Fed up with mom's disrespectful behavior

[Cactus Harlow]

I am in my late 30's. My parents were always helicopter parents and do not understand or respect my boundaries to this day. They actually moved into a house 4 minutes away from my home. They said they just liked the property, but I believe it was so they could continue to show up unannounced and monitor my activities. They constantly nag me and the nagging is just escalated to outright disrespect.

My yard has grown a bit wild because I don't have functioning tools to keep it under control. Two lawnmowers died on me. My mother has been sending me long texts calling me lazy etc for the tall grass, nagging me daily on it, even after I told her I was going to hire a service. Finally I had enough and told her that I wasn't going to be coming over to visit her or communicate with her if she kept talking to me that way. Of course she got mad and told me to leave her alone. I hope she will re-consider after a night's sleep that I'm not asking for anything unreasonable: stop the nagging and stop talking to me like a child. Why is she acting so hurt/defensive?

 

Edited October 14 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
moved to correct forum

[Sony12]

Do you have the means to move further away from your parents or are you dependent on them financially?

[basil67]

It's hard to judge on this topic, because a good neighbour does keep their yard in order.  Your mother is likely just saying what he rest of the neighbours are thinking. 

Hire a lawnmowing person to maintain it until you get your mower fixed.   

 

[MsJayne]

I've got a neighbour who neglects their garden, and I'd really like to set fire to it because I'm sick of their chest-high weeds encroaching on my property and pushing my back fence over.  But, that aside, the issue is that your parents infantilise you. You've confronted them over it, there's not much else you can do except, as you've chosen, back away if they can't stop doing it. Do you have siblings, and if yes, do they get treated like children? I wouldn't worry about your mother being upset, overbearing people who get confronted about their behaviour often turn it around so the person confronting looks like the bad guy. Stick to your guns, but mow that grass  . 

[Alpacalia]

Did your parents purchase or lend you money for your home? If they were gifts, they may feel offended that you didn't take better care of them. If not, then they don't really have any room to criticize you for not keeping up with the lawn. 

Now, let me tell you about my yard. I have these huge beautiful pepper trees in the backyard but they shed like crazy. It's an enclosed backyard but I constantly was out there with the leaf blower. The leaves track into the inside of the house if not kept clean on the regular and I have to vacuum like every other day. I also have a large front yard that needs regular maintenance. I used to do it all myself but I just don't have the time nor energy to do it myself anymore so I either hire someone from taskrabbit/thumbtack or pay my brother to do it.

Can you think of any other ways to keep your grass cut? Especially if you have neighbors it would be the courteous way to keep it nice. Offer to pay your neighbors or a teenager to cut the grass...I used to hire a local teenager in my neighborhood when I lived on the east coast to help shovel snow. It's doable.

[ShyViolet]

Have other neighbors complained about your yard as well?  Or is your Mom the only one who has ever mentioned it?

[Leihla_B]

On 10/13/2024 at 8:02 PM, Cactus Harlow said:

Finally I had enough and told her that I wasn't going to be coming over to visit her or communicate with her if she kept talking to me that way.

Good. I told my mother something similar years ago, and she has adjusted beautifully with a few occasional slips.

Quote

Why is she acting so hurt/defensive?

Because it works! Some parents can be as manipulative as children, only they're better at it.

Let her work through it. Don't punch your point again unless she raises it with you. Then stand your ground, but be kind about it. I told my Mom, "I love you, and that will never change, but if the price of doing business with you is that I end up feeling lousy rather than on the same team, you'll just see less of me rather than more of me."

I did allow for her to pout, but I just diverted her attention from it with something positive to offer. So if you don't hear from Mom for a few days, give her a ring like nothing happened and ask to treat her out for a nice lunch or something. But do NOT apologize for your boundaries. Just explain them kindly and move forward. If she wants to keep you closely in her life, she'll wise up.