in person, so I am desperately trying to get more work there. I said we can be friends, but I won't be calling her so much anymore. I need to prepare for the worst in case it doesn't work out. But I want it to work. Any advice?

As far as our backgrounds: we are both in our late thirties. She's been in a dead end marriage and has been wanting to leave for like 10 years, tried to stay together for the kids, but realized she can't. She has no attachment or desire for her ex any longer. And me I am single no kids.

[flitzanu]

simple answer is that she is still married, and now that you actually want a relationship she can't do that because she is still in fact, married, and maybe isn't actually divorcing.

 

 

[Kitchen]

4 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

simple answer is that she is still married, and now that you actually want a relationship she can't do that because she is still in fact, married, and maybe isn't actually divorcing.

 

 

No - she is officially divorced

Edited October 8 by Kitchen

[Kitchen]

Bump. Any advice?

[ExpatInItaly]

If she told you she isn't ready to see you, trying to force this to happen is not going to work. 

My guess? There is someone local on her radar that she's also exploring and doesn't want you coming and raining on that parade. She enjoys your virtual company but doesn't want more than that from you any longer. 

On 10/8/2024 at 7:33 PM, Kitchen said:

I told her I want her, all of her, her whole life, including her kids.

I would slow your roll here. You don't actually know her that well, given that you only met 6 months ago. It is a pretty bold assertion for a woman you only spent a few months with. 

On 10/8/2024 at 7:33 PM, Kitchen said:

I've decided that the only way I can salvage is by somehow trying to get work there again. I can strike up the spark in person, so I am desperately trying to get more work there

Again, I think you may be idealizing this person and the whole situation. She might be a wonderful lady but the sense of desperation is concerning. You haven't really had a proper relationship and don't know if you're actually suited to each other. I get that seeing each other again in person is the way to start to assess that, but she's resistant even to meeting. That should tell you what you need to know. She doesn't want what you want out of this anymore. 

I'm sorry. 

[Leihla_B]

Sounds like she was fine with casual.

I don't know where so many people pick up the idea that there's some kind of magical outcome to be gained by pulling off a full confessional feelings dump onto another person without any knowledge of or regard for where that person may actually stand--or want to stand--with them. 

Successful relationships build reciprocally. One person asks something and hears an answer, the other asks things and hears the answers, both go forward together as they keep testing the waters with new questions and answers.

A sudden pronouncement of undying love that comes out of nowhere doesn't usually fare well. Even if the other was invested to the degree that both were enjoying this thing until now, that kind of sudden emotional overkill can really kill it.

[basil67]

Long distance relationships aren't terribly feasible at the best of times, but with kids involved, it becomes so much more difficult again.   Even if she likes you, I don't know how you'd make this work.  How often are you thinking of flying her and the kids to come see you?   Have you considered what an upheaval this would be to their lives?

Also, have you considered that she might not want to leap back into a relationship?