NuevoYorko Posted October 13 Share Posted October 13 You are setting yourself up badly here by trying desperately to wrangle this situation into what you would like it to be. You've done this before. I recall your prior threads. Are you aware of this? You've made it abundantly clear to this guy that you're interested. That's fine. If you're not willing to step back and allow him to demonstrate to you his level of interest, you are setting yourself up for a repeat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted October 13 Author Share Posted October 13 On 10/12/2024 at 12:22 PM, NuevoYorko said: You are doing exactly what you said in your first post in this topic that you DO NOT want to do - over analyzing. Also in your efforts of "being ahead of time," you are standing in your own way of letting this unfold, getting to know what this guy is about, and letting him get to know you. As another poster has mentioned, you don't seem to be getting to know HIM at all. Your only focus seems to be on how "into" you he is or is not. You want a lot of texting like some people do in a relationship, you want to feel "safe" with him, but ... you still don't know him. You don't know him. This is the time to get to know him. I do think he might be interested in having a fun FWB situation. He doesn't seem to be pushing for sex but he's coming on strong with the making out and stuff, and not so much with the eagerness to go out with you. Why don't you step back from your spinning about him and see what he does on his own. Most importantly, demote this virtual stranger from such a primary spot in your life. Do what you enjoy with friends and your hobbies, work or whatever. and try to be fully present for it. If this guy and you are "meant to be" an item, it seems like it will happen. If he is hoping for an enjoyable FWB situation and you are not, then give him a chance to show his interest by asking you out - and do your "getting to know" each other OUTSIDE of your home. Regardless of the "customs" where you live. Lots of good points here, I definitely don’t want to be “ahead of time” which is why I’m trying to analyze it here rather than being crazy towards him if that makes sense haha. time will tell, it’s just hard to be patient Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 13 Share Posted October 13 4 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Lots of good points here, I definitely don’t want to be “ahead of time” which is why I’m trying to analyze it here rather than being crazy towards him if that makes sense haha. time will tell, it’s just hard to be patient Are you willing to take any of the advice you've received? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 13 Share Posted October 13 (edited) 4 hours ago, Runninggirl said: time will tell, it’s just hard to be patient Being patient is what we do when we're excited about something which WILL happen. Rather than patience, I suggest you work on accepting that it may or may not happen and adjust your expectations accordingly. Be chill Edited October 13 by basil67 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted October 16 Author Share Posted October 16 On 10/14/2024 at 12:00 AM, NuevoYorko said: Are you willing to take any of the advice you've received? Of course I keep The advice i receive in the back of my head as things happen. I let it be for a few days, he reached out on both Monday and Tuesday, we had two short conversations about how the day was etc. on tuesday I then changed the conversation and said “If you have time I’d love to see you this week”. He replied with “Of course 😍”, I said “Looking forward to it ☺️”, he said “Are you sure?☺️”, and I said “very sure ☺️”. Then he said “okay I believe you 😚”. I said “I think you know but I’ll tell you as many times as you need😚” he then said he was joking. The conversation ended there. I had hoped he would have followed up his of course with suggestion of time or when he was available. Of course I could have done that as well. I should have made concrete plans, but was in the moment a bit annoyed by the lack of initiative in his responses. I guess we’ll see. Do I really have to bring this up again now? Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 16 Share Posted October 16 15 minutes ago, Runninggirl said: The conversation ended there. I had hoped he would have followed up his of course with suggestion of time or when he was available. Of course I could have done that as well. If you could have done that as well, why didn’t you? I don’t think he is interested. I mean, if I spoke that way to a woman that would be a sure sign that I don’t want anything to advance beyond mild flirting. But if you’re so anxious about the whole thing, why don’t you initiate a date yourself? Just take him out to a dinner or a bar or something. See how it goes, probe the ground. What do you have to lose? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 16 Share Posted October 16 (edited) On 10/13/2024 at 6:08 AM, Runninggirl said: Friday he texted me a lot, and we spoke a little bit yesterday as well but not too much Were you to one who contacted him again? Edited October 16 by stillafool Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 16 Share Posted October 16 On 10/13/2024 at 6:08 AM, Runninggirl said: Friday he texted me a lot, and we spoke a little bit yesterday as well but not too much Were you to one who contacted him again? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 16 Share Posted October 16 I'm sorry RG but this guy doesn't seem very interested at all. You practically begged for him to set up a date with you and he didn't budge. Do not contact him again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 16 Share Posted October 16 7 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Do I really have to bring this up again now? No. He knows you want to see him. You have made that crystal-clear. If he is interested, he will set something up. If he doesn't do so within a few days, you need to drop the whole idea (and him) altogether. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted October 16 Share Posted October 16 Agree with others. If he was interested in seeing you, he could have suggested a day/time. Not your job to keep pursuing and pushing for get together especially since you asked and he still didn't make a plan. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 17 Share Posted October 17 You've already set up a scenario where you are working away at getting what you want out of him. How would you ever be sure he was truly interested, if you never will just step back out of it and leave the ball 100% in his court? If you do that, there will be zero room for questioning whether he does or does not have any significant interest in pursuing something with you. Don't do all the work. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 17 Share Posted October 17 15 hours ago, Runninggirl said: I should have made concrete plans, but was in the moment a bit annoyed by the lack of initiative in his responses. I guess we’ll see. Do I really have to bring this up again now? His lack of initiative reflects his lack of interest. Kindly, if you keep chasing after he's shown such lack of interest you're only going to end up feeling embarrassed 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted October 17 Author Share Posted October 17 17 hours ago, stillafool said: Were you to one who contacted him again? No, it was him on Friday and Saturday. Sunday we didn’t speak at all, and then Monday, Tuesday this week he also initiated/contacted me. On Tuesday is when I asked to meet up again, and then he texted me again last night just making small talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted October 17 Author Share Posted October 17 I haven’t initiated any contacted since last week. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 17 Share Posted October 17 Ok, you're getting on the right track. Let him now make the move to actually see you. If he doesn't, I would let it fizzle since you don't want to be some guy's text-buddy either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted October 17 Share Posted October 17 (edited) Babe, he’s not ignoring you because he’s “scared to love” or “so overwhelmed” with love that his fingers forgot how to type. I know it’s crazy. This is not a movie where he reallyy wants be with you… but just… can’t. He doesn’t want to. The reasons don’t matter. Let go of him. men will make the first move every time their genuinely interested. Trust me on that one. Edited October 17 by Georgia46 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted October 18 Author Share Posted October 18 On 10/17/2024 at 2:14 PM, ExpatInItaly said: Ok, you're getting on the right track. Let him now make the move to actually see you. If he doesn't, I would let it fizzle since you don't want to be some guy's text-buddy either. He did, he suggested meeting this weekend, he was busy saturday night baby sitting for a friend. I suggested sunday instead of friday, because friday is today and I think its healthy that he doesn't get his way too quickly. Have two days to look forward to it. We are going to go see his new apartment (its a construction place, so nowhere to stay, just to see it, I thought it would be cool, as I love prosjects like that, and Ive renovated two myself in the past.), and then go and get some dinner at a sushi place. I dont love sushi, but he does, so its good. He seemed a bit bummed and hinted about meeting earlier, he said it was a long time to wait. But I insisted on waiting, I think he felt a bit rejected but whatever. Im SO excited to see him, but also just to get some piece of mind. Is it stupid if I on the date casually bring up that I dont mind if he takes more initiative to meet? Although he did initiate this one? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 18 Share Posted October 18 (edited) 1 hour ago, Runninggirl said: he suggested meeting this weekend, he was busy saturday night baby sitting for a friend. I suggested sunday instead of friday, because friday is today and I think its healthy that he doesn't get his way too quickly. [ ] He seemed a bit bummed and hinted about meeting earlier, he said it was a long time to wait. But I insisted on waiting, I think he felt a bit rejected but whatever. You've been wanting him to ask you out and when he does you start playing games so that he 'doesn't get his way too quickly' And you don't care that he's disappointed. Careful that this doesn't backfire on you. Remember the adage "strike while the iron is hot" 1 hour ago, Runninggirl said: Is it stupid if I on the date casually bring up that I dont mind if he takes more initiative to meet? Incredibly stupid. You're not even in a relationship and you're trying to fix him! Dating is about finding out if he meets your needs naturally. Not only that, but he may listen and do it for a bit, but if this isn't his instinct, he'll then go back to how he was. And you'll have the conversation again and he'll organise the next few dates and go back to how he was. Rinse and repeat. Let him be who he is and see if that works for you I think @NuevoYorko's post a couple of days ago sums up exactly what you're doing right now >>You are setting yourself up badly here by trying desperately to wrangle this situation into what you would like it to be. You've done this before. I recall your prior threads. Are you aware of this? You've made it abundantly clear to this guy that you're interested. That's fine. If you're not willing to step back and allow him to demonstrate to you his level of interest, you are setting yourself up for a repeat<< Edited October 18 by basil67 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 19 Share Posted October 19 (edited) 6 hours ago, Runninggirl said: I suggested sunday instead of friday, because friday is today and I think its healthy that he doesn't get his way too quickly. I’m sorry, but this makes no sense at all. Why do you suddenly want to conduct such silly tests on him? Manipulation never leads to anything good. OP, if I were that guy, this kind of behavior on your part would be a big turn off. Life is too short for these games. 6 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Is it stupid if I on the date casually bring up that I dont mind if he takes more initiative to meet? Yes, of course it’s stupid. This is just the first date, and instead of figuring out whether he suits you at all, you’ll be trying to do some sort of a “boyfriend training” to him? Again, if I were him, this kind of thing would make me feel stressed and uncomfortable, even if I were genuinely interested. OP, I feel that you’re having some insecurities and aren’t quite ready to be sincere and vulnerable with that guy. Any relationship requires those cornerstones, you have to be completely honest and transparent and have no fear. I don’t think you’re quite there now, and you’re thinking too much ahead. Please try to relax, don’t be afraid of anything, and just be natural during the date. Be yourself, or it will never work. Few things turn off people more than such heavy overthinking and artificial behavior. Edited October 19 by Gebidozo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 19 Share Posted October 19 7 hours ago, Runninggirl said: Is it stupid if I on the date casually bring up that I dont mind if he takes more initiative to meet? Although he did initiate this one? What would be the upside of you doing this? You're still busily trying to round him up and lock him down without even 1) finding out whether he's a good fit for you and 2) finding out whether he has those intentions towards you ON HIS OWN, without your machinations. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 19 Share Posted October 19 10 hours ago, Runninggirl said: I suggested sunday instead of friday, because friday is today and I think its healthy that he doesn't get his way too quickly. You are playing games, and you are doing it badly. Tihs is not healthy - it's silly. This is not how to approach dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted October 19 Author Share Posted October 19 I didn’t do it to play games, I just felt like it was cheap to say we could meet right away. If he wanted to see me on Friday he could have asked in advance. I felt like it would be bending over backwards. Not saying I can’t meet him spontaneously, but I wanted a proper date, not a “meet in an hour no plans”, felt like a bit of a bootycall to me. Now I regret it reading your comments, maybe I should have agreeed to Friday instead. Anyways it’s too late now. I haven’t heard anything since. I’m looking forward to Sunday though, and if anyone has any tips on how to make the date special I’m open to suggestions! our plans for now is that he picks me up, drives to his new construction place, we’ll probably see it for maybe 15 minutes and then walk to the sushi place close by and have dinner there. how can I deepen the connection on this date/see if we have one, so it’s not just superficial chit chat and flirting? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 19 Share Posted October 19 The first date will be special or it won't be. You will either have a connection or you won't. There is no manipulation which can be done to increase his enthusiasm...he is either keen, or he's not 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Runninggirl Posted October 19 Author Share Posted October 19 42 minutes ago, basil67 said: The first date will be special or it won't be. You will either have a connection or you won't. There is no manipulation which can be done to increase his enthusiasm...he is either keen, or he's not Not looking for manipulation tactics, just want to impress him or make an effort, I think I’ll be very nervous so it’s good to have something to go to I though Link to post Share on other sites
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