Butterflying Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 (edited) My boyfriend keeps notifications on for EVERYTHING. And he has a lot of apps on the phone. It’s impossible to distinguish between texts or phone calls. So he is preoccupied with his phone 24/7. He turns off some of the notifications when we’re together because the constant beeping, buzzing, ringing is annoys me, especially at night when we’re in bed. He used to complain about not being able to sleep. Now I see the reason. We’re talking about moving in together in the near future. Should I tell him the phone notifications will have to be muted permanently in order to live together? I can’t imagine living with that noise. My phone only rings for calls & beeps for texts. And it’s minimal. I live in peace & quiet. No kids. He lives with an adult daughter, her two infant/ toddler children & boyfriend. I never stay at their house, because it’s too busy & noisy. But I wonder, am I being too critical? It has gotten to the point where I decline activities with him because I know he’s gonna bring his noisy phone. And he doesn’t always respond to the notifications because they’re not important. Which makes me ask, why keep notifications on if most of the stuff is spam, junk, ect? Edited October 12 by Butterflying Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 He keeps the notifications on because he likes it that way. Of course, that doesn't mean you can't tell him how it makes you feel. The fact that you're avoiding seeing him rather than having a conversation about his phone suggests that you're not comfortable with asking. What's going on there? I should be a relatively simple conversation. Get this sorted out before you even consider moving in together I do think that telling him that notifications must be muted permanently is a step too far. It's perfectly reasonable to have some noises on breakthrough...such as best friends, family and work so that he doesn't miss important messages. You're going to have to find compromise, but I think he needs to make the biggest change on his end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterflying Posted October 12 Author Share Posted October 12 I don’t want to talk about it because it makes me appear insecure. I have no way to know if these notifications & alerts are from other women he’s dealing with. I remain positive & try not to think that way. But it’s hard to understand why anyone would want all those distractions, especially if it’s not important. Out of spite, I changed the settings on my phone to alert me for every email, social media, texts, comments, phone calls. The joke was on me because my alerts still didn’t match his. My phone made a sound every five or six hours as opposed to his non stop every few minutes. Link to post Share on other sites
Georgia46 Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 Are they text message or Whatts App notifications? Do you think it’s suspicious? I mute all my notifications and groups as sometimes omg 🙈 like there’s some mad people in the work group and they send all sorts late in the night sometimes and I’m 💤💤💤💤💤 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 7 hours ago, Butterflying said: I don’t want to talk about it because it makes me appear insecure. I have no way to know if these notifications & alerts are from other women he’s dealing with. I remain positive & try not to think that way. But it’s hard to understand why anyone would want all those distractions, especially if it’s not important. Out of spite, I changed the settings on my phone to alert me for every email, social media, texts, comments, phone calls. The joke was on me because my alerts still didn’t match his. My phone made a sound every five or six hours as opposed to his non stop every few minutes. Wait, so you decided that it was a good idea to do all this instead of just, you know, TALKING to him about this??? Some people literally don't notice noise, they might have no idea they're bothering you if you can't be an adult and use your words. Why on earth would you be changing your phone settings, declining outings with him, and thinking about giving him permanent mute ultimatums... when you haven't even told him that it bothers you? Btw, talking about something that bothers you doesn't make you appear insecure. This post makes it clear that you ARE insecure, however (especially the "other women" part.... he is your boyfriend, is he not?!), and that you might be going a step too far in trying to cover it up. Perhaps this is something that a therapist could help you with? Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 11 hours ago, Butterflying said: ...We’re talking about moving in together in the near future....He lives with an adult daughter, her two infant/ toddler children & boyfriend. I never stay at their house, because it’s too busy & noisy. This sounds like a far bigger issue than a phone. You say you don't want to discuss it to avoid appearing insecure. That makes no sense. Self-respecting people have no problem raising issues of annoyance, especially when there's a simple fix. If you can't bring yourself to discuss something as benign as phone noises, how do you expect to enjoy exchanging your peaceful life for a household full of chaos with another couple and their children? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 10 hours ago, Butterflying said: I don’t want to talk about it because it makes me appear insecure. If you can't have a conversation about feeling insecure, you are really not ready to live together. 10 hours ago, Butterflying said: . I have no way to know if these notifications & alerts are from other women he’s dealing with. Is there some concrete reason to believe he's got side women? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 12 Share Posted October 12 15 hours ago, Butterflying said: I don’t want to talk about it because it makes me appear insecure. I have no way to know if these notifications & alerts are from other women he’s dealing with. You opened the thread by saying that the constant noises from his phone drive you nuts because you like peace and quiet. But now you're talking about them possibly being from other women. If you think he may be messaging with other women, why is banning the alerts a solution? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterflying Posted October 14 Author Share Posted October 14 The problem is that I don’t know what the alerts are. They all sound the same. And he ignores most of them. He complains about not getting enough rest. And even puts his phone on Do Not Disturb when he’s resting for work. He won’t put in on DND when he’s with me because he’s worried about missing a call from his daughter. Basically, there are times he’s unavailable when he’s not with me. I don’t understand why he can’t be unavailable to anyone else when we’re together. And hearing all these alerts makes me think he’s afraid to miss anything outside of whatever we’re doing together. Like he can never be fully present with me. Even though he ignores the alerts, they’re still distractions. He checks his smartwatch or phone to see what it is. If it’s his daughter, a friend, or relative he answers. I never knew at which point he’ll have go take care of a crisis. It’s probably like a doctor being on call 24/7. But he’s just a regular guy with a regular career that doesn’t require his phone. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 14 Share Posted October 14 If he muted the alerts, would your insecurities about other women disappear? All in all, if this is bothering you, you need to have a discussion. Perhaps don't divulge your insecurities, but you sure as heck can tell him that they constant pinging is distracting and annoying. I'd hate it if my husband's phone was constantly pinging and would have said something loooong ago Lastly, if you're not prepared to have a conversation, then you'll have to put the idea of moving in with him on hold. Not just because of the noise, but because you aren't comfortable in finding your voice. And therein lays another conversation. There is no getting away from difficult conversations 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 14 Share Posted October 14 Is this the same guy who has the useless early 20's daughter and her children? Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted October 15 Share Posted October 15 20 hours ago, Butterflying said: He won’t put in on DND when he’s with me because he’s worried about missing a call from his daughter. He can put it on DND and add his daughter's number to a VIP/favorites list that will allow her calls/texts to come through with notifications, while silencing all others. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 15 Share Posted October 15 16 hours ago, introverted1 said: He can put it on DND and add his daughter's number to a VIP/favorites list that will allow her calls/texts to come through with notifications, while silencing all others. Exactly. On 10/13/2024 at 11:55 PM, Butterflying said: ...hearing all these alerts makes me think he’s afraid to miss anything outside of whatever we’re doing together. Like he can never be fully present with me. This doesn't sound 'insecure', it sounds reasonable. I'd tell him that I feel this way. I'd ask him to create a VIP/Favorites list that can break through a DND setting so that he can put his phone on DND when he's with me. It's a perfectly valid thing to ask, and if he reacts negatively to the suggestion, I'd pause long enough to let him hear how he just responded to me. Then I'd gently ask if he's willing to explain why not. If he remains defensive, that could be the reaction you expect and fear, because it forces you to question his loyalty and concern for your feelings. But raising this prevents you from depriving yourself of valuable information. That information will help you decide whether this is good enough for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 15 Share Posted October 15 On 10/13/2024 at 11:55 PM, Butterflying said: I don’t understand why he can’t be unavailable to anyone else when we’re together. Depends how much time you are together? If you are spending most of your days and nights together I think it's unreasonable to ask of him to ignore all his notifications. If he spends just his weekends with you then yes, he should be able to put everyone on do-not-disturb and put his daughter/parents on the exception list. If something is really annoying you you should speak up otherwise you will not succeed at relationships. Relationships are about communication and compromise for the good of both. My solution is I have a unique notification sound for my daughters. When I hear a ding I will not check my phone if it's not my daughter's notifications. Social media, the news, the weather, the games, all of those notifications are on mute. Concerning your boyfriend maybe this is the symptoms of something bigger. I am thinking along the line of an addiction to social media. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 15 Share Posted October 15 On 10/14/2024 at 1:55 PM, Butterflying said: He won’t put in on DND when he’s with me because he’s worried about missing a call from his daughter. The whole point of DND is that you can set up exceptions for specific callers... like his daughter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Butterflying Posted October 19 Author Share Posted October 19 On 10/14/2024 at 2:09 AM, basil67 said: Is this the same guy who has the useless early 20's daughter and her children? OMG!! Yes. Thanks for recalling that. We actually did break up at that time (2 years ago). We’ve recently reconnected. Our job transferred me to a city that’s only a 2 hour drive from where he lives. So much has changed. But everything with the daughter is still the same. He has made effort to communicate more. We see each other on weekends at least twice a month. We’ve gone away for a week on vacation recently. Most of the alerts are surveillance cameras at his house. He doesn’t stop everything to watch the footage like he used to. When his daughter isn’t home, his phone is less noisy. I have no idea why he doesn’t designate different sounds. I also can’t understand why all the alerts don’t get on his nerves. If my phone were like that it would drive me insane. Lol That’s why I don’t like being around his phone. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 19 Share Posted October 19 3 hours ago, Butterflying said: Most of the alerts are surveillance cameras at his house. What??? The alerts are not the main issue here! The issue is that he's watching his daughter's comings and goings on a camera. I understand one or two cameras running in the background in case of robbery which he could refer back to if there was an event, but he's actually watching his own family on them. Why on earth does he need to see what his daughter is doing? And he's living his life around her needs. That's creepy AF 🤨 Does she know she's being watched? This is not a good man to be with. If you end up with him, he'll likely be watching what you're doing too Link to post Share on other sites
Leihla_B Posted October 19 Share Posted October 19 11 hours ago, Butterflying said: So much has changed. But everything with the daughter is still the same. That's not going to change. Is this household what you envision for your future? Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted October 19 Share Posted October 19 How long ago did you reconnect? It was not working before so why do you think it wil work this time around? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts