What to think, and what to do?

[flitzanu]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

 I only started to feel anxious and get all detective with the signs as soon as we started “dating”.

 

but you're not dating.  you went on a date, that's not a relationship.

[Runninggirl]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Didn't you only meet this guy 2 or 3 weeks ago? 

We only started "talking" about 4 weeks ago when he showed interest. We then met two times after that. We have some mutual friends and he's followed me on instagram for at least a few years. With supportive I meant he would always (and only) text me if there was any big events in my life he heard of to congratulate me, etc. For instance when I got my degree a few years ago. He's always come off as very positive and supportive to me, but I never thought of it, as he was never flirtatious etc. But then four weeks ago he texted me in a bit of a different tone and asked if I wanted to meet sometime. 

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

I thought you said he picked you up for the date.  When did you end up at his apartment and why?  Is that where you expected things to "progress"?

Yes, he picked me up, and we first went to see his apartment which is a construction site because Im into those things (I work in real estate). When I said progress I meant I thought I would feel the date progressing from when he picked me up until he dropped me off again after dinner. 

46 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

 

but you're not dating.  you went on a date, that's not a relationship.

I never said we were in a relationship. We've met up three times, I would consider all three dates. I never said relationship or anything near exclusive.

[Gebidozo]

16 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Although he did things during the date like kiss me and hold my hand it somehow didn’t feel that romantic. It just felt very comfortable. He didn’t seem as invested and almost a bit reserved in some way. 

I still don’t understand. If he kissed you and held your hand, those are, by definition, romantic gestures. If you’re saying that it didn’t feel romantic, it means it didn’t feel romantic to you. Which makes me wonder whether you really like this guy. Did you even kiss him back at all? What exactly did you expect from him on the first date?

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

he’s always come off as very supportive and grounding.

I thought you just started talking to him a few weeks ago. That’s way too early to tell whether he is supportive or has similar values or anything else, really. You don’t know the guy. Yet for some reason you describe him like he’s been your boyfriend of 3 years or so.

I think you’re overthinking way too much. And perhaps that is what’s caused you to have such strange expectations for the first date. It’s like you’ve been already preparing him for the role of a boyfriend and expected him to say some big words or make some grand gestures.

Edited October 22, 2024 by Gebidozo

[Leihla_B]

This is all getting-to-know-you time. If you like him enough to make room for neutrality to warm up into something more organically, then do that. You sound as though you hold expectations of insta-intimacy, and I've already cautioned you about that--it's a mistake. 

Head high, and pull back on expectations so that you can enjoy a process.

[basil67]

5 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

I thought I would feel the date progressing from when he picked me up until he dropped me off again after dinner. 

Given his low effort history with you, why would you think there would be progress?   And what exactly would this progress include?

Edited October 22, 2024 by basil67

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

We only started "talking" about 4 weeks ago when he showed interest. We then met two times after that. We have some mutual friends and he's followed me on instagram for at least a few years. With supportive I meant he would always (and only) text me if there was any big events in my life he heard of to congratulate me, etc.

So he's made a positive impression on you, but please keep in mind that you are still getting to know him. You don't have any real clue about what he's like to date. You have already built him up in your mind as someone who would be good for your insecurity and anxiety when you don't know him on any significant level yet. 

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

 And what exactly would this progress include?

I don't understand this, either. What progress were you hoping for, @Runninggirl?

[NuevoYorko]

You have a pattern of creating a situation in your head and responding as if this is the reality, rather than allowing yourself to learn and respond to what is actually happening with a man.

I would really encourage you to revisit some of your other threads.  They are very similar to this one.  

You are trying to put "relationship" level expectations on a situation that is very much not there. 

[Runninggirl]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

You have a pattern of creating a situation in your head and responding as if this is the reality, rather than allowing yourself to learn and respond to what is actually happening with a man.

I would really encourage you to revisit some of your other threads.  They are very similar to this one.  

You are trying to put "relationship" level expectations on a situation that is very much not there. 

Youre absolutely right! 

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

I still don’t understand. If he kissed you and held your hand, those are, by definition, romantic gestures. If you’re saying that it didn’t feel romantic, it means it didn’t feel romantic to you. Which makes me wonder whether you really like this guy. Did you even kiss him back at all? What exactly did you expect from him on the first date?

It’s by definition romantic gestures but it felt somewhat not genuine, as a habit and not heartfelt. Like something to court me with or just expectations. I can’t really describe it.

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Given his low effort history with you, why would you think there would be progress?   And what exactly would this progress include?

I was hoping meeting for the third time would give me some sign of whether he’s pursuing something serious, if he would like to continue etc. with progress I just mean a feeling of knowing in what direction things are going. I feel like the first time we met left me with a feeling of excitement for what’s to come, or figuring it out. The two other times were nice but contradicting (very nice to me irl, not really much investment after), and I felt like it’s not going anywhere, not even sure if he wants to meet again or not

Maybe I’m used to guys being a little more direct with their intentions (even if it’s lies). 
 

he did come with random comments that suggested we would keep seeing each other, like something about me being in the apartment in the future, that he was open to moving in with someone again, “this is the first time we have dinner together”, and a joke about it being the last (because I was teasing him about something), and he said something about us seeing each other a lot in the near future.

but that doesn’t match his actions, which I think ultimately speaks on interest. If he was really interested he would text me the next day. I don’t expect constant communication and I dislike having a full relationship over social media. I would much rather meet up. But still. All I got was the reply saying it was nice as always etc. 

[NuevoYorko]

It would be a good idea for you to stop obsessing over random comments in your quest to reframe what's going on here as something like the beginning of a solid romantic relationship.

Stop following meaningless rabbit holes, looking for various "interpretations," and trying to twist things into what you'd like them to be.

As it stands, he's fooling around with you.  Nothing necessarily bad about that - people casually date and have non committal sex also, ALL THE TIME.   

As much as you're trying to make this into the beginning of a wonderful love story (in your mind), the guy is probably confusedly trying to navigate whether it's going to be a good or a bad idea to make a definitive move to have sex with you.  

You're clearly in hot pursuit but he's surely getting some red flags from you.   

 

[NuevoYorko]

I just felt it was necessary to add that texting you the next day would not prove he is really interested, and vague comments like "something about seeing each other a lot in the future" certainly do not mean anything.  

People text each other all day long without having any interest in a relationship, and those comments you shared ... well, just to keep it simple, if he were interested in dating you, you would have had your next date planned before that one was over.  

[Runninggirl]

Yeah. I dont think people plan next date right away, but if he was truly interested u would have heard more. The only message I’ve received after was the reply. If he wanted to talk to me he would have. And if he was interested he would have wanted to talk to me.

[NuevoYorko]

9 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Yeah. I dont think people plan next date right away,

Well maybe not, but you are ready to hang "MEANINGS" on something as nebulous as "he said something about us seeing each other a lot in the near future."   If the guy actually MEANT something by that, he would have asked you when he could see you again.   

 

. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree that this guy doesn't seem overly interested.

But OP, you are also very uncomfortable with the natural uncertainty of dating in the early stages. You are always looking for sure signs that the guy is into you (or not) or that it will lead to more (or not) You're trying to ascertain the outcome way too early. It's normal in the beginning that we aren't sure yet what we even want from a particular person. There is grey area as two people figure each other out and assess if it's a match, if it's something they want to explore more. Things aren't always as linear as you're expecting. There isn't always a very clear path or progession. There are ebbs and flows sometimes. 

You don't seem to be able to relax your grip and let things unfold more naturally. Until you learn to manage your uneasiness with this part of dating, you are going to continue to find it very difficult to form healthy relationships. 

 

[Runninggirl]

15 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I agree that this guy doesn't seem overly interested.

But OP, you are also very uncomfortable with the natural uncertainty of dating in the early stages. You are always looking for sure signs that the guy is into you (or not) or that it will lead to more (or not) You're trying to ascertain the outcome way too early. It's normal in the beginning that we aren't sure yet what we even want from a particular person. There is grey area as two people figure each other out and assess if it's a match, if it's something they want to explore more. Things aren't always as linear as you're expecting. There isn't always a very clear path or progession. There are ebbs and flows sometimes. 

You don't seem to be able to relax your grip and let things unfold more naturally. Until you learn to manage your uneasiness with this part of dating, you are going to continue to find it very difficult to form healthy relationships. 

 

Thanks. You are most definitely right. I just wish he would rather tell me if he wasn’t interested, than meeting up and ghosting me in between.

i won’t reach out to him anymore, is that the right move?

[introverted1]

24 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

i won’t reach out to him anymore, is that the right move?

Yes

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, stop reaching out to him. 

[NuevoYorko]

10 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

 I just wish he would rather tell me if he wasn’t interested, than meeting up and ghosting me in between.

Maybe you have it backwards.  This site is full of people who were told some nice words by a person they had dated a couple of times.  They hung all of their hopes on these words and then, the person completely let them down.

It's much more "fair" for you to get a chance to experience the actual behavior of men that you do not know, in the early stages of dating.   This is how you will really get to understand who they are,   how they behave,  whether they are consistent,  and most of all whether or not the two of you are even compatible.

That's why you're always being advised to stand back and allow the guys to do what they do - so you can start understanding where they're coming from.

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Runninggirl said:

Thanks. You are most definitely right. I just wish he would rather tell me if he wasn’t interested, than meeting up and ghosting me in between.

i won’t reach out to him anymore, is that the right move?

People don't generally speak their lack of interest - instead, they show it.   But because you've been doing so much initiating, you haven't given him a chance to show you how interested he really is.  

Given how often you've been reaching out first, the ball is definitely in his court.   Do not make further moves 

[Leihla_B]

1 hour ago, NuevoYorko said:

That's why you're always being advised to stand back and allow the guys to do what they do - so you can start understanding where they're coming from.

Exactly! OP, your impatience keeps depriving you of valuable information, then you spin yourself in circles trying to read between the lines of what you've circumvented.

Just pull back and allow him to show you where he stands.

[Runninggirl]

Thanks! Definitively not reaching out to him anymore. I honestly think his “sudden” disappearance (from texting me every now and then last week to basically nothing this week) means he is entertaining someone else. In my experience it’s usually because they weren’t that interested yet, and someone else was more interesting. 
 

I definitely have things to work on, but I’m also not very cut out for modern dating it feels like. I can’t get myself to really do dating apps, I don’t like seeing more than one person at the time, and I don’t handle that people have “rosters”. Makes me give up a little on love, and I love love, so that makes me sad.

[basil67]

Sorry it didn't work out.  But it doesn't necessarily mean he is entertaining someone else....it just means that he didn't feel the right connection.

I feel like when you've done the work around your anxiety around dating, then you won't feel so bad if something doesn't work out

[Runninggirl]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Sorry it didn't work out.  But it doesn't necessarily mean he is entertaining someone else....it just means that he didn't feel the right connection.

I feel like when you've done the work around your anxiety around dating, then you won't feel so bad if something doesn't work out

Maybe. But I don't think you can work your way out of feeling bad at all if someone doesn't reciprocate or "ghost" you after a date. 

[basil67]

16 minutes ago, Runninggirl said:

Maybe. But I don't think you can work your way out of feeling bad at all if someone doesn't reciprocate or "ghost" you after a date. 

Thing is, he didn't ghost you...he just kept up the same low interest contact which he's always had.  The only reason you were in contact was because you kept chasing him.   

Regarding feeling bad, for the average person who's out there dating....If they really like someone, a degree of disappointment is normal if it doesn't work out after a handful of dates.   Feeling bad is more appropriate when you've been dating someone for a while and you really like them and they have been really keen to see you too and then they decide they don't wish to continue

When dating, it's so important to manage your expectations.  This is why we've spent the whole thread telling you to stop analysing, stop reaching out, stop getting over invested and just let him show you IF he's interested.   This is something you also need to work on in therapy

Edited October 24, 2024 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

Do you have close, longstanding friendships in the area where you live?   I think it would really help you if you would task yourself with leaving guys alone after one / two dates, and not getting wrapped up in texting or impromptu get togethers during those times.   

If you like the guy and had a good time, let them know that, and feel free to say something encouraging like "I hope we can do this again sometime soon," but after that - leave it up to the guy.  

Instead, get busy with a close and trusted friend.  You might even share with them that you're practicing NOT reacting to your own anxiety by trying hard with guys you don't really know, and looking for smoke signals from them that will let you know that they want you to be their girlfriend.

Just step back.  Early on.  BEFORE you have sex.   See what happens. Give the guys a chance to demonstrate to you through their actions that they are interested in dating you.

In addition, and THIS IS IMPORTANT:  Even a guy who is sincerely interested in dating you will NOT be buttoning down a relationship in early days, at least not if he's a healthy individual.  

This is the point of the dating:  To LEARN about each other.  

So far, since your very first post on this site, you have never let this happen.  You're always in desperation / chase mode.  Every situation is almost identical.  You let the guys know that you're fully available to them no matter what they have to offer you, or what they don't have (or intend) to offer.

See how things go if you change that dynamic.