opie70 Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 I am in an odd relationship situation, we where married for 20 years I cheated, we got divorced but are still together very strange I know. So before I cheated our sex life was not great all the usual stuff to less frequent, excuses, etc which i understand to a point when you are with the same partner for a long time. I end up cheating, and i know its no excuse but we where barely having sex at that point, I get caught she wants a divorce, but immediately after my infidelity she is all over me literally wants sex 2 or 3 times a day that lasts a week or so, we get the divorce but agree to stay together. We try therapy very briefly and i think she believed that it was just going to be a slam session on me and how awful a person i am, it wasn't and after we got out of the appointment she said i don't think we need this anymore and it was the 1st and last secession we went to. So to make a long story short we are still together 5 or so years later we barely have sex maybe once every couple months, im super frustrated, i will never cheat again but im at my wits end. I try to have sex with her or even bring it up and its always why are you always harassing me about it, or don't feel good, if you do this for me ill have sex with you tomorrow night and then she doesn't, or she falls asleep on the couch. I love her and other than the sex our relationship is going great, im 55 and don't want this to be the way it is the rest of my life, and I know that cheating was an awful thing to do to her and i truly regret it, just don't know where to go from here Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 (edited) Ahhh bloody sex!!! If you’re not on the same page it can be a nightmare! she obviously wanted to forgive you and you’ve stayed together.. see if you can come to a compromise about it .. if your sex drive is higher talk to her and see if you can kind of work on it … Edited October 11 by Georgia46 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 (edited) I'm going to be really blunt: She doesn't want sex with you. Could be because the relationship has lost the romance or because her hormones have tanked due to menopause....or likely, a combination of both. As a woman who is your age and who used to really loved sex, I can attest to the fact that these days, I feel pretty much asexual. I can try to have it, but I don't get aroused, it's painful and stimulation has become annoying rather than pleasurable. It saddens me terribly that this is the new me and I have tried looking for solutions, but it is what it is. I suggest you have two options: either accept that she's entered a different phase of her life or respectfully end the relationship, move out and start dating again. Edited October 11 by basil67 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 11 Share Posted October 11 (edited) 58 minutes ago, basil67 said: I suggest you have two options: either accept that she's entered a different phase of her life or respectfully end the relationship, move out and start dating again. As a woman who is slightly younger but still struggling with perimenopause, recently married, and definitely in a renewed honeymoon phase of the relationship - I would agree that these are your two options. I don’t see her suddenly deciding to attend counselling or put more energy into having a satisfying sexual relationship with you. I’m very sorry. She’s already demonstrated to you that she is content with the relationship as it is and not motivated to improve the situation. Edited October 11 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author opie70 Posted October 12 Author Share Posted October 12 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: I’m very sorry. She’s already demonstrated to you that she is content with the relationship as it is and not motivated to improve the situation. Unfortunately for me I think your right, I try bringing it up and she just says I'm not sensitive to her situation (menapause), and I do understand, but the few time we are intimate she seems to enjoy it and will then say oh that was pretty good we should do it more often, and then nothing back to the same old story. Believe me I'm realistic, I'd be happy with once a month. I guess this is just what my life is going to be. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 (edited) 24 minutes ago, opie70 said: I try bringing it up and she just says I'm not sensitive to her situation (menopause) I’m in the early stages of menopause and my desire for sex has not changed. It’s definitely a tremendous change - it feels like nothing is the same some days! Every woman’s experience is different and I don’t want to minimize the change because some days it is rough! Shifting hormones, weight gain, exhaustion, hot flashes - it’s not easy. Some women have pain, or require surgery, or they are thrown into menopause suddenly after surgery - this will absolutely change your sex life. But, it’s not a given that a woman will lose interest in sex during menopause. A woman can still have a healthy sex life in menopause. I would be frustrated with the stonewalling and the lack of communication. I would have been very angry when she made the unilateral decision not to go back to therapy. I would be really frustrated with the fact that she shifts the blame to you - that you are not understanding of how she is feeling. I hate to say it, but many women do this. They are simply not investing in the relationship/interested in sex anymore but they want to keep the comforts of their marriage. Menopause is the excuse that a man can’t argue with because if he does, he is “insensitive.” That’s not fair. I would expect my wife to be communicating with me, concerned about my feelings as well as her own - there are other ways that she can show affection or pleasure you that don’t involve penetration. The fact that she has just shut down and shut you out would be really frustrating to me (if I was in your position). Edited October 12 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 You could consider having an ethical polyamory discussion with her. Probably wouldn't go well, but if you at least explain it's "not what you would choose, and is a last resort, NOT a first one" she might at least see how much it's bothering you. I do think the odds her turning around due to it are slim. While I'm NOT encouraging you to divorce or end your LTR, the prospect of you leaving MIGHT get her to be willing to at least have "duty sex". That is something to consider, but again NOT a recommendation. Bluffs (if that's what it would be) sometimes get called... Link to post Share on other sites
Author opie70 Posted October 12 Author Share Posted October 12 1 hour ago, mark clemson said: You could consider having an ethical polyamory discussion with her. Probably wouldn't go well, but if you at least explain it's "not what you would choose, and is a last resort, NOT a first one" she might at least see how much it's bothering you. I do think the odds her turning around due to it are slim. I feel like that would not go over well at all, especially with my past digression. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 On 10/11/2024 at 11:13 AM, opie70 said: ...im 55 and don't want this to be the way it is the rest of my life, This ^^^^ is how I would open the discussion, then I'd ask, "Tell me what you believe to be my options." 20 hours ago, BaileyB said: I would be frustrated with the stonewalling and the lack of communication. I would have been very angry when she made the unilateral decision not to go back to therapy. I would be really frustrated with the fact that she shifts the blame to you - that you are not understanding of how she is feeling. I hate to say it, but many women do this. They are simply not investing in the relationship/interested in sex anymore but they want to keep the comforts of their marriage. Menopause is the excuse that a man can’t argue with because if he does, he is “insensitive.” That’s not fair. I would expect my wife to be communicating with me, concerned about my feelings as well as her own - there are other ways that she can show affection or pleasure you that don’t involve penetration. The fact that she has just shut down and shut you out would be really frustrating to me (if I was in your position). I agree with this ^^^. I'd tell wife that she doesn't own the right to sentence me to a sexless existence. If she won't discuss this and work with a therapist or a gynecologist, and she won't agree to stay with me if I pursue sex outside the marriage, then she needs to consider what options are left to us as a couple, and she can let me know tomorrow morning. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 (edited) 22 minutes ago, Leihla_B said: She needs to consider what options are left to us as a couple, and she can let me know tomorrow morning. I agree. It’s time to have the hard discussion that she’s been trying to avoid for a very long time… The truth is, there is a lot of room to compromise between sexless relationship and the norm which is about weekly or biweekly for a married couple your age. But she needs to meets you halfway - it starts by communicating about her feelings and her intentions in the marriage. OP, I would suggest that your job in this negotiation is to decide what you want/expect from the marriage. What do you expect from your partner in term of communication? What do you expect in terms of day-to-day life (ie. sharing the responsibilities of life and home)? What do you expect in terms of non-sexual affection (ie. do you still enjoy life together, do you go on dates and have some common interests and cuddle on the sofa when you watch tv together)? And what do you expect in terms of a sexual relationship with your wife? With your intentions clear, you see what she comes back with… her response may tell you all you need to know. Edited October 12 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 13 Share Posted October 13 Instead of cheating - you could have divorced her knowing she doesn’t intend to consider your needs! isn’t it interesting she didn’t want to continue therapy = she didn’t want to hear the truth of what could improve the marriage = she would have been encouraged to change and compromise. if you do t like it - divorce her. Some people just become incompatible! there’s no need to stay knowing you’ll be miserable. but cheating because your needs aren’t being met - no way. You can divorce and THEN do whatever you choose to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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