Confused about signals from a woman I really like

[MarkP]

I guess the answer where she tell s me the feelings aren't mutual and never will be..

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, MarkP said:

The reason I need to tell her is to get it off my chest, to release this emotional baggage I've been carrying around for the last few years.

The workplace is not a therapeutic environment. This woman did not sign on to be your therapist. You are free to hire one of those. Her answer to being asked out one-on-one is the only answer you need. If you insist on doing an emotional dump on her, that's inappropriate, and you could risk your reputation or possibly your job.

I'd rethink this in favor of self-control and professional respect for a colleague. There are other ways to deal with your emotional burden than to put it on her to deal with.

[ExpatInItaly]

51 minutes ago, MarkP said:

I guess the answer where she tell s me the feelings aren't mutual and never will be..

That's what I was saying above. 

She might not come right out and tell you this. It's rather awkward to put her in a position where you expect her to do so, after she's made it fairly clear already she doesn't want to go on a date with you. She might be direct, anything is possible. (or she might even respond favourably)

But if she isn't as direct as you want, are you prepared to let it go anyway? 

[flitzanu]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's what I was saying above. 

She might not come right out and tell you this. It's rather awkward to put her in a position where you expect her to do so, after she's made it fairly clear already she doesn't want to go on a date with you. She might be direct, anything is possible. (or she might even respond favourably)

But if she isn't as direct as you want, are you prepared to let it go anyway? 

^^ this.

in romantic situations, the most reliable outcome is always if it is not  "yes" then it is a "no" regardless of how muddy the words are.  

maybe, we'll see, let me check my schedule and get back to you, i've got a lot going on right now, etc. .... this is all "no" and you cannot continue to read into that.  if she says "yes" then...yes.

if not, it's a not.

there is no middle ground or a "maybe" for this.

[MarkP]

Something along the lines of 'thanks' but I'm not interested in you that way' or words to that affect,bascially I need to hear from her mouth what's in her head then I can move on.

[SurfCity]

Unless you plan to do this over text, what will most likely happen is you'll ask for a date and she'll say she'd love to but she can't because of XYZ. Then you'll say how about next week and she'll dodge again. If you ask her a third time, she won't answer or will say she's busy again and if you keep going, you'll be very close to harrassing her. So there won't be an opportunity to "confess your feelings" unless you do it over text which is extremely juvenile.

You making it her responsibility to explicitly explain to you that she isn't interested is very unattractive. Be an adult and manage your own emotions. She's not your therapist and you shouldn't put her in the position to have to say or do anything so that you can move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, MarkP said:

I need to hear from her mouth what's in her head then I can move on.

You realize this is your own issue to deal with, right? 

It's not great to put others in the position you're trying put her in. 

[MarkP]

1 hour ago, Leihla_B said:

The workplace is not a therapeutic environment. This woman did not sign on to be your therapist. You are free to hire one of those. Her answer to being asked out one-on-one is the only answer you need. If you insist on doing an emotional dump on her, that's inappropriate, and you could risk your reputation or possibly your job.

I'd rethink this in favor of self-control and professional respect for a colleague. There are other ways to deal with your emotional burden than to put it on her to deal with.

Like I said in my original post we haven't' worked together for about four and  a half years....

[basil67]

I can only endorse the comments which say this is not her problem to deal with.  We've all experienced unrequited attraction.  We recognise that it's unrequited and we get over it without putting the other in an awkward position.

@SurfCity made the observation that she may still dodge the question, and this is very likely.  But she may also get weirded out by you not taking a hint and stop being your friend.  Are you OK with both of these possible outcomes?   

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, MarkP said:

Something along the lines of 'thanks' but I'm not interested in you that way' or words to that affect,bascially I need to hear from her mouth what's in her head then I can move on.

Why do you need to hear it “from her mouth” if she has already made it abundantly clear to you?

I have a suspicion that you’re still harboring some hope deep down. Also, perhaps you’re subconsciously trying to do something that would push her away, make her break off contact with you, because that would facilitate your moving on.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to use her to do this kind of mental therapy.

If you really can move on, then move on now.

[ExpatInItaly]

Look, OP, I was once in her shoes. 

There was a male friend of mine who made it clear he was interested in me. I did not feel the same way, and like the woman in question here, I dodged his attempts to have an actual date. I didn't have the heart to come and say "I am not romantically attracted to you." I was truly hoping he would get the hint and stop asking. He didn't, and it becaame too awkward for me to continue the friendship. We are no longer in touch today, and the only time he really backed off was when I mentioned that I was seeing someone else. 

Could and should Ihave been more direct? Sure. Could he also have done what most adults do, and take the very clear hints? Yes, he could have. Why put her (and yoursel) through this?