Broken heart leaving a woman

[thr1986]

Through the end of 2020/2021 I met and fell in love with someone who I believed was giving me a very special kind of love, different than the lustful and typical kind of love I’d previously found and parted with in past partners. She was there for me in a hard time about 6 months into our relationship and I truly felt that it was the love that I hadn’t ever known, one that would last  and one that would survive any amount of challenge. It felt like the love I had been looking for that in a way, at the time, and even now, it felt and feels like the love I wanted and never got from my parents - not that they didn’t love me, but this love from her (M, I’ll call her) was special and I have at times related to in in that way. 
 

I opened myself, shared everything and anything I have ever felt or known with her. She has known and had all of me, physically and emotionally. She’s seen me at my worst and at my best and she’s given me meaning in myself that I have at times felt so happy with. 
 

ive always known and felt that she wasn’t opening up with me though. She comes from a broken home, life threatening addiction problems in her parents And she’s been alone all of her adult life without any contact with her biological parents and little contact with her two sisters. No family really, alone and she’s done the best with what little her parents equipped her with. 
 

over a very long period of time, I have grown so lonely in the relationship. Wishing to know her, wishing to solve life’s problems with her, but she never shared her life with me. It was something I noticed way back when we first met - because anytime we discussed our day with one another I always got the same reply “it was great” and no further info. It was subtle, but noticeable. Now, three years later, I feel like I’ve been living in total love and transparency with her but still have no way of knowing what’s happening in her life. I proposed to her, we are engaged and I haven’t been able to feel comfortable getting married because she will have financial problems, she’s been served a lawsuit by two of her clients now, once 2 years ago and again now recently with the exact same claimes both times - that she has made fraudulent financial changes to their business dealings with implication of the dishonest and self interested taking of money in the business relationship. The first time I believed her that they were false, that they were unwarranted and that she was a victim. This time, identical claims, and again she’s a victim as she puts it. 
 

i found a condom wrapper in her bedside trash can 2 years ago before we moved in together and she told me it was “old” and had been there for a long time but quickly realized that didn’t add up and moments later told me that she had “used it on herself”. I challenged this of course, but she’s never budged. And this along with another situation where she was taking my prescription medication (adderall) and lied to me about it is evidence that she’s been dishonest with me too. But I don’t really have proof and I think she plays on my hearts default instinct to believe what I hope is true and accept her responses when I know deep down it’s not true. And I don’t even care really about the happenings as much as I care that she just won’t tell me the truth and share her vulnerability and honesty with me in the ways I have with her.

anyways, I can’t ask her about these things with her clients because  she she lashes out on me for asking or tells me the time is inconvenient to talk about it and we never have discussed it. She has recently asked me to borrow money which I know she would pay me back but I declined anyways, and what bothers me most about that is not that she needed money or that I would have financially supported her of course - but that I had no idea that she had money issues and we are supposed to be getting married. 

for these reasons, I can’t imagine a life and the complications it brings that I want someone to be with and take on together with her when I know from experience that she will keep me in the dark about everything that happens in her life.

ive finally talked about it to just a couple of people who are superiors at my firm of employment and I got very empathetic and unbiased support and I have decided that I just will need to move on. I can’t see how she will ever be able to do what will be required in a marriage and a long term commitment to handle life and its course. I worry I’ll always feel alone as I do now and feel frustrated that I’m dealing with everything “blind” while I’m sharing my entirety with her.

its so hard to leave her because I wanted it to be what it felt like it could have been and it was so special in so many ways - but I couldn’t imagine the stress and anxiety that the relationship has been in practice and will be in future practice as my lifestyle. 
 

still I blame myself and worry and wonder if I am to blame or if I am being too picky and throwing something away I shouldn’t. 
 

I guess I’m hoping for support and to hear something that validates my actions that I am taking in leaving and starting over again at 38 years old. It’s sad and god it’s so disappointing. It seems so easy to do what she could do to make it feel so much better but I’ve banged my head against that wall for so long now and it’s one where I’m afraid I’ll lose myself if I continue 

with love and appreciation to all who comment, thank you. 

[thr1986]

Things like:

1. am I a failure, romantically speaking?

2. do I have no ability to make rational decisions in the department of romance in my life?

3. Am I making a huge mistake?

4. is it me that is wrong and am I to blame for having unrealistic expectations?

those all come to mind are are the things that I am mentally looking for help dealing with as they weigh my mind during this time while I do what seems rational and clear to the outsiders who have offered good advice which I trust - but for me I can’t see this as such a easy thing to decide and I worry and blame myself for maybe making wrongful judgement - I just wish I could feel certain about the decision to leave being right and it would make it easier.

i have such a certainty in decision making and swiftness with zero rumination when it comes to making decisions in business. I am certain every time, immediately with no need to make lengthy considerations and with zero ambivalence - it makes me a leader in my business and I’m proud in that department of my life.

it just always perplexes me, beyond description, how clueless I am in making decisions when it relates to love and romance and how uneducated the decisions often do make end up being after tons of uncertain consideration and indecisiveness. It’s like I’m a romantic idiot somehow and it’s really hard and now at 38 it’s becoming depressing worrying if I will ever be able to figure this department of my life out 

[Gebidozo]

For what it’s worth, I think you’ve made the right decision.

It’s one thing to be unwilling to share some personal information or details of the past. It’s a totally different thing that a person lies, keeps a whole aspect of her life in darkness, and lashes out at you while refusing to discuss very important issues.

I don’t think you’re being too picky. A lying partner is a dealbreaker to many people.

38 is nothing, you’re still very young. I was 46 when I got into the best relationship of my life.

 

 

Edited October 9 by Gebidozo

[thr1986]

2 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

For what it’s worth, I think you’ve made the right decision.

It’s one thing to be unwilling to share some personal information or details of the past. It’s a totally different thing that a person lies, keeps a whole aspect of her life in darkness, and lashes out at you while refusing to discuss very important issues.

I don’t think you’re being too picky. A lying partner is a dealbreaker to many people.

38 is nothing, you’re still very young. I was 46 when I got into the best relationship of my life.

 

 

Correct, there are current events and as I’d expect future events that will be of her choosing to be transparent or not be transparent depending on if it is convenient or not for her to be open about them. and I’m constantly frustrated because I feel she doesn’t understand or maybe doesn’t care that the events I’m evening are categorically basic and required to be dealt with together in any relationship where the two people give a damn about each other, and definitely in a marriage. I’m sick of talking about how I always bring topics up at an inconvenient time or how I’m always asking and not believing what she says about something so normal and routine that anyone else would just talk about and not feel that I would be not believing them or out of reasonable and customary expectations to ask about - such as what’s the latest or what is concerning or not concerning about a lawsuit she’s facing that I’m totally backing her up on in conversations about it - and this would impact both of us if we were married thank god we’re not and this is evident of how that would work if we were - I can’t imagine 

also, I spoke to her about how I am feeling and how I don’t think I can make this work given these things and she literally just started making my life hell and refused to move out of my condo she lives in that I own and I can’t make her leave…. It’s just insane that she would even want to stay in someone’s home that they can leave obviously because they own it when they’ve asked her to leave idk why she’d even want to be there.

so idk how I’m going to get her out I will have to probably serve her with an eviction and then move out until she leaves. It’s hell. Somehow I’m still questioning this it’s clearer as I see myself type this out but these people get in your head and it’s disorienting