Was I the really the problem?

[aerolover]

I was dating this guy for five months. I thought I’d done the work on myself. I was single for four years and just knew the next one was going to be my last one.  Well, wrong. 

 

We talked every single day after we met. He was three weeks single. His former girlfriend cheated. They weren’t together very long. A few months. I asked if he was okay after that. Had he processed it all… he said yes. We’re long distance but I have flight benefits and five flights a day a could catch to go see him. He’s visited me as well. 

 

Things are going amazing for a couple of months. Til one day I made him mad when I text him “are we exclusive”? He felt that was a phone conversation. We talked about it the next day and things still felt weird. But I learned that for him exclusivity meant we were headed for marriage but I was the only woman he intended to date. So I was satisfied with that. But still a bit uneasy about how he went from 0 to 10 about it. He became distant and I became frustrated because we had been talking every single day and now suddenly he needs space. I called him one day, and I was wrong. But I scolded him instead of talking through it. I felt abandoned. I called him a jerk. He said he didn’t like name calling. I didn’t expect him to emote the way he did because he equated that to me calling him a b****. He found me disrespectful. But I was just hurt that he stonewalled me and I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. I also didn’t think too much of the word like he did. But I apologized and I never did it again. I don’t think he ever forgave me. Even his apology to me was cold. I had to explain to no avail how “I’m sorry you feel that way” was not an apology. Neither one of us possessed proper de-escalation tools that day. It was our worst argument. This is when I learned about his habit of withdrawing when upset. That was the longest two weeks of my life. He probably reached out to me once or twice. There was a hurricane and he was hosting his parents so I didn’t push. I allowed him to just come to me. We had a date set that month. I wrote it in pink on my calendar. I spent that weekend with my friend because he didn’t want to see me and refused to allow me to come over when I wanted to talk in person because he was processing. I passed through his city on the way to mine. 

 

We talked about it and moved on. My main point was it felt like solitary confinement after speaking to him every day. His main concern was respect. And I heard him. So I became more careful about how I addressed anything with him. I asked him to watch his tone sometimes, I thought I’d asked respectfully but he got triggered. I asked if his response to me speaking on his tone came from somewhere in the past. He said that it didn’t matter. That was a thing. But I apologized and never spoke on his tone again. Then once we were flirting and he thought I wanted him to leave his parents to hang out with him. He went off on me. I withdrew from the conversation and he apologized the next day when I reached out.

 

But this summer he expressed his feelings for me and his appreciate for the way I handled him during conflicts. And in that moment I really thought we had one another. I really did.

 

I met his friends and I was excited about that day. He didn’t make much plans besides us going to lunch with them. Which I learned later that was all we were supposed to do. I noticed his lack of presence at lunch and in the car I told him that he could have just been a bit more cognizant of the day because I felt like I had to carry us at that table. He was slouched and a bit and sluggish. He’d gone out with them the night before and drank too much. He thought that was disrespectful. Accused me of not wanting him to hang with his friends whom he hadn’t seen in a while. That was definitely not the case. We go to the movies as a last minute thing later that day and his usual theatre was sold out. I suggested another and he complained about the thirty minute drive. We had fun though. I usually have to hear him complain before anything. He calls it expressing. But sometimes it felt unnecessary and could take the fun out of things. 

 

Get back to the house, I teach him a card game and then he wants to watch tv the rest of the night. I don’t. And I’m a bit disappointed because I thought the weekend was going to be a bit more. I hadn’t seen him in a month and a half because he was hosting his folks. He asks what I want to do and I’m not from his city so I didn’t really know. So instead of causing a scene I retired to bed. We were both tired anyways. 

 

He takes me to the airport the next day. I have to go to FLL for something and ended up getting stuck because of a storm trying to get home. I have a puppy with me. I transport them as a side hustle and was supposed to have been bring it back home. Well my only way out of FLL that day was Houston and I asked if he’d accommodate us. He agrees. But I get a bit of lip about it even as I’m reassuring him I had it taken care of. Which I did. I tell him what time I’m landing. It’s right around 9pm. I thought he’d come to get me but he asks me to Uber instead.

 

I learned he was hungover again and tired from having gone out with other friends. I tell him that maybe I’ll just get a hotel because per our phone conversation he didn’t sound like he wanted to deal with the situation. But he blew up and said if he didn’t want me to come he would’ve said that. He told me to just do what I wanted but he’s not entertaining the conversation anymore. I tuck my tail and say I’m on the way. I come over and it’s a bit awkward but we get through the night. No problems. I take a couple days and talk to him about it. My main concern was that we’d previously spoken about it being difficult for me to ask anyone for help and that night I felt stressed and I needed him. His argument was that I should’ve understood he was tired. And I did. But if the shoe was on the other foot I would’ve rolled the carpet out for anything he needed no matter what. He didn’t check on me that night either like he usually did. I lost three Ubers and it was an hour and a half before I got to his house 20 minutes away.

 

After that night I never saw him again. We continued talking on the phone and texting and I expressed I missed him. For an entire month he’d had trips planned to visit friends around the country. One day I express feelings that he was planning things with everyone else but me. He said he’d already had those things planned in advance. And I said I understood and left it alone. I realized how that might have come off to him so I text and asked if everything was okay. He said everything was fine and we carried on. 

 

I don’t respond to a text one day and he calls me out (I was traveling that day and didn’t have a response and figured we’d talk later), but I apologized and said it wouldn’t happen again. That night I said I missed him and when I tried to throw some trip ideas out (he previously agreed on my suggestion to travel somewhere together) he suddenly said he wanted to limit spending for his upcoming trip to Europe. I let it go. 

 

Labor Day weekend I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days. He mentioned he wanted to rest. I didn’t exactly know what that meant but I didn’t press him. I gave him space. I started to feel like I was walking on eggshells if I ever mentioned anything. Instead of hearing me out he’d just instantly blow up. And label me disrespectful. I called him that Sunday and when he answered he was hungover again. I started to tell him I hoped he felt better and ask him to call later but something in me couldn’t let it go. Because I’d been saying I missed him for weeks and he didn’t make plans for us. Then he blew up. He didn’t know if he ever wanted to see me again. Said he don’t think we’d work out. And now I’m devastated because I put all my eggs in that basket and I wanted it to work so bad. But I don’t think he ever forgave me for anything. He told me I was unapologetic and not self reflective and he’s not in the business of begging for an apology. But when I asked if things were okay he said yes, so I really didn’t know. For him I wasn’t paying enough attention and I should’ve known. But I just feel blindsided. Besides our first argument I really felt as though I was giving my best and communicating the best I knew how hoping he would create open dialogue and not misconstrue my intentions. Because my intentions were always good. But he saw me as disrespectful. And he was exhausted.

[Gebidozo]

I don’t think you were the only problem. Rather, the two of you were having too many problems with each other. LDR’s are tough, but at least when the two partners finally meet each other they should be in full honeymoon mode instead of bickering about each other’s behavior like an old couple that has fallen out of love with each other.

 

[Acacia98]

You really shouldn't have gotten involved with someone three weeks out of a relationship.

Beyond that, this guy sounds like a migraine and a half. For your sake, I'm glad it's over. 

You need to work on listening to your inner alarm bell. His reaction to your question about exclusivity was your cue to leave.

[Alpacalia]

It's good you finally asked the question because now you can see that you weren't on the same page.

When you asked if you were exclusive after 5 months, his response would have been "Yes, I am completely over my ex and only want to be with you" if he were serious. Instead, he got defensive and distant, which is a clear sign that he wasn't sure or ready for a commitment.

Please don't doubt yourself because you wanted to establish what you meant to each other, his response is classic douchey behavior designed to make you feel like you're the one who's blowing things out of proportion. 

[NeurodivergentMe]

It’s not normal or acceptable for him to get angry when you make a simple request to know where you stood with him, ie are we exclusive? He is not entitled to just use someone to pass the time.

It is his responsibility to not date new people if he still hadn’t got over the last relationship.