Wife doesn't respect me - I feel used

[HusbandFather77]

Our relationship has been contentious throughout.  We have been together for almost exactly 24 years.  Married 19 of those.

About five years ago we went through an 8 month separation, went through counseling, and I felt our relationship was better than ever when we reconciled.  We still had arguments here and there but we always were able to get past them.

 

Lately it seems like the same things are happening again which I will go into in a bit.  My wife just generally seems like a very very unhappy person, and contrary to what she says, I don't feel I am 100% to blame for her unhappiness.

My wife is a complainer, and I feel like she never appreciates or recognizes the things I do for the relationship or our family.  She will constantly nit pick though over the things that don't get done.  The complaining and negativity is exhausting for me and its clear its impossible to make her happy or resolve any of the things she is complaining about.  Example, she was complaining for years how much she hated her government job and that she wanted to work for a government contractor instead.  So about 10 months ago she changed jobs, the medical insurance is much worse (she complains), and now she isn't happy with the new job either and the complaints have started again.

Any time I spend doing things I enjoy I feel I am made to feel guilty or bad about.  Mostly via passive-aggressive statements like "If I was so and so maybe you would do something different".  My wife will come to the area that I am in and start talking to herself making passive-aggressive digs at me.  For a while I responded defensively but now I just get up and go to a different area of the home.

My wife is obsessed with having another child.  She is 42 and I am 48.  My wife has a health condition that affects her metabolism.  So her weight is a major issue.  I have real concerns about her ability to have a child without major health implications.  Especially since she had major vomiting and blood pressure issues with our daughter (she was 24 at the time).  She also treats me bad which doesn't make me feel good or want to be close to her.  She takes these urine tests everyday and when she wants to be intimate (to conceive a child) she is extremely nice to me and is the person I fell in love with and wish she was today.  When she does or more recently doesn't get her way she returns to treating me badly.

My wife is the primary bread winner and she like to constantly remind me that I don't earn as much as she does and she wants me to contribute more.  She says I am "taking advantage of her".

When we have disagreements my wife makes statements like "you always do X" or "you never do X".  When I ask for examples its always something from 10, 15, or 20 years ago that I don't even remember. 

My wife over the last 7 years or so has become very demanding.  She wants everything a certain way and wants to control everything.  Even the smallest things like landscaping colors have to be the way she wants them to be or she has a major outburst of anger and hostility.  Everything has to be done when she wants it done.  For example, the dishes must be done in the morning before she leaves for work.

She complains that she never has time to take care of herself or reach any of her goals.  The problem is that she commits herself to so many different things that she self sabotages.  I pointed this out to her by saying "are you sure you want to sign up for that, I hear that your already pretty stressed and don't have enough time now, this could make things more stressful" but she dismisses it.  Any project or thing that brings me joy she makes me feel bad about it somehow ...its almost like jealousy that I am happy and she isn't.

My wife seems to have a lot of anxiety.  I even had someone say to me one that she seems "very high strung".  She embellishes details of any situation to make herself seem like more of a victim.  When she talks its very intense and I feel a lot of "pressure" from her.  She will often interrupt or talk over me making it impossible to have a productive conversation or maintain my train of thought.

There is a lot more to this story, however I will simply say that I am sure I could do some things better to be a better husband etc.  At the same time though, my wife seems to be dealing with some type of internal turmoil and its really affecting my mental health.  I find myself with much higher levels of anxiety and agitation when she is home (on the weekends for example).  Lately, I have just been distancing myself because I can't handle it anymore.  Last night, I told her I think we need to see a marriage counselor again because I feel like we are having communication issues.

My wife has always leaned towards the negative so I don't expect that to change but the way she treats me is with zero respect and zero appreciation makes me feel demoralized when I am around here and she is behaving this way...which lately is most of the time.  I don't want to be intimate with someone who treats me like garbage and I tell her when she treats me that way it doesn't make me feel close to her and that she is pushing me away.  She thinks I am manipulating her by withholding sex and she calls me a narcissist.

Any feedback on how to improve the situation would be much appreciated.

[Acacia98]

You can't fix your marriage singlehandedly. So whatever solutions are proposed, she has to be on board. Is that likely to be the case? 

Is it possible that you're just not the greatest match for each other (you do say it's been a contentious marriage for the most part)? Maybe it's time you both considered a trial separation?

[Gebidozo]

OP,  the way your wife has been treating you is bordering on emotional abuse. Perhaps that border has been crossed already. If you really want to save this marriage, prolonged and intense couples counseling would be a good first step. Obviously, your wife has to be fully onboard with that.

Otherwise, perhaps you could consider separation and eventually divorce. Personally, I don’t think it’s possible to salvage something that has been exposed to such toxic atmosphere for years.

[HusbandFather77]

10 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

You can't fix your marriage singlehandedly. So whatever solutions are proposed, she has to be on board. Is that likely to be the case? 

Is it possible that you're just not the greatest match for each other (you do say it's been a contentious marriage for the most part)? Maybe it's time you both considered a trial separation?

Things really changed when we reconciled the last time.  I honestly think my wife doesn’t even know she is behaving this way so I stopped taking it personally and becoming defensive ..most of the time anyway.  We have a lot of time invested in each other and I truly believe we can work through this.

46 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

OP,  the way your wife has been treating you is bordering on emotional abuse. Perhaps that border has been crossed already. If you really want to save this marriage, prolonged and intense couples counseling would be a good first step. Obviously, your wife has to be fully onboard with that.

Otherwise, perhaps you could consider separation and eventually divorce. Personally, I don’t think it’s possible to salvage something that has been exposed to such toxic atmosphere for years.

I feel the same way but my wife just can’t help herself sometimes.  I really thing she is struggling with something internally.  Yes I think we need to do couples counseling again.

lately she is always complaining that she has to pay for things.  I told her I just bought out the propane tank $1,800 plus I just paid another $1,600 for some Ethernet wiring for our home offices.  Now she is complaining about drywall repairs.  She doesn’t want to help out with any of it.  Her reason for not paying for any of it was because she paid for Disney vacation.  Look I like Disney but I only go because my wife and daughter want me to go….otherwise I’m just as happy going to a local beach or other outdoor activities.  But wait, she wants to buys $50,000 Disney vacation club timeshare and a new travel trailer for 60k.

I don’t understand her logic.  My therapist seems to think my wife runs her life more on emotions and I run on logic mostly.  
 

🤦🏻‍♂️

Edited October 10 by HusbandFather77

[S2B]

Your wife knows exactly how she is behaving.

if you don’t like it - tell her you both must do counseling - LONG term.

and do not risk having another child if you aren’t in agreement.

if needed - stay away while she says she is at her peak fertile time.

or better yet - yes, admit you will with hold sex until she can become a consistent kind, loving and supportive partner.

im unsure why you stay in such an unhappy home environment.  I would seriously co spider divorce - or at minimum - long term separation again until she gets a grip on her constant complaining.

[Gebidozo]

1 hour ago, HusbandFather77 said:

I feel the same way but my wife just can’t help herself sometimes.

Of course she can. She just chooses not to. And yes, obviously she has internal issues that cause her to behave like this. That doesn’t mean her behavior isn’t abusive. Every abusive behavior stems from internal problems.

 

1 hour ago, HusbandFather77 said:

I don’t understand her logic.

Whatever her logic is, if after 24 years (!) you’re still having such financial incompatibilities and disagreements, it makes me wonder how the marriage even managed to survive for that long. 

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, HusbandFather77 said:

Things really changed when we reconciled the last time.  I honestly think my wife doesn’t even know she is behaving this way so I stopped taking it personally and becoming defensive ..most of the time anyway.  We have a lot of time invested in each other and I truly believe we can work through this.

I feel the same way but my wife just can’t help herself sometimes.  I really thing she is struggling with something internally.  Yes I think we need to do couples counseling again.

🤦🏻‍♂️

OP, I guess you have to convince yourself the situation is manageable because it is your family and your life. But things are actually much worse than you are willing to acknowledge. For me, what really stands out is the fact that, inasmuch as your relationship has deteriorated tremendously and is essentially abusive, you seem to be going along with your wife's desire to bring another child into the world. Why on earth would you do that, knowing full well your marriage was in the ICU, unless you were in denial?

I think you need to work on rebuilding your self-esteem. The fact that you are more inclined to sympathize with your abusive spouse than to feel for yourself or any child you would drag into that situation speaks volumes. It makes it clear that your wife is the important person in your home. The rest of you are basically extensions of her. Your needs are supplementary to hers. She can do whatever, and you will hang around for decades tolerating it because you've invested so much time, energy, etc. That is honestly heartbreaking. You are worthy of so much more.

[S2B]

No one should stay in a marriage to tolerate the abuse.

you should be wanting to stay in the marriage because you feel the love you both have.

i don’t see where she is doing the “love, honor and respect” you part of the vows you both took.

if she isn’t willing to do that - you need to let her know that you plan to exit.

the example of a marriage you are both setting for your daughter is sad - she’s likely to choose the same dynamic for herself that she’s been shown by you and your wife. It would be useful for your daughter to understand that a healthy marriage doesn’t look like yours.

Edited October 10 by S2B

[HusbandFather77]

You all make valid points.  We are going to do counseling again to see how that can help.  I do love my wife and I believe she loves me she is just struggling with things right now.  I don't excuse her behavior but divorce and separation is very complicated, painful, and messy.  I want to at least try counseling again before we go down that road.  We were able to talk and be close last night.  Some of it I think is that we are both busy all the time and feel like life is passing us by too quickly.

I think we will both benefit from the counseling and she is onboard with that.  I appreciate this group so much for telling it like it is and giving good solid feedback.