Never dated

[Eitri]

Hello. I've never been in a serious relationship before. I've hardly even been on dates as I'm an introvert and comfortable where I live. I don't socialize a lot due to my job so naturally it's hard to meet anyone. But recently my younger brother just announced their second kid on the way and life hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm now 38 and just broke down over the fact that I don't have anyone. I certainly don't want to act and rush into a relationship but I feel like I totally screwed myself. For me it's just not about companionship it the fact that I want kids too. I had always envisioned dating young getting married in my mid 20s and having kids shorty after. The last 10 years just seemed to vanish for me. It's really got me worried for the future. I'm not ugly but I'd say honestly average looking. I'm moving to another state at the end of this year.  Does anyone else have the same problem and if so did they pull through. 

[Foxhall]

I imagine there are lots of people with a similar mindset,

 

it is harder to meet ones kindred spirit when a person is introverted as it follows they are not socialising or not putting themselves out there to give themselves a chance,

In terms of your question- I probably got over the shyness and things just by pushing out of the comfort zone and eventually getting over the fear of interacting,

if you go on a date once you will be nervous,  if you go on 100 dates you will no longer care ,

the problem I havent managed to overcome is getting over an old flame-  

at least your situation- the only way is forward or up- you dont have any baggage- you have a free shot.

 

[lemonicetea]

Honestly I’m a similar boat. I’ll be 35 later this year and I’ve only really had one boyfriend and due to how unhealthy and unnatural that relationship was, I’m starting to wonder if I shouldn’t even count it at all. I’m an introvert too, and for me personally I only find socializing at work feasible. I’ve tried dating apps with little success.
 

I wish I could give you advice, but I can’t. All I can say is you aren’t the only one. 

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, Eitri said:

I had always envisioned dating young getting married in my mid 20s and having kids shorty after. The last 10 years just seemed to vanish for me.

Life rarely goes as we have envisioned it. And sometimes, when it does, it still doesn’t. I also wanted to marry as soon as possible and have kids. I got married at 23. Now I’m 48, and it’s been three marriages and a kid who grew up without knowing me at all.

Is it better or worse than your situation? Neither. You are on your life path, I’m on mine. You’ll get somewhere eventually, and so will I. You have your kind of difficulties, I have mine. And so does everyone else.

Very few people get married at 18, stay with one partner for life, and are happy. We all need to go through struggles and loneliness and despair at some point.

You can still have kids. You’re only 38. Even 10 years later, you can still find a woman in her 30’s who would want to have kids with you. Try to start dating, put yourself out there, get to know people, but don’t rush into anything and don’t panic, anything is possible.

[Justagirl999]

Just know that you're not the only one. Start with that mindset so you don't feel bad about yourself. Marrying young doesn't guarantee a happy life. And happy life is the goal. You'll find your person. 

[despairingbuttrying]

Certainly not the only one. Sorry to hear about your struggles. 

I'm 4, male, and haven't had anything serious for a very long time and even those relationships were just under a year with one being quite abusive. And in between that, just go on countless of dates with many women. 

Every time I finally think I've met the right girl, something gets in the way and derails my hopes. So close yet so far every time now. Perhaps marriage, sex etc will never be a reality for me. I know I shouldn't think like this but can't help but feel like I fall short every time. So I can totally relate to those feelings of disappointment and despair 

 

[Georgia46]

Would you consider any dating sites? That seems to be the way people meet people these days 

[Eitri]

 

6 hours ago, Georgia46 said:

Would you consider any dating sites? That seems to be the way people meet people these days 

I've tried many dating sites in the past and using one now. I get a few nibbles but no real bites. I sign up for membership but rarely if ever get a reply. I'm beginning to think they are bots

 

[FredEire]

There's an epidemic of loneliness of people in their 20s and 30s. Even lifes supposed winners according to modern Hollywood and the music industry, the guys who hook up with a millions chicks, once they get a bit older will tell you in private how lonely they are and how they feel its fried their ability to form a real connection.

The worst thing is, social media works as almost a kind of blackmail device. You can't admit you're lonely and it's really hard to connect because look at everyone else! They're all doing fantastic and they've got everything figured out! You don't want people to think you're a weirdo if you talk about it, do you?

The irony is that many of them are thinking exactly the same thing! But they're desperately trying to curate their Instagram so it looks like they're faring better than they are. So you're certainly not alone.

Edited October 10 by FredEire

[Els]

On 10/9/2024 at 7:11 AM, Eitri said:

I don't socialize a lot due to my job so naturally it's hard to meet anyone.

Could you elaborate on this? How does your job prevent you from socializing?

On 10/9/2024 at 7:11 AM, Eitri said:

I'm now 38 and just broke down over the fact that I don't have anyone. I certainly don't want to act and rush into a relationship but I feel like I totally screwed myself. For me it's just not about companionship it the fact that I want kids too. I had always envisioned dating young getting married in my mid 20s and having kids shorty after.

Are you a man or a woman? If you're a woman, the timing is certainly tight, but there's always the option of having kids by yourself if you're sure that that's what you want to do - sperm donation is extremely cheap and easy. Of course, you'd have to decide whether single parenting is something that you're up for, and it would decrease your pool of potential partners as well... but it's an option.

If you're a man, yes, you probably won't be able to have biological kids without a partner (surrogacy is an option, but commercial surrogacy is illegal in most countries and in the only country where it is legal - the US - it costs as much as a cheap house). The good news, however, is that the timing isn't as big of an issue - plenty of men become fathers in their 40s and beyond. Being an older parent does come with some disadvantages, but up until your late 40s or so I don't think they are insurmountable.

Basically, my point is that this is far from "over" for you, regardless of your gender. The vast majority of people in developed countries aren't getting married and having kids in their mid 20s, yet many of them still achieve those goals (if that's what they want).

[Georgia46]

Good luck I hope you meet someone lovely 😎