What to think, and what to do?

[Runninggirl]

Hi! 

From previous experience Ive become afraid to do the wrong thing, over analyze or ignore red flags. Im trying to be ahead of time and get some good advice on a new guy Im seeing. 

We started talking 2-3 weeks ago. Ive met him before on several occasions, but never alone. He's quite handsome and his life values seem to match mine really well. His life fits mine very well, at least it seems like it now. 

The downside is he doesn't seem very good at taking initiative, he more hints about meeting and Ive been the one who's taken the actual initiative. 

I suggested we meet up for coffee a day before on tuesday. He wasn't available the day after and suggested we would meet right away. I got nervous, but went. He picked me up in his car, and at first I was super nervous, but it quickly went away. We sat at a cafe talking about absolutely everything and nothing until it got quite late (we already met quite late since it was spontaneous). 

On the drive back he kept saying how nice it was to see me, gave me a ridiculous amounts of compliments (I almost feel like this is love bombing?), and said how comfortable he felt around me. He seemed so open and honest and Im here for it. 

We stopped outside my apartment to say goodnight, and there was no hinting or hoping to come in. But he kissed me in a very loving way several times before I left. I really didnt want to leave and just sat there holding his hand. He kissed me on the cheek as well before I left. 

We met up again on sunday, we played board games and had dinner at my place. From the second we met he kept kissing me and holding me in a very "relationship" kind of way. I found out he's somewhat recently single, which made me instantly nervous and skeptical. They broke up a few months ago from my understanding, and like 3-4 months ago. Which in my opinion is not really a long time. 

Like the last time he kept giving me compliments and flirting and kissing me. I made it clear it wouldn't go further than that and it was zero issue to my surprise. He didnt really seem to be making a move either. He kissed my head and my forehead a few times and it melted me, but also made me think - do you just miss your ex? Although he was the one who broke up, Im still worried its a rebound thing. 

Later after he got home he texted me and thanked me for an amazing time. It basically said "It was so nice to see you - like always. Im sure you're already sleeping, but I hope you wake up tomorrow and feel great and have an amazing start of the week. Sweet dreams :*" 

I answered in the same way, and the next morning I wished him a good start of the week and monday. He replied nicely, but now I haven't really heard anything in two days and Im starting to worry. We mostly spoke almost every day, although we didnt text a ton. 

I caved and texted him today and asked how his day was. I got a sweet response, but his following messages seemed a bit disinterested.

 

What are the correct moves forward on this now? ❤️ 

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

Like the last time he kept giving me compliments and flirting and kissing me. I made it clear it wouldn't go further than that and it was zero issue to my surprise.

This is the part that I don’t quite understand. You didn’t want to take the physical intimacy a step further. Why would it be an issue to him? You only started talking 2-3 weeks ago. That was only your second date.

Of course he must accept that you aren’t ready to go further yet. Did you expect him to insist and keep trying in spite of your clear refusal? Now that wouldn’t be a very good sign.

As for the rebound issue, well, my experience tells me that the time needed to get over an ex varies greatly from person to person. Some people are genuinely ready to move on right away. Other still can’t get over an ex after 2 years. In most cases, it’s a bit more complicated than that.

There is often some melancholy and nostalgic residues and yes, feelings for an ex, but as long as these aren’t actively romantic feelings, I don’t think you should overanalyze it. He might miss his ex, but not really love her or want her sexually.

Unless there are some clear indicators that he is longing to return to his ex and is only using you to make himself feel less lonely in the meantime, I don’t think you should be too suspicious.

 

Edited October 8 by Gebidozo

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I caved and texted him today and asked how his day was. I got a sweet response, but his following messages seemed a bit disinterested.

In my experience when the interest is high, it shows. He is fresh out of a relationship so it may be best to give him a wider berth in this instance. Wait to see how you feel when/if he does reach out and communicate from there. 

Edited October 9 by Alpacalia

[Goodguy05]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Hi! 

From previous experience Ive become afraid to do the wrong thing, over analyze or ignore red flags. Im trying to be ahead of time and get some good advice on a new guy Im seeing. 

We started talking 2-3 weeks ago. Ive met him before on several occasions, but never alone. He's quite handsome and his life values seem to match mine really well. His life fits mine very well, at least it seems like it now. 

The downside is he doesn't seem very good at taking initiative, he more hints about meeting and Ive been the one who's taken the actual initiative. 

I suggested we meet up for coffee a day before on tuesday. He wasn't available the day after and suggested we would meet right away. I got nervous, but went. He picked me up in his car, and at first I was super nervous, but it quickly went away. We sat at a cafe talking about absolutely everything and nothing until it got quite late (we already met quite late since it was spontaneous). 

On the drive back he kept saying how nice it was to see me, gave me a ridiculous amounts of compliments (I almost feel like this is love bombing?), and said how comfortable he felt around me. He seemed so open and honest and Im here for it. 

We stopped outside my apartment to say goodnight, and there was no hinting or hoping to come in. But he kissed me in a very loving way several times before I left. I really didnt want to leave and just sat there holding his hand. He kissed me on the cheek as well before I left. 

We met up again on sunday, we played board games and had dinner at my place. From the second we met he kept kissing me and holding me in a very "relationship" kind of way. I found out he's somewhat recently single, which made me instantly nervous and skeptical. They broke up a few months ago from my understanding, and like 3-4 months ago. Which in my opinion is not really a long time. 

Like the last time he kept giving me compliments and flirting and kissing me. I made it clear it wouldn't go further than that and it was zero issue to my surprise. He didnt really seem to be making a move either. He kissed my head and my forehead a few times and it melted me, but also made me think - do you just miss your ex? Although he was the one who broke up, Im still worried its a rebound thing. 

Later after he got home he texted me and thanked me for an amazing time. It basically said "It was so nice to see you - like always. Im sure you're already sleeping, but I hope you wake up tomorrow and feel great and have an amazing start of the week. Sweet dreams :*" 

I answered in the same way, and the next morning I wished him a good start of the week and monday. He replied nicely, but now I haven't really heard anything in two days and Im starting to worry. We mostly spoke almost every day, although we didnt text a ton. 

I caved and texted him today and asked how his day was. I got a sweet response, but his following messages seemed a bit disinterested.

 

What are the correct moves forward on this now? ❤️ 

Reading your story put things a little into perspective of my own story. You can read mine we seem to be in the same boat. And being male and you female it's nice to hear it's not only me that experiences this type of confusion. I mean it's not nice your going through it I get it it's confusing. I guess the take away for me is if someone is interested in you, they show it like you did.

Edited October 9 by Goodguy05

[Runninggirl]

There's no sign that he's not over his ex and all the facts I do have is that we had amazing dates and his texts shows lots of interest. My worry is based off his lack of texting, lack of initiative. Another day has gone by without a word. I did text him yesterday, and his replies to my texts wasn't complete disinterest, he gave me lots of positive feedback, and his last text was with warm emojis and kissing emojis. So it seemed friendly.

After a lot of thinking I think he liked me, but maybe isn't sure if he's really looking for a relationship due to him recently becoming single. He could have longed for being single in the relationship and doesn't want to be strung down, or feel suffocated. Its very unfortunate though, I really feel like we have connection and it seemed like he thought so too. He might just need some time. Which is understandable, but difficult for me on the other end. 

It could of course be that its just normal days, he doesn't feel like he need to put in so much effort now that Ive confirmed that I like him too, and that he'll reach out over the weekend instead. I know he's had some sort of plans every day after work this week. We've never had a lot of texting, which was actually nice. Just wish he would have texted me once per day, a little "How was your day", or "hope you will have a nice day" or a good night-text or something. 

[FredEire]

On 10/8/2024 at 7:46 PM, Gebidozo said:

This is the part that I don’t quite understand. You didn’t want to take the physical intimacy a step further. Why would it be an issue to him? You only started talking 2-3 weeks ago. That was only your second date.

Of course he must accept that you aren’t ready to go further yet. Did you expect him to insist and keep trying in spite of your clear refusal? Now that wouldn’t be a very good sign.

As for the rebound issue, well, my experience tells me that the time needed to get over an ex varies greatly from person to person. Some people are genuinely ready to move on right away. Other still can’t get over an ex after 2 years. In most cases, it’s a bit more complicated than that.

There is often some melancholy and nostalgic residues and yes, feelings for an ex, but as long as these aren’t actively romantic feelings, I don’t think you should overanalyze it. He might miss his ex, but not really love her or want her sexually.

Unless there are some clear indicators that he is longing to return to his ex and is only using you to make himself feel less lonely in the meantime, I don’t think you should be too suspicious.

 

Almost seems to be a wish that he'd make a move so it could all be written off as a guy who just wants sex to get over his ex.

Which I think is interesting. Is there some self-protection by looking for the worst case scenario going on?

[Gebidozo]

45 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Almost seems to be a wish that he'd make a move so it could all be written off as a guy who just wants sex to get over his ex.

Which I think is interesting. Is there some self-protection by looking for the worst case scenario going on?

Probably, and I totally understand it. I can’t stand uncertainty. Looks like the OP wants clearer signs in this or another direction. So far, it’s been a bit murky.

Also, I’m afraid there is never 100% clarity in those things. He might be really lonely and needy and sexually starved now, but at the same time developing feelings for the OP. There is no contradiction here.

Maybe the OP could have more clarity concerning what exactly she wants from the guy. And then act accordingly. Some things just need to be done out of gut feeling and trust. 

Edited October 10 by Gebidozo

[Runninggirl]

Definitely a protection thing to look for worst case. I’m really trying to look at the clear facts; he did say multiple times how happy he was to be there, the text after etc. but it still feels weird to not really hear anything for four days… I mean except his replies.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

After a lot of thinking I think he liked me, but maybe isn't sure if he's really looking for a relationship due to him recently becoming single. He could have longed for being single in the relationship and doesn't want to be strung down, or feel suffocated.

You realize this is all your assumption, right? 

He didn't actually say or indicate any of that himself. Try not to assume that your fears are facts. See how the next couple weeks play out. I personally would let him come to me now. If it's usually you reaching out and initiating, give him the opportunity to do so. That will tell you something about his real level of interest. 

[Runninggirl]

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You realize this is all your assumption, right? 

He didn't actually say or indicate any of that himself. Try not to assume that your fears are facts. See how the next couple weeks play out. I personally would let him come to me now. If it's usually you reaching out and initiating, give him the opportunity to do so. That will tell you something about his real level of interest. 

Thank you. I’m definitely projecting my fears based on previous negative experiences on to him. It’s just difficult because I’ve become hypersensitive to change of demeanor, because in the past my assumptions have mostly been true. 
 

I need to remind myself too that we’ve been on two pretty casual dates, and my expectations should match our investment. Although I wish he would give me reassurance and a lot of attention to feel safe, doesn’t mean that the lack of it automatically means he’s not into me or that it’s not going in the right direction. We might just be ready for two different speeds.

He could also be dealing with things that make him go at a slower than normal pace, based on previous experiences. Then time will show whether we are able to find some middle ground, or if our different needs makes it impossible. 
 

I feel a sense of urgency based off fear that he’ll loose interest, or that someone else will get a chance etc.

However, I do find it a bit strange that he hasn’t reached out at all since our last date, when the date itself really seem to be a hit, and he confirmed that by sending a more than polite message after.

I also know it’s normal that if one has a very intense date etc it’s common with a refraction period to digest how one feels, I’ve become like that myself when I’m very assured the other person is INTO me.

I don’t expect to see him this weekend, but if he doesn’t initiate anything the next weekend it probably isn’t a good sign. Time will tell.

[stillafool]

On 10/8/2024 at 5:00 PM, Runninggirl said:

We met up again on sunday, we played board games and had dinner at my place.

Was this by your invitation?  Try not to have guys over at your place for dinner and to hang out so soon.  It puts you in a position to have sex.  We've told you this before.  Glad that he didn't make a move toward that with you.  Let him call and invite you out.

[Runninggirl]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

Was this by your invitation?  Try not to have guys over at your place for dinner and to hang out so soon.  It puts you in a position to have sex.  We've told you this before.  Glad that he didn't make a move toward that with you.  Let him call and invite you out.

It was by my invitation. Its also a cultural thing here, its more normal to have the first few days at home actually. 

I was on my period anyway so I felt very comfortable inviting him knowing I had a "valid excuse" that would make it easy to say no. He didnt make a move or put me in a position to have sex at all. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me, and showing his romantic interest, not sexual one. The text after also indicated that it went very well, and a lot of comments he made during. 

Another day has gone by with no texts. Its painful to sit and wait and difficult to not think about it. But I will let him get a chance to reach out, and try to remind myself constantly that all the problems might just be in my head, that its just a normal frequency based off of how new this was.

[fred123]

14 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

It was by my invitation. Its also a cultural thing here, its more normal to have the first few days at home actually. 

I was on my period anyway so I felt very comfortable inviting him knowing I had a "valid excuse" that would make it easy to say no. He didnt make a move or put me in a position to have sex at all. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me, and showing his romantic interest, not sexual one. The text after also indicated that it went very well, and a lot of comments he made during. 

Another day has gone by with no texts. Its painful to sit and wait and difficult to not think about it. But I will let him get a chance to reach out, and try to remind myself constantly that all the problems might just be in my head, that its just a normal frequency based off of how new this was.

I'm confused. You said he doesn't text u yet you said he does reply...?

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

However, I do find it a bit strange that he hasn’t reached out at all since our last date, when the date itself really seem to be a hit, and he confirmed that by sending a more than polite message after.

When you said this does this mean he hasn't reached out AGAIN after sending you a polite message after the get together at your place?

[Runninggirl]

Yes, he hasn't reached out after that one text right after our date. Our communication since our date has been the following: 

About 1 hour after our date on sunday I got the following text: "Wow ❤️  Thanks for tonight. It was so nice - again  I hope you're already asleep and that you are super ready for a new week ❤️ Sleep tight 😘"

I replied in the same manner, and felt great.

Monday morning I texted him and wished him a great start of the week, he replied and we didnt really text anymore.

On tuesday I didnt hear anything all day and on the evening I started to worry, but thought I was being crazy and just texted him first instead asking how his day. He replied:

"aw, its so cute of you to ask. I had a mediocre day, it was a pretty ordinary day. How was your day?" and I tried texting a bit back and forth, I got proper responses, but as they got shorter I realized it was time to end it, so I said 

"Hope you sleep well when you go to bed, enjoy the rest of your evening :)" 

He replied something along the lines of "You too, sleep well when you go 😘"

And that's the last Ive heard from him. Now its been two more days. He hasn't initiated a text since before we met. We didnt text everyday before our date, but he did at least text me a few times during the week before the last weekend. We almost spoke every single day. 

[FredEire]

10 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Yes, he hasn't reached out after that one text right after our date. Our communication since our date has been the following: 

About 1 hour after our date on sunday I got the following text: "Wow ❤️  Thanks for tonight. It was so nice - again  I hope you're already asleep and that you are super ready for a new week ❤️ Sleep tight 😘"

I replied in the same manner, and felt great.

Monday morning I texted him and wished him a great start of the week, he replied and we didnt really text anymore.

On tuesday I didnt hear anything all day and on the evening I started to worry, but thought I was being crazy and just texted him first instead asking how his day. He replied:

"aw, its so cute of you to ask. I had a mediocre day, it was a pretty ordinary day. How was your day?" and I tried texting a bit back and forth, I got proper responses, but as they got shorter I realized it was time to end it, so I said 

"Hope you sleep well when you go to bed, enjoy the rest of your evening :)" 

He replied something along the lines of "You too, sleep well when you go 😘"

And that's the last Ive heard from him. Now its been two more days. He hasn't initiated a text since before we met. We didnt text everyday before our date, but he did at least text me a few times during the week before the last weekend. We almost spoke every single day. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with just dropping him a text asking if he has any plans for the weekend. If he responds with something flaky then maybe time to move on.

There could be endless reasons why he's pulled back, but to me tbh everything you've described about your interactions so far seems positive. It may be that something you said or did unintentionally could be giving him not interested vibes, so it's worth seeing where he's actually at imo.

[flitzanu]

you're not in a relationship, so there's no expectation that he should be texting you every single day.  you're making it into an unspoken rule that he isn't texting you daily therefore he doesn't like you, but that's not reality.  you've been on two dates, if you want to have deep conversation, you're allowed to reach out to him.

it sounds like you are wanting him to ask you out, and waiting for that, so unfortunately that is what has to happen...you wait and see.  if he doesn't ask you out you will have your answer and then you can move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Although I wish he would give me reassurance and a lot of attention to feel safe, doesn’t mean that the lack of it automatically means he’s not into me or that it’s not going in the right direction.

Let this be an exercise in developing some healthy resilience. You shouldn't be looking to a guy you've been out with twice to make you feel "safe." Giving you a lot of attention and reassurance would only be enabling your insecurity, really. It sounds like you could do with some self-soothing technqiues to learn how to better manage the normal uncertainties of dating. 

4 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Its painful to sit and wait and difficult to not think about it.

This is your sign that you're already overly-invested in the idea of this man. Sure, it's disappointing when we don't hear from someone we like, but painful after just 2 dates means this is more about trying to patch up some pre-existing wounds rather than assessing true interest. 

6 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I feel a sense of urgency based off fear that he’ll loose interest, or that someone else will get a chance etc.

You have him on a pedestal here. How do you even know if he is worth a chance? You are so worried about keeping his attention that you don't seem to be considering the possibility that he might not be right for you. He might be great, or he might be a dud - but why assume right out of the gate that he is all that and a bag of Cheetos? 

[Runninggirl]

You guys are absolutely right, I can't expect too much and shouldn't invest too much in the idea either. But its hard to stay cucumber cool when I really like him. But I recognize my impatience. 

On thursday I texted him again because I could suddenly see northern lights which you dont see here. I wanted him to see it too. Our communication was very positive, still I couldn't shake a bad feeling. 

Yesterday he sent me a photo that he was outside of my work, and we ended up texting a little bit back and forth throughout the day, but nothing crazy. 

He's still warm and charming, but I can't explain what it is that still gives me a bad feeling. There's something in me that gets the vibes that he's really just after sex, or that Im being used in some way. 

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Runninggirl said:

 

He's still warm and charming, but I can't explain what it is that still gives me a bad feeling. There's something in me that gets the vibes that he's really just after sex, or that Im being used in some way. 

You are doing exactly what you said in your first post in this topic that you DO NOT want to do - over analyzing.  

Also in your efforts of "being ahead of time," you are standing in your own way of letting this unfold, getting to know what this guy is about, and letting him get to know you.

As another poster has mentioned, you don't seem to be getting to know HIM at all.  Your only focus seems to be on how "into" you he is or is not.   You want a lot of texting like some people do in a relationship, you want to feel "safe" with him, but ... you still don't know him.

You don't know him.  This is the time to get to know him.  

I do think he might be interested in having a fun FWB situation.   He doesn't seem to be pushing for sex but he's coming on  strong with the making out and stuff,  and not so much with the eagerness to go out with you.

Why don't you step back from your spinning about him and see what he does on his own.   

Most importantly, demote this virtual stranger from such a primary spot in your life.  Do what you enjoy with friends and your hobbies, work or whatever.  and try to be fully present for it.  

If this guy and you are "meant to be" an item, it seems like it will happen.  If he is hoping for an enjoyable FWB situation and you are not, then give him a chance to show his interest by asking you out - and do your "getting to know" each other OUTSIDE of your home.  Regardless of the "customs" where you live.

 

[introverted1]

Do I have this right:  he came to your place Sunday for games and dinner and it's now the following Saturday and he has not reached out to make plans for another date?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

On thursday I texted him again because I could suddenly see northern lights which you dont see here. I wanted him to see it too

And you wanted to soothe your anxiety. 

Please, stop nudging him into communicating with you. Back off a bit. See if he reaches out. You're only feeding into your bad habits by not doing so. 

[Leihla_B]

5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And you wanted to soothe your anxiety. 

Yep, which, as you've noticed, didn't work. You keep getting in your own way.

The guy is capable of reaching out to you if he wants to. You can keep torturing yourself, speculating each moment he doesn't, or you can put him on the back burner and live your life. If he ever contacts you, great. If not, you've already cultivated your focus on the people and interests that matter to you instead of living in your head with catastrophe.

[Runninggirl]

22 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And you wanted to soothe your anxiety. 

Please, stop nudging him into communicating with you. Back off a bit. See if he reaches out. You're only feeding into your bad habits by not doing so. 

I see where you're coming from but honestly I texted him because it was something we had talked about some days prior.

Friday he texted me a lot, and we spoke a little bit yesterday as well but not too much. 

Now that a new week is coming Im thinking I can invite him to something casual, like going for a run after work one day or something. Ive been injured for a while, so Im so out of shape its embarrassing, but at least its something to do that only takes 1 hour, feels great for both and we can just get to know each other without the pressure. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Runninggirl said:

Now that a new week is coming Im thinking I can invite him to something casual,

Girl. Stahp.

Let him take the initiative to ask you out this time. You aren't really hearing whar we're telling you.