Confused about signals from a woman I really like

[MarkP]

I'm in need of some advice regarding a woman I've had feelings for for years.

We worked together before and I thought we got on well and that there was some sort of 'connection' so one night during a Whatsapp chat I suggested going for a drink one night and if I remember correctly her reply was 'I don't know what to say about that' or something similar to that but not an outright no, so I put it down to her way of letting me down gently, so I kind of backtracked saying something like 'no worries, wouldn't won't anything to get awkward between us at work' or something like that, and it was never mentioned between us again and things at work were as normal as usual, she'd even sit right close to me when we were hunched over a PC together and I was even pulled up for favouring her, which I told her too (by the way I wasn't her boss, and am in the UK where workplace relationships aren't frowned upon as  they seem to be in the US).

I left not long after ( for other reasons, nothing to do with her), then Covid hit and of course nobody hardly saw anyone for 2 years or so due to the Pandemic. We kept in contact via Whatsapp but it was always me that initiated contact not her, usually by sending a silly meme/vid which led to the usual 'How you been' type of conversation and we'd chat about work and I'd ask after her and her boys (she's a single Mum) etc,......

I often got the feeling she only replied to be polite, although often it led to lengthy chats, and in May she contacted me about any jobs at where I work as she was thinking of leaving the place we had worked together. She nearly applied for a job at my place  but didn't go through with it as the hours clashed with picking up her youngest from school.

I'd often say in the in the time in-between that we should meet up for a coffee sometime and her answer was always 'sounds good', although again I thought she might be saying it only to be polite and should I ever actually  ask she'd just make an excuse to not meet.

However this week I messaged her and said I was over her way Saturday and did she want to meet for a coffee ( I live in the next town only about a 20 min drive away) and she answered literally straight away saying 'what time you over?'. 

So we finally met up again today after about four and a half years of nothing but WhatsApp chats, and I must admit I was expecting her not to turn up, but she did.

I played it casual and was dressed in just jeans and a t-shirt and trainers (sneakers if you're American), the kind of clothes you'd expect to wear for a casual lunch time coffee, and when she arrived it looked as though she'd done her hair and make-up and 'made an effort' if you know what I mean. I greeted  her with a peck on the cheek which she was fine with and we sat and caught up and had a good chat for about 90 minutes, and covered everything, work, her boys, holidays etc etc and she couldn't believe it had been over 4 years since we last saw each other.

We left and started to walk in the same direction, as we both were heading towards the shops afterwards, and parted with another peck on the cheek and I'd said we shouldn't leave it another 4 years before meeting again!

I know for a fact she's still single and suggested next time meeting up for a drink ,but think she said something about getting some of our other old colleagues out too, but she was quite happy to meet on her own today and it went really well.

What confuses me is she obviously knows I like her in a more than a friend type of way, due to what I've said in the past about asking her out for a drink, etc, so why would a woman think about applying for a job, and meeting up for a coffee with, a guy she knows is in to her, if she doesn't feel the same way? 

I don't know what to do now. Should I wait a few weeks and next time we chat ask her out for a drink one night? I'm really confused by the signals so any help from a woman's perspective is greatly appreciated.

 

Ps 

Part of me is starting to think 'just go for it' next time we chat and just tell her how I feel about her, but another part of me says no, and jt says aske her out for a drink then see what happens.

 

 

 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, she knows how you feel. All along she has known. She knows you have a romantic interest.

Her suggesting that you bring colleagues for a follow-up meeting, that's her way of saying "NO, I DO NOT WANT TO GO OUT FOR DRINKS WITH YOU ALONE."

Heads up: you don't need to do all this analysis. You will know when a woman has a romantic interest in you. She will make it quite clear. And if she knows you have a romantic interest in her (which this woman clearly knows from your persistence despite her distance) she will make it obvious if she likes you in the same way. Doesn't matter how she dresses, how she does her hair or what she orders, she will make herself EASILY available to hang out with. She will make it easy for you to ask her out and will respond with lots of enthusiasm. 

Move on. She's not interested in romance. 

[Georgia46]

 

I would have said that I thought she was into you until I read the part about going for a drink and she suggested bringing other work colleagues.

It’s horrible when someone just doesn’t feel the way that you feel - 

i would just leave this woman alone and see if you bump into her again or if she initiated any contact and if not, there are other women out there - try not to set your sights on just one that’s giving unbothered vibes. 
 

Good luck 😎

[ShyViolet]

It sounds like it's very possible she viewed it as just a "friends" meet up.  But the way to find out is to ask her out on a proper date and see what she says.

[MarkP]

4 hours ago, Georgia46 said:

 

I would have said that I thought she was into you until I read the part about going for a drink and she suggested bringing other work colleagues.

It’s horrible when someone just doesn’t feel the way that you feel - 

i would just leave this woman alone and see if you bump into her again or if she initiated any contact and if not, there are other women out there - try not to set your sights on just one that’s giving unbothered vibes. 
 

Good luck 😎

Thank you

 

[MarkP]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It sounds like it's very possible she viewed it as just a "friends" meet up.  But the way to find out is to ask her out on a proper date and see what she says.

Thanks, I think I'll give it a while, maybe 2/3 weeks and next time we chat just straight up ask her out.

[MarkP]

Further to what you said SV, now we've reconnected properly, as in actually met face to face for the first time in years, I'm hoping (in vain, I know), that it might be a case where a  friendship turns in to something more. Even so at some point I'm going to have to ask out her out and lay my cards on the table and tell her how I feel as I need to get it off my chest and I guess what will be will be.

[ExpatInItaly]

She isn't interested. 

21 minutes ago, MarkP said:

at some point I'm going to have to ask out her out

You just did - and she suggested bringing other people. There is no need to lay your cards on the table, and it would be really awkward for her. She knows you like her and want more. I wouldn't suggest you put her in a position of having to dodge your advances yet again. 

 

[Georgia46]

1 hour ago, MarkP said:

Further to what you said SV, now we've reconnected properly, as in actually met face to face for the first time in years, I'm hoping (in vain, I know), that it might be a case where a  friendship turns in to something more. Even so at some point I'm going to have to ask out her out and lay my cards on the table and tell her how I feel as I need to get it off my chest and I guess what will be will be.

Because you really want this to work out I only hope that if you decide to tell her and she then tells you straight up she’s not interested that way… it may crush you… 

 

 

but maybe if you do ask her and she then gives you her final answer you will know for definite & then there’s no wondering anymore. 
 

For sure, friendship can grow into romance.. 

But … there’s a big world out there. 
she’s not the only woman in it. 
 

Take care of yourself 

 

 

[MarkP]

Thank you. I'll set myself up for disappointment and anything else will be a bonus!

[MarkP]

I need to do it, if anything for my own emotional wellbeing as I need to get it off my chest and can't go through life having not told her, even though I know in my heart that it won't turn out the way I want.

I guess what really sowed the seeds of confusion in my mind was if the roles were reversed and I knew a woman that was interested me and it wasn't reciprocal, then I wouldn't ask about applying for a job where she worked and definitely wouldn't meet up with her, even for just a casual lunchtime coffee, as I wouldn't want to send out the wrong signal.

Maybe that's the difference between men and women, or is it just me lol!

[Georgia46]

38 minutes ago, MarkP said:

I need to do it, if anything for my own emotional wellbeing as I need to get it off my chest and can't go through life having not told her, even though I know in my heart that it won't turn out the way I want.

I guess what really sowed the seeds of confusion in my mind was if the roles were reversed and I knew a woman that was interested me and it wasn't reciprocal, then I wouldn't ask about applying for a job where she worked and definitely wouldn't meet up with her, even for just a casual lunchtime coffee, as I wouldn't want to send out the wrong signal.

Maybe that's the difference between men and women, or is it just me lol!

 Just tell her Mark.  
 

if she says she’s not interested it isn’t the end of the world. 

you’ll get over it.  And you’ll have peace of mind. 
 

hugs 🤗

[Lotsgoingon]

You already told her you are romantically interested. She knows from your actions. 

[MarkP]

3 hours ago, Georgia46 said:

 Just tell her Mark.  
 

if she says she’s not interested it isn’t the end of the world. 

you’ll get over it.  And you’ll have peace of mind. 
 

hugs 🤗

Yes you're right.

I went to the gym to clear my mind and came to the conclusion I've been carrying round these feeling for her far too long and need to unburden myself.

So next time we meet (whenever that may be), I'll suggest a drink again and if she says about inviting others, I'll say straight out I meant just the 2 of us, and when I get the inevitable reply around thanks but no thanks, Ill tell her I know she knows I've always had a soft spot for her and I realise that the feeling isn't mutual, but the offers always there if she should have a change of heart. I'll also tell her how I feel about her even though it might be awkward or embarrassing (for both of us), and I f I never hear from her again, then so be it. It'll hurt but I'll eventually get over it. 

Plus it's no good staying in the friendship clinging on to the hope it might develop in to something else as It'll stop me from  moving on, and becomes some kind of false friendship with her when I'm not in it for a genuine reason ( if that males sense ?) and I can't do that to her as I have too much respect for her.

[Georgia46]

37 minutes ago, MarkP said:

Yes you're right.

I went to the gym to clear my mind and came to the conclusion I've been carrying round these feeling for her far too long and need to unburden myself.

So next time we meet (whenever that may be), I'll suggest a drink again and if she says about inviting others, I'll say straight out I meant just the 2 of us, and when I get the inevitable reply around thanks but no thanks, Ill tell her I know she knows I've always had a soft spot for her and I realise that the feeling isn't mutual, but the offers always there if she should have a change of heart. I'll also tell her how I feel about her even though it might be awkward or embarrassing (for both of us), and I f I never hear from her again, then so be it. It'll hurt but I'll eventually get over it. 

Plus it's no good staying in the friendship clinging on to the hope it might develop in to something else as It'll stop me from  moving on, and becomes some kind of false friendship with her when I'm not in it for a genuine reason ( if that males sense ?) and I can't do that to her as I have too much respect for her.

I hope she says yes. 
 

 

[MarkP]

22 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

It sounds like it's very possible she viewed it as just a "friends" meet up.  But the way to find out is to ask her out on a proper date and see what she says.

 

6 minutes ago, Georgia46 said:

I hope she says yes. 

So do I!

I'm just gonna come straight out with it and tell her what's been in my head (heart ?) for years. That I think she is stunningly pretty, absolutely beautiful in fact, with the prettiest eyes and loveliest smile with a personality to match  that I've always wanted to get to know better. People on here will probably say that sounds cheesy but I don't care as I have to let her know, regardless of the outcome.

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[Georgia46]

You’ll have to come back and let us know how it goes. 

[MarkP]

I will do, whether the outcome is good or bad.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/13/2024 at 2:27 PM, MarkP said:

Maybe that's the difference between men and women, or is it just me lol!

It's the difference between individuals. 

It's not men or women. It's not you or everyone else. It's literally just that everyone is different and it's not always wise to assume others would make the same choices we would, think the way we would and so on. Sure, you might not do what she's done if you were not interested, but that certainly doesn't mean others would interpret it or conduct themselves that way. 

Tell her if you must, but be prepared to let it all go if she dodges it. 

[basil67]

On 10/13/2024 at 4:32 AM, MarkP said:

What confuses me is she obviously knows I like her in a more than a friend type of way, due to what I've said in the past about asking her out for a drink, etc, so why would a woman think about applying for a job, and meeting up for a coffee with, a guy she knows is in to her, if she doesn't feel the same way? 

She's made it very clear that she's not interested in you romantically.  

A person should not have to avoid a whole workplace because someone is still nursing a crush from years back.   And you asked her out for coffee knowing that she wasn't interested romantically.  And I think that given how long it's been she would have assumed that you had gotten over your crush.    And 'let's not leave it another four years' was her telling you that this isn't going to be a regular thing.   

Why do you have to tell her now how you feel?  You already know that the answer is going to be a 'thanks, but no' and it's just going to be weird and awkward for both of you

 

Edited October 14 by basil67

[Alpacalia]

On 10/13/2024 at 5:27 AM, MarkP said:

I need to do it, if anything for my own emotional wellbeing as I need to get it off my chest and can't go through life having not told her, even though I know in my heart that it won't turn out the way I want.

I guess what really sowed the seeds of confusion in my mind was if the roles were reversed and I knew a woman that was interested me and it wasn't reciprocal, then I wouldn't ask about applying for a job where she worked and definitely wouldn't meet up with her, even for just a casual lunchtime coffee, as I wouldn't want to send out the wrong signal.

Maybe that's the difference between men and women, or is it just me lol!

I'm not seeing signs that she is romantically interested but because this is weighing so heavily on your mind I think your best bet is to ask her out one-on-one last time so you can get it out of your system. It's safer than a full blown confession and gives you the freedom to take it as a 'no' if she's not interested in spending time with you alone. 

[MarkP]

17 hours ago, basil67 said:

She's made it very clear that she's not interested in you romantically.  

A person should not have to avoid a whole workplace because someone is still nursing a crush from years back.   And you asked her out for coffee knowing that she wasn't interested romantically.  And I think that given how long it's been she would have assumed that you had gotten over your crush.    And 'let's not leave it another four years' was her telling you that this isn't going to be a regular thing.   

Why do you have to tell her now how you feel?  You already know that the answer is going to be a 'thanks, but no' and it's just going to be weird and awkward for both of you

 

It was me that said 'let's not leave it another 4 years' and not her.

The reason I need to tell her is to get it off my chest, to release this emotional baggage I've been carrying around for the last few years.

I know it'll be awkward and embarrassing for both of us and what the inevitable answer will be and that it'll probably be the last time we ever speak but I need to hear it from her directly, not just implied, that's she's not interested in me in that way so I can get closure and move on once and for all.

I don't want to go on staying friendly with her when I'm secretly hoping that something happens as that'll stop me from moving on and it's not fair on her either as it makes our friendship a false one, and I've too much respect for her to do that.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, MarkP said:

but I need to hear it from her directly, not just implied, that's she's not interested in me in that way

Sincere question, but what is going to happen if she still isn't direct with you? 

You're trying to make her cough up an answer the way you want to hear it, but that might not happen. Many people are uncomfortable coming right out and rejecting someone. There is a reason she's been indirect so far and it's probaby because she is someone who feels awkward coming out and saying no. 

So, what will be a satisying "no" from her, other than a direct "I don't like you that way"?

[MarkP]

I'll just tell her and what will be will be.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, MarkP said:

I'll just tell her and what will be will be.

Yes, I realize that. 

But I am wondering, what will be a satisfactory answer from her to for you to finally let go?