Confused about signals from a woman I really like

[MarkP]

I guess the answer where she tell s me the feelings aren't mutual and never will be..

[Leihla_B]

2 hours ago, MarkP said:

The reason I need to tell her is to get it off my chest, to release this emotional baggage I've been carrying around for the last few years.

The workplace is not a therapeutic environment. This woman did not sign on to be your therapist. You are free to hire one of those. Her answer to being asked out one-on-one is the only answer you need. If you insist on doing an emotional dump on her, that's inappropriate, and you could risk your reputation or possibly your job.

I'd rethink this in favor of self-control and professional respect for a colleague. There are other ways to deal with your emotional burden than to put it on her to deal with.

[ExpatInItaly]

51 minutes ago, MarkP said:

I guess the answer where she tell s me the feelings aren't mutual and never will be..

That's what I was saying above. 

She might not come right out and tell you this. It's rather awkward to put her in a position where you expect her to do so, after she's made it fairly clear already she doesn't want to go on a date with you. She might be direct, anything is possible. (or she might even respond favourably)

But if she isn't as direct as you want, are you prepared to let it go anyway? 

[flitzanu]

4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's what I was saying above. 

She might not come right out and tell you this. It's rather awkward to put her in a position where you expect her to do so, after she's made it fairly clear already she doesn't want to go on a date with you. She might be direct, anything is possible. (or she might even respond favourably)

But if she isn't as direct as you want, are you prepared to let it go anyway? 

^^ this.

in romantic situations, the most reliable outcome is always if it is not  "yes" then it is a "no" regardless of how muddy the words are.  

maybe, we'll see, let me check my schedule and get back to you, i've got a lot going on right now, etc. .... this is all "no" and you cannot continue to read into that.  if she says "yes" then...yes.

if not, it's a not.

there is no middle ground or a "maybe" for this.

[MarkP]

Something along the lines of 'thanks' but I'm not interested in you that way' or words to that affect,bascially I need to hear from her mouth what's in her head then I can move on.

[SurfCity]

Unless you plan to do this over text, what will most likely happen is you'll ask for a date and she'll say she'd love to but she can't because of XYZ. Then you'll say how about next week and she'll dodge again. If you ask her a third time, she won't answer or will say she's busy again and if you keep going, you'll be very close to harrassing her. So there won't be an opportunity to "confess your feelings" unless you do it over text which is extremely juvenile.

You making it her responsibility to explicitly explain to you that she isn't interested is very unattractive. Be an adult and manage your own emotions. She's not your therapist and you shouldn't put her in the position to have to say or do anything so that you can move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

46 minutes ago, MarkP said:

I need to hear from her mouth what's in her head then I can move on.

You realize this is your own issue to deal with, right? 

It's not great to put others in the position you're trying put her in. 

[MarkP]

1 hour ago, Leihla_B said:

The workplace is not a therapeutic environment. This woman did not sign on to be your therapist. You are free to hire one of those. Her answer to being asked out one-on-one is the only answer you need. If you insist on doing an emotional dump on her, that's inappropriate, and you could risk your reputation or possibly your job.

I'd rethink this in favor of self-control and professional respect for a colleague. There are other ways to deal with your emotional burden than to put it on her to deal with.

Like I said in my original post we haven't' worked together for about four and  a half years....

[basil67]

I can only endorse the comments which say this is not her problem to deal with.  We've all experienced unrequited attraction.  We recognise that it's unrequited and we get over it without putting the other in an awkward position.

@SurfCity made the observation that she may still dodge the question, and this is very likely.  But she may also get weirded out by you not taking a hint and stop being your friend.  Are you OK with both of these possible outcomes?   

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, MarkP said:

Something along the lines of 'thanks' but I'm not interested in you that way' or words to that affect,bascially I need to hear from her mouth what's in her head then I can move on.

Why do you need to hear it “from her mouth” if she has already made it abundantly clear to you?

I have a suspicion that you’re still harboring some hope deep down. Also, perhaps you’re subconsciously trying to do something that would push her away, make her break off contact with you, because that would facilitate your moving on.

I don’t think it’s a good idea to use her to do this kind of mental therapy.

If you really can move on, then move on now.

[ExpatInItaly]

Look, OP, I was once in her shoes. 

There was a male friend of mine who made it clear he was interested in me. I did not feel the same way, and like the woman in question here, I dodged his attempts to have an actual date. I didn't have the heart to come and say "I am not romantically attracted to you." I was truly hoping he would get the hint and stop asking. He didn't, and it becaame too awkward for me to continue the friendship. We are no longer in touch today, and the only time he really backed off was when I mentioned that I was seeing someone else. 

Could and should Ihave been more direct? Sure. Could he also have done what most adults do, and take the very clear hints? Yes, he could have. Why put her (and yoursel) through this? 

[MarkP]

Thanks' for everyone's input on here.

After going round in emotional circles I've decided that when we next speak, whether that be in person or via Whats app, I'm simply going to ask her out one more time and when I get the inevitable 'thanks but no thanks/ I don't view you that way' etc etc I 'll just say I understand and that's fine but if she ever changes her mind the offers always there.

I'm not going to bear my heart and soul to her that I may have once planned to do as there would be no point once she says no, so then the balls in her court and if I never hear back from her again then so be it .At least I've been true to myself and her

. I've based this on the old saying of 'The biggest regret of your life won't be what you did, it'll be what you didn't do'

[Leihla_B]

3 minutes ago, MarkP said:

I'm not going to bear my heart and soul to her that I may have once planned to do as there would be no point once she says no, so then the balls in her court and if I never hear back from her again then so be it .At least I've been true to myself and her.

Excellent decision.

Quote

I've based this on the old saying of 'The biggest regret of your life won't be what you did, it'll be what you didn't do'

Good, because what you would NOT be doing is slamming all doors shut by dumping stuff on her that she never asked for and would likely resent.

Most of us have experienced an unrequited crush. Sure, it's painful to whatever degree we each decide to make it. But it certainly doesn't require us to dump our self-created emotional baggage onto the other person as though they are a receptacle. That's not only inappropriate, it's a degrading form of selfishness with zero payoff. If you 'must' talk this out with someone, seek out clergy for a confession or a therapist for help or a good friend who will listen, or use this forum as you have and write more until it helps.

Head high, you've got this.

[flitzanu]

i personally would not include "if you ever change your mind i'll be standing here waiting forever" because you're just reinforcing that you will continue to roll over and do anything she asks in the future.

is that actually what you want, that 4 years down the road after she rejects you and stops speaking to you, suddenly she decides that she is out of options and she now decides that you are worthy of asking her on a date and she might consider it?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

45 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

i personally would not include "if you ever change your mind i'll be standing here waiting forever" because you're just reinforcing that you will continue to roll over and do anything she asks in the future.

Agreed. 

Don't offer to be her forever-standby, OP. You need to move on. 

[MarkP]

"if you ever change your mind i'll be standing here waiting forever=,I never said that?

[MarkP]

2 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

Excellent decision.

Good, because what you would NOT be doing is slamming all doors shut by dumping stuff on her that she never asked for and would likely resent.

Most of us have experienced an unrequited crush. Sure, it's painful to whatever degree we each decide to make it. But it certainly doesn't require us to dump our self-created emotional baggage onto the other person as though they are a receptacle. That's not only inappropriate, it's a degrading form of selfishness with zero payoff. If you 'must' talk this out with someone, seek out clergy for a confession or a therapist for help or a good friend who will listen, or use this forum as you have and write more until it helps.

Head high, you've got this.

Thank you.

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, MarkP said:

"if you ever change your mind i'll be standing here waiting forever=,I never said that?

You said “if she ever changes her mind the offer is still there”.

I agree with the others, please don’t say that. It’s a bad thing to say for several reasons, one of which is that it’s not true. You’ll move on and if she changes her mind in 23 years or so your offer will not be there.

[MarkP]

I'm pretty sure she'll know that I mean in the short -term, I think I know her at lest well enough to judge that.

[MarkP]

On 10/16/2024 at 6:07 PM, Leihla_B said:

Excellent decision.

Good, because what you would NOT be doing is slamming all doors shut by dumping stuff on her that she never asked for and would likely resent.

Most of us have experienced an unrequited crush. Sure, it's painful to whatever degree we each decide to make it. But it certainly doesn't require us to dump our self-created emotional baggage onto the other person as though they are a receptacle. That's not only inappropriate, it's a degrading form of selfishness with zero payoff. If you 'must' talk this out with someone, seek out clergy for a confession or a therapist for help or a good friend who will listen, or use this forum as you have and write more until it helps.

Head high, you've got this.

It went kinda how I guessed it would.
Messaged her late Friday night and after a bit of general chat about work, how time had flown by etc it went like this:
It was really nice catching up the other week. You’ve not changed a bit, still as lovely as ever.
Yes it’s been a long time, didn’t realise how long. Oh I’ve got older lol.
Nah you’ve not
We’ll have to meet up again.
Yes will do.
What about going out properly one night for a drink and bite to eat?

This was then met with a long silence until she replied about 12 hours later next morning with:
I don’t have time to go out lol.
I kinda knew she was the sort of person who’d try to let me down gently so I replied:

I’m sure you do lol

To be honest I’ve always liked you ever since we worked together. I think you’re stunningly pretty and a really lovely person who I’d love to get to know better so if you should change your mind the offers always there.

That was 24 hours ago and she’s not replied and I very much doubt she will, as I’ll probably never hear from her again.

If she should reply I want to tell that I realised when meeting her how quickly time flies bye and that life’s far to short to not be honest with people and also how someone as lovely as her shouldn’t be on her own and deserves a guy that’ll treat her(and her kids) how she deserves to be treated and when it happens I hope he realises how lucky he is (I genuinely mean this) .

I may have gone about this all the wrong way, I don’t know, nor do I care as I I’ve finally told her what I think about her, and won’t spend the rest of my life thinking ‘What if?’

What will be will be, and sure I’m going to be sad for a while but I’m glad I’ve finally got it off my chest and eventually will move on no matter how long it takes.
Thanks for the advice.

[MarkP]

Further to what I just wrote, it's now been over 2 days since I last messaged her and to be honest I'd rather she'd said thanks, but no thanks/you're not my type/it'll never happen etc etc than just leave me hanging. I know this was one of the outcomes that could happen but it feels like I don't have real closure.
I was thinking about leaving it week or two and then just saying something like :

Hi , sorry if it weirded  you out ( maybe I'll say made you feel a bit awkward?) when I asked you out, but when we met I realised how time flies by so quickly these days that life's too short not to be honest with people.
And no I'm not still harbouring a thought that I still stand a chance as I know I don't, it's just like I need to close this whole chapter properly and fell like I haven't.

[smackie9]

15 minutes ago, MarkP said:

Further to what I just wrote, it's now been over 2 days since I last messaged her and to be honest I'd rather she'd said thanks, but no thanks/you're not my type/it'll never happen etc etc than just leave me hanging. I know this was one of the outcomes that could happen but it feels like I don't have real closure.
I was thinking about leaving it week or two and then just saying something like :

Hi , sorry if it weirded  you out ( maybe I'll say made you feel a bit awkward?) when I asked you out, but when we met I realised how time flies by so quickly these days that life's too short not to be honest with people.
And no I'm not still harbouring a thought that I still stand a chance as I know I don't, it's just like I need to close this whole chapter properly and fell like I haven't.

You are being passive/aggressive, a sore stance in that message. Kinda like "good bye cruel world..." All you are showing her is that you are butt hurt she doesn't have feelings for you. The closure is on you. Tell yourself, "OK I gave it a shot at least Time to go forward and carry on..". "Better luck to myself next one that comes along." You stuck out, and that's just life....it sucks but don't get mad at her for it. You live and learn then you grow from the experience. Remember she's learning about life herself. Not everyone can be so blunt to say no not interested. Girls are expected to be passive, non confrontational. Even if she was kinder in her reaction, I doubt it would change how you feel about being rejected. Get up dust yourself off, and get on with your life. She's just a girl...there will be more to enter in your life that will be more promising.

[basil67]

51 minutes ago, MarkP said:

Further to what I just wrote, it's now been over 2 days since I last messaged her and to be honest I'd rather she'd said thanks, but no thanks/you're not my type/it'll never happen etc etc than just leave me hanging. I know this was one of the outcomes that could happen but it feels like I don't have real closure.
I was thinking about leaving it week or two and then just saying something like :

Hi , sorry if it weirded  you out ( maybe I'll say made you feel a bit awkward?) when I asked you out, but when we met I realised how time flies by so quickly these days that life's too short not to be honest with people.
And no I'm not still harbouring a thought that I still stand a chance as I know I don't, it's just like I need to close this whole chapter properly and fell like I haven't.

But your 'honesty' was said from a place of selfishness, and with no consideration as to how she'd feel about the situation you'd put her in.  And I can't believe that you disagreed with her when she gave you an excuse.  That wasn't cute or funny, it was you showing her that you can't respect her boundary.

You knew she wasn't interested.  We know she's not interested.   And it's not her job to put your thoughts on romance to rest.   

If you do send this last message, you will likely find yourself blocked.   If you have any respect for her, you will not put her in this position

 

 

[SurfCity]

10 hours ago, MarkP said:

If she should reply I want to tell that I realised when meeting her how quickly time flies bye and that life’s far to short to not be honest with people and also how someone as lovely as her shouldn’t be on her own and deserves a guy that’ll treat her(and her kids) how she deserves to be treated and when it happens I hope he realises how lucky he is (I genuinely mean this) .

You're unable to see beyond yourself.

YOU would love to get a message like this from someone who's been secretly attracted to you for four years, so you're unable to comprehend that other people don't want to receive a message like that from someone that they're not attracted to.

Quote

it's now been over 2 days since I last messaged her and to be honest I'd rather she'd said thanks, but no thanks/you're not my type/it'll never happen etc etc than just leave me hanging.

It's all about you and what you want. That's extremely unattractive and self-centered. All you're exhibiting is that you're the type of guy that can't handle being treated nicely/politely. You need to be cussed out or treated like dirt before you'll go away.

Quote

I was thinking about leaving it week or two and then just saying something like :

The fact that you're planning to contact her again is really so embarrassing for you. You claim that you're not still harboring hope for romance with her, but you're popping out excuse after excuse to keep contacting her. Please get ahold of some self-respect and leave her alone. 

Edited October 29 by SurfCity

[Gebidozo]

5 hours ago, MarkP said:

Further to what I just wrote, it's now been over 2 days since I last messaged her and to be honest I'd rather she'd said thanks, but no thanks/you're not my type/it'll never happen etc etc than just leave me hanging.

She hasn’t left you hanging. She made it abundantly clear that she isn’t romantically interested in you. There is nothing left to say.

 

5 hours ago, MarkP said:

I was thinking about leaving it week or two and then just saying something like :

Hi , sorry if it weirded  you out ( maybe I'll say made you feel a bit awkward?) when I asked you out, but when we met I realised how time flies by so quickly these days that life's too short not to be honest with people.
And no I'm not still harbouring a thought that I still stand a chance as I know I don't, it's just like I need to close this whole chapter properly and fell like I haven't.

Man, you really shouldn’t be doing that. Don’t behave like a leech, don’t cling to her and don’t bother her. You aren’t thinking about what she needs, only about what you need. This is pure selfishness. Not only you aren’t going to impress her with this, you’re going to repel her even further.