Is it over - or not?

[confused_]

38 yo male. Wife is 39. Together for 10 years. Married for 7 years. Two kids - 8 & 6 years old.
I have a decent 9-5 job - not making millions but enough to live a decent life. Wife was SAHM for 5 years. She is a medical student for the past 3 years.

5 SAHM years destroyed my wife on the inside. There was no help from our parents, these years also include the quarantines. She thought she could silently take all the pressure, and she took way more responsibilites (housekeeping, kids, bills, finances) than she could take and than she deserved. While I was always present, physically and emotionally, 4 of her 5 years I was giving the minimum, as she was already taking care of staff -  I was more like her assistant than her partner in responsibilities, decision making etc. I also gained considerable weight during this time.

For the past three years, two things have happened. (1) We openly discussed, around 2,5 years ago, that we have not been trying enough for our relationship and we must take care of ourselves and our relationship/intimacy/couple time more. (2) I made some significant changes in my lifestyle, lost the extra weight, working out, began therapy, taking responsibilities, decision making and errands off of her (practically I ran about everything in our household).

She is in therapy for 1,5 year now. She is sad, she has been sad all this time. She cannot find happiness in our marriage, her career choices and her relationship with the kids. She has made progress with the last two, but not our marriage. While she communicated to me, 2,5 years ago, that we must make changes, that everything is alright and we love eachother just need to try more, I did and still do my part, but she never followed.

We have been intimate twice in January 2024. After that, nothing. Before that, we had sex once in 2023. We mostly sleep in different beds. She never initiates a touch - a hug, holding a hand etc.

She has been open that she understands that I am some sort of an ideal man (caring, good father, good looking, funny/smart, good work ethic, taking care of stuff - at least for the past few years) checking all the boxes etc, that she loves me as a person and as a father, that she is aware that she will never probably find all these together if we split, but she cannot get intimate with me or try to find it again with me. She always says that she needs more time, and that she doesnt know even if taking more time will get her to a point to love me as a man again.

A few weeks ago she told me she is feeling sad and unhappy and she wants to begin feeling better at some point. We discussed divorce. We decided to keep living together and taking care of ourselves, alert our parents about the situation to get more help and gain more time off the kids (I also feel kinda burnt out by raising kids, not just her, I could use a weekend or two without the kids). And gain some more personal time, keep looking at our mental health and maybe something will change.

I do my part but I have been devastated for the past 2 years. My self esteem is destroyed and this has been affecting me to everything. I love her so much and I am feeling hurt by this situation. During these years I was communicating my part in an unproductive way (confronted her emotional absense as cheating, initiated fights under the "I dont understand why you dont want us to try" dead-end message, etc).

I understand that we are at the point where couples break up. But I also understand that this is a moment where couples that stayed together also endured, and managed to overcome.
I am thinking that if I just keep doing my part, being a better and present man, take care of myself, maybe she will see at some point or feel again, or at least feel that she needs to try. I don't want to give up yet but I am feeling hurt, not just by the rejection, but I feel that it is unfair - when she was SAHM I suggested her to study and not worry about income or parenting needs, I would keep providing so she can study for years and become a doctor. I made terrible mistakes, didnt understand the signs, but I am here 100% present with all my being, and it has not worked. In therapy, among other stuff, I am trying to validate her emotions/rejection, to accept it, and stop having subconscious hate and characterise her as ungrateful.

I love her. I believe she is the one, I chose her to become my partner and the mother of my children. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I am thinking that I will keep doing my part and leave her space and be patient. Is it worth it?

PS: This is a post I did 2 years ago when her rejection kicked in - I was suspecting cheating back then (maybe she did, never really found out, idk if it even matters)

 

 

[tzorno]

Are you happy?  I'm not talking about the relationship.  I'm talking about everything you are doing trying to make it work.  I'm asking because I went into slave/simp mode too for a long time trying to fix a marriage and relationship that couldn't be fixed.  After awhile, I caught myself and said 'What are you doing?'.  If she isn't trying or pulling her weight, it's over.  Sorry to say that.

Also, the lack of intimacy is alarming.  I automatically think cheating, but that's what happened to me and it's an automatic response.  

I'm sorry your going through this and I know how hard it is.  Best of luck to you.

[confused_]

27 minutes ago, tzorno said:

I'm asking because I went into slave/simp mode too for a long time trying to fix a marriage and relationship that couldn't be fixed.  After awhile, I caught myself and said 'What are you doing?'. 

Thanks for your reply. I feel with the amount of stuff I do - helps me be organised and gives me the satisfaction that I accomplish stuff that need to be done. I also feel good that she no longer has to worry about s***. But truth is that we have kind of lost the balance again - this time I am the one overassigned with errands - not her as she used to years ago.
I dont know about slave/simp mode but sometimes I feel this way, that by taking over everything, she will feel better. I guess it is not healthy, beyond a point.
All I know is that I love her, and that I want to make one last effort - I dont care that much about my dignity, if I did I would have left already but I feel that if you wanna try for a marriage then you gotta do what you gotta do. I cant even bother thinking that I need to act like a 20 year old, like becoming mysterious or secretive or whatever it is that women dig when they first come in touch with a man. I just dont know if I can make it or if is it worth it after reaching this point. Sorry about your marriage.

[Gebidozo]

3 hours ago, confused_ said:

I understand that we are at the point where couples break up. But I also understand that this is a moment where couples that stayed together also endured, and managed to overcome.

I’m sorry, but I think only the first part of this is true.

I know this is not what you want to hear, but I believe that enduring and continuing to stay in this marriage will hurt and destroy you much worse than if you get out now. Sure, you’ll be in pain, and it will be a sharp pain, but it won’t last as long as the dull, gnawing, chronic pain of an unhappy marriage.

I know it stings, it hurts, but sooner or later you’ll have to accept that your wife doesn’t love you anymore. Relationships are like people: when they are sick you might eventually cure them, but when they are dead they are dead. Unfortunately, your marriage has been dead for a long while.

You’re suffering, and she’s suffering. You are both unhappy. Why not set each other free, release each other from a loveless bond, so that each one of you will have a chance to find happiness with someone else?

Edited October 9 by Gebidozo

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, confused_ said:

But truth is that we have kind of lost the balance again - this time I am the one overassigned with errands - not her as she used to years ago.
I dont know about slave/simp mode but sometimes I feel this way, that by taking over everything, she will feel better. I guess it is not healthy, beyond a point.
All I know is that I love her, and that I want to make one last effort - I dont care that much about my dignity, if I did I would have left already but I feel that if you wanna try for a marriage then you gotta do what you gotta do. 

If you care about her dignity, @confused_, you should care about your dignity too. It's important to treat yourself as a human being who is worthy of being shown affection and respect. Otherwise, you risk doing some serious long-term harm to your mental health and ultimately not being as emotionally present for your kids as you need to be. You can't idolize your wife and act as if she is all that matters in your family. You all matter. And you shouldn't be tiptoeing through life and your marriage apologetically.

Look, she has every right to want out if that's her preference. But, in that case, you guys should actually end the marriage. It's not ideal to stay in limbo indefinitely, waiting to see if her feelings for you ever return. So I'm glad to see that you're talking about a last effort. You definitely need to set a reasonable deadline for how long you're wiling to wait.

I want to suggest that you get individual counselling if possible. You've been through a rough time and you need to show yourself more love. 

Edited October 9 by Acacia98

[tzorno]

22 hours ago, confused_ said:

I dont know about slave/simp mode but sometimes I feel this way, that by taking over everything, she will feel better. I guess it is not healthy, beyond a point.
All I know is that I love her, and that I want to make one last effort - I dont care that much about my dignity, if I did I would have left already but I feel that if you wanna try for a marriage then you gotta do what you gotta do. I cant even bother thinking that I need to act like a 20 year old, like becoming mysterious or secretive or whatever it is that women dig when they first come in touch with a man. I just dont know if I can make it or if is it worth it after reaching this point. Sorry about your marriage.

Bless you for taking over the workload and putting in the effort.  I just want you to be able to monitor yourself.  Just make sure the effort your giving isn't in vain.  It's a partnership.  You both should be sharing the load.  It took me awhile to realize that my ex had given up because I was blind with love and determined to try and save the marriage.  Just make sure yours hasen't given up.  You should be able to tell.