ConFused643 Posted October 9 Share Posted October 9 I am married and the man I am having an affair with is also married. We work together and have been colleagues and friends for 8 years. In July, he kissed me and I didn't push him away. I haven't had intimate relations with my husband in an embarrassingly long time as I am no longer in love with my husband. Anyway, kissing in July led to sex in August and again and again. Now we've slept together many times and I am so confused. First he makes comments that being married is boring. Then the other night he makes sure to tell me that he loves his wife and his life (btw I never asked him to leave her or make any promises to me). I was sure that was his way of ending things. But then he wanted to sleep together that night. What does this man want? Is he a good person or is he just in it for sex? Is he confused about his own feelings or is he just using me? I care about him. He is everything my husband isn't and I enjoy spending time with him (not just sex). Not sure I am capable of more feelings but I know it isn't just random sex for me and I want it to be more than that for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted October 9 Share Posted October 9 I say this with care - because you already feel deeply about this and it isn’t just random sex for you … before you go any further I would ask him how he feels him mentioning he loves his wife is strange… to you. what I’m saying is if this is just sex for him please know this before you get yourself spending more months or years invested in this… If your aim is for him to leave his wife but he’s not going to … to stay will only leave you heartbroken. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 9 Share Posted October 9 1 hour ago, ConFused643 said: What does this man want? Sex. 1 hour ago, ConFused643 said: Is he a good person or is he just in it for sex? Meaning - if he had feelings for you, he is a “good person?” And, if he is just in it for the sex, he is not? IDK - married man he is having sex with his coworker without his wife’s knowledge or consent… how would his wife respond to this question? 1 hour ago, ConFused643 said: Not sure I am capable of more feelings but I know it isn't just random sex for me and I want it to be more than that for him. You are already emotionally attached to this man… I would urge you to reconsider this affair before you get more deeply involved because you are going to be hurt - badly. He’s told you what this is for him - he loves his wife and his family life. That was him - managing your expectations. You now need to make your decisions with the knowledge that this extramarital affair is “extra” for him - Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 9 Share Posted October 9 (edited) 1 hour ago, ConFused643 said: First he makes comments that being married is boring. Most married men do some version of this when they are grooming a woman because not many women will have sex with a man who says “I love my wife and my family. I have no intention of leaving my marriage.” 1 hour ago, ConFused643 said: Then the other night he makes sure to tell me that he loves his wife and his life (btw I never asked him to leave her or make any promises to me). This is him, managing your expectations. He’s telling you subtly that he has no intentions of leaving his marriage. It was a test. He’s essentially telling you that it’s just sex and he’s wondering - 1 hour ago, ConFused643 said: I was sure that was his way of ending things. But then he wanted to sleep together that night. Are you still in? Just because you think one way about your marriage and this affair doesn’t mean that he thinks the same. He doesn’t. Men and women think very differently about relationships, sex, and marriage. The last paragraph proves it - you assumed that because he told you that he loves his wife, he would want to end this affair. Turns out - he loves his wife AND he wants to continue to have sex with you… go figure. Edited October 9 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Gebidozo Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 4 hours ago, ConFused643 said: What does this man want? Extra pleasure on the side for himself. 4 hours ago, ConFused643 said: Is he a good person or is he just in it for sex? What do you mean? He is cheating on his wife, h whom he claims to love, continues the affair and has no plans to divorce the wife he deceives and be with you. That already means that he isn’t a good person. A good person would either stop the affair immediately or divorce his wife. It doesn’t matter what exactly he is in for. 4 hours ago, ConFused643 said: I care about him. He is everything my husband isn't and I enjoy spending time with him (not just sex). Why are you still with your husband? The very first thing to do in your situation is to divorce your husband. Your marriage has been dead for a long while. You honestly admit that you don’t love him. There is absolutely no reason to perpetuate this deception and this sham marriage. Set your husband free. Don’t you think he’d rather be with a woman who loves him than with one who doesn’t? After you’ve done that, if you still feel you love this other man, challenge him. Tell him that he either divorces his wife and gets together with you, or it’s over between you too. Then, and only then, you’ll truly know what he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 (edited) He’s mentioning he loves his life with his wife because he doesn’t want you expecting anything from him. other than some time, sex and secrecy - he’s not going to give you anything more. test it out. Start demanding more from him and you’ll find out that he will cut you off. as long as you expect nothing and have no feelings - this will work out until one of you gets caught. and speaking of that - you should let your husband know - so he can understand who he is really married to - and why things aren’t going well at home. He deserves to know so he doesn’t blame himself. he hasn’t changed - you have. and yes, the other man is a jerk. He’s been using you as much as you’ve used him. Edited October 10 by S2B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 16 hours ago, ConFused643 said: Not sure I am capable of more feelings but I know it isn't just random sex for me and I want it to be more than that for him. I would suggest you dial your feelings way back. Him telling you that he loves his wife and his life and then wanting sex was a warning from him that he's only interested in sex and even though he told you marriage is boring, he still is in love with his wife and isn't going anywhere. He's using you for extra on the side while you're falling in love with him. I agree tell your husband what's going on and file for divorce if you're unhappy. Your husband and this man's wife deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 34 minutes ago, stillafool said: even though he told you marriage is boring, he still is in love with his wife and isn't going anywhere. Very true. Extramarital affairs tend to make marriage a little less boring… many men stay in “boring” marriages and seek their fun on the side. That seems to be exactly what this man is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 10 Share Posted October 10 You want to understand how this guy feels, yet you're asking us? You've had a front row seat to watch the guy's capacity for deception and disloyalty toward someone he claims to love. If you were to extract some kind of confession of loving feelings from him, what would make you trust that beyond a given moment? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 Can we assume that your marriage is stale or are you looking for an exit affair? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 (edited) Divorce is a big deal. It likely is more than just sex to him - sex is a major way to express love and/or strong emotion for many men, BUT that doesn't mean he'll want to leave his marriage. Perhaps he is sensing that you might hope for that, and so is "heading it off at the pass." An irony of affairs is that they are sometimes a bandage on a less-than-happy marriage, and so can make it easier for someone to stay in a marriage they're not fully happy with. From everything one hears and reads, affairs don't tend to end well, one way or another, and even when they do "end well" (depending on one's perspective) it tends to be a rocky road. Edited October 11 by mark clemson 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts